To my friends

[miche_miche]

It's a sad morning. Purged again. All those pretty things. All gone.

I chose them so carefully. Picked to flatter a 5'9" girl with no boobs. I looked good. You should have seen me! But you didn't. That's just the point. Nobody did.

Why am I writing? To tell all of you how much I love you and admire you. And I hope you still love me too. Don't be angry.

The last time I purged was 1995. I stayed away eight years. March '03, I was back. I bought three pairs of panties at Target. So wonderful.

I accomplished so much this time. I shaved my legs. I shaved my underarms. I learned to used makeup. Badly, I think. But who can say? No one saw.

I could not come out. I tried. Three years ago I was in San Francisco. I found a place that does makeovers and nights out. Maybe some of you know it. I just couldn't make the call for an appointment. Just couldn't do it.

I couldn't come out and I can't hide any more.

It's my birthday today. My boy-birthday. My real birthday I count from the first time I dressed. It was in January. I was eight years old.

I know better than to say never again. That's not how it works for us. I am still a girl, my sweet lovely friends. Nothing can change that. Love me, too, and try not to judge, even today.

As always I remain,
Sincerely yours,

miche-miche

[Deanna Jeanine]

My Dear Miche,

I feel your pain and share in it. I too purged within the last year. I thought I could "kill" Dee or let her commit suicide. But Dee will not "die" as long as I am alive. I realize now that these purges aren't my problem alone, but one that many of us share. Your sisters here understand. Many of us have done likewise. And we love you.

I too am constantly torn. If I come out I will automaticaly loose my career, and most probably my spouse. I am unready and unwilling to lose all of that. So I continue to keep Dee in the "closet" of my life. 99% of my dressing is in my mind now, but I still long for the feeling of nylon stockings on my legs, satin panties, high heels, eyeshadow, blush, lipstick, and my favorite color (auburn) wig. When I look into the mirror, I want to see Dee looking back at me. Perhaps someday I will. For a myriad of reasons, that can't be now.

Hang in there sweetheart, and never give up. I truly believe in the old axiom- "Anything worth having is worth waiting for". And Baby, we are worth waiting for.

Kisses,
Dee

[suzy1]

If anybody judges you for any of this then I have for one have no time for them.

I don’t go out ether, So what?
A member purges because they feel guilty about it I suppose, but why?
The majority of C.D. girls don’t go out so why feel so bad. Just accept the real you, stop feeling guilty, and enjoy this wonderful side of our lives.

SUZY

[jennifer easton]

Miche and Dee, I read this with tears in my eyes and such an ace in my heart, I understand, 7 years ago I to felt as you do and I have done the deed ( purged) like you both, never thinking anyone that I knew could know or that they would understand the way I felt, I hadn't planed on letting Jennifer out, but an accident tripped me up,( thats along story), but I found that I wasn't the scourge of humanity or a low life pervert, we are only expressing what is a berth defect, we are born this way, we deserve the right to be who we are!I so hope that the two of you will some day find peace with in you and you both can enjoy the female side of your life xoxoxo Jenni

[Tina B.]

Miche, how can anyone think ill of you. I see nothing wrong with what you did, but I do feel your pain that made you feel this was the answer. Most of us where raised to think what we are doing is something to be ashamed of, from the first time I put on anything female, I knew it was wrong, even at that young age, I knew it was not something I was ever going out there and show dad,
Some of us have learned that it's not the sin or perverted behavior, we where told, now the medical profession seems to think it's no big deal, but for some of us, it will always be a big deal, because it's so hard to outgrow our up bringing.
So, don't beat yourself up, but next time, just pack it all away, you know it's coming back sooner or later, it has before. Forgive yourself for this strange little hobby, stay with us, and by the time your ready to go again, maybe we will convince you, you are not a bad person, and what you wear does not make you one. I hope you find peace, about these issues, I know some never do, but for the rest of us, we have found the bright side of it, and have learned to enjoy, and look forward to the desire to come on us.
Tina B.

[STACY B]

Oh well no one on here can say with a strait face they havent done it . So just get some new pantyhose on an a little mascara an get in the ol car an go SHOPPING !! Just sounds like a DAM GOOD EXCUSE to go shopping to me ,, Waitttttt a minute ,,Ill get my purse .

[Foxglove]

Hi, Miche Miche! Nobody will judge you for what you've done. I've done it myself, more than once.

We need to accept ourselves. That's one I've always had trouble with, one I'm still working on. Who says that CDing is wrong, shameful, etc.? The majority? And has the majority made a paradise of this planet of ours? So who are they to talk? Let them get their house in order first.

CDing isn't wrong. It just is. And it is beautiful. Let us accept it, even if the misled majority won't. And you don't have to go out or come out to enjoy your clothing and yourself. It can be done for you alone.

We sound like sisters, Miche Miche. I can relate to everything you said in your post. Hang in there. I believe we can only be happy if we try to be ourselves.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[TxCassie]

Miche-Miche,

Don't worry dear, I can only speak for myself, but I think many of us here know exactly what place you're in right now. I've purged many times. I am currently on an upswing with Cassie. I'm purchasing new items, bought my first breast forms, and hopefully, in the next couple of months, will purchase my first wig and have my first professional makeover. When, not if, when, I do go for my wig and makeover, it will the first time I will be dressed out of my apartment and the first time anyone will see me en femme.

I never thought I'd get to this point as in the past, I'd purchase some clothing, and within six months, I'd purge. Sometimes, a year would pass, but for some reason, when it was time, the desire to dress came back, and the possibility that it was possible to dress and feel wonderfully blissful was stronger each time. So, don't worry, your desire to dress probably will return, if it has left. Don't think badly of this pathos as an affliction, something you can't shake. Rather, think of it as you are taking needed action to ease your mental and emotional health. Each time you begin to dress, you probably will accept it a bit more, dress longer, and be happier. It's a journey, a growth of personality, a self-awareness.

It's no surprise that it's your birthday and you're purging. I often purged at noticeable marks in my life. Birthdays, a special anniversary, new years, Christmas, etc.. These marked dates often are points where we make major decisions of our lives, how to be better, to lose weight, to be more financially secure or disciplined, to purge and live as "the man" I was born, it fits.

I know how you feel, you just want to dispose of the clothes, all reminiscences of Miche-Miche, and forget you ever donned anything remotely feminine. You will feel OK, even may feel you made a new start, and the future will feel good to you, but not necessarily look good. Because there are still questions, how to live in a way you really never have lived, Miche-Miche will be gone, and that is a loss that you will feel. The absence is well obscured at first, though you can never forget your past. One day, though, without warning, Miche-Miche will there, no where in physical site, but in your mind, your heart, and your soul. She will be there, gently smiling, calling. In time the gentle thug will be roaring DEMAND.

At which time, Miche-Miche will return, and that's ok honey, it does not mean you failed again. It will be mean you once again re-merged your whole self, it will be mean you accept yourself a bit more, it will mean, there is no shame in being you, all of you. At the time, you can handle Miche-Miche again, she will be there, and you will allow her in your life, because allowing her into your life will allow you to live in totality. At which time you can handle Miche-Miche, you will.

Yes, for many of us, we must be careful, take care of careers, relationships, and self, physically, it can be dangerous for many of us if our femme side is discovered. Some may say, that is hiding, I rather say, I am taking care, I protect, I see that my whole self is safe. It can be stressful just know a lot of the stress is placed upon ourselves with guilty, shame, and suppression.

I love being a male, "a man". I love being gay. I am gaining love for Cassie, everyday. The ladies here have helped me to see, that being transgender is just part of the human fabric, and it's part of me. True, I will never be "a man" like many other males, but being "a man" for me means being en femme sometimes. It speaks to who I am.

So, don't worry,honey. If you need to be without Miche-Miche at this time, it's ok, it's what you need now. When you are ready, and Miche-Miche be will ready. You'll know when the time is right.

Cassie

ps, sorry for being so long winded.

[Joanna Maguire]

I have lost count of the number of times I "Purged" My dressing birthday was in ???? 1947 when my mother put me in a dress that continued on weekends and holidays till I went to high school away from home. I became a true CD when I bought my own Sarong High Waisted girdle in 1956 My first purge was in 1966 when I got married. In 1999 began living as a woman full time. No purging since that year of liberation. Purging is an expensive process Thousands of feminine things. JOANNA

[Karren H]

They are only things!! You can always get more... Personally a good purge makes me feel good! Out with the old. Start fresh. I'd rather purge than be a bra and panties hoarder with 500 pair of each!

[Presh GG]

Please Please get help to accept yourself.

Look for a counselor in transgender issues.

Best wishes,
Sincerely
Presh GG

[KellyJameson]

We carry inside the image of what we should be and this image has been painted with countless brush strokes made from moments and memories experienced with and by others.

We live not knowing where we end and others begin, our minds not so much ours but expressions of all those that have come before that now live through us.

Mother, fathers, nation, church, media, ect.. We our photo albums of the past living each moment trying to continue the themes that have been defined for us, their voices pounding in our heads but mistaken for our own thoughts.

Who can stand against this? One person against a sea of humanity? A sea that has written their words since birth before there were words of your own to resist with ?

When you crossdress you throw yourself on the swords of your enemy going against everything you have been told is wrong, there is no shame in relenting just as there is no shame in crossdressing because either choice is an expression of the same thing, to be free from the effects of the poison we have been forced to drink.

The gentleness of your spirit Miche has touched me deeply, please do not allow the ugliness of this world to steal from you your beauty, regardless of what you do with crossdressing you are healthy and the world is sick.

[miche_miche]

They are only things!! You can always get more... Personally a good purge makes me feel good! Out with the old. Start fresh. I'd rather purge than be a bra and panties hoarder with 500 pair of each!

Hi Karren,
I love this response! So right. And I always love looking at your photos, so elegant, so beautiful. And combined with the hockey-fan talk -- great stuff. Thanks for being you.

Love,
miche

The gentleness of your spirit Miche has touched me deeply, please do not allow the ugliness of this world to steal from you your beauty, regardless of what you do with crossdressing you are healthy and the world is sick.

Hi Kelly,
This is a beautiful sentiment, which I take very much to heart. Thank you!

Love,
miche

Please Please get help to accept yourself.

Look for a counselor in transgender issues.

Best wishes,
Sincerely
Presh GG

hi presh,
thanks for your concern, i truly appreciate it!
just want to say that i've spoken several times to a really wonderful therapist who specializes in transgender people. i do accept myself, i feel no shame. i do feel fear sometimes, fear of discovery for instance. that's a very different thing. and what i feel most this week is fatigue, the stress of constant hiding. after the purge, i'm still a girl, just a girl with no clothes to call her own. i'm a girl who is taking a deep breath of relief that her secret is safe for now. sure, i miss my pretty things, but sometimes we do what is practical. posting here is my affirmation that i am still me.

love,
miche

CDing isn't wrong. It just is. And it is beautiful. Let us accept it, even if the misled majority won't. And you don't have to go out or come out to enjoy your clothing and yourself. It can be done for you alone.

We sound like sisters, Miche Miche. I can relate to everything you said in your post. Hang in there. I believe we can only be happy if we try to be ourselves.

Best wishes, Annabelle

Sister Annabelle,
very lovely sentiments, and much appreciated. i am indeed hanging in there!

love
miche-miche

Miche-Miche,

So, don't worry,honey. If you need to be without Miche-Miche at this time, it's ok, it's what you need now. When you are ready, and Miche-Miche be will ready. You'll know when the time is right.

Cassie

hi cassie,
i can never be without miche-miche - after all, i Am miche-miche! i'm missing my girl-clothes a little, but i feel safer right now and that's what i needed. the kind words of girlfriends like you means so much to me!

love,
miche

ps - thanks for the flowers!

ok, i'm getting carried away here, i want to reply to each of you, but that would be OCD, not CD. thank you all!

with love and gratitude,
miche-miche