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Thread: Why am I making things so hard for myself?

  1. #1
    Junior Member JoyceJ's Avatar
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    Nov 2011

    Why am I making things so hard for myself?

    I hate my body! Why couldn't I have just been born in the correct one from the beginning?

    Anyway. I apologise in advance for this rant, but I just neeeed an outlet. I was talking to a CD about a week ago and the simplest question stumped me. "How far do you want to go?"

    Since I knew what gender was I knew I was the wrong one. I've been dressing forever and I know I want to get on hormones and get SRS. I'm not someone who does this for sexual pleasure or to attract anyone. I just do it to clear my head and feel comfortable with myself. Hell recently I've basically been full-time. I've only been in guy mode at work and public. Dressing isn't something I want to do, it's something I NEED to do.


    Why can't I just be content with who I am? Why do I need to make things 10000x more difficult for myself, jeopardise my career, never be fully embraced by society, invest a LOT of money, and most importantly hurt the people I love??? WHY??

    Every rational and logical part of me tells me NOT to do this. (except for my mental health) Besides, I'm ok at being a male I guess. I have some pretty masculine personality traits that are just a big a part of me as my feminine ones. I know they will be there long after I transition. Even when I'm a woman and start living as one, I'm still going to be more masculine than most.

    I'm a lesbian. So far my interaction with other lesbians en femme has been less than welcoming. I've felt ostricized from a group I will inevitably become a part of. My search for love is coming up really dry. What kind of straight woman wants to be with another woman and what kind of lesbian wants a woman with a penis for the next few years until I get SRS? I'm dreadfully lonely.

    On top of my sex change, I am trying to go through a career change too... which I'm financially in flux... I want to start hormones soon but I also need to save up money....

    When everyone in my life gets over the initial shock, I'm positive I'll lose many friends, and will likely lose family over it. I've been told since I was first caught at 13 it was wrong. And they've indirectly reinforced it over the years. I'm not dealing with the most progressive people in the world. Even though I'll inevitably grow apart anyway telling them would just crush them, hurt them, and solidify that they're not going to be there for me.

    Ughhh why can't I just be happy with what I was born with?

    Leonard Nemoy was right. It's all highly illogical:

  2. #2
    Aspiring Member Kristy_K's Avatar
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    Feb 2010

    I know I have asked them same question as well many other people have. No one really has a good answer for it. Also even if they did have a good answer it still won't change how we feel. You can fight it and get more depress or just accept it it as part of you and who you are. When I learn to accept it as part of me then I was able to move on with my life and enjoy living again.


  3. #3
    Banned Read only
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    Mar 2011

    this might help explain why you can't be content. Science continues to indicate that transsexualism is a congenital birth defect, not a mental disorder like the lousy American Psychiatric Association has it listed as. No one in their right mind would choose transition, HRT and SRS for kicks and grins.

  4. #4
    . Aprilrain's Avatar
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    Oct 2006
    Seattle, WA
    Unfortunately your story is all to familiar. You say you're stumped however you talk about SRS as if it were a given. You don't seem to be unclear about what you want, SRS is pretty much as far as you can go sweetie! People who blame others for their unhappiness have no solution to their problem(s) and will always be unhappy. Yes you will likely lose some people who can not accept but others will come along to replace them. Take heart! There are lesbians out there who will date pre op TSes, I've met them and don't forget bi sexual woman. That being said puberty is the worst time to date lol.

  5. #5
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Aug 2005
    Hi Joyce.....i'm guessing what you are saying is that you are transsexual

    We say it all the time..."you are not alone"

    Try your best to not make any assumptions. Try your best to realize RIGHTNOW, that its YOUR life....
    If you are heading down the transition path, the doctors, the HRT , electrolysis..etc...its all out there for you...there is no law of nature that you "lose" your family or anyone...lots of people support us and you may be very surprised..
    of course there is no guarantee, and your problems will be a challenge to people that love and care about you...

    a common concern among all of us is our love life, and like everything else, its your call...but i have seen that putting that on the back burner can be helpful to ease your transition...moving around on the gender line is attractive to a limited number of people, and if you get really close, its almost always stressful as your lover may feel differently about you going "farther" than you do... transition and GID are things to survive...your lover will not be able to appreciate this..ever... so pls keep that in mind that a love life is very often a burden to transsexuals....especially as april says during puberty..taking hormones, feeling a wash of new uncontrollable emotions, transition and a lover are a volatile mix!!!!!!!!!!

  6. #6
    Banned Read only
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    Feb 2011
    Allentown, PA
    Hi Joyce,

    Did this CD ask you that question of how far you want to go????

    Like most CD's that aren't closeted TS women, he got it wrong.

    For TS and IS women it's never how far you want to go but how far you need to go.
    That question he asked you seemed to offer a choice in the matter.
    If you are truly TS and you need to transition then you already know how far you need to go.

    I lost everything and everyone when I transitioned.
    It was hell on earth and it almost took my life twice but guess what? I'm typing this to you aren't I??
    I survived transition and so can you.
    Those trans women who think in a logical black and white way always have issues with being bogged down with the "what if's "
    Transsexualisim and transition are not logical. They cannot be dissected and analyzed within the context of left brain thinking.
    Mr. Spock would be unable to transition because of this reality.
    Hormones are extremely inexpensive so any excuse to not start is just that, an excuse.

    If you continue to do nothing but agonize over what is happening in your life concerning who and what you are things most likely will become worse, much much worse.
    Would you rather see your family and friends hurt, depressed and confused because you committed suicide from not being able to come to grips with this?
    Perhaps instead of the above scenario you could be easier on yourself and your friends and family by starting transition.

    If you continue putting road blocks in your way you will continue the downward spiral.

    Concerning relationships; I transitioned over five years ago and finally found the love of my life last year.
    She is a lesbian and check this out, her name is Joyce. LOL!!
    I do not have any surgeries so the women that would accept you for being you exist out there trust me

    So what is it going to be Joyce? More excuses or starting your transition?

    Last edited by Julia_in_Pa; 04-09-2012 at 07:03 AM.

  7. #7
    Banned Read only
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    Mar 2011
    Quote Originally Posted by Aprilrain View Post
    There are lesbians out there who will date pre op TSes, I've met them and don't forget bi sexual woman. That being said puberty is the worst time to date lol.
    well I'd sure like to know where the hell they are, because I can't seem to find anyone interested in dating me around Nashville. ugh!

  8. #8
    Psyco Roller Derby Doll. Katesback's Avatar
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    Nov 2009
    Sweety there are those that do and those that dont in all walks of life and all endevors. I would like to play soccer but I seem to make excuses to myself for not initially starting it. It's true. I guess part of me is afraid I will like it and then have TWO sports taking up my time. So I make excuses. Of course what I dont do is bitch to other people about my failure to execute my dreams or aspirations.

    So I really could care less if you do or dont. As a matter of fact if you dont your the overwelming majority of TS people out there. You can go to support group meetings and hang out with them and share your misery stories and call it support.

  9. #9
    Just Saying Hi Traci Elizabeth's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    The World of Womanhood
    Quote Originally Posted by Katesback View Post

    So I really could care less if you do or dont. As a matter of fact if you dont your the overwelming majority of TS people out there. You can go to support group meetings and hang out with them and share your misery stories and call it support.

    So did you read about about the chicken that crossed the street... yea, she was run over by a motorcycle!

    Just call Me: "W - O - M - A - N"

    As King said: "I'm free at last, I'm free at last.
    Thank God Almighty I'm free at last!"

  10. #10
    Rotten 80's child Nicole Erin's Avatar
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    Nov 2007
    It is case by case. Only you can decide how far you need to go. Or, how far you CAN go.

    My case - I have never had a good career, just mundane jobs so I didn't lose a career.
    For not being embraced by society - it is rough, trust me I feel it every day at my crappy job when some of the guys (not all) seem stand-off'ish about me. There will always be pricks.
    Losing friends/family - you will probably lose some but you will make new friends. Transition does not destroy your social circle, but it DOES reorganize it. When one door closes, another opens.

    Wrong body - Well no one is in the wrong body. It is one's own and true body, the question is - what are you going to do to improve it? I know a lot of TS who have money like to run out and pay some surgeon a lot of cash to cut up things but that is not the only option. Do you really relish the thought of that anyways?
    I have to improve mine the hard way - exercise. But when I see improvements, I know I have EARNED the right to wear a smaller pant size or whatever.

    Losing family - if they would reject you cause you would transition, just how solid is the relationship to begin with? People who really love you are not going to put conditions on their love.

    If you started living full time and all, I think it would be more peaceful. Though I pass at a questionable level at best, I live full time and even though the normal daily BS of real life has not stopped, I no longer worry about my gender.
    Besides, being TS is something we have to deal with the rest of our lives. You cannot let it stop you from living a life.
    It takes a true Erin to be a pain in the assatar.

  11. #11
    Platinum Member Read only kimdl93's Avatar
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    Jan 2010
    Evidently that is irrelevant
    Joyce, I don't think there's anything illogical about it. Nature doesn't always get things exactly right. I suspect that a large percentage of us here wish we might be happy with the body we were born with, and yet we arent. So many of us here are entirely conflicted and confused. At least you you are certain of who you know that the real you is female.

    Now you're facing the harsh financial and social realities of being true to yourself. Perhaps there is at least hope for improving your love life. Here in Houston, I've become very well acquainted and friendly with members of the lesbian community. And honestly, if I weren't in a hetero marriage, I would have pursued some romantic opportunities that have presented themselves within that group of friends. I don't know where you live in the PacWest or what's nearby, but local GLBT friendly establishments are a good place to meet lesbian and bisexual women. Just be friendly, open and honest...and you may be surprised who you meet.

  12. #12
    Chloe liked her new body docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Sep 2007
    Orange County, Calif.
    If it's any consolation, Joyce, in my long life I've NEVER met a young 20-something male or female, that had a clue about their lives at that point! It takes time to grow into who u really r. Regardless of gender issues! EVERYONE has issues of one kind or another anyway!

    I suggest u take baby steps, one at a time. Find a proper gender savvy doc and start your hormones. U can stop any time u like.
    Then, try living/presenting as a female as soon as u can. U can stop any time u like.

    I predict after a year or so of that, you'll be CLEAR about what u want to do! U have SO MUCH TIME! U don't need to worry or rush anything! U DO need to learn to enjoy your journey, tho! THAT can take years.

    You're going to lose a lot of your friends anyway. As they move away or just off to live their lives. REAL friends will stay in touch! You'll also find new friends, too, thru Joyce!

    I feel for u! We ALL do here. And remember, we're here if u need us!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  13. #13
    Aspiring Member Nicola2876's Avatar
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    Dec 2009
    Hi Joyce

    I think I have a clue how you feel.

    I know that I will always be unhappy unless I transition and become physically the person I know I should be. I dont match on the inside to the outside. I'm female I just have te wrong chemistry. I really really want to start hormones. Ive had therapy and need to visit my doctor to start the next stage. So why havent I?

    I am scared of what this will bring. Everything you mentioned I can understand. Who will I lose or hurt? This is the hardest part for me. My therapist said its not a question of if but one of when.

    I am going to the doctors next week as I am sick of feeling like this. I am so scared but I have to. I dont have a choice.

    You are not alone in this. I hope you can start to feel better about your feelings and if you need a friend to talk to.....

    Nicola x

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