How can I help my wife?

[abigailf]

Hi all,

So I put this to those of you who have been there before me for some ideas. Or those gg's who understand how my wife is feeling if they can offer some ideas on what I might be able to do to refresh or renew our relationship and give her the proper attention she needs.

I know the answer should be obvious, right? Well, here is some helpful background, then let me know what you think.

I haven't been as active on the forum as I would like of late. This is because I have been a bit happier (due to coming out to many family and friends) and I am getting my passion back for things I never realized I had lost. So my time is spent focusing (yes I can focus again) on things like work, family and friends. What little time I have to myself I use for transitioning activities (laser, therapy, HRT etc...) and writing my weekly blog. So here is a bit about me to refresh your memories.

I am a (yet undecided op) transsexual woman in my late 40's, married with two girls that are still in school (7th and 5th). My wife has been a true champion in dealing with this change in our lives. We still have many good moments but we also have some really difficult moments as I am sure many of you are aware.

My wife has been feeling a bit abandoned. I can't say that I blame her, I have been self absorbed into my own issues and my family has been paying special attention to me as they are probably unsure how to deal with the new daughter, sister, aunt what have you. We haven't yet told her family. It is on the horizon and that has her a bit stressed as well.

Now that I am finally in a good place, I would like to give her the attention she deserves. I want to do something special for her as well that will really give her that warm fuzzy feeling inside. My problem is I am at a loss as to what I should do.

You would think that being married to her for 19 years that I should know her well enough to come up with something. The problem is that many of the parameters have changed. For example, she can not accept certain gifts from me; such as jewelry and things "girly" specific.

So, give this brief backdrop can anyone offer some constructive help.

If you want more background feel free to look at my blog. However know that if you do you are in for a long read.


Thank you.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Abigail,

If it is possible take her to where you first met or where you proposed to her and have a beautiful couple of days alone together.
Buy her flowers and make her the focus of your attention and desire.
Tell her often how much she is appreciated, honored and loved by you.



Julia

[Traci Elizabeth]

I have been self absorbed into my own issues

You hit the nail on the head. I am very happily married and my wife has accepted me 100% and is so supportive and caring. We even have an intimate relationship. BUT in the mist of my transition, she would tell me over and over again, "Traci. everything is about you and your transition and you have neglected everything else including me."

Well that was actually true. It is so easy for me to be consumed with my transition both the physical and mental changes. I could not see the forest because of the tress.

As I was ending my transition, I realized that in fact I was putting my wife on the back burner yet she stayed with me unconditionally. The last time she told me, "Traci the world does not revolve around your transition," I asked her what would make her happy. Her response was simple. She said that she loves me and has stood by me throughout my transition but all she wants is for us to have a "normal" life together. Not one that is one-sided towards all the changes I have gone though.

My wife wanted nothing more than for us to be a normal couple again. She told me that she loves Traci and wants me to just accept that I am like any other woman now and that I needed to act like a "real" woman, not a transsexual consumed in her own life.

And do you know what? From the day, I started acting simply as a woman and dropped the Transsexual label and consumption thereof, our lives have indeed changed to a "normal" marriage and both my wife and I are so much happier.

So what GIFT was my wife wanting - she wanted nothing more than for us to live a normal life.

Think about it! Material gifts are short lived but giving totally of yourself to your marriage is a life long gift. The greatest gift of all.

[JohnH]

Traci,

Thanks for that advice. My wife has accused me of being too wrapped up around myself.

John

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Who can say what is right?

If it was me...
I'd hold her hand, and look her in the eyes..
and tell her how much I love her, tell her how much she means to me.. tell her how much I appreciate her for who she is and what she is doing....

(btw..the first time I tried this..she pushed me away, called me a name, said "how dare you" and didn't talk for a week..it got better after that...)
but i kept hammering away..

you could tell her about your good place and how you couldn't be there without her..and acknowledge the difficult situation and take ownership for it..
find out what's on her mind..be honest about how you can be there for her, or not!..

in your own way, you make sure she knows how much she means to you...and that you want to help, but you can't promise her that you "wont transition" or go further..

The thing you need to internalize is this...if you are ts, you are not a man.. the parameters are changed even more than seems obvious...
Your love for her is unchanged..YOU love her as YOU...but to her, you are changing..she has a different YOU in her life..i know that's confusing...but its true...

You can share love, and share lots of wonderful things, but she either accepts you are not a man or she doesn't
...you guys need to work out a way for her to be fearless and not guilty about how she views your changes..in a way, you are starting over..

Also, do not underestimate how her motherly feelings for the kids play out...

Somehow, she needs to know they will ok..It really can be ok...many of us had great experiences with raising kids and transitioning..

Unfortunately its a chicken and egg scenario...you really can't know for sure until you do it, and her reactions will have a huge impact on the children's experience!! if she hates it, that will reflect on the kids, and reinforce her worst fears..i know this sucks and it requires some really difficult decisions on your part..perhaps even moments where you take a big back seat and hope time heals...

hang in there!!!

[kimdl93]

all really good recommendations. The best gift you can give her is your time and attention. As noted above, just be there for her...and focus on her. Talk to her and try to draw out her feelings, her desires and her needs. Then do what you can to act upon them.

[KellyJameson]

Does she also have dreams about things she wants to work toward just for herself in the future, some special experience or achievement ? It could be anything, a special place she wants to travel to or learning a skill, going back to school, ect.. something "selfishly" just for herself.

I use the word selfishly because often there is so much guilt about wanting things just for ourselves and she may have a want that she holds back from acting on because of this guilt.

We spend so much time helping others to fullfill their needs and wants but sometimes the best gift is to help people realize their dreams by removing the obstacles that block their path not by what we give them directly, much like teaching someone to fish instead of giving them fish.

I understand you were looking for specific ideas but these are the thoughts that came to mind from reading your thread and following your blog.

[stefan37]

I also follow the guidelines Kelly put forth. I ask my wife what her wants are and then I act to make them happen. i focus more attention on her to make her feel special and wanted. I make plans to do more activities involving the two of us. Do you and your wife like to camp? When our oldest went off to college my wife was feeling kinda depressed, we made a date to go camping for the weekend and it help boost her spirit. Rutger's is having an event Tomorrow Sat. There will be a dog show, horticultural activities, food, craft events etc. Maybe make some time and attend that. Let her know you love her, but its important to not just say it but to do what you say so she knows it's real. We had an intense conversation Sun morning and at the end we found ourselves much more connected. I don't know in the end how it will turn out as you won't know either.
I have assured her my love for her and for the past 5 months I have tried my best to show her that I mean wha ti have said and in the end it is all we can do. I wish you the best.

[RADER]

As Julia said;
Go for a week end somewhere nice and alone, It does not have to be expensive, some B&B in an out
of the Way place where the two of you can be alone.
Now here is the hard part; Go as a man, no CD on this trip, remember it is for her.
My wife is OK with my dressing, however I try and take her to a little place on a Hill near the
Mississippi river near Dubuque IA. Real nice and quiet, and we get to know one another.
Some times even I need a rest from dressing.
Rader

[ReineD]

I'm with the others on giving her time and attention. Talk to her about HER problems, HER issues ... the concerns she may have about her kids, friends, family, bosses, coworkers, the environment, economical fears, what have you. Be there for her and show her you care. Offer to help if applicable. She may have gotten used to keeping her problems to herself, if you're just coming out of a self-centered stage.

But, if her funk (assuming she's in a funk) is related to not knowing your futures together, whether or not you will transition and what her life will be like being married to another woman, this may be something that no amount of caring and attention will improve. She may want to know what's going to happen so that she can prepare for it.

I'm sorry I don't have the time to read your blog, but if you are a CDer and not a TS, I would determine this sooner rather than later so that you can put your wife's concerns at ease.

[abigailf]

This is all good advice and I will incorporate much of it going forward. I am going to start by getting off this damned computer and spend some time with her on this chilly spring morning.


Love and thanks,

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i hear you!! i just went out to get the paper!! gorgeous! but chilly

[Di]

My wife has been feeling a bit abandoned. I can't say that I blame her, I have been self absorbed into my own issues and my family has been paying special attention to me as they are probably unsure how to deal with the new daughter, sister, aunt what have you. We haven't yet told her family. It is on the horizon and that has her a bit stressed as well.

Everyone has given you great advice. And understandable you have been getting alot of attention going forward. And glad you realize it is ABOUT the two of you...not just you.
She also is prob stressed about her family....and the unknown....and big kudos
you knowing and wanting to do something about it.
Your wife might be different...but for me...its always about the attention. That makes me feel better than something really expensive( gift wise).
Like going to my fav place for dinner...sending me sweet txt...leaving me notes....making me breakfast in bed,back rubs, sitting at the park having a coffee....you get the idea.....just think of things she likes...that you do not
normally do.
Unless there is something you know she has her heart set on..... For me it was a stovetop grill ...that cost 20 bucks.....lol that I never got around to buying....Sher surprised me with it....you would have thought she spent a million $.......it meant that much to me ...cause she listened....and was thinking about something ...I wanted!
Anyways.....happy you see she needs attention as well!

[Sandra]

Coming from a GG who's SO is transitioning

Give her more of your time, that is maybe all she wants.

[DanaR]

It took a long time for my wife to realize that her fears weren't going to come true. Even though I would probably make some changes in my life, if something were to happen to our relationship, she and I know that isn't going to happen. I've always been understanding of her feelings and know that it isn't just about me. We talk a lot and she gives me my girl time if I need it and reminds me when I get too stressed. I'm not sure that everyone has a perfect situation, but if you care about each other, I think that you'll get out the relationship what you put into it.