Told my mother today

[rebekkadg]

I have no idea what came over me today but I out of the blue decided to call my mother and tell her after having long said that she never needs to know. The conversation went better than I could have possibly expected.

It took me literally forever to get it out of my mouth. I told her at the start of the conversation before telling her that she needed to just duct tape her mouth (my dad was just the next room over and I still not sure I want him to know) and pull up a chair. Then I sat down and paced around the house with the phone up to my ear with her waiting for me to tell her with me giving myself out loud a pep talk on I can do this while she listened.

I finally got it out and she said it wasn't what she was expecting but she was not surprised. Her first concerns were not the typical "am I gay" or "are you planning on having a sex change" or "why would you think this" but her first concerns were how this impacted my relationship with my wife. I assured her that this was not going to cause my wife and I to get a divorce or have any severe strain in our relationship.

She explained to me she wasn't surprised because emotionally I have always always been clearly on the female side, that I have always had girl friends, that I protested too hard about doing female things, and I had never fit in well with other males at all. She said she and my father actually had a conversation once when I was in high school about whether or not I was gay. She said she is not surprised and it explains alot and that she is perfectly accepting of it.

She also suggested having me grow my hair out more (she says that it looks better that way anyway). And was mildly hurt I felt so much stress and concern about coming to her about this. I am going to sit down with her in person tomorrow and have a longer talk but I feel like a huge burden got lifted off my shoulders today.

[Abby74]

I've thought about telling my mother (late 60's) but I haven't. I think the signs are there heck after a 4th grade school Christmas performance I got my green tights back out of her dresser. And she found a few of her things in my room. She's open minded enough I could but I haven't. It would explain all the different place my wife and I go.

Good luck

[Barbara Ella]

Congratulations to you Rebekka. Amazing how parents can fool you. Just assure her that the stress was not over telling her, but of removing one of the burdens that society demands we carry on our backs, and she has helped you lift off another one of those and is making your life so much brighter now. Maybe she will have insight about others who might not take it as bad as you think. You never know with parents.

Barbara

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

Pretty cool Mom, way to go.

[suzy1]

It sounds like it went very well. I am so pleased for you Rebekka.
Thank you for sharing this with us. Let us know how it goes with your mother.

SUZY

[JessHaust]

Congratulations Rebekka, that has to be a wonderful feeling. My mother passed away before I really decided to be me, but I would like to think that she would have been as sweet and understanding as yours.

[Michaelasfun]

Great job, Rebekka. That took a lot of guts and I'm glad she's understanding.

[KimberlyJean]

Congratulations! I am so glad that it went well. I never told my Mom but looking back at a few things growing up I am sure that she knew already. I think she even kind of told my wife.

[kimdl93]

Arent mothers great?!!! I know my mom was aware that I was different from my earliest years. Just little thingsa that were different from my brothers.

[anonymousinmaryland]

WOW. Let us know about the actual meeting.

[Marleena]

Great story Rebekka! I'm glad it went so well for you.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Well you've cleared one hurdle now lets see how the face to face goes please advise.

[takyon]

I remember when I was about 20, I was still living with my mom at the time. And I thought no body was home, so I forgot to lock my room. Well my mom came in and saw me and caught me wearing a dress and nylons. My mom is kinda of a old fashion asian women.

[paulaloha]

I keep thinking about telling my mom, just haven't done it yet.

Definitely let us know how things turn out after talking to her in person!

[Anne2345]

This is a fantastic, wonderful story. I am really happy that it worked out for you, and that it appears to have been the right decision for you.

I must admit, however, that I have mixed feelings on the issue of telling one's parents. As a general rule, our parents' generation is more ignorant and misinformed about CD/TG issues than our generation. Given that we undeniably have acceptance issues in our own generation, it surely must follow that our parents generation has more difficulties and demons to exorcise when it comes to understanding and acceptance of these issues than we do.

And the truth of the matter is that many of our parents are becoming older and more set in their ways. As they live out their remaining years of life, who does it serve the most to tell? Is the son who informs his mother that he is a CD/TG more the dutiful son, in that his mother should know, and would want to know? Or is the son who tells his mother the selfish son who wants tell for his own reasons and benefit, thereby risking alienation from, or a tainted, strained relationship with the parent over the last remaining years of the parent's lives?

Because the thing is, once this issue is disclosed to the parents, there is no taking it back. What's done will be done, with no opportunity to go back.

But don't get me wrong. It's not that I am opposed to telling one's parents. It's just that I think the motivation for disclosure should first be examined and determined, then the chance of a successful coming out to the parents should be evaluated.

Coming out to a friend, where such coming out goes south, where the friend cuts ties and is lost, new friends can be established.

Unlike coming out to friends, if it goes bad for coming out to one's parents, it's not like you can go out and establish new parents.

Moreover, the well-being and quality of life of the parent should be considered. If telling would reduce the quality of life, perhaps it is best not to tell. If, however, the quality of life of the parent increases as a result, it seems as if it would be a win-win situation.

So my advice, for whatever it is worth, is if you tell your parents, your motivation had better be pure, and you better be sure that the chances of acceptance and understanding are reasonably high.

[stacycoral]

I am happy for you,I hope your talk goes like you wish, Hugs

[rebekkadg]

Ok, small update on it. Tried to do face-to-face talk today but my dad was home sick and couldn't find a really good time to talk to my mother when I visited. Tried going outside for a bit but it is very much spring and neither of us could take the pollen. Tried again this evening with my wife in hand but still my dad was there and up and I am not ready to talk to him about it. So kind of a wash today. Will have other opportunities.

[Kristyn Hill]

Proud for you, Rebekka. Sounds like you knew the timing was perfect.

[rebekkadg]

OK another update on this. Emailed my dad today. Still waiting for him to read and reply. Seeing how it goes.

[Jeannie]

I am so happy for you and it goes to show that Moms are a lot more savvy than we sometimes give them credit for. I would however ere on the side of caution and not spring this on her to fast. As for your Dad, it appears that he already knows from what your Mom said; "She said she and my father actually had a conversation once when I was in high school about whether or not I was gay. She said she is not surprised and it explains a lot .........". I wish you the very best and lots of lick. Keep us informed.

[Stephanie47]

Good for your mom! My parents would have beaten the crap out of me.

[rebekkadg]

Ok continuing with status updates on the subject---does this site feel like a facebook page to people sometimes?----my dad read the email and rejects the idea of me being transgender. I am not entirely sure he knows what it means. He blew off most of what I said as perfectly normal behavior and more or less dismissed the subject. Didn't seem angry about it but not sure what course to follow now with him.

I just got back from an all day event at a park and am overheater, tired, overstuffed, and a more than a bit stressed by my dad's response on top of it so not sure I am in the right frame of mind to make decisions about it as of right now.

[Organza]

Oh Rebekka, that is really, really great. I don't know about you but that "I'm not surprised" reaction actually comforts me. I've told two extremely close friends within the past three years and both of them said they weren't surprised because although physically I present as male as you can get, my attitudes and tastes are femimine (Jane Austen, share your feelings, cooking, etc.) I'm delighted that this went so well.
Lisa

[JamieTG]

I'm so happy for you. I still regret not telling my mom back in high school when she gave me the openings. She asked me two different times if I was gay because I wasn't dating. I explained I was afraid to ask girls out for fear of rejection (this was true) but it was the perfect opening to tell her about my xdressing. I know she would have been understanding and it would have released a lot of the pain and guilt I was carrying around on the inside. I think with her help I would have turned out a lot happier and well adjusted. For me it was a big mistake not telling her.

[Contessa]

Hi I'm glad you got to tell your mom, cause you want to tell somebody and you know your mom. I have done the same thing. Not over the phone though, I took a three day bus trip home and then printed out a Tri Ess page and gave it to her and my sister so they could know what I felt. Of late I sent them my avatar pic so they could see me, they don't use the computer much. My mother was okay with it, my sister was but has since pulled back some on her acceptance. She did give her wallet when I was there and I carry it all the time. My dad passed awhile ago, I do think he would be accepting to in a non tg educated way. But I think you know your mother as most men do. It may be the a man should only be a man for your dad. But tell him you are a man probably more of a man when dressed as it would take a man to come out to an unsuspecting dad. If he is a loving caring man he will come around. How about you if and when your son comes to or says to you Dad I am tg. I have two moms(one is my dad's second wife) though she is blind now I think she may say she suspected this of me. Sorry for blabbering for so long, but I do agree with others great story. Please respond with part II dad's story.

Ta Ta

Tess