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  1. #1
    Aspiring Member JessHaust's Avatar
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    Question for all of you in the closet

    Ladies,
    This question is for all of you still in the closet, particularly those that continually post that they are in with the door firmly shut.

    If you have been here for a while you will know that I am anything but in the closet, if you are new, find and read some of my posts.

    So my question is this: What is it that YOU think that makes your situation so very different than mine? (and others like me)

    I heard all the time about how no one would accept them, yet I am out to everyone, wife, kids, friends. Not just 2 or 3 people, but around 30. NONE of them have any issues with it. they are all different ages, and from diverse backgrounds. So Why will all the people in your lives be so different?

    I also hear, "I live in a very CD unfriendly place". Yet I live in the land of the Bible belt, Conservative, republican strong hold. Hell when I go mountain biking sometimes the trail is blocked by secret service because George W. Bush has decided to ride that trail today. Yes he lives here. But I go out on the town , Dallas, with my CD friends and we are happily accepted everywhere we go, and we go everywhere. So What makes your city/town so different?

    Yes, I know I will get beat up over this one, but I'm used to it by now!
    Last edited by JessHaust; 04-11-2012 at 10:15 AM.
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  2. #2
    Member VanessaJCD's Avatar
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    Jess,

    Everyone's situation is different. Where they live, their family and friends, and their level of CD desire. I think all of that plays out in the decision.

    I know you have read some of the out stories. Some are happy tales, some are not. There is the fear that yours will be one of the unhappy tales and why would anyone want that?
    Hugs and Kisses,

    Vanessa Jane

  3. #3
    Aspiring Member JessHaust's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by VanessaJCD View Post
    Jess,

    Everyone's situation is different. Where they live, their family and friends, and their level of CD desire. I think all of that plays out in the decision.

    I know you have read some of the out stories. Some are happy tales, some are not. There is the fear that yours will be one of the unhappy tales and why would anyone want that?
    I think the good stories have out numbered the bad stories 100 to 1, so the odds are with you for a good experience.
    But What I really want to know is Why exactly do people think that their situation will fall into the bad side. I know that they are different, but why is different always assumed to be bad?
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  4. #4
    Member Kimberlyfaye's Avatar
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    Unhappy

    I'm in the closet but my door is slightly open. I've been out in public a few times, some friends and ny partner know. I just feel afraid of what people will think of me and the jokes and nasty comments that will come with me opening that door. I know I shouldn't be but I just can't help it.

  5. #5
    Aspiring Member StephanieDragg's Avatar
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    My feeling here is that everyone here is at a different point in this journey, there is a process everyone must take to feel comfortable with how far they are willing to go and feel good that taking a risk and being "exposed" is worth the gratification of the desires you have if you want to go out dressed, or come out to someone. That process does take some work through time, getting the right clothes, perfecting a certain look, practicing with make up and hair and of coarse being comfortable and confident enough to go through with it. I know I have been there. We also hear many stories here about cd's that have come out to their wives and found themselves dealing with divorce or other issues.

    I know for a fact that I did not wake up one morning, try on a dress and say OMG I gotta get out to the mall and get some matching shoes for this!

  6. #6
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    Everyone may be all smiles when you're standing there, but it's the !@# they say when you're not. I see it at work. We have a TS woman and several openly gay people employed there. Before I fell under suspicion (and hence out of the loop) people would talk so nastily about them behind their backs, but would be all sweet as honey to them when they had to work with them. I imagine they still chatter about it, just now I'm included as a subject of their scorn. I've learned to live with the poisoned workplace and I have dealt with the blatant harassment. I cannot get the gumption to drive up to work in my prettiest dress and heels and punch in. I almost got the #$% kicked out of me when I was a kid for doing the same thing. That won't happen again.


    ginger

  7. #7
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    I got caught CDing by my mother one time as a fifteen year old. My parents let me know how very displeased they were. Three months later I got into some trouble connected with CDing. The police were extra harsh on me as were the psychiatrist and counselors connected to my case. When I was engaged to my wife , my fiance accidently found out about me. We almost didn't get married. Fortunately she accepted that part of me. Sixteen years later she had an abrupt about face and no longer tolerated it. We had a few separations because of my CDing. We no longer talk about it although I have tons of clothes. She 'outed' me to our church some years ago and they came down hard on me also.

    I have in the past gone out quite a few times. Had some good times but those days are few and far between now. Since I've been retired I've suffered some physical maladies that have prevented me from participating even a little bit in my passion.

    Most of my friends and family have also said they are intolerant of gays and CDers. These are all reasons I keep it mainly to myself except when I visit this site.

  8. #8
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    To anwer JessHaust's question:
    I have no need to come out of the "closet", that's why I don't go out dressed up
    For me and my wife, my CDing is a turn on (she's bisexual).
    If I had any illusions that I could pass for a woman I'd maybe think about going outside dressed up.
    As is, I have virtually no interest in going out en femme

    But then there are other considerations:
    I'm 6 ft tall and weigh 260 pounds (US womans size 20-22) and roughly built, very broad shoulders and so on.
    I work on a fishing ship with 16 other guys staying out at least 4 weeks at a time, and if they find a weak spot to tease you on, you'll never hear the end of it
    I live in a VERY small town where everybody knows everybody, if not personally, then by reputation

    So going out dressed isn't at all attractive for me, and thankfully I have no need to do so

    After browsing through this forum I feel blessed that my crossdressing is welcomed by my wife, I can only imagine the pain many of you feel, not being accepted by your partner

  9. #9
    Junior Member Sarah-J's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JessHaust View Post
    So my question is this: What is it that YOU think that makes your situation so very different than mine?
    No, I'm not going to beat you up! I think that's a reasonable question and the only answer I have right now is: Nothing.

    Your question got me to thinking and that's a good thing!

    Obviously, the details of everyone's situation are different, but my reason for not coming out is simply because I'm not ready to come out yet. Don't know if I ever will be or will want to. Right now, I'm feeling no desire to do that. Perhaps that will change someday, I don't know. It's pretty cozy where I am right now and I'm happy with it. I've only been dressing for a few short years and am still working my way up the learning curve in both education and attire (I haven't even gotten into shaving or makeup yet and still don't know if I will).

    Since I'm well into my 40's and have never been married (and I'm 99.99% heterosexual), I can only guess what kinds of things might be discussed behind my back, but it's nothing I've given any thought to until like... right now and, frankly, it doesn't bother me. So perhaps coming out may not be the shock to my family that I imagine it might be. (Even 750 miles away, I suspect my mother suspects that something might be 'different' about her little boy... but Moms seem to know everything anyway, don't they?)

    Okay, I've rambled enough.

  10. #10
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    It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I am not only comfortable, but happy about being a crossdresser. I had to get over the notion that I would somehow be betraying my family, my friends, my self, and society-at-large if I gave in and allowed myself to "come out". It has also taken me years to get to a presentable enough point where I feel like I could be around other people while dressed.

    I have wanted to get outside for ages but the idea of actually coming out of the closet was, until recently, terrifying. Oddly, the idea of someone close to me finding out about my TG tendencies is not scary anymore. I'm not ready to shout from the rooftops but I am also not inclined to hide any longer. I am who I am. I am a crossdresser, it doesn't go away, there are many of us, and it's time for me to join the ranks of those that get out there and live. Wheels are in motion and I won't be staying in this closet much longer. That is a promise.

  11. #11
    Member JerseyGirlDonna's Avatar
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    Jess,
    I have several issues at play at home. My wife knows I've CD'ed in the past, even caught me once. She asked me to stop and might even think that I have. We avoid the question now. I'm afraid that if I came out to her now, on top of the other issues going on, that would be the straw to break the camel's back. When other issues go away, I might tell her. Until then I dress to maintain my sanity and keep it to myself preserve peace at home. My wife has been supportive but not that supportive, if you get my drift......

  12. #12
    My Ship has sailed? Barbara Ella's Avatar
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    Jess, no beating up. Like your posts too much to do that. Like has been said, everyone progresses at a different pace on their journey I would add that the development of, and the decision to go out is entirely mental. That includes the mental acceptance that we are comfortable with how we look and would be perceived, and that we would be comfortable. Not everyone's mind can make a rational decision regarding something that has been beaten into them over the many years of dressing, that they are not worthy of public display. We all know that is BS, but it is there for so many. I have been dressing for 7 months, and have been on this site for most of that time, so i do not harbor those negative feelings, and am progressing rather nicely, and do plan to go out.

    But the decision to do this is one of getting the positive/negative balance in the mind. Your mind made that decision (cant say if it was easy or not, but you know what you went through). The wonderful positive stories that are posted here are a tremendous source of positive thoughts. But, even a 100 to 1 ratio may not be enough to counterbalance the feelings in someone's mind. It might need to be 10,000 to 1 to have an impact given on what that particular person has stored in his mind on the negative side. So not everyone will be as quick as some have been. Many could have so many bad points stored that the vision in their head is that it will never never happen. But this can change as more information, just what this forum supplies, is obtained.

    The key is to never stop posting. I read where some girls dont post their going out because they consider it too "normal" and not worth writing about. Nothing we do is "normal" and everything we do provides one more piece of information for someone's balance point, so you never know when someone will benefit from a trivial or normal activity. They are all positives. They are activities that provide a thought that will be treasured by many of us.

    Dont stop moving forward, and dont stop informing everybody here.

    Love to all, Barbara
    He (she) who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance.
    - Friedrich Nietzche -
    I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.

  13. #13
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    the excuses are not necessarily the real reasons

    Quote Originally Posted by JessHaust View Post
    Ladies,
    This question is for all of you still in the closet, particularly those that continually post that they are in with the door firmly shut.

    If you have been here for a while you will know that I am anything but in the closet, if you are new, find and read some of my posts.

    So my question is this: What is it that YOU think that makes your situation so very different than mine? (and others like me)

    I heard all the time about how no one would accept them, yet I am out to everyone, wife, kids, friends. Not just 2 or 3 people, but around 30. NONE of them have any issues with it. they are all different ages, and from diverse backgrounds. So Why will all the people in your lives be so different?

    I also hear, "I live in a very CD unfriendly place". Yet I live in the land of the Bible belt, Conservative, republican strong hold. Hell when I go mountain biking sometimes the trail is blocked by secret service because George W. Bush has decided to ride that trail today. Yes he lives here. But I go out on the town , Dallas, with my CD friends and we are happily accepted everywhere we go, and we go everywhere. So What makes your city/town so different?

    Yes, I know I will get beat up over this one, but I'm used to it by now!
    Some reasons, Jess, aren't exactly the real reasons but the phrase that is easiest to write. It may NOT explain the deepest feelings of someone, but if they say, "CD unfriendly place" it works as an excuse because it could be true and it is one that is easily acceptable to many readers.

    Lets switch to musicians and artists or actors even for a minute. There are many gifted amateur musicians and artists and actors who do what they do for the love of it, and not for the notoriety. They simply love to play or paint or appear in local theater. They don't want the hassles of being a professional, and also have other interests in life. They likely get the same kind of question. Why don't you want to do this for a living? Your are so good (passable....) It is a choice that some people make, and it can be equally apply to crossdressers. They are not interested in strutting their stuff in public. And, IMHO, dressing has no real connection with feelings of femininity, anymore that we would expect Einstein to dress in a tuxedo just because he was a brilliant physicist. Perhaps the problem is that those two ideas have become connected when we know that there are dressers who do it only for pleasure--or exhibitionism or many other reasons.
    Those who combine their femme feelings with dress and get out should be fine with their acceptance of folks who simply want to stay home and enjoy the aura of the moment in the confines of their home. Pushing--whether it is in a line--or on the forum --is decidedly unfriendly. I think everyone enjoys the thrills of those who go out vicariously, but it should work both ways. You should enjoy the tales of those who stay home, firmly, or not so firmly, in their "closets".

  14. #14
    Gold Member Marleena's Avatar
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    Jess I've said it before but you seem to be an exception with people greeting you as a CD with open arms. I see so many CDer's here taking a beating for coming out when they don't need to.

    I live in a transphobic city. It is a blue collar car factory lunch bucket city. The girls I have been in contact with will not CD here under any circumstances since they don't feel safe. The shrink I came out to over pain and meds issues from a work injury asked me the same question. "do you go out in public here"? My answer was no. I asked him if he had any other TG patients (it's not his expertise btw) he said 4 others. He also told me one moved out of the city because she did not feel safe. That was enough confirmation for me. So I travel out of town myself.

    BUT if I was transsexual or living 24/7 as a woman I would move to a new neighborhood and at least try it here. That would make me at least attempt it.

  15. #15
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JessHaust View Post
    So my question is this: What is it that YOU think that makes your situation so very different than mine? (and others like me)
    Tell me Jess, how many years did it take you to go out? Had someone told you before you were ready or before your partner knew (assuming you have not told every partner in your life right off the bat) that you "should" go out in public, what would have been your reaction? This is where you will find your answer.

    Everyone meanders along the path at their own rate, and also some of the paths diverge based on different personalities, different life circumstances, and different needs. Please accept this.

    Also a word of warning for everyone: although civilized discussion is always beneficial, if this thread morphs into another ugly and flame-filled debate about "out" vs. "in" (we've had our fair share of these), I will close it.
    Reine

  16. #16
    Aspiring Member JessHaust's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    Tell me Jess, how many years did it take you to go out? Had someone told you before you were ready or before your partner knew (assuming you have not told every partner in your life right off the bat) that you "should" go out in public, what would have been your reaction? This is where you will find your answer.

    Everyone meanders along the path at their own rate, and also some of the paths diverge based on different personalities, different life circumstances, and different needs. Please accept this.

    Also a word of warning for everyone: although civilized discussion is always beneficial, if this thread morphs into another ugly and flame-filled debate about "out" vs. "in" (we've had our fair share of these), I will close it.
    My wife has known for 35 years, I told her when we started dating. I was closeted for the last 50. If some one had told me to go out and that there were actually other people like me out there I would have jumped at the chance. The only reason I stayed closeted was because i thought I was alone and had no way of finding others.
    How have I been going out? First time I ever dressed in full makeup, wig dress and all was Nov 5, 2011, halloween party at my house. Next was 2 weeks later, went to the movies. Then 2 weeks later I found the local CD group and have been going out several times a week ever since.
    Once I discovered that there were other people I did jump at the chance, just wish I had found out sooner. Maybe if I had found this forum sooner, and somebody had asked the right questions.....

    And please lets keep this light. No wars here , just honest questions and honest answers. Nobody, especially myself, is trying say any of our opinions is better than anybody else's, We all do what we feel is right in our own situations and that's exactly what we should do. I really just want to know how we all feel.
    Last edited by JessHaust; 04-11-2012 at 03:56 PM.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    Everyone meanders along the path at their own rate, and also some of the paths diverge based on different personalities, different life circumstances, and different needs. Please accept this.
    Spot on.

    Quote Originally Posted by JessHaust View Post
    My wife has known for 35 years, I told her when we started dating. I was closeted for the last 50.
    C'mon, Jess. You had 50 years? Then maybe the rest of us are entitled to a bit of time.

    I finally came out to myself only about 5 months ago. Now I would like to get out in public, and perhaps some day I will. But I'm not pushing it. I'll take it at my own pace. I need time to get comfortable with myself first.

    One of my main considerations is where I live: a very small town where I'd stick out like a sore thumb if I were recognized, which I undoubtedly would be. It might make sense for me to move to a larger place. A TS friend of mine recently concurred with me on this. So perhaps that's what I'll have to do. I'm considering my options, but I will go at my own pace.

    Jess, your question is valid and there's no reason not to raise it. But two provisos: you've stated that happy comings-out outnumber the unfortunate ones by about 100 to 1. Not so sure of that myself. I'd want to see some scientific data.

    Secondly, I think you're falling into what I call the "St. Paul Fallacy": "What is true of me is true of the whole world."

    Best wishes, Annabelle

  18. #18
    In transmission whowhatwhen's Avatar
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    I'll give my reason without trying to get too violin-y.
    Basically my life is a mess, between depression and health problems I've painted myself into an awkward corner which I'm struggling to free myself of.

    As such, at the moment my family is all I have.
    I owe them everything especially for all their support when I've been sick.

    The thought of losing them, and or having their perception of me permanently change is terrifying.
    Especially when I don't know the answers to any questions they may ask.

    I'm at least looking into therapy but being jobless, depressed, and broke doesn't lend itself well to crossdressing let alone going out anywhere.
    I won't beat up anyone over questions though, it's all interesting thought that helps everyone learn and understand more about themselves.

  19. #19
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    Rather funny my first post is why I am not 'outing' myself in the world. Trust me, I would love to be able to play video games/role playing games (err...I should clarify I mean Dungeons and Dragons type role playing, not daddy/babysitter role playing), or even be able to be dressed and play a good game of Monopoly. But I am a private person, my girlfriend and one other person knows my dressing and they also understand it also is a great therapy for me. Are there points were I could scream to the heavens who and what I do? Of course, I think we all hit that point just like at one time or another have gone through purging of our fem clothes. But for now I am just looking for other crossdressers where I can speak freely, and from looking at other posts here everyone here is treated like a family member, lots of support. And for this I say bravo! For those who are out in the public, I give you the biggest applause. And maybe in the future I will come out of the slightly opened closet door and come out with my heels a clicking, until then I stay on the carpet so my heels don't make noise.

  20. #20
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    Was it Roosevelt who said that the only thing that we have to fear is fear itself. Coming out to family and friends is a big thing. I was on the other side of this when a fellow student decided to come out while going through counselling in preparation for SRS. Some people found it very hard to accept and I still remember their comments.

  21. #21
    Gold Member NicoleScott's Avatar
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    Jess, the simple answer to your question (I came out, no problems, why is your life different?) is that my life is different, my situation is different. The answer was in the question. I know FOR SURE that I would lose my job. I know my boss (THE company boss), I have for over 20 years, I know his attitudes about people different than himself, and have seen him act on those attitudes. I have said this before and some people have said things like "Who would want to work for HIM? Get another job." or "You have rights." "You have recourse." etc. I have a good job. It pays well, I'm good at it, and I like it. I wouldn't want to end all that's good by coming out. It's not lack of bravery. It's being smart, knowing my situation and acting best for my family.
    Also, I have no compelling reason to come out. Happy in the closet.
    Last edited by NicoleScott; 04-11-2012 at 07:29 PM. Reason: typo

  22. #22
    Member Kimberlyfaye's Avatar
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    My gf says I shouldn't hide who I am but I always feel I have to. My "life" and I use the term to describe my male act to the world, would fall apart completely if some were to find out. So far only a few people know about me. I don't think I could continue working at my job due to the comments I would have to endure. I applaud and respect those of you who have stood up and said to the world "here I am, this is me, I don't care what you think". You really are what I would love to be. I agree that it seems you think the more of us that stand up and be recognised the easier it will be for us to be accepted. And I respect that so much too :-)

    Can I ask Jess, how did you go about coming out to your close family and friends?

  23. #23
    Aspiring Member Janelle_C's Avatar
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    For me I think it's my fear and my wifes fear that keeps me in my closet. I used to think that I would die if someone fond out. I think I was somewhat ashamed I thought there was something wrong with me. Them I fond this site and started therapy and fond out that I'm not alone and that there nothing wrong with me. I've got more work to do in therapy and I have to wait until my wife is ready. I think we underestimate people, for me it took me forever to love myself the way I am so it make it hard to believe that other will love that side of me.
    Hugs, Janelle
    "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" Anais Nin.

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  24. #24
    Gold Member ~Joanne~'s Avatar
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    I think one word sums it up for me : FEAR. I have a lot of fears that I need to overcome and it's a slow and agonizing road to travel. I have been out here and there before, quick runs to the mail box (inside the same building), I have drove around under dressed (hose and heels), and even went out once fully enfemme on halloween. the desire to do more and go out more ( especially because of halloween) is always there but the fear keeps me inside.

    I have just accepted this side of me myself. For the longest time I tried to deny it as just a really wild pantyhose fetish (which is still that way sometimes) but I came to terms that this is a part of who I am, it isn't going away, and I really do feel more relaxed and comfortable when en femme . That being that I am just now accepting this, I feel it's too soon to try and hope that others will accept also. I have the same fears a lot of girls have posted before me. I also still have a lot to learn and this forum has been both a god send and a curse at the same time.

    There is a ton of useful information here from make up, clothing, advice, Friendship and the list goes on and on but then there is also the pressure sometimes. The pressure to be out there, to say to hell with the world, tell everyone and anyone, try it on at the store etc, etc, etc and personally I am not ready for any of this. I am not saying that it isn't right nor that it's not the path I should be walking but it takes time to actually reach that path and until your fully at ease with every aspect of your being the FEAR will keep you huddled in that closet which at this time, isn't all that bad
    Flip Flops were made for Beaches & Bath Houses, We have neither in 2017. Lose the flip flops!

  25. #25
    Silver Member Babeba's Avatar
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    Crystal and I went out for a short walk once, and got spooked by a bunch of drunks in a pickup shouting and slamming on their brakes. We had fun up to that point, but I don't think we're ready for a second outing yet.

    I consider myself to be in the closet as a GG SO, because it is REALLY not my secret to be sharing. It is up to Crystal to decide who knows, who doesn't, and when they cross from
    One category to another. Frankly, I think there would be an adjustment period for anyone who would find out... And for the most part I am just as happy not having to help deal with that for now.
    Last edited by Babeba; 04-11-2012 at 08:08 PM.

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