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Thread: Wife's ultimatum

  1. #26
    Aligning her body & soul sierra_g's Avatar
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    I have invited her to join forums with me on things like this before, and has always told me she doesn't care for one sided arguments and everyone on the forum will be automatically on my side. It isn't usually the case at all. I am normally a very selfish person. I've tried to let that go best I can.

    Divorce, if it happens, is best when the children are very young. If we are headed down that road, it is best now instead of later. I just don't ever want it.

    For the Gynosupremesy, I believe that women are better than men at a lot of important things, such as thinking, multi tasking, etc. We tried a wife led relationship. She wasn't comfortable with it, so we are at 50/50, but if there is a decision we are both on the fence about, she gets final decision. It works for us.

    Right now, we are living with her mom. If my wife tells her mom about the CD, I will be out immediately, no questions asked. Wife can come with or go, but she would stay. Just to be safe, I always know of a place I could live, but getting the deposit and rent is the tough part. All my money goes to bills and kids.

  2. #27
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    My first wife divorced me when my two kids where young, 3 and 5.
    I had it in the divorce degree that if she blabbed all over town about my dressing,
    She would have to support the kids herself. The judge went along with it to a point,
    That she was never tell the kids why we divorced. My Former wife was a real busy body,
    And a rummer spreader, I did not want my reputation to get trashed over her.
    Something to think about if you have to go down that road.
    Rader

  3. #28
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sierra_g View Post
    I have invited her to join forums with me on things like this before, and has always told me she doesn't care for one sided arguments and everyone on the forum will be automatically on my side.
    Well, that's not true. Please let her know that many of the wives who join here have a hard time with some or all aspects of the CDing. They're here to learn about what it means and how it fits into their relationships. They're not here to be "talked into" accepting anything. It is up to each wife, once she has learned more about this, to decide whether she can live with it or not, or determine what compromises can be made.

    We do have a support section for GGs only. Your wife can read more about the FAB forum from our Index page, if she clicks on the "Announcements" link next to the FAB section.

    This very thread is in a section that is viewable by the public, so you should just show her my post. If you're reading this, Mrs. Sierra_g, I promise you that no one here will try to convince you of anything. We'll just answer your questions.

    Reine

  4. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by MandyGG View Post
    I disagree to a certain extent on this. Yes, it is best for the children to be with their biological parents. However, they are in their early 30's and the possibility of them remarrying is high. I had an abusive 1st husband, and my 2 kids are much better with their CDing step dad than they ever were with their biological father. I am speaking from a female point of view and from experience. If we, as mothers, feel that the marriage is destined for failure and there is talk of separation we would rather it happen when the children are still young and will not have the memory of the divorce. Then the children go through life used to the fact that their parents aren't together and grow up perfectly fine.

    I am not saying that this is what Sierra's wife, or Sierra, is feeling. I am just making a general statement that I have heard MANY women voice this opinion on.
    Mandy, I have absolutely NO experience except what I read about children and the effects of divorce. I'll take your word for what seems to be the solution, and even mentioned again by another poster. The things is, women with children have a MORE difficult time remarrying because they have a ready-made family that puts some men off.

  5. #30
    Member Lorenqt's Avatar
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    You have to decide what matters more, your dressing or your family (namely your kids). You might give her some time and see if she'll be willing to back off from her ultimatum.

  6. #31
    Senior Member Jacqueline Winona's Avatar
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    I really feel for you on this one, Sierra, you don't need me to tell you this is really tough climbing but if it makes you feel better, please know most of us are squarely in your corner. There are no silver bullet answers that will explain this to her, the best I can do for you is to stress to her that this is part of who you are, you can't just shut it off and promise to never do it again no more than you could promise to never eat the foods you love or watch the tv shows you enjoy again. I know this is so hard with kids and your living with in-laws, but she needs to give on this. Can she live with you not doing it in front of her, her parents, or the kids? That would take up almost every waking moment, which isn't truly fair to you, but it would be a pretty good compromise.

  7. #32
    Im not Alicia Sliverstone Clueless's Avatar
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    I'm not sure from your posts, but did you let her know about your Cding before or after the marriage? If not, that is a big honesty/deception issue, not to be taken lightly. Just because she was accepting or even participating at first, does not erase your lying to her before marriage. She has every right to be very very upset about that. It make take a long time for that to come out. Other Cders would do well to learn that before getting serious with someone. It's only fair.

    Did her opposition to your Cding start when you moved into her parents place? If so, that can be a simple & understandable reaction on her part: don't doo doo in your domicile. If I were in your shoes & in that situation, I would not do any Cding or any other "odd" activities & for sure not posses/hide any related items there. To me it would be awkward at best, even if her parents knew about it & approved. It sounds like they would not approve at all. Common courtesy & a healthy survival instinct would make that a no Cding or other alternative activities zone. I'm sure there is enough stress in the household, just with the extra people there. Please don't add to it, work on getting a place for your family.

    Has she tried other ways to get you to stop Cding, before the cease & desist order? Is she a good communicator? Are you a good listener? Maybe the real issue is that she (like most females) is attracted to & wants a dominate male. It may have taken her awhile to figure that out for herself. I can understand her fears & insecurities about the closet homosexuality issue. If I were in her shoes, it would be a major trust issue & a very big deal. Were you 100% honest & open about your experiences? When did you tell her? Do you know for sure that you are 100% straight? Are you sure that you don't want to go further than just Cding? I know those are some tough questions, but look at it from her viewpoint.

    Deception & lying can cause hidden irreparable damage. Her needs, wants & tolerances can change. IMO, the best you can do now is be 100% honest with yourself & her. You can buy her some books, ask her to talk to professionals & even post on forums. In the end though, she has to decide what she believes about Cding, right or wrong. If she decides it's best for her & her kids to not have Cding in their lives, that's her right. Do what is best for your kids. Put their needs before yours. You may have to make some very tough choices. I'm sorry that you are in a bad position. Good Luck
    Last edited by Clueless; 04-24-2012 at 02:39 AM. Reason: typo

  8. #33
    Member Brenda79135's Avatar
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    I am sorry to read about your situation. Having to live with the in-laws are always a stressful time. The biggest problem with it is that you are always compared to her dad and what he has accomplished. In most cricumstances, once you get married the new relationship is supposed to stand on its own and should not need the help of the in-laws or parents. Yes, GGs may be better at thinking and multitacking, this does not mean they can lead. She maybe afraid of failure having the responsibility put on her. Leading a family is hard enough, but to put in the mixture her parents telling her what to do and how to do it just puts to much stress on her and yourself. The best ultimatum both of you can impose on the family is to get your own place any from the in-laws. This will allow the decisions made for the family to affect only the family and not be questioned by the in-laws. When my wife and I were first married, my mother-in-law was calling all the time giving advice to my wife. Things started to fall apart in our marriage rapidly. We made the decision to move to Germany for my job. With the cost of overseas phone calls at the time. The calling dropped off. This allowed my wife to get her beating and how to live in a relationship without her mother always injecting 'good advice' when not asked for. The farther away from any parents the better. Once this is done both of you will become dependent on each other instead of the parents.

  9. #34
    Banned Read only nikkijo's Avatar
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    you are at a turning point... either be a family man, or be alone and keep being something in between... BEEN THERE DONE THIS... it doesnt work to be unhappy... so its your choice... figure yourself out and be who you need to be... if you must dress you can kiss your existing life good bye.. because thats where your wife is at... its an ugly process and its horrible to live through... if its CD'ing find a new outlet and raise your family... if you go beyond CD into the realm of TG then you have life altering decisions to make. simple as that... figure yourself out and man up one way or another.... BEEN THERE LOST A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, and my only real support and ive paid dearly in more ways than one...... so dont go down my path and try to be something your not... either bow out and say ok ill leave, or man up, find a new hobby and raise your family

    \
    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    Well, that's not true. Please let her know that many of the wives who join here have a hard time with some or all aspects of the CDing. They're here to learn about what it means and how it fits into their relationships. They're not here to be "talked into" accepting anything. It is up to each wife, once she has learned more about this, to decide whether she can live with it or not, or determine what compromises can be made.

    We do have a support section for GGs only. Your wife can read more about the FAB forum from our Index page, if she clicks on the "Announcements" link next to the FAB section.

    This very thread is in a section that is viewable by the public, so you should just show her my post. If you're reading this, Mrs. Sierra_g, I promise you that no one here will try to convince you of anything. We'll just answer your questions.

    to the MRS... trust me when i say this if your viewing.... you arent the only one to make this statement.. my ex wife made the same statment, i tried to be someone i wasnt and it tore our relationship apart.. so not trying to change your mind, on what you need to have happen to stay happy, but what ever answer your husband gives you, you have to still do your part to support that choice.. if he says he cant stop then follow through and dont hold back and send him packing, it will be better overall in the long run... i fought for two years being something i wasnt and it tore my life apart completely left me with out any support base because i pushed everyone to her side by not leaving when she asked and its taken almost a year just to be able to converse again where as if done right you two can seperate and still remain in contact and raise your family together, just under two roofs,
    Last edited by Sandra; 04-24-2012 at 02:03 PM. Reason: merged consecutive post please use the edit function, multi posting is not allowed.

  10. #35
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    H Sierra, It's hard to make a touch down when they move the goal line out in the parking lot.

    She may change her mind and she may never change.

    My wonderful wife told me a couple years ago that she wishes it would go away
    I said the only wayit would go away is if I take it with me when I go.
    After fourty eight years of marrage no one is going anywhere.
    IT'S just DADT now.
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

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  11. #36
    Member Jessica Keys's Avatar
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    First off you need to get a job and if you already have one...get a better one so you/her can move into your own place. Living with your wife's mom...give me a break! You can't afford to live the CD life style....FOR-GET-IT. You better get your sh-t in order first and be a man, and then come back and try it.
    I have some other ideas for you....but, I better keep them to myself.

  12. #37
    Aligning her body & soul sierra_g's Avatar
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    Update:
    Last night we fought. It was a very silent hurtful fight. Eventually, I asked her if what she wanted was for me to leave. She said that I ask the same question and always get the same answer. Yes, her answer is always the same, but it is a question. "Do you want to move out?" No results. I pushed harder for the first time. I told her that if it is what she wants, I would go. I wouldn't even try for custody, unless she decided to make our situation public.
    After about 5 minutes of silence, something changed in the room. I don't know if it was the reality, or the thought that she wasn't controlling the situation for a while, but something changed. She decided that in the Bible, it says that the only reason for divorce is adultry and she wasn't going to cheat on me so she would try to get used to it, but if I was parading around in front of the kids, she would break that even. I don't think the fight is over, but for now it is. I am not planning to start wearing dresses everyday, but maybe I can finally shave my legs and pits, maybe don a pair of cute jeans. I don't know. Either way, it is a long strange trip.

  13. #38
    Gold Member NicoleScott's Avatar
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    What? She's going to stay in the marriage, not at all happy about your crossdressing, but pretty much resigned to it, and your response is to push the femininity envelope farther?

  14. #39
    Audrey Michelle's SO
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    Quote Originally Posted by NicoleScott View Post
    What? She's going to stay in the marriage, not at all happy about your crossdressing, but pretty much resigned to it, and your response is to push the femininity envelope farther?
    I have to agree with this. If she is basically telling you that she wants a Don't Ask Don't Tell policy, the why on earth would you jump to shaving your legs and arm pits?!?! The shaving is one HUGE issue with a wife. We complain about it all the time! We don't want the constant reminder that our SO's crossdress, and having prickly legs touch us in bed is just that! It is also summer time, and shorts are a huge part of the male wardrobe right now. You live with her mom, do you want her seeing silky smooth legs? You would be homeless and divorced in seconds.

    Think things through. Only dress when the need is too great. Don't take advantage of the fact that she wants her husband, no matter the cost, and is willing to overlook this one aspect. You need to respect that she doesn't like it, and find it in yourself to only stay in her comfort zone.
    Real Men (Among Others! ) Wear Panties

  15. #40
    Aligning her body & soul sierra_g's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by NicoleScott View Post
    What? She's going to stay in the marriage, not at all happy about your crossdressing, but pretty much resigned to it, and your response is to push the femininity envelope farther?
    I don't know really what to do? Do I back off then? Do I stop? I'm so confused all of a sudden. Suggestions?

  16. #41
    Aspiring Member EllieOPKS's Avatar
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    Nigella thanks for the reality check. A complex situation for some is simple to others who are not wearing those moccasins.

    My suggestion would be to concede to her demands for now as it will defuse the situation. At a later point in time, kindly asks what made the CD thing such an ultimatum from her. Then listen carefully.

  17. #42
    Aligning her body & soul sierra_g's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MandyGG View Post
    I have to agree with this. If she is basically telling you that she wants a Don't Ask Don't Tell policy, the why on earth would you jump to shaving your legs and arm pits?!?! The shaving is one HUGE issue with a wife. We complain about it all the time! We don't want the constant reminder that our SO's crossdress, and having prickly legs touch us in bed is just that! It is also summer time, and shorts are a huge part of the male wardrobe right now. You live with her mom, do you want her seeing silky smooth legs? You would be homeless and divorced in seconds.

    Think things through. Only dress when the need is too great. Don't take advantage of the fact that she wants her husband, no matter the cost, and is willing to overlook this one aspect. You need to respect that she doesn't like it, and find it in yourself to only stay in her comfort zone.
    Gotcha, that does make sense. I've been trying to figure out how to start a dialogue with her on this to see what her comfort zone is, but I am afraid it may be too soon. For the next week we have family coming into town, so I won't get to get dressed for a while anyway. Great opportunity to converse.

  18. #43
    Gold Member TxKimberly's Avatar
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    I've got to admit that I have no bright ideas, no wondrous suggestions, and no intelligent comments to make. Still, I just want to wish you the both the very best of luck!

  19. #44
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    I have been in a non-accepting situation with my first wife who was also told well before we married and she still made the decision to go ahead with it.

    That was until some issues came up which had nothing to do with my dressing but used the subject anyway to hurt me and make my life a literal hell for five years until we divorced.

    So I stand by all of my comments and I still believe that most marriages are very one-sided with the wife having the upper hand.

  20. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by sierra_g View Post
    Gotcha, that does make sense. I've been trying to figure out how to start a dialogue with her on this to see what her comfort zone is, but I am afraid it may be too soon. For the next week we have family coming into town, so I won't get to get dressed for a while anyway. Great opportunity to converse.
    It is too soon. Enjoy the company of others right now. Be the best husband and father that you can be for a little bit. Show her that you are committed to her and your relationship. Don't worry about dressing right now. This is the time that you need to rebuild the relationship. She will be much more accepting once she feels that you are "choosing her". Once you two are at a complete calm and the fighting has subsided, then you can bring it up to her. Don't tell her what you want at that time...as this is the time to ask her what you can do to make her more accepting. Ask her what her concerns are. Make it clear that you want the marriage, but this is part of who you are and ask her how you can work together. Her concern right now might just be the fact that you live with her mom and once you are back out on your own she may get right back into it. But, living in a stressful situation and then adding this to it is a lot on a wife. Deal with one thing at a time. Get on your feet. Get out of her moms house. Get your marriage in order. Get your life back.....THEN Get yourself some panties. If she has supported it before, then she can do it again. You were lucky in the fact that she has. She didn't leave you the day you told her. There is hope there. You just have to give it time. And DONT shave your legs and pits just yet. That would be silly.

    Quote Originally Posted by KarenCDFL View Post
    So I stand by all of my comments and I still believe that most marriages are very one-sided with the wife having the upper hand.
    Karen, I see where you are coming from and I do sympathize from what happened to you. However, when you break this down in what would be considered a "normal" standpoint, you have to realize that women marry men because they are MEN. There are those that are open minded and those that are closed. This is with anything. I don't think that it is an "upper hand" problem. Most, if not all, of the wives are NOT Transgendered. We do not have the internal feelings that you do. We do not have the ability to feel the urge. We do not know what it is like to feel the need to stuff our pants and present as a man. We tend to look at it like golf, for instance, where it is more like a hobby that can be put away for a while. So, for us to be accepting takes a lot of knowledge, a lot of love, and a lot of understanding. Maybe in your situation, there were much deeper issues and not enough love to survive the marriage.....CD or Not.
    Last edited by MandyGG; 04-24-2012 at 12:51 PM.
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  21. #46
    Aligning her body & soul sierra_g's Avatar
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    I started a dialogue with her, but she has changed her mind. If I do it, she will stay married to me, but she won't sleep in the same bed as me or have any affection to me. That isn't a marriage. I am really getting tired of this.

  22. #47
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    Sierra, you need to learn some patience. She may have lots of opinions about your dressing and gender identity before its all over. The one thing that is sure to derail your marriage is to push, rush and focus solely on your wants.

  23. #48
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    Your story saddens me, I wish I knew exactly what to tell you I'm not yet old enough to quite have knowledge to help you, but I believe that since you've married her there is the whole in sickness and health thing and you should try to help her understand that the love you have for each other shouldn't be dependent on one thing like this, you are an individual and have your rights to be as you please and she should learn to look past that just as I'm sure both of you have learned to love the person behind any faults in each other. I wish only the best to you and hope she will understand that no matter how you dress or how you look, you are the same person she fell in love with and married for those reasons.
    Last edited by Simply Joslyn; 04-24-2012 at 01:02 PM.

  24. #49
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    I'm surprised that she'd have that sort of reaciton after marriage and a few children. She must have some grasp of the bigger picture. It seems like once kids are involved, the relationship and the home dynamic is bigger than just two people. What if she just ceased to participate with you? She gave it a try and found out that she doesn't have it in her to be an active participant in the life of your female self...so how hard could it be to simply allow you to be you on your own time? Everyone wants marriage to be full of unconditional acceptance and understanding, but I'm surprised that she'd balk at the first real gray area. A marriage is composed of two individuals. Is it so strange that an individual should require individual space? She could at least have the maturity to understand that the welfare of your children is more important than either of you. If worse came to worse, you'd definitely be in the right to fight legally for shared custody. You are clearly very concerned with her feelings and a self-identified gynosupremacist probably wouldn't make any undue demands on a wife. You have shown yourself to be a very capable and empathic partner. If she can't meet you half way, that's her failing, and if she'd exclude you from the life of your daughters, then maybe she needs to re-assess what exactly is at stake.

    Forgive me if this seems like a strong reaciton in the wrong direcction, but having observed a few divorces growing up (and having come from a divorced household myself) I tend to have strong feelings on what it means to do your part in a marriage.

  25. #50
    Aligning her body & soul sierra_g's Avatar
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    Patience is definitely a virtue I have trouble with. I am not the best arguer either. Also, I am kinda selfish. I need to work on all of those aspects. She said that I have a week to figure out what I want. Until then, no panties, makeup, or anything else like that. I will see what happens through the week. At the end of the week, we both need to decide on whether we should stay together for now. I hope it works out for us, but if not, I have a place I can go.

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