No need to apologize here! It's Mrs. G I was thinking about.Originally Posted by sierra_g
Point taken. Sorry.
No need to apologize here! It's Mrs. G I was thinking about.Point taken. Sorry.
Reine
I'm a little late on my two cents worth, but here it is. I agree with ReineD that we can get very confused about what we ultimately want. I've been CDing most of my thirty years of marriage with my wife knowing. I was busy working and raising kids so I didn't dress that much but it was always on the back of my mind. When I retired I started to dress every chance I got. I started to feel more feminine even when I wasn't en femme. I found this site and started therapy with my wifes support. I started to feel like I was running toward being more and more feminine and my wife who has always been supportive of my Cding at home started to get scared. We have had at lot of teared filled talks, but we do talk. I realized that I got all caught in my self acceptance and and for the first time not being ashamed of my self, and this is just me. And I know this is just me but I don't who just me is yet. I have realized that I need to slow down not just for my wife but also for me. I realize that this a journey to find my self not a race. I'm going to a gender therapist, and when my wife and I are ready we will go together to my therapist or another gender therapist as a couple. All I can suggest is that you don't give up, time is what is needed and lots of talking. My best wishes to the both of you Janelle
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" Anais Nin.
Live, Laugh, and Love Yourself!
You are absolutely right, I could be hit by a car, the Yellowstone Super Volcano could blow and kill us all, Mrs G could've left me for a circus performer, or any number of things. Nobody knows. I wasn't getting at a broad term "you never know" as much as a more pointed "I don't know where the road ends until I walk a bit further." I have no idea. I am horrible at making decisions about little things like what to wear and where to get lunch. Making decisions that I have to live with for the rest of my life, especially without 100% of the information, is incredibly difficult for me. I am wrong a lot, and would hate to be 10 years into it and realize that I made the wrong decision. Then I have regret and am unhappy and depressed. Not good.
This is part of the reason I am happy I am going to be able to see a gender therapist/marriage counselor. We need to get this figured out no matter the circumstances. I am out of ideas and I think Mrs G is too. We've gotten quite a few good ideas from all of you, and the more ideas (good or bad) the better.
Only time will tell.
Remember, Sierra, that you aren't a passenger on this journey. You and your wife share the controls and chose the destination. In other words, you make choices and take actions. That freedom comes with responsibility to those who depend upon you.
Yeah.
Time with the therapist, time in dress, time talking, etc. That time.
Hooray for the 10th post. I have been having a few particularly hard days the last few days and therefore have not been so active, please pardon the fact that this post is 99% me making a tenth post so I can join the Fab forum and be able to PM a couple of you. Thanks
Message to all who have been helping us. Thank you.
My wife just called me on something (thank you!) that I was not aware of and I feel horrible and rather embarrassed by it. She said that she thinks I am coming across as a Caddy B. I am underhanded, and I am not nice in my replies.
I would like to definitely apologize to you all from the bottom of my heart. I am sorry.
When I reply, I write, read, edit, reread, etc. until I have a message that gets my point across and in my head sounds friendly. Apparently it isn't.
She also thinks I am trying to gain popularity at the expense of others. I am not attempting that either, at least not consciously.
Reine, Kim, Danielle, Polly, Mandy, Babeba, Jennifer, Janice, Sandra, my wife, and anyone and everyone else that has been helping me, please don't take offense to how I am coming across. I am not meaning to be caddy, or a B. If I upset you, please call me on it, PM me or something. Whatever. rub my nose in my mistakes so I learn (horrible visual, eww!).
Thank you to all of you. ♥
Hiya Sierra and Miss G.
I have been following this thread along and first off I want to commend both you and Miss G for embarking on this massive challenge to figure things out. I don't read every post on here but for me, this is the first one I have seen both the husband and wife working together on here. I am sure there have been lots more.
I personally don't feel you have come across as caddy or a 'B'. Sure some examples of the Pink Fog but overall I have found your posts to be truthful and forthcoming as they can be. I say can be because you are in an unknown situation and your emotions just as Miss G's are all over the place. There isn't much I can offer in terms of advice as Reine has covered most of it already, she is a wealth of information and has been the most direct and concise. Before I say anything else, please allow me to state that I cannot know what it feels like to be going through what you are in terms of dealing with this with a significant other since I have never had to deal with my own CD'ing in that fashion. What I can offer as far as experience is my own CD'ing.
This is a very scary time for both of you, obviously! For Miss G because this is all new to her, your kids, will she lose her husband, and so forth. For you, besides the effect this has on your family, it's really scary because you are trying to figure out who you are and what CD'ing means to you. For any human being, I believe the hardest thing anyone of us can do is to look within ourselves. Most people avoid this because they don't like what they see thus they avoid it and continue through life based on their belief system which has been built off all their past experiences and for the most part, the experiences people pull from within their belief system are the bad ones. As hard as this is for the both of you, you are both taking on as I said before, possibly the hardest challenge anyone can take. Always remember that the hardest challenges yield the greatest rewards, even if those rewards are not apparent right away.
For me, CD'ing has become mostly an after thought now. I took on the challenge of figuring it out a couple years ago and after some time, I came to a place of peace as to what it is to me, why I did it, and where it started. Nowadays it's evolved into a hobby that takes place maybe a few times a year at most when I'm bored and purely from an artistic point of view as being an artist myself, I find watching the transformation in the mirror fascinating.
Please, the both of you, feel free to PM me, I am more the happy to share with you my history and what I have learned with this. Who knows, maybe something in my story will spark something for you. Even though I have a CD history, I am rather neutral on the subject as I have a different view of all things most don't.
I appreciate the kind words. It has definitely been a rollercoaster. What amazes me is that while it has been in our lives a little bit here and there for the past few years, it has really flared up over the past month. I cannot believe how it has effected us. I cannot imagine doing this fight for 5 or 10 years like some do. If it is that way, then so be it. It just seems like a tough road to go down. Hopefully seeing the therapist will get us headed in the right direction. This site has hurt about as much as it has helped, but at least the truth is getting out there. That is a plus, no matter what.
That's why we are here, to help each other.
Not that I've been aware of. Everyone has their own way of writing and discussing things. If that is how you 'speak' here then that's just you. I don't want to say it's unfair of your wife to say that, it's her opinion and she's entitled to it. It does not mean that everyone will agree with her opinion.
Although you both have issues to discuss, it's not the end of the world. At least you are talking to each other, and trying to get answers to questions. They may not be the answers that you wanted or expected, but that is because so many people, all good intentioned, will have their own ideas of how to answer.
No one can live well and fight about something for 5 or 10 years. The trick is to reach a compromise, and this means that both of you will need to give a little. Sierra, while I appreciate that it has escalated for you big time in the past month, it sounds as if you're saying that unless your wife comes on board with you 100% you're outa there? Is this what "so be it" means? It might well take take your wife longer than you hope, before she catches up to you. You've known or have felt tendencies for years now, and this is all pretty much new to her.
Sorry if I'm misreading your "so be it", if so I apologize. But a relationship between a CDer and a GG who has difficulty with the CDing can only survive if they both are patient with each other while they both stretch. She stretches to try to understand her husband's needs, and he stretches by slowing things down until she has caught up.
Reine
Actually quite the opposite. I am saying that if it is 5 or 10 years of fighting, then that is what we will do. We will weather the storm the best we can until one of us buckles. Hopefully that won't happen.
Yesterday, she told me that Sierra mode is turned on 100% and my guy mode is gone. I attempted guy mode last night with our friends over, but once the Tequila came out, it was over. It was just in the words I used and my mannerisms. No voice or appearance changes. We had a long talk before I fell asleep and we cried a lot and I talked a lot without barriers. Tequila does that. I don't remember exactly what was said, but it was my overall true feelings so nothing too horrible should come of it.
Sorry for misunderstanding. I'm glad I checked though, since you wife reads this thread.
Reine
Sorry for such a delayed response to our thread, I needed a couple of days to clear my head and talk with my SO. Wednesday we have our first therapy session. In the past few days we have had quite a few long, very difficult talks. I think we both hoped to have been able to find a middle ground by now. The tension between us gets stronger and stronger. We have both been walking on eggshells. I am trying to be comfortable and supportive of finding some time for Sierra to be able to dress. This is particularly hard and uncomfortable for me but I know he needs to be able to have some expression of himself. I still am not ready for it to be to frequent yet but I am trying to work on it. He has begun shaving his chest and stomach, and would love to shave more but knows I am uncomfortable with such. It is a constant reminder already to feel the stubble on his chest. I have been looking to post in other areas to be able to complete my 10 required posts to join FAB. I am afraid however that my SO and I's situation makes me a little Jaded in answering any other thread. Thank you all for your concern and continued support of both of us.
Last edited by Mrs. G; 05-14-2012 at 08:17 PM. Reason: spelling
It's OK, you're allowed to have your feelings. Post away!
Reine
Well it doesnt sound to me as though Sierra is doing much stretching - shaving chest and stomach is not what I'd call "slowing things done" - many wives and SO's find the shaving bit very hard to take - even the accepting ones. It's just too much of a 24/7 reminder of the CD'ing. It may not seem such a big deal with the guy but it can be a very big deal to the wife.
Mrs G - dont feel you have to hold back on how you feel - this is what this site is all about, having somewhere where you can air your feelings and not worry about what people think - all the GG's here have been through this in one way or another - we empathise with you. I really hope you can find your way into the FAB forum -
I'm sorry but what I have read on here brings me to the conclusion that Sierra is still doing just what he wants, all this going on between you both and he goes and shaves his chest and stomach.
Sierra you would like your wife to be more comfortable and accepting yet you seem to be doing nothing to help her, all you seem to be doing is things to suit yourself. Everyone has the choice to do what they want with their body, but shaving when things are so up in the air to me is just plain selfish.
Mrs G...don't hold back find a thread maybe in Loved Ones and post in that.
Last edited by Sandra; 05-15-2012 at 02:33 PM.
Sandra
Administrator
I always used to rib you about your legs can't anymore. R.I.P Sexy Legs
R.I.P Rianna
Mrs G shaved me before I ever found the forum and I kept it up. It hadn't really been brought up again until 2 nights ago. She asked me to grow it back and I told her I would rather not. I felt that backsliding is not the way to go.I'm sorry but what I have read on here brings me to the conclusion that Sierra is still doing just what he wants, all this going on between you both and he goes and shaves his chest and stomach.
Sierra you would like your wife to be more comfortable and accepting yet you seem to be doing nothing to help her, all you seem to be doing is things to suit yourself. Everyone has the choice to do what they want with their body, but shaving when things are so up in their to me is just plain selfish.
Mrs G...don't hold back find a thread maybe in Loved Ones and post in that.
I totally understand that I shouldn't push more than she can take, but if that is zero then do I give it up and just pretend it doesn't exist for the rest of our lives? How does that solve anything?
I would love to help my wife be more comfortable and accepting, but the once that she did let me dress, she said that it repulsed her. Her morals, and her faith are against it. If I attempt to shift her morals or rock her faith, isn't that worse? I don't want to hurt her more than I already have, yet no matter what I do, I manage to do just that. I pray we find a middle ground. Tomorrow is the first day of therapy, so maybe the therapist will have some ideas as well, but as always - no matter how harsh, I do appreciate your input.
This might sound harsh. But from reading all the posts including ones from your wife, I sense she is trying. Count yourself lucky in that. Now she wants you to grow your hair back. Why not try as hard as she is? Give her this little comfort. It could very well be a request from her just to see how much you will bend to find a middle ground. You can't change her morals or her faith. Only she can do that if she finds a need or reason to do so. So it's smart not to try. She can't change your transgendered status and it would be foolish for her to try too. So there has to be a compromise somewhere between you. A small concession if not shaving for her is a small price to pay. Later, she may give in on that boundary. That is IF she can come to terms with living with you as a CD. So give in! Show her you care as much about her as she cares about you and the marriage. I think it would go a long way to show her you are still her man. Really sorry if it sounds harsh, but I think you are being a little selfish over a small concession as you try to work through this.
I wrote the above before seeing Sandra's post. Point is, we both see it the same way. So man up, and do something that shows you care about your wife's wishes.
Last edited by BRANDYJ; 05-15-2012 at 11:18 AM. Reason: added a note
Sierra, I have just been through what is probably the hardest thing I will ever face in my life. I lost my son and I so needed my "husband" to comfort and console me. He did his utmost best to be the "man" I needed him to be and continues to do so as the wound of my sons death is still fresh. I can honestly say that from your posts, God forbid something happen in your lives that your wife needs her "man" I don't think you are capable of putting your selfish side away, if only for a few weeks to be there for her. My heart goes out to her and you should thank your lucky stars and God himself for her being as supportive as she can be. I'm sorry if my reply is harsh but it's just my opinion based on your posts. I find you utterly selfish and self absorbed in your own wishes, wants, needs and desires. You have put your wife on the back burner so to speak and your lucky she hasn't left yet......All the best to you, your going to need it.
♥'s
Cath
I am truly sorry for your loss. I don't even want to think about that ever happening in our family.
Maybe I am being selfish, I hear that a lot lately. I don't know what to do or where to go on this. I am purely acting from my own mind, which isn't always put together very well. Lately I am so confused that I am apparently not making the correct decisions. If growing chest hair is what will make her feel better, I will grow chest hair I guess. If I need to stop everything and attempt to pretend that none of this happened, I will try. I don't want to lose my wife but I don't want to live a lie anymore either.
We talked again last night and I believe that Sierra's problem with letting the hair grow back is that not only is it "backsliding" like he said, but I also feel like he has come to the conclusion that he isn't just a CD'er. He has mention that he relates more to the TG's on the forum and in the different threads. He has related to me that he is nervous that the therapist will diagnose him with having a *Gender Disorder. Sorry I don't know if this is the correct term or not. At this point I asked if that was what he actually wanted, it sounds to me as if it is. He said he didn't know but that he was afraid of it because he relates better to the TG's. I asked what we would do if she did give him that diagnoses. He said he would continue to see her, but he thought he might like to do HRT. I asked him to explain what HRT was. I have been to upset to do much research on this aspect of things. After he explain what it was he said he wanted to continue to see the therapist because he didn't want to do something he would later regret and that she would help him to make the decision as to if she thought he was a good candidate. I was angry and felt betrayed. She is a professional and I understand that but like I told him, there are no guarantees that if he does or does not do HRT that there will not be regret. Nobody ever gets that luxury, you make a decision and hope that it is the right one. The biggest betrayal is that while yes she is a professional and her opinion will help him determine if he is a candidate or not. I feel like that is a decision that should be made by my SO and that I should be the one he considers and our Daughters should be considered as well. I feel like we are all just spectators at the Sierra show.
I decided we needed to talk I couldn't just sit there stewing and keeping quite, I understand that he is confused but I feel like maybe he has his decisions and is just scared to own them. When I asked what he would tell the girls if decided that HRT is what he wanted, he simply stated that they would accept him because they are young. I understand that this is true but living in the community we live in it WILL affect there lives.
Maybe I am wrong to fell this way, I know he wants me to be supportive, but I don't know how. I was afraid to post any of this out side of the FAB threads. I know you all care for us and are trying to help where you can. I also thought that at least if posted here I can get the input of TG's, I couldn't get in FAB.
Sorry for the rant and rambling.
Mrs.G, Please don't feel the need to apologize for what you call a rant and rambling. You are doing a very good job of expressing your feelings. My heart goes out to you. I know none of this is easy. All I can suggest is do what's best for you and your little girls. I for one do not agree that Sierra's decision, if it comes to that, will not adversely effect the girls. I can understand you feeling like a spectator in a side show. I sincerely hope this is all a bad case of PINK FOG and a foolish selfish fantasy that Sierra is going through. My concern is not for Sierra, although he clearly needs help, it's for you and your children. I wish you the best.
I find the later can be the catalyst to all sorts of pent up frustrations being aired.
It's a bit like being chewed out over a glass being left on the bench...
The ladies here and gg's are really clued up and I'm sure as they've done so far will offer you some grade A+ advice.
Personally, while I didn't push the envelope hard, it took my SO ages to even feel kinda ok with my CDing. Even today almost 7 years later, she still has her moments.
Communication is the key here. If you can be sympathetic to your wife's needs and then both work on a fair comprimise, maybe thing will work out fine.
~ it's not how the world sees you but how you see yourself that counts ~
free professional make-up tips and self help videos | free professional hair styling videos and tips
Sierra, do you know how totally selfish and thoughtless that sentence is "She asked me to grow it back and I told her I would rather not. I felt that backsliding is not the way to go."
Your wife is going through hell at the moment, she's reaching out to you with a small request, to grow back your chest hair and you say that?. Are you actually prepared to give any ground at all or has it all got to be your way? Considering your wife's obvious moral and religious beliefs I think you are damn lucky she is still with you!
I think Brandy is being way too kind saying you are being a little selfish. Reading back over this whole thread, I cant see one example of where you have made any concession to your wife - plenty of examples of your wife making concessions to you but its all a one way street isnt it?
Nobody has asked you to stop everything and pretend its not there, but a degree of give and take is required - and that doesnt mean all give on Mrs G's side and all take on yours.
Mrs G, I could cry reading your post, I cant imagine how you must feel wondering if Sierra is now going to try HRT and all that which goes with it. She sounds to me like a rollercoaster totally out of control, totally engulfed in a full on attack of pink fog. You have very right to wonder where it will all go. Sierra needs to man up to the responsibilities he took on when he married and had children and stop acting like a spoilt brat who cant have all the sweeties in the jar.
Posting Permissions
