What secret are you keeping from your SO?

[MandyGG]

I know that there are many that are keeping a huge one from them, but this is geared toward the ones that are "out" to their SO's...

Here is my big secret at the moment:

I hid Audrey's clothes from her. Not because I want her purged, but because I want her to include me in it. I don't want her dressing behind my back, so I hid them so that when she has the urge to dress she will have to ask me where they are.

I know it isn't fair, and I do feel bad.... but I just want to be included, so I am making sure that I am!

Is anyone else being secretive?

[KimberlyJean]

I am not being secretive per say, but I don't tell her when I buy new clothes or go out. Our biggest problem is that I introduced her to Kimberly over 10 years ago and she has evolved so much since then. I would like her to know the Kimberly of today, who is more relaxed and not concerned about sex when she is dressed

[busker]

I know that there are many that are keeping a huge one from them, but this is geared toward the ones that are "out" to their SO's...

Here is my big secret at the moment:

I hid Audrey's clothes from her. Not because I want her purged, but because I want her to include me in it. I don't want her dressing behind my back, so I hid them so that when she has the urge to dress she will have to ask me where they are.

I know it isn't fair, and I do feel bad.... but I just want to be included, so I am making sure that I am!

Is anyone else being secretive?

that could backfire on you. She may well think they have been "purged" and start a new collection, or--figure something is up, wrong and there may be problems coming along. Danielle's suggestion is a good one. Just like a xmas present, you can be part of the opening of the gift and it could be matching lingerie.

[MandyGG]

I am not being secretive per say, but I don't tell her when I buy new clothes or go out. Our biggest problem is that I introduced her to Kimberly over 10 years ago and she has evolved so much since then. I would like her to know the Kimberly of today, who is more relaxed and not concerned about sex when she is dressed

Is she not interested in getting to know this, new and improved, Kim?


Danielle, I know, I totally feel bad about it. And, I think you gave me a great idea! I am so new to this that sometimes I don't know the right way to go with it. I don't want to push him away by being "Too Supportive".... is that even possible?

[Bree Wagner]

I'm probably the other end of the spectrum. I'm too open. I want to talk about it more with my wife, but she has her limits. The conversation too often ends with "That's all you want to talk about!" but it just puts it on pause. I feel the only way to really figure out what you both want is to talk about it. I'd say that secrets are at best neutral, if no one ever learns about it, and far more often negative if someone does. Surprises, on the other hand, can be great. When my wife surprised me by bringing me home a new top it was great. It really let me know she was thinking about it and cared enough to do something nice for me.

My suggestion is to be encouraging and see what he wants. Hopefully, if he wants to slow down because you're being 'too supportive', he'll tell you. You two will find a balance.

-Bree

[KimberlyJean]

Is she not interested in getting to know this, new and improved, Kim?

No, unfortunaly I was still at an early stage of development when I first told her I need to crossdress and the sexual side of it was still a large part. Now we have a hostile Don't ask don't tell. My biggest progress is that she doesn't throw my clothes away when she finds them.

[Miriam-J]

For a while I kept some part of this secret. I think it was from habit (previous SO was severely opposed) and from fear that perhaps she wouldn't be able to accept as well as I hoped. We've been together 3 1/2 years now and my wife has shown incredible acceptance and has even taken the lead at times.

We've grown closest when:
- We discuss things I've learned here or in other sources (My Husband Wears my Clothes was a big one)
- We shop together for both of us, exchanging fashion ideas
- She helps me with my makeup and accessorizing
- Our one wig shop

Try a few of these things and perhaps you'll find yourself just as much a part of it as my wife is. Or pick your own ways to make it a part of your life together.

Miriam

[MandyGG]

Kimberly, I wish I knew a way to help you explain it to her. The Don't Ask Don't Tell situations make my heart hurt. I feel so horrible for the CD's in these, yet I know exactly what the wife feels and I don't blame them. It is such a hard thing to process at times that avoidance seems to work best for us. She loves the other 99% of you, and that is pretty damn close to perfect. Who knows, she may come around soon enough.

Danielle and Bree.... I will put the clothes back where they were. But I can't say that I won't "booby trap" them! Lol!!! Thanks for talking sense back into me. Ugh.

[sandra-leigh]

One "secret" and one thing not made explicit.

The "secret" is that I've been on HRT over a year. My wife has seen all of my medications, but I've avoided naming their purpose. This "secret" will, I think, be revealed about the time I talk to her about the other item.

The thing not made explicit is that I am transgender, androgynous, not-male (but not necessarily female). Sometimes she knows it, more often she mentally puts it aside. In particular we haven't discussed consequences of this, or whether I will transition further (I suspect I will, but I don't know what or when; I don't have any inclination towards SRS though.)

[MandyGG]

One "secret" and one thing not made explicit.

The "secret" is that I've been on HRT over a year. My wife has seen all of my medications, but I've avoided naming their purpose. This "secret" will, I think, be revealed about the time I talk to her about the other item.

The thing not made explicit is that I am transgender, androgynous, not-male (but not necessarily female). Sometimes she knows it, more often she mentally puts it aside. In particular we haven't discussed consequences of this, or whether I will transition further (I suspect I will, but I don't know what or when; I don't have any inclination towards SRS though.)

WOW! I have to say, Sandra, that is huge! What do you think she is going to say when you DO tell her? I couldn't imagine Audrey taking hormones without talking about it with me first, however, I do not think that it is something that she is interested in. Whereas, you imply that your wife has an idea. Have you always been androgynous throughout the marriage? Maybe that is part of her attraction to you.

[Katesback]

Funny you said the hormone thing. If you were to call any of the CD stores and ask what thier big sellers are they will tell you they sell a lot of these magic dust hormones (otherwise called herbal). Makes ya wonder.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Mandy, how about leaving a note with the clothes (something along the lines of I ironed these, folded them, etc.)? Or "why not try this with the new blouse that I left just below?" You would get your point across and probably get the reaction you're looking for. To answer your question- I "hide" my clothes in plain sight- she knowwhere theyh are but they aren't somewhere where anyone would else see them. But the "I don't really want to know" approach she takes makes this easy for both of us. No sneaking, but not in her face either. Still, every now and then she does something to let me know she cares and can live with the dressing.

[sandra-leigh]

What do you think she is going to say when you DO tell her?

I don't think she'll be pleased, but she would probably accept that I needed to do it. The TG part will be bigger to her than the hormones. After all, I've already been on hormones for 15 months and I haven't changed so much, whereas the TG part has more implications for the future.

Whereas, you imply that your wife has an idea. Have you always been androgynous throughout the marriage? Maybe that is part of her attraction to you.

My wife does have an idea. She has asked me at times about my breast development, and about what the patches are for. Not long ago she used the word "hormones" herself in referring to my medication. I know some people would say, "She knows!" but I don't think she does, at least not consciously.

I've been together with her for 15 years, and for the first half of that time I did not know I was a cross-dresser.

The only person my cross-dressing has surprised so far is my mother; everyone else takes it in stride pretty quickly. I was watching a GG as she saw me dressed for the first time, and the expressions she went through were not surprise but instead more like, "Ah, so that explains it!" (that is, as if she already knew I was "different" but hadn't figured out what was different about me.)

I didn't have an androgynous presentation when my (common-law) wife and I met, but I wasn't macho either. Colorful T-shirts in odd colors, sweat-shirts with cave art, uni-sex things were fine. My wife has appropriated my Berkeley Flower Gardens sweat-shirt -- you don't get many guys in my area wearing shirts with embroidered flowers to the office, but I was happy with it. (Embroidered flowers on male shirts does show up in "cowboy" culture, but really that's more than 500 miles west of me, over towards Alberta.)

My wife was (and still is) an "outsider". She was born and raised in Asia but moved to Canada at 14; she doesn't fit in Canadian culture, but she also doesn't fit into the culture of her native country. And I was (and still am) an "outsider" in society too. I wouldn't have been interesting to her if I had been a "regular guy". But as to why I am an "outsider" in my own culture... no-one really knows. One hypothesis is that since I was fairly young, I have always had the vibe of not being exactly male; if so then that could explain a fair bit. But it's a relatively easy hypothesis, since it is essentially impossible to prove. One might as well just hypothesize that I gave out the vibe of "not belonging", and there would probably be more evidence for that.

[PretzelGirl]

My wife does have an idea. She has asked me at times about my breast development, and about what the patches are for. Not long ago she used the word "hormones" herself in referring to my medication. I know some people would say, "She knows!" but I don't think she does, at least not consciously.

She knows! Okay, just kidding. But let's think about it a little. You say your presentation has always been different. You dress at least partially quite regularly. And let's not forget that many think the first two things on wife's minds when they find out are "are you gay" and "are you transitioning" (not that I agree). So that could be a mindset.

But I guess it comes down to how involved your wife is and how your relationship has developed as we are all different. My wife has 11 prescriptions and I can tell you what each one does. If she has medical issues, I want to know what is in her and the possible side effects. If you are taking pills in plain sight, is your wife's personality to where she wouldn't want to know anything about it?

You are pretty open with a lot Sandra. It just seems that taking pills and anyone automatically thinking hormones is an easy "connect the dots" type of thing.

I know that there are many that are keeping a huge one from them, but this is geared toward the ones that are "out" to their SO's...

I don't believe I have any Mandy. I am probably in more of a minority in that my dressing evolved from the very beginning with my wife's participation. We had boundaries from the outset and I very much wanted to stick to them. It has reached the point where there pretty much are no boundaries and this is because I always told her all the things that mattered. We also discuss where this may lead even with hypotheticals just so we know where each other stands. It has worked really well for both of us and I hope it continues that way.

[Cheryl T]

Not keeping any secrets anymore...and it feels so much better.

As for hiding you're SO's clothes to assure yourself a role in her dressing I think that might be extreme and viewed as controlling (unless she happens to like being controlled). I feel a better approach would be to sit down and discuss this. I'm sure that almost all of us would relish the idea that our spouse wished to be so included in this part of our lives. So many of us are still hiding from our spouses that to have one approach us and say please let me be part of this would emotionally knock us out.

[Tina B.]

I told my wife all about me, and cross dressing 35 years ago, because I don't like having to keep secrets. All I have and all I do is completely out in the open. I'm just not the type that could live with that big elephant in the room, so there never was any thought of keeping it a secret. Had I known the need to dress would come back after I got married, I would have told her before we did, but I thought I was "cured" and so no need to tell, but when the desire came back and was over whelming, it didn't take long for me to decide to come clean.
Tina B.

[Marleena]

Mandy, I guess I'm kind of boring. Everything is out in the open to my SO.

Perhaps let your SO know you have her clothes and why. I'm sure it will get the results you want. Your SO might think think you're in the not okay mode.

[Kate Simmons]

No secrets here Mandy. I can understand why you did what you did though Hon. No one really wants to feel left out.

[ReineD]

Danielle and Bree.... I will put the clothes back where they were. But I can't say that I won't "booby trap" them! Lol!!! Thanks for talking sense back into me. Ugh.

Be careful Mandy, trust erosion works both ways. You want your SO to be willing to involve you and not make this decision because he feels controlled by you or he fears your reactions.

Funny you said the hormone thing. If you were to call any of the CD stores and ask what thier big sellers are they will tell you they sell a lot of these magic dust hormones (otherwise called herbal). Makes ya wonder.

What's there to wonder about? A lot of CDers are just plain unknowledgeable about the real effects of hormones. You know full well by the occasional questions we have in the TS section from CDers, they think it is possible to feminize "just a little bit" as a substitution to wearing forms without the loss of male sexual functionality or experiencing the mental/psychological hormonal effects. And there is also a belief the lotions and potions purchased on CD sites actually work.

[Holly]

I guess I am from the boring "no secrets" camp, too. It's difficult (impossible?) to keep secrets from someone you've been married to for over 43 years. I am one very fortunate spouse. My wife is way beyond supportive... she's participative. I make it a point to invite her into all aspects of my life (yes, I do other things besides CD). Some things she chooses to do and others she passes on. But the invitations are always open. As for TG related issues, we do it all together... eyes wide open. Some of the things we have done together; shopping (clothes, of course), groceries, household goods, dining out, movies, live theater (funny story there), the DMV (yes, my girl picture is on my license), plus we bought our house and recently a new car. As you can see, my wife is an amazing woman. I like to think that it cuts both ways.

If you're feeling left out then say something. It's your feeling so say so... "I'm feeling left out of part of your life" is much better than, "Why are you leaving me out of______?" Then say, "Can we talk about some ways to make me feel more of a part of this?" For the record, for as new to this as you are, I think you are doing amazingly well. I am so glad you have joined our community!

[Marguarite]

Gawd Bless Texas......and Mandy. I think you are great, give Audrey time to process all that she is experiencing and I am sure she will understand how to include you. MY wife is
very supportive and enjoys participating, but there are still things she is not ready to do. Such as to go out we me dressed, she doesn't want me to go out without her,and she says she is not
ready yet. I respect that and include it in our conversations to find out how she is changing. There have been a lot of good suggestions of how to gently bring up the subject, just don't give up
on them, or her. I wish you both all the best

Secrets, there are no secrets. I'd like to say it's all out of love, truth is my poker face looks the the joker, and i have a terrible memory and probably couldn't remember why i was supposed to keep it
secret.
to tell something.

[BRANDYJ]

I know that there are many that are keeping a huge one from them, but this is geared toward the ones that are "out" to their SO's...

I know it isn't fair, and I do feel bad.... but I just want to be included, so I am making sure that I am!

Is anyone else being secretive?

Hi Mandy, the only secret I keep from my SO is the fact that I love you. But I might tell her when I get to Michigan Wednesday. LOL OK, I don't think hiding the clothes was a good idea. How does doing some hiding yourself help keep someone else from hiding things from you? That includes the booby trap too!
I know this is not for everyone, But since I am submissive to my SO and she is a very loving dominant.A few years ago she told me that I was not to dress unless she ordered me or asked me to dress for her. If I wanted to dress while she was not around, I had to ask for her permission. This was more of a test of my submission to her then her not wanting me to dress. Well, I can tell you the effect it had on me. I did not want to dress until she asked me too! It was so much more fun and exciting just knowing she wanted me too. so That turned a negative into a positive for me. Frankly, it made dressing without her asking me to dress for her... less appealing to me. Kind of like that saying "all dressed up and no place to go". For me to be dressed and serving her is the ultimate pleasure and feminine feeling in the world to me. OK, call me odd for being one that enjoys the power my SO has over me. I am anything but submissive to anyone but the Lady I love. But my point is, with her involvement, my desire to dress has reached new heights.
To answer your question....No, I don't keep anything from her and she does not keep anything from me.

[Raychel]

No real secrets here either. After I told my wife all about myself, All secrets were done. That was a huge relief. Although I do sneek some new clothes in at times. She doesn't really approve of me buying new dresses

[NyssaF]

Each time I try to keep a secret, I start feeling too guilty and tell her. I did let her know right away when I wanted to start cross-dressing. Then I bought some more clothes, told her. Decided to make myself some falsies, then told her. took some pics to use - including the ones I've post here, told her about it. Start experimenting with makeup and a wig, told her about it.

I've given up on trying to keep secrets.

[Eryn]

I tried the "keeping secrets" thing and all it did was almost ruin everything. These days I try to keep the secrets limited to what gifts I'm going to give her.

Mandy, if you want Audrey to be more inclusive of you I think that you would be better off suggesting things to do that include both of you:

"Audrey, would you help me select an outfit for [upcoming event]?" After you're done, you can look at her clothes and say "Gee, this is a pretty sweater, what skirts do you have to go with it?"

Shopping trips are another good way to establish mutual participation, if the two of you are compatible in shopping styles.

It takes time for a CDer to get used to sharing such ideas with her spouse. Guilt and shame do not yield immediately, even to logic. After hiding CDing from a spouse for such a long time one can't just throw open the doors and say "C'mon in!" Sometimes we need a little positive prompting to open up. Keep at it (gently) and Audrey will come around.