I was sent a PM from a wonderful, concerned, and genuinely supportive CDer on this forum asking me to post my feelings about when my husband introduced me to his other side. Being that it happened this weekend, and it is still fresh it my mind, it was the perfect opportunity for me to do it. I asked (her/him) what I should say and how "real" I was supposed to keep it. (S)he told me to be as honest and straight forward as possible. That even though it may not be what the "masses" want to hear, it still needs to be said, due to the fact that there are so few of us SO's on the board in comparison to the number of CDers.
This is 1 wife's point of view. I do not speak for your SO's, so please do not get upset over something that is said and therefore take it out on your SO. I do NOT want to cause any problems in any relationships.
When I was told 2 years ago, while laying in bed, that my husband was a crossdresser, I was shocked. Please know that after making love, it is NOT the right time to spring it on her. PLEASE never do it after you ask what she considers "kinky". Bad move, dude. Not well played. But that is how I found out. We can't take it back, and we can't change it. I wasn't disgusted, but I wasn't turned on either. My brain immediately thought, "Why does he find me attractive? He is obviously gay. Well, crap.... the only man that I have ever loved this much can't return my love. What did I do that was so wrong to deserve this life?"
Not a word was said. I made him believe that I was fine, and then I started the investigation. If it were just wearing some panties, I would have been ok. But I knew there was more. So, I found: Alternate email address with emails that I could never in a million years imagine him writing to other men. Pictures of himself in the most horrible poses, showing parts of himself that I never imagined someone seeing, more less a freaking man! Websites. Adult websites where the profile was basically, "Bi Crossdresser looking for a guy to play with! I dress every night, and it turns me on!"
The switch was hit. It boiled and bubbled and spewed out of me in a rant of horrible and hateful things. I called him names that I could only imagine sent chills down his spine. I can't take it back, and I can't change it.
He admitted everything. Said he was curious and lonely. No woman had shown interest in him in over 5 years. This is where he went for affection. He begged me not to give up on him. My thoughts were "He has to be sorry for lying to me. He has to love me to beg me to stay after I hurt him so badly. He HAS to give this up."
I made him throw it all away. I want to tell you that it was his choice to purge, but looking back now, no. It was mine. I forced it upon him. I was the bad guy, but put all the blame on him.
I found this forum. I thought it was helping for a few weeks. Then I wanted to be angry and I didn't want to face it anymore, so I stopped visiting. He was NOT going to be a CDer any more, so help me God.
Two years. I held anger, fear, and every 6 months, I threatened divorce, because "He has to be lying to me about it still", "When he travels for work, he is hiding in a hotel room with a ****ty outfit and a man!", "I just KNOW that is what he is doing!" So, I called more than I should have. I fought about nothing. He was doing nothing at all, but because he "withheld" information from me ONCE, I was going crazy. He could count on me to check up on him so surely, that he could set his watch to it. He knew when the 6 month "freakout" was coming. Why he put up with me, I will never know.
He started sleep talking as "her" again. My thoughts led a different direction this time. "How can I help?" "What can I do to make this giant elephant in the room go away?" "Where do I turn?" I had no one. He had no one. This was our "problem", but I didn't have a solution.
I came back here. Had a major rant in the FAB forum. Had the most amazing woman talk to me for a total of 4 hours. I found that it WAS possible to love and live with a CD'er. I dove head first. I got to know you, therefore, I got to know that side of him. I tried to show it to him, but he blew it off. I think out of fear that it would start my "Crossdresser Wife Period", so he acted as though Erin meant nothing to him anymore. I didn't believe him.
So I pushed. We were on the couch last week, and I asked him if I could paint his nails. I wanted him to see that I was finally able to work with him. I wanted him to know that it was my fear all along that was the hinder in our relationship, and that the CD'ing was not! I wanted him to know that the clothes meant nothing to me, but that it was his history surrounding it that weighed heavily on me. So, like a normal person, I told him my fears. After 2 years, I actually was able to sit him down and tell him what I should have from the beginning. That I do love him more than I love myself. That my life would be nothing without him. That if this was what he has been missing, then who the hell am I to keep it from him. He finally said ok, and let me into this part of his world that he had blocked away for so long.
When we went shopping, I kept thinking "What if someone is judging him?!?! What if they want to take his picture and put it on the People of Walmart's website? What are those teenage girls looking at? Do they know? What are they going to tell their friends? Who the heck are they to judge my husband?!"
Then, I met her. I didn't lie when I said what happened. But there were things that I left out. "Why is he touching himself like that? He doesn't touch himself like that normally! Why is he saying things like that? He has never spoken to me like that before, and I have begged him to! Why is he so "turned on"? Do I not turn him on enough? Does he NEED to have this for himself to feel complete?
To say that I am accepting 100% is not the case. I am accepting because this is for him. To say that I am 100% supportive is wrong. I wish this wasn't a part of us, but it is. This isn't what I had in mind when I thought about my life as a wife when I was a child, but it is my reality. I could live without it, happily. I constantly envy the bliss of never knowing, and having it hidden from me. I fear the "Pink Fog". I fear some of the things that I read about how some want to live 24/7 as a woman. I fear the thought of my children finding this out and thinking differently of him. I only call him "She" on here because that is how YOU know him. But, I know everything about him. So, he is always "HIM" to me. I am not disgusted. I am not going to leave for something that could be so minor. But, I am worried. I worry about the unknown. I worry about what happens next. I worry about our life later. I worry that one day he is going to venture out into the world and become a victim of a hate crime. I worry about people we know seeing him "like that". These are fears that I am trying to work through. I have to take it step by step, and I am so blessed that he is working with me. We are getting through this together. We can have a happily ever after, and that it all I can ask for.
I may not be the best wife, but I am a wife trying her best.
If you don't like the way I'm livin', you just leave this long haired country girl alone:
Originally Posted by Katesback
