Page 5 of 9 FirstFirst ... 34567 ... LastLast
Results 101 to 125 of 202

Thread: Wife's ultimatum

  1. #101
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    145
    Relationships can hit irreconcilable differences. If dialogue with your partner becomes one sided, or even impossible, it's your responsibility (to yourself and to the relationship) to ask yourself: am I better off staying in this relationship, or leaving?

    It's not always our fault when things go bad, but it is always our responsibility to try to make things better.

    Chris

  2. #102
    Aligning her body & soul sierra_g's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    S.E. Idaho
    Posts
    243
    As of a couple hours ago, my SO actually said the D word and asked that we sleep in separate beds. I am in a lot of shock, I begged that we go see a counselor before we split, so we are going to go see someone. We have the appointment scheduled. Until then, I guess I will just bide my time and try to save some $$ up, just in case. The question that broke her was if I was willing to deny this forever or not. I told her I couldn't guarantee forever because it keeps popping back up stronger than before, ever since I was young.

    She did talk to her mom, which was a bit of a help.

  3. #103
    GG ReineD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Samsara
    Posts
    21,377
    Sierra, unless you are planning on living full time, or you are into a deep pink fog where your leisure time centers around the CDing (in which case I can see why your wife would have a hard time dealing with it), my best guess is that she simply doesn't understand what this is all about. You need to clarify what the CDing means to you, what are your goals, how you see it affecting your relationship (how many times per week would you like to dress, and can the two of you come to a compromise about this), and then have a frank discussion with your wife asking her what it is exactly that she objects to. She may think she has lost her husband and you can reassure her on this point. If her answer is that men aren't supposed to wear dresses, then she really does need to learn there are men who are gender variant and who need to express femininity on occasion, but this doesn't mean they cannot have a great marriage, cannot be wonderful fathers, and cannot continue to be husbands to their wives.

    I'm not sure what your circumstances are, whether or not your wife has a religious or a moral objection or if there are trust issues due to the hiding, but are you sure the two of you have talked this out as much as you can?
    Reine

  4. #104
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Idaho
    Posts
    33
    Reine,
    Thank you for being a support for my SO. I have been very hesitant to reply because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I am afraid to cause anyone harm by my words, the old saying "sticks and stones" is one I no longer believe, I know words hurt.

    To answer a few of your questions, yes a small part of my problem is my personal religious and moral beliefs. However a much bigger part is the repeated feeling of being deceived and lied too. I can say tonight is the first time my SO has decided to be honest, to the point of telling me the truth whether or not it hurts me to hear it. Through our whole marriage and dating life his has been half honest with me, but only after discovering many truths my self and he felt forced to do so. I hate to think of the kinda of person I have become, I have compromised myself, time and time again in the hopes of being able to save our marriage. I feel that in some ways there is no more of myself left to compromise. Sierra has worried so much about my feelings that he has hidden part of himself and lied to try and save our marriage as well, however it seems that even with both of our efforts the wedge between us gets bigger and bigger.

    Today's breaking point comes again from feeling deceived. I had been looking for places to post my minimums so I could join FAB, while looking I ran across some other posts from my SO. I guess I should have known better than to let my curiosity get a hold on me. I found out that he has thought about HRT and said he would even consider an Orchiectomy. I guess in some ways I felt as if I had been sucker punched once again. While dealing with the idea my SO likes to CD, I am now confronted my the knowledge that it may not be enough for him that he may indeed want to become a girl full time. When asked previously he had told me he didn't think he could do those things that he indeed like being a man. Now that I have confronted him again about what he wants his future to look like, he says he is unsure. When I asked him why he couldn't tell me these things when I asked him, he didn't know that either.

    I LOVE my husband very much, and I am truly scared for him. I must be honest I am scared for myslef and my daughters as well. We have a counseling appointment next Wednesday. I continue to pray for healing to be brought to our marriage, for me to be able to trust him again, and for us to find a place of peace for both of us, I just worry that the only peace we may find may not be together and that thought terrifies me.

    I wish I could write more but fear with emotions running so high I may be rambling about things. I would love to talk more, I'm just o sure what to say except thank you again.

    ~Mrs. G

  5. #105
    GG ReineD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Samsara
    Posts
    21,377
    Hi Mrs. G, thank you so much for joining in and telling your side. It is terribly difficult to help someone (anyone), when we only hear one side of the story. Humans being what they are (myself included in my own divorce from my ex who is not a CDer), we tend to bias the telling in our favors. This is natural.

    First, I want to tell you that you are not rambling, you are not hurting anyone's feelings, you are instead being honest with how YOU feel and how YOU see things, which is exactly what you are supposed to be doing. You're not here to "be nice", you're here to try to save your marriage and the only way to do this is to put everything on the table, and I mean everything, so that the partners can then move on to the process of defining their issues (exactly), and trying to find a place in the middle where they can both breathe. A compromise.

    Second, the one most difficult, most wrenching issue in all of this are the lies, the omissions, and the half truths. I wish more husbands understood just how much harm that trust erosion causes a relationship. Yet these husbands fear telling the truth because they fear the consequences. They fear losing their wives. They fear hurting them. They think they can keep the CDing compartmentalized and under control. A part of them agrees with their wives and the rest of society that they "shouldn't" do this. They want to stop. They want to purge. And then they want to start all over again. Or, they don't know the whole truth themselves, they are still trying to figure it out. It gets pretty complex psychologically and emotionally, when you consider the nature of a birth male's repressed need to express femininity.

    I don't know your husband. I don't know where he fits along the gender spectrum. But I CAN tell you one thing that is true, without a shadow of a doubt. The allure of expressing femininity in a repressed transgender male is SO strong as to make him believe all sorts of things that when faced in real life, he would never do or go for. Trust me on this, I've read thousands upon thousands of threads from the CDers and their wives. There is a phenomena we call here, "the pink fog", where it seems as if fantasy and imagination become blurred with reality. This is true in the most general sense, even though I do not know your husband's particulars. I compare this to a pressure cooker that doesn't have a steam hole, and then you take the lid off. There's an explosion of steam (the pink fog), and you can imagine when you do this over and over again: build up the pressure without an escape, and then remove the lid. But, when if you keep the lid permanently off and the water is at a simmer, the steam that will rise from the liquid will be much steadier, much gentler.

    Sorry if this is cryptic but it's the best analogy I can think of right now.

    Anyway, do get your ten posts in and come join us in FAB, although you also can get a lot of great advice from the crossdressers on this site who are in long-term, stable relationships with their wives ... the crossdressers who have had the chance to explore the CDing and who know where they stand, what they want, and for whom it is no longer this mysterious, unexpressed need that is constantly on the verge of exploding. In short, the CDers who have discovered how to balance all of this in their lives.

    In the meantime I wish you well in your counseling appointment, and I do hope that the counselor has some familiarity with gender non-conforming males. If he or she doesn't, do try to find someone who does. Your healing process will go all that much quicker if you do. You need to be told the truth about this so that you can make appropriate decisions for yourselves and your family.

    Don't disappear on us, OK? There is much you need to learn, before you can in all good conscience make a final decision about the future of your marriage. And, after investigating this thoroughly, after you've learned as much of it as you can, you'll be in a much better position to decide.

    Reine

  6. #106
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    SoCal
    Posts
    12,387
    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs. G View Post
    ...However a much bigger part is the repeated feeling of being deceived and lied too. I can say tonight is the first time my SO has decided to be honest, to the point of telling me the truth whether or not it hurts me to hear it. Through our whole marriage and dating life his has been half honest with me, but only after discovering many truths my self and he felt forced to do so. I hate to think of the kinda of person I have become, I have compromised myself, time and time again in the hopes of being able to save our marriage. I feel that in some ways there is no more of myself left to compromise. Sierra has worried so much about my feelings that he has hidden part of himself and lied to try and save our marriage as well, however it seems that even with both of our efforts the wedge between us gets bigger and bigger.

    Today's breaking point comes again from feeling deceived. I had been looking for places to post my minimums so I could join FAB, while looking I ran across some other posts from my SO. I guess I should have known better than to let my curiosity get a hold on me. I found out that he has thought about HRT and said he would even consider an Orchiectomy. I guess in some ways I felt as if I had been sucker punched once again. While dealing with the idea my SO likes to CD, I am now confronted my the knowledge that it may not be enough for him that he may indeed want to become a girl full time.
    This is a tough thing for both of you. I'm not privy to your situation, but in my case I had get to the point where I would admit my feelings to myself before I could talk to my wife about them. During that time I did withhold information from her, an act which could be interpreted as deceptive. Now that state is behind us and our relationship is stronger than ever.

    Please keep in mind that we do tend to talk about things that we likely won't do. HRT and other procedures are very commonly discussed, but most of us will never take those steps.

    The best thing to do is to keep the lines of communication open. While it may not be easy to discuss some of these topics, it will become easier with time and practice. You may find that your best times lie ahead of you!

    Eryn
    Eryn
    "These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I! How about that!" [Kaylee, in Firefly] [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    "What do you care what other people think?" [Arlene Feynman, to her husband Richard]
    "She's taller than all the women in my family, combined!" [Howard, in The Big Bang Theory]
    "Tall, tall girl. The woman could hunt geese with a rake!" [Mary Cooper, in The Big Bang Theory]

  7. #107
    Senior Member Jacqueline Winona's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Northern California
    Posts
    1,051
    For what it's worth, I'm praying for both of you, and I respect your feelings, Mrs. G. I feel kind of lucky that I have no desire to do anything other than dress, and just occasionally at that. I just hope you both find common ground.

  8. #108
    ADMINISTRATOR Sandra's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    25,347
    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs. G View Post
    Reine,

    However a much bigger part is the repeated feeling of being deceived and lied too.
    A lot of GGs here can relate to this as many have gone through it. The only way for this to be made better is that from now on the truth is told, even if that means that you hear things that hurt you, it's better for you to hear them now than years later, also you have to be honest. Trust has to be built up again and this will take time it's not an overnight thing, and your SO has to realise that this is going to take a lot of time and by that I mean it could take months or even years.
    Sandra
    Administrator

    I always used to rib you about your legs can't anymore. R.I.P Sexy Legs

    R.I.P Rianna

  9. #109
    New Member Polly Sharp's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Yorkshire, UK
    Posts
    28
    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs. G View Post
    ...I wish I could write more...
    Hello Mrs G

    First of all a big round of applause for joining the forum and at least trying to take on board what you are faced with. I do hope the members here can help you in some way.

    A lot of what you need to do is under your own control. You can talk with Sierra and find out how she feels about her desires. I always refer to people in the gender they present to me, so Sierra is female in this context - to me anyway.

    Yes, gender reassignment and HRT are options, for some but not all. Many look at these routes to find out more, if it is what they want. The majority turn back before starting to contact their doctor or anyone else as it is not their ultimate aim.

    For me it was fantasy at one time, now it is a missed opportunity. I did not have the means to look into the possibilities when I was at an age where it may have been an option, who knows if I would have taken that route. Somehow, I doubt it. Once I knew what was involved, and bearing in mind the prejudices that are still around today, I don't think I would have.

    You are both afraid that this is something that is a major problem between you. It was for my wife when I first told her, and also when she realised just how deep a feeling it was within me. But, we love each other and wanted to stay together. We don't have children together, so that wasn't an issue, and we've managed to reach a point where she is not in the least bothered if I shave my legs or chest hair, if I wear panties all day - even to go out in. She would not blink an eye if I was wearing a skirt of dress when she comes home. She knows it is just a part of me, the person she fell in love with and married.

    I don't have any other woman in my life except 'Polly', and my wife is happy about that. Yes, there are times when I feel the need to dress fully, put on a wig and have make-up on, but that's not all the time. With me, and I've no doubt others, it is a release. It helps to take the stress out of life, without being a sexual thing.

    Right now I am in a strange state as my mother passed away at the weekend. I feel vulnerable, but I'm not looking for sympathy, more an understanding that this is a time where I feel that I need to be strong, but also that I need my inner peace through being my feminine self. It is calming to be dressed.

    Putting someone under stress is not going to help, this just puts a barrier up between you as Sierra may be feeling that they need that 'escape' from normal life even more.

    In a few years time you need to be able to look back upon this time and says to each other that you were both being silly in making such an issue of it.

    Polly in England.

  10. #110
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Posts
    428
    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs. G View Post
    Reine,
    Thank you for being a support for my SO. I have been very hesitant to reply because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I am afraid to cause anyone harm by my words, the old saying "sticks and stones" is one I no longer believe, I know words hurt.

    To answer a few of your questions, yes a small part of my problem is my personal religious and moral beliefs. However a much bigger part is the repeated feeling of being deceived and lied too. I can say tonight is the first time my SO has decided to be honest, to the point of telling me the truth whether or not it hurts me to hear it. Through our whole marriage and dating life his has been half honest with me, but only after discovering many truths my self and he felt forced to do so. I hate to think of the kinda of person I have become, I have compromised myself, time and time again in the hopes of being able to save our marriage. I feel that in some ways there is no more of myself left to compromise. Sierra has worried so much about my feelings that he has hidden part of himself and lied to try and save our marriage as well, however it seems that even with both of our efforts the wedge between us gets bigger and bigger.

    Today's breaking point comes again from feeling deceived. I had been looking for places to post my minimums so I could join FAB, while looking I ran across some other posts from my SO. I guess I should have known better than to let my curiosity get a hold on me. I found out that he has thought about HRT and said he would even consider an Orchiectomy. I guess in some ways I felt as if I had been sucker punched once again. While dealing with the idea my SO likes to CD, I am now confronted my the knowledge that it may not be enough for him that he may indeed want to become a girl full time. When asked previously he had told me he didn't think he could do those things that he indeed like being a man. Now that I have confronted him again about what he wants his future to look like, he says he is unsure. When I asked him why he couldn't tell me these things when I asked him, he didn't know that either.

    I LOVE my husband very much, and I am truly scared for him. I must be honest I am scared for myslef and my daughters as well. We have a counseling appointment next Wednesday. I continue to pray for healing to be brought to our marriage, for me to be able to trust him again, and for us to find a place of peace for both of us, I just worry that the only peace we may find may not be together and that thought terrifies me.

    I wish I could write more but fear with emotions running so high I may be rambling about things. I would love to talk more, I'm just o sure what to say except thank you again.

    ~Mrs. G
    hi glad u joined and even posted your side , im not taking either side , but i do want to ask some things and maybe u can think about them first,

    first off would your husband love u any less if u had to have a mastectimy for any reason. why do u call a some one who loves to dress up as a girl gay, plenty of actors dress and where makup r they homosexual. where do u go to escape when u need a break , there are alot of cders that cd to escape there lives for a little while. the more u read up on it the more info u know ,

    marriage is more that i want u to do this and if u dont then this will happen , i agree that u shouldnt be lied to and that truths are scary to come to relizations with , u know have u two even set boundryies cding is like a disease to some sort u cant fully get rid of it there may be a long drought but it eventually comes back , now being a christian myself , there are stuff in the bible that talks about many things with marriag and with eunichs and such and about forgiveness and how often
    be well read before u swing that sword , one verse or another out of contexts can be devistating when used the wrong way . before u even mention the d word u do your home work find out how others have delt with this and see if theres something that works for u , just cause feelings get hurt dont mean u should be using that word as a lever to get your way , heck u havent even had a good couseling (from what i have read)to hash it out to even come close to a compremise , yes i said compremise , theres kids involved plus what would outing him do to them at such impresionable ages, the one thing i really would like u to do first if u would , is take the time to sit down and watch the movie FIre pROOF together. it will get the ball rolling if u want it ill send it to u free of charge

  11. #111
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Idaho
    Posts
    33
    Quote Originally Posted by danielle.cd View Post
    first off would your husband love u any less if u had to have a mastectimy for any reason. why do u call a some one who loves to dress up as a girl gay, plenty of actors dress and where makup r they homosexual. where do u go to escape when u need a break , there are alot of cders that cd to escape there lives for a little while. the more u read up on it the more info u know ,
    Danielle,
    Thank you for your input, I would be glad to discuss with you the questions you asked. I believe that if It was medically necessary for me to have a mastectomy, my husband would indeed still love me. I do know however that we have discussed surgery just for the sake of surgery, such as say, I were to get a nose job, is something we agreed is money that could be better spent else where. The man I married didn't tell me he wanted to be a woman, he still isn't sure if it is what he wants now.

    I grew up a theater nerd I am well aware of dressing and putting a character on for a performance, no it doesn't make that person Gay, although I have had many a best friends that are. The worry about his being gay comes as a combination to his past, where he dabbled with the idea and experimented, combined with the CD/TG.

    Someplace to escape isn't something either of us really have as a luxury. I am trying to understand his need and desires, however I am also realistic to the fact I know there are certain things I can not accept in a marriage I am in. We are working to find out exactly what it is he want and how he is to decide if it is best for us to split ways while our children are young and we both have a chance to find love again. It wrenches every part of my being to think of us not being together. But its isn't fair to either of us to stay in the marriage only to turn around and end it when the kids have grown and he decides what he wants.

    We have actually had counseling before in the past, the town we live in is a very Mormon lead community, for the most part we don't even get to our core problems when they are trying to "SAVE" us and send him to a porn addicts class, that thinking will not help us.

    It is true there are many interpretations of the bible and its verses that people often manipulate to suit what they need at the time. After lots of prayer I don't believe that is our case. I have spent many countless nights in Prayer, and reading trying to find a compromise that will work for us. However I know where the line in the sand is for me, I am willing to let him have what he needs and compromise up to that point. The part of the problem is he doesn't know if he wants to cross that point or not.

    I am willing and wanting to do what I can to save our marriage I do not believe in divorce, but for me there is a point where, for my children and myself I have to draw a line. He at that point has to make a decision only he can make, is the compromise enough for me or not. I pains me that I cant help, or make that decision for him.

    We looked up the movie and are both interested in seeing it and have even discussed challenging ours selves to the love challenge.

    Thank you for taking in my part as well, I look forward to answering any more questions and chatting more.

  12. #112
    ADMINISTRATOR Sandra's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    25,347
    Quote Originally Posted by danielle.cd View Post

    first off would your husband love u any less if u had to have a mastectimy for any reason.
    Geezz what the the hell has that got to do with what Mrs G is going through? Having surgery like that and cding is so far apart I can't believe that you even brought it up.
    Sandra
    Administrator

    I always used to rib you about your legs can't anymore. R.I.P Sexy Legs

    R.I.P Rianna

  13. #113
    GG ReineD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Samsara
    Posts
    21,377
    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs. G View Post
    The part of the problem is he doesn't know if he wants to cross that point or not.
    That's the problem with pink fog. When they're caught up in it, they really don't know.

    My SO and I once spent an evening with a CDer who was having similar problems. This CDer was just coming out to his wife (aka the coming out of the second closet, see below), and he met us for dinner dressed. I think his wife was out of town. She knew, but she hated it. They were in the process of negotiating: He wanted to dress at least once per week, and she didn't want more than once per month. Anyway, he told us the same thing as your husband, that he wasn't able to "promise" his wife that he would never want to transition, since he couldn't tell the future.

    My SO and I discussed this when we were alone and we both came to the same conclusion: this CDer simply was at the "pressure cooker lid popping off" stage (my SO also went through a similar phase when he came out of his first closet, and likely when he came out of his third closet too, although I'm not sure). At any rate, the allure of having feminine experiences which some CDers mistake for "possibly" wanting to transition, is just that ... a very strong allure based on an idealized view of what it must be like to be a woman, that does die down once they do go out and do regular things out in the mainstream. But, they don't know this until they actually do go out and it becomes old hat.

    As to the coming out of closets for crossdressers, (it is different for TSs) I've observed several stages (generally speaking):

    • The first closet wall tumbles down when there is self-acceptance, when there is a realization the CDing will not go away so there is no use continuing with the purging cycles.
    • The second closet wall goes away when a CDer comes out to a spouse or a girlfriend.
    • The third closet wall disappears when a CDer begins to go out in the mainstream, yet still very much stays in the background and doesn't talk to anyone for fear of being read..
    • The fourth and final closet wall is demolished when a CDer gains enough confidence to actually talk to people and just be herself, such as ordering food, chit-chatting with SAs, etc, and realizing these people will not run away screaming when they notice the CDer is not a GG.


    My SO has torn down all his closets now and he knows he will not transition, although this wasn't always the case (see below). She goes out in the next town over once or twice per week and brings a laptop to do work at coffee shops, or has lunch, or we go out for dinner or a movie, or shopping. The rest of the time he's in guy mode. When he's very busy at work, sometimes there will be weeks of no dressing, and when he's on a break he might dress 2-3 times per week. My So passes and blends well (people who pass her by on the street do not notice that she is a genetic male), but they do know when they interact directly with her. There are very few CDers who can pass as GGs under close scrutiny. But this is OK since the vast majority of strangers really don't care and they do treat us with respect. We've been going out for 4-5 years now.


    At any rate, I've also observed that the pink fog (a euphoric feeling that can last days or weeks or maybe longer for some CDers), seems to hit pretty strongly each time a new closet wall is demolished. But then it does settles down. Generally speaking.

    This, I believe, is when a CDer might not be able to know whether he is TS or not. My SO also went through phases seriously questioning whether or not she might be TS. I dare say that many CDers go through this. The mistake is in divorcing during these phases, since eventually things will fall back in place again, and then there will be regret over having lost a relationship over it. I've seen this happen too.
    Reine

  14. #114
    Aligning her body & soul sierra_g's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    S.E. Idaho
    Posts
    243
    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    That's the problem with pink fog. When they're caught up in it, they really don't know.

    My SO and I once spent an evening with a CDer who was having similar problems. This CDer was just coming out to his wife (aka the coming out of the second closet, see below), and he met us for dinner dressed. I think his wife was out of town. She knew, but she hated it. They were in the process of negotiating: He wanted to dress at least once per week, and she didn't want more than once per month. Anyway, he told us the same thing as your husband, that he wasn't able to "promise" his wife that he would never want to transition, since he couldn't tell the future.

    My SO and I discussed this when we were alone and we both came to the same conclusion: this CDer simply was at the "pressure cooker lid popping off" stage (my SO also went through a similar phase when he came out of his first closet, and likely when he came out of his third closet too, although I'm not sure). At any rate, the allure of having feminine experiences which some CDers mistake for "possibly" wanting to transition, is just that ... a very strong allure based on an idealized view of what it must be like to be a woman, that does die down once they do go out and do regular things out in the mainstream. But, they don't know this until they actually do go out and it becomes old hat.

    As to the coming out of closets for crossdressers, (it is different for TSs) I've observed several stages (generally speaking):


    • The first closet wall tumbles down when there is self-acceptance, when there is a realization the CDing will not go away so there is no use continuing with the purging cycles.
    • The second closet wall goes away when a CDer comes out to a spouse or a girlfriend.
    • The third closet wall disappears when a CDer begins to go out in the mainstream, yet still very much stays in the background and doesn't talk to anyone for fear of being read..
    • The fourth and final closet wall is demolished when a CDer gains enough confidence to actually talk to people and just be herself, such as ordering food, chit-chatting with SAs, etc, and realizing these people will not run away screaming when they notice the CDer is not a GG.



    My SO has torn down all his closets now and he knows he will not transition, although this wasn't always the case (see below). She goes out in the next town over once or twice per week and brings a laptop to do work at coffee shops, or has lunch, or we go out for dinner or a movie, or shopping. The rest of the time he's in guy mode. When he's very busy at work, sometimes there will be weeks of no dressing, and when he's on a break he might dress 2-3 times per week. My So passes and blends well (people who pass her by on the street do not notice that she is a genetic male), but they do know when they interact directly with her. There are very few CDers who can pass as GGs under close scrutiny. But this is OK since the vast majority of strangers really don't care and they do treat us with respect. We've been going out for 4-5 years now.


    At any rate, I've also observed that the pink fog (a euphoric feeling that can last days or weeks or maybe longer for some CDers), seems to hit pretty strongly each time a new closet wall is demolished. But then it does settles down. Generally speaking.

    This, I believe, is when a CDer might not be able to know whether he is TS or not. My SO also went through phases seriously questioning whether or not she might be TS. I dare say that many CDers go through this. The mistake is in divorcing during these phases, since eventually things will fall back in place again, and then there will be regret over having lost a relationship over it. I've seen this happen too.
    These are dark and scary times for us. I am definitely at that 3rd wall and am my cooker is definitely boiling over. I know most of the people in my life will accept me for me, but I know that many will walk away. In public, I've seen how people treat CD's. Totally friendly to the face, but then the giggles and insults come out when they walk away. Fine by me, as long as they are friendly to my face.

    I am more excited than nervous now and any chance I get to be a bit more fem, I take it. It is kind of addicting. The further down the hole I go, I want more. This is def pink fog, which I wish would clear. I can't see in front of my face.

    As far as questioning it, I dare say that all CD's question this. I questioned it once before when I was younger. I was kinda dumb about it in my teens and heard that high doses of estrogen makes you transition, so I stole a months supply of my mom's birth control pills and took 2 a day till they were gone. I do know now that it wasn't enough to do anything, but again, I was kinda dumb.

    I believe that my SO and kids deserve better than me, but I do hope we can find some resolve. I would much rather temporarily seperate than divorce if it comes to it, but SO won't stay married if I don't live with her. With the CD, I've completely opened up to her -no hiding anything no matter what, so hopefully that will help. SO wants to sleep in seperate bedrooms for a while while I try CDing a bit. Since her "mom" is here, it makes it difficult to get dressed in the house, but we'll see how it all goes.

    Thank you everyone.

  15. #115
    Member Mackenzie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    St. Louis
    Posts
    379
    Sierra,
    Is cd-ing really worth losing your family?? No way... I would quit in a heartbeat. Maybe down the road she will be accepting. I assume you made a covenant promise to her, before God, to be with her until death parts you. You will never regret staying with your wife amd girls. Let ne know if you would like to talk privately. I have done nuch marital counselung, together with my precious wife of 33you years.

    Mackenzie

  16. #116
    Member Confetti's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Location
    East Coast
    Posts
    233
    Hello


    Closest friend is going through the same thing he is married 25 years and let her win.She threw away his things and took extra work so would not have energy to think about. She wore him down but, how is it fair? if love is unconditional and its just clothes why not seek a open group support.

    His comprimise seems impressive and impossible.We only have a short span on this earth, tormenting ones self for another is not equal.

    My dear friend can't see that her refusal to seek help or understand will not end well.


    Hugs...

  17. #117
    Aligning her body & soul sierra_g's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    S.E. Idaho
    Posts
    243
    Quote Originally Posted by Mackenzie View Post
    Sierra,
    Is cd-ing really worth losing your family?? No way... I would quit in a heartbeat. Maybe down the road she will be accepting. I assume you made a covenant promise to her, before God, to be with her until death parts you. You will never regret staying with your wife amd girls. Let ne know if you would like to talk privately. I have done nuch marital counselung, together with my precious wife of 33you years.

    Mackenzie
    I wish it was as simple as just "Is CD more important than my family?" My family would win. So much more is involved unfortunately.
    Is it a strong enough force to destroy our marriage of 4 years? Am I denying myself? Am I living unhappily until I can't take it any longer, then bursting and pink fogging till my eyes bleed in 10 years, 5 years, or even just 1 year? Am I able to control it?
    Believe me, I want to stay, but I also want what is best for them. If I am not it, then should I stay? Many times, my wife cries at night now. She is literally sick seeing me or even thinking about me dressed even a little bit. For the past month, she has actually attempted to distance herself to make the break easier if it happens. Is this how we should spend the rest of our lives? Would she ever get used to it, accept it, and possibly even participate without thinking ill thoughts of it? Would she ever stop worrying that I will one day tell her that I can't stand it any longer? Would she and my kids be better off with a man's man? These are my worries. This is what I am weighing.

  18. #118
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    N Boulder Colorado
    Posts
    558
    i have to admit im lucky. my wife found my first set of pics after i forgot to delete them from the pc while moving them around flicker and the older yahoo profiles. Needless to say she was a bit shocked. I'm not a big burly guy but she always considered me a bit rough and tumble considering I play hard in the mountains and on bikes. Lot of questions and frustration but finally met with some level of acceptance. We agreed I would never dress when she is home which is great cause I work at home and dshe goes in an office and never around the kids. she always knew I loved pantyhose but never saw me dressed. I need to do new pics though.....most importantly we talked thru it all and she somehow understood. Not all do by any means. The first wife certainly wasn't. My current wife knows its who I am and even she admitted if I purge, I'm just going to buy it all back again

  19. #119
    GG ReineD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Samsara
    Posts
    21,377
    Quote Originally Posted by sierra_g View Post
    I believe that my SO and kids deserve better than me, but I do hope we can find some resolve. I would much rather temporarily seperate than divorce
    Be very careful with this. Do not allow the pink fog or whatever else might be going on with you to convince you that it would be best to separate "temporarily" (thus giving you a chance to dress unfettered), and using the reason or excuse that your wife and kids are better off without you.

    A "temporary" separation in order to dress stands to damage your marriage so severely as to not be able to get your marriage back on track, ever. I don't blame your wife for feeling as if a separation would be the beginning of the end.

    You need to deal with the CDing face-to-face with your wife, talk until the cows come home, and reach a compromise that you can stick with. To Mrs. G, depending on where you're at with all of this, this would mean that you'll need to stretch a little as well, such as establishing times during the week where you will not resent Sierra for going out (since she cannot express herself at home), such as attending a CD support group or shopping in the next town over. If you both can come to a sort of compromise while you continue to talk and learn about this, Sierra the rest of the time you'll need to take yourself in hand and not obsess about the CDing, in other words, appreciate being a husband and father.
    Reine

  20. #120
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Idaho
    Posts
    33
    Thank you all again for your support in this situation. Its frustrating and hurtful to think that our family isn't enough to fulfill the void in Sierra's life. I have to remind myself that its not that we are not enough, its that he doesn't know who he is yet. Some how I blame myself that this is my fault, If I was thinner, if I was prettier, if I could some how love him more. This isn't something I caused, I didn't fail my marriage. We keep trying desperately to talk, and keep communicating, the more we talk the less I feel I know about my SO. I keep reminding myself this is probably "Pink Fog", but I worry constantly what if it isn't. What do we do? How and what do I tell our daughters. When they are grown and know the truth how do I keep them from hating me, or being angry with their father. Finding a path for us that will help Sierra feel fulfilled, and still be within the boundaries that we agree are best for our family.

    I am trying to understand and to be patient, to understand the "Pink Fog". However I am on a roller coaster of emotion, I just ask for continued support for both of us, and understanding from Sierra, I'm scared, terrified really. Thank you for all of your help and different opinions.

  21. #121
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    SoCal
    Posts
    12,387
    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs. G View Post
    ...I am trying to understand and to be patient, to understand the "Pink Fog". However I am on a roller coaster of emotion, I just ask for continued support for both of us, and understanding from Sierra, I'm scared, terrified really. Thank you for all of your help and different opinions.
    Well, after you develop your understanding of the Pink Fog, there are a lot of us CDers that would like to have it explained to us! I think that Reine has done her usual amazing job of getting into CDers minds in her post above. I read it and say "good heavens, that's right! Why didn't I realize that?"

    You certainly did not fail your marriage and your presence here shows that you likely won't. A marriage fails only when one partner gives up and cuts off communication. Avoid that and the two of you can work your way through just about anything.

    That "more I talk, the less I know" feeling is not a bad thing. It's a natural consequence of attaining a greater understanding of Sierra. As time goes on, you'll fill the gaps in your knowledge and many of the fears that you have will be assuaged.

    I'm in the same situation with my daughters. They don't know about Eryn because Mimi and I feel that the knowledge will make their lives more complicated. There is no need to burden them with the responsibility of keeping my secret. Eventually they will know, but by then they will be on their own and the knowledge will simply be an unimportant footnote in their life. I'm quite sure of that because both of them, like most intelligent young people, are quite tolerant of those whose lifestyles do not happen to match their own.

    Thank you so much for your support of Sierra and for being here with us. You're a special lady!

    Hugs, Eryn
    Eryn
    "These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I! How about that!" [Kaylee, in Firefly] [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    "What do you care what other people think?" [Arlene Feynman, to her husband Richard]
    "She's taller than all the women in my family, combined!" [Howard, in The Big Bang Theory]
    "Tall, tall girl. The woman could hunt geese with a rake!" [Mary Cooper, in The Big Bang Theory]

  22. #122
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Posts
    428
    write down what your needs are
    write down what his needs are
    what do u expect out of him and he u , that will clear alot of stuff up and u will be comunicating in a better way , this isnt just about cding
    i work second shift so my wife and kids are asleep when i get home , wala time for me to dress for a few hours and she the kids dont have to be around it , may not always work for most people but thats our compremise ,
    my wife didnt understand either when i told her i was giving it up and i care more about her than the cding then a few month later more stuff came backin the house , well then i had to go indepth about how many time i have tried to quit and then the urge hits again even stronger , and yes sometimes so strong that u think that u want to become a women. my wifes deal was if ur gana be spending our money on that stuff again and again and again then i would much rather u keep your stuff and ocasionally when its ok with her buy a new shirt or shoes on the cheep . i tried to give it up one time after we talked about this , and she was smart enought to hide the stuff that i had thrown away , about 300 or so dollars worth , for a couple of weeks and then bam it hit me again and i almost cried cause she new that i couldnt just give it up like that . so stuff like that is what u need to be willing to at least think about if u r gana make your marrage work
    set rules for yourselfs that both of u can live with and dont just agree with them just because u want to get through a tuff time , cause then u just break your own rules and it all starts over
    dont do the what ifs cause thats just playing games with your own emossions , further more u cant tell someone how to feel thats a person to person so if eventually they are angry then thats there feelings not yours ( learned that in marraige encounters) as long as your getting what u need and he gets what he needs out of it the focus really should turn to the kids at that point an what do they need school comes up really quickly and they need to be ready , hope that help u get started (ps whach that movie as soon as u can if u havent already it may help with your emotions and feelings)

  23. #123
    GG ReineD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Samsara
    Posts
    21,377
    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs. G View Post
    Its frustrating and hurtful to think that our family isn't enough to fulfill the void in Sierra's life. I have to remind myself that its not that we are not enough, its that he doesn't know who he is yet. Some how I blame myself that this is my fault, If I was thinner, if I was prettier, if I could some how love him more.
    It's not a question of filling a void in your husband's life, like over eating or drinking too much. It's a matter of having your husband express who he fundamentally is, a man whose gender identity is not like other men's.

    This does not mean that your husband's gender identity is fully female either. Gender is a spectrum, not either/or male/female. Although the medical and psychiatric communities still do not know exactly why some people's gender identities are not fully or partially congruent with their birth sex, there is increasing evidence it is hard-wired, they were born this way. Men in our society are severely socialized to not be feminine (it's horrible for young boys to be called pansies, gay, or wusses by their peers), and so there is a great deal of repression of any feminine tendencies or characteristics. For most CDers, the need to express femininity begins at around puberty and it is highly sexual for them during the teenage years and early adulthood. During these years most CDers do not inherently feel "feminine", they just get off on wearing women's clothing. As they age, the sexual focus wears off and then begins the stages I've mentioned above, where there is a need to express femininity in other ways. Again, this does not mean they will transition. Only a very few transgenders are transsexual (the birth males who do feel from an early age they are in fact women born in the wrong bodies). Also, the majority of crossdressers are heterosexual. Some of them become so "enticed" by the prospect of feeling feminine they do fantasize being with men, but for the most part if they do try this, they realize it is not the men they are attracted to and they instead were seeking experiences to enhance their feelings of femininity. I'm speaking of the hetero CDers here ... obviously gay and bi CDers will not feel the same way.

    The ideal situation for a heterosexual crossdresser would be to have an accepting wife who is willing to um ... see and embrace all aspects of her husband in the bedroom. But, this is daunting for many wives who are hetero, and so it can take years to get there, if ever. We always tell our FABs to not push themselves, to not do anything they feel uncomfortable with, else this will just make matters worse. But at the same time, to try to keep an open mind.

    If you do decide to have a go at supporting your husband's CDing, please know that it will take some years for you to reach a point where you'll look back and say, "well, this wasn't as big a deal as I thought". So don't get discouraged and just talk, and talk, and talk some more, see if you can stretch a little in terms of not getting angry with your husband when he needs to dress (as long as it doesn't become an obsession). But other than this, do go at your own pace and always be honest with him about how you feel.

    To Sierra, you'll need to respect how your wife feels and remember that it took YOU years before you could accept this in yourself. Your wife will also need time.

    Reine

  24. #124
    Aspiring Member Silentpartner GG SO's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    967
    I believe that my SO and kids deserve better than me, but I do hope we can find some resolve. I would much rather temporarily seperate than divorce if it comes to it, but SO won't stay married if I don't live with her. With the CD, I've completely opened up to her -no hiding anything no matter what, so hopefully that will help. SO wants to sleep in seperate bedrooms for a while while I try CDing a bit. Since her "mom" is here, it makes it difficult to get dressed in the house, but we'll see how it all goes.
    Sierra I am no expert but this statement sounds very much like someone who is definately in "pink fog"

    with all the emotional turmoil that is happening to your wife, and the possibility of divorce, I am a little amazed that you are "trying CD'ing for a little bit" - I think that moving into seperate rooms is the start of a slippery slope to seperation and eventually divorce. It will be all too easy for you to just "do what you want" in terms of CD'ing and for your wife to pretend its just not happening. I cant imagine that scenario is going to benefit any of you, and pretty soon your children are going to wonder why mom and dad are not sleeping in the same bed/room.

    Originally Posted by Mrs. G

    Its frustrating and hurtful to think that our family isn't enough to fulfill the void in Sierra's life. I have to remind myself that its not that we are not enough, its that he doesn't know who he is yet. Some how I blame myself that this is my fault, If I was thinner, if I was prettier, if I could some how love him more.
    Mrs G - I could have written this statement myself a few times - but its really not about how pretty or not you are - if you were an absolute goddess it wouldnt make any difference because the fault does not lie in you, there is nothing wrong with you.

    Believe me, I am pretty accepting of my husband's CD'ing most of the time but there are boundaries which I will not accept him crossing - such as shaving body hair and no way can CD'ing ever come into our bedroom,. These things I am pretty rigid on, but even being accepting as I am, there are times when I sam alone in the house and maybe not having such a good day and I start thinking "what if..." and then the gloom sets in. You are a human being, a woman, with real feelings and emotions which you cannot turn off - and your feelings are not exclusive - there cant be many SO's that havent felt the way you do from time to time.
    Come into the FAB section as soon as you can and then you can read about my story and others like us, and you will see how far some of us have come from when we first found out.

    Its obvious from your willingness to join this forum and from your posts that you love yoiur husband and care deeply for his wellbeing - I sincerely hope that you can both find a compromise that suits both of your needs but this is not going to come without lots of talking, crying, laughing and compromise on both parts.

    I'm sorry Sierra but your wife moving into another room so you can try CD'ing doesnt sound much of a compromise on your part - it just sounds like you getting
    your own way and your wife getting the nasty end of the stick. She has already come a long way from when you originally posted but I dont really see much movement from you? maybe I'm just not understanding you right but this is never going to work if you bury your head in the sand and just hope it will sort itself out because it wont

  25. #125
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    6,335
    Quote Originally Posted by Mrs. G View Post
    Thank you all again for your support in this situation. Its frustrating and hurtful to think that our family isn't enough to fulfill the void in Sierra's life.
    Mrs G, this may seem strange but you and your kids have nothing to do with his crossdressing. he'd be crossdressing if he were single,a millionaire, retired, whatever. From the insiders view, there is no" void" at all. It's just a part of us. For me, it has always been there. I firmly believe it is genetic, like being gay. You did nothing to "cause" it or bring it out. It's just not about you. YOU are fine. The only fault I see is that your husband has not been turthfull, even after some discoveries of yours. THAT has to be addressed. It is important that you set boundaries for him that you can accept. Frankly, you husband should have no say in what you can accept. The only thing you can't demand is that he "stop" because that is just not possible. I highly recommend talking frequently. Make notes if needed so that your discussion doesn't simply get over emotional. But talk, that's the only solution to your comfort. Good luck.

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  


Check out these other hot web properties:
Catholic Personals | Jewish Personals | Millionaire Personals | Unsigned Artists | Crossdressing Relationship
BBW Personals | Latino Personals | Black Personals | Crossdresser Chat | Crossdressing QA
Biker Personals | CD Relationship | Crossdressing Dating | FTM Relationship | Dating | TG Relationship


The crossdressing community is one that needs to stick together and continue to be there for each other for whatever one needs.
We are always trying to improve the forum to better serve the crossdresser in all of us.

Browse Crossdressers By State