Ask-a-gg

[Babeba]

If you were behavimg like any normal person does in a bathroom - closing the stall door and locking it, staying in there long enough to do your thing, and then washing your hands and leaving - I wouldn't bat an eye at you being there.

I do think that the idea a bathroom (as a secluded place) is a dangerous one for females is well entrenched in our collective psyche. It's pretty much the parent of a girl child's worst nightmare that someone who is a pedophile/sex obsessed so-and-so will get their jollies off by being in the washroom or the locker room with their daughters, or will escalate from 'being there' to 'doing something'. But, a crossdresser is NOT automatically a pedophile or a sex-obsessed so-and-so; most people get this and move on.

If you want an example of what bathroom/locker room behaviour makes people uncomfortable, there are some threads from the TS forum about a pre-op transwoman who spent some naked time hanging out in a women's locker room/sauna being used by minors, and how that situation was responded to by our members:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...colleen+brenna
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...es-locker-room
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ut-still-legal

[ClosetED]

The best group of GGs to finally ask - what can I do to convince my loving wife to be accepting? She is aware and had allowed me in small amounts to CD, but then gave an ultimatum to not dress at all without telling her and for 9 months so far I have been good. We have a great marriage, we are physically and mentally affectionate, I earn enough to be the target of Obama, I help around the house, I am handy, we don't argue over almost anything but this. I tried to get her to talk about it and to read about CDing online. I tried to suggest a therapist. She has read a bit, but still is not accepting. What made this group of GGs accept what is outside the norm? I know the subset of GGs here do not include those are completely against it, but may have some who came to tolerate it. And some that embrace it. I can certainly understand not wanting to have sex while dressed as that may confuse her sense of orientation. I don't want to go out and risk her public reputation. And I certainly don't want to transition or be involved with other men. What can I do?

[ReineD]

Does this mean that you can dress, just as long as she knows about it? This seems reasonable to me. I would not like it if my SO preferred to keep this part of himself separate from our relationship. I would feel as if he was trying to hide something from me.

If, on the other hand, she does not want you to dress at all, you can reach down into yourself and tell her exactly why you need to do this, and what it does to you when you don't. You can also educate yourself about gender and gender non-conformity, so that you can answer her questions. You can ask her to tell you, specifically, what she doesn't like about the CDing. Has she seen a light in your eyes when you CD that she feels isn't there for her? Is she afraid that eventually the CDing will take over your life? Does she hold on to well-defined gender roles that she feels must not be crossed? Does she believe the CDing for you is a fetish? Is she afraid of the negative impact if others find out? Does she believe that it is morally wrong? Is she turned off with men who dress as women? Hopefully as you talk together, some of the misconceptions she may have will clear.

As to what made me, for one, accept what is outside the norm, there are several reasons: I've always thought outside the box and I do not believe in rigid gender and sexual roles. I came out of a traditional marriage with a man who did not respect basic boundaries and in contrast, my SO was a breath of fresh air. I do not believe that I have the power to mold others into someone they're not, in order to suit my agenda. I knew a couple whose husband is a CDer before I met my SO, and I knew their marriage worked. My SO told me at the very beginning so I didn't feel lied to.

[ClosetED]

No, I would be OK with dressing when she knows. She is trying to find alternatives to CDing and wants first dibs on any time I claim I can't do without it. I am nearing my limit. I also don't really like DADT (which she set up for 3 months if you ready my Intro). I would rather not feel like sneaking, but OK if she doesn't want to see it. Of course, part of acceptance is being seen by someone else and liked. She really has a hard time even talking about it. She knows my heart goes fast when she talks about me CDing and her being part of it. She knows it makes me the happiest I have ever been and that I am unhappy without it. She may be afraid of what may happen if freely allowed, but I seem to sense that forbidding it leads to worse explosions of actions. I do think she has very well defined gender roles, but has commented that sometimes we have gender reversal as I like to clean and shop and she would feel more comfortable with tools. I do think she feels it is morally wrong. She is turned off by men who dress and only allowed me to do it under duress. Now that last kid is a high school senior, her life role as a mother is ending as well as menopause and she no longer felt as strong an obligation to allow it. She admits that she could not live well without me. I did tell her a year ago that I couldn't live without CDing.
There are more details if you need them. I am secure in who I am and comfortable that I am a good person. Thank you for all you do for this group and your advice to so many seems right to me.

[ReineD]

Then my best advice is to tell her that you would like to find a way to be on the same page with her about this, which for now might be somewhere in the middle between "being seen by someone else [her] and liked" as you suggest, and not wanting to see it at all which she indicates. Each one of you will need to retract a bit on your positions. You might explain to her that it is important for you that she genuinely understands why you need to do this and not judge you for it (allow you time to dress without trying to circumvent your plans each time) and in return you will not push past her comfort zone in terms of her participation. However the two of you decide to do this is up to you. This solution does not need to stand in stone, but it is certainly a good middle ground to reach, and then you can go from there.

You might also suggest that she join this forum to talk to other GGs. It might help. Do tell her that not every GG here is accepting, so it's not like they'll try to talk her into a way of thinking that she is not comfortable with. But, they may be able to answer some of her questions from a GG point of view.

[Mimi]

Hi All,

I'm not sure if this has come up before but here it goes. How, as GG's, would you feel if you were in the ladies room and one of us came in dressed to use the facility?

As long as the person was in there simply doing his/her business it wouldn't bother me a bit. I've been out with other CDs and in the bathroom with them, and it's really no big deal to me. To be honest, I don't think the public is out there trying to identify CDs, and if you are clearly trying to blend in with the other women, they might not even notice (other than a passing thought that the woman washing her hands looked kind of like a man).

I think it would be extremely unfair to expect a fully presenting CDer to use the men's restroom, not to mention very dangerous for him.

[juliemshaw]

A rather silly question, perhaps, but one that has been much on my mind. (and with winter coming on {Nov 29} possibly a question that is moot, for a season) I notice women don't seem to be wearing any type of hosiery any more. Peep toe heels with bare, brightly painted toenails sticking out, seem to be the norm. Is this a fashion trend I can ignore (because I love how my legs look in stockings) or is this something I will have to be mindful of to present as a woman these days? (as I said, with winter coming I plan to live in tights, but come spring - - - )

Thanks for your assistance, ladies!

[cdtraveler]

I just recently began shaving my legs for the first time and have a strong yearning to feel them against my spouse's but she seems reluctant. She doesn't have a thing for a hairy men so know that's not it and wonder if she's reluctant for fear she may like it or may feel any positive response would on encourage me which I don't think she wants to do for fear of where I ultimately may wish to take my dressing. I'd welcome another gg perspective here and some direction on how the proceed

[ReineD]

To Julie, I don't wear hose in the summer with casual skirts and sandals, nor do I wear them in the evening if the weather is warm and I am wearing a cooler, more casual summer dress in light colors. But, if it is a dressier evening and my dress is more elaborate I will wear sheer hose. Black is a favorite color for dressier evenings with strappy, black high heels, and I will sometimes wear the sheerest black hose to accessorize my outfit. And I always wear hose in the wintertime when I wear dresses. My legs would get too cold without them.

To CDtraveler, you should ask your SO how she feels. No one can say whether her reluctance is caused by an aversion to a SO with shaved legs, or if she is afraid that her acceptance would encourage you to go further. But, whatever she says, I hope you are prepared to respect her boundaries and that the two of you will be willing to find some sort of compromise. For example if she is adamant that you should never shave, and if you feel you need to shave in order to go out in public, then maybe you could shave for an outing but grow out your leg hair the rest of the time? If your reason for shaving has nothing to do with not being read in public, but has more to do with your own sense of what makes you feel good about yourself, I strongly recommend you discuss this with your SO in depth. There is not a "one solution fits all" about this. Each couple needs to find whatever works for them.

The body shaving can be a big issue with many GGs sexually, because it is tactile, for the same reason that many GGs are not OK with their husbands dressing fully as women in bed even if they are OK with the CDing outside the bedroom.

[Moxie]

Hi All,

I'm not sure if this has come up before but here it goes. How, as GG's, would you feel if you were in the ladies room and one of us came in dressed to use the facility? I know we've been told to use the one we present as and I do and understand that since walking into the mens room, dressed would be scary. I go in and straight to a stall, do my thing, and wash hands and maybe check makeup and leave. If I'm in a stall and happen to here young girls come in, I always wait until either they are in their stall and leave quickly or if I don't think I can make it out, I wait until they leave. I don't want to be made in the ladies room by a young girl. That's not a good thing to happen. Anyway, would you just leave or not really care as long as we are in there for the same thing you are? Just curious... Thanks for helping us on different issues.

Coming from a GG who isn't quite as comfortable with all this (and relatively knew to experiencing it) I'd probably feel a little awkward if you came in while I was in there. Especially if I were alone. And honestly, five years ago when I knew NOTHING about crossdressing, I'd probably have freaked completely out and yelled for the police!

Sorry to be honest, but I guess that is what this thread is for? I think also it would depend on how female you looked? An obvious man in a dress would be a huge scare factor as we are taught as little girls to be VERY scared of strange men, especially those who follow you into the ladies toilets! A TS would be different though, for me at least, as there is a lovely transexual lady at our post office and she is just one of 'the gals'. I wouldn't care if she were in the public toilets with me as she is every bit like a woman, including her voice and mannerisms. I wouldn't even have known she was TS if someone hadn't told me!

So maybe when everyone here keeps banging on about 'passing', this is why? So as not to scare us in public toilets??

Wow, I just had one of those "Aha" moments!

[noeleena]

Hi,

Since this is for women ill ask a different ? that is inline with toilets, i know the ? was directed for dressers in womens toilets,

you all know i dont come under being a dresser or crossdresser, & im not a trans or transsexual. that leaves me in no mans or womans land, because im intersexed, plus a female brain, i can not use the mens toilets, so i use the womens. & have done where there have been children & many young women never had a problem & i do talk with other women as well in the toilets . or rest rooms ,

Now i know many hard line women ( lesbain ) wont accept intersexed women. though I do have some who are my friends & do accept me for who i am as a normal woman. as normal as i ever can be,

Now how would you feel about myself all you can base any thing on is my avitra, = pic, that is of cause of myself & how im seen day to day, I do have many women friends who will give me a hug when we met. & they have no issues at all fact is as far as they are concerned im another woman just a bit different thats all . if you read my other posts youll soon see what i say about myself as to looks, so nothing is hidden concerning my self,

All i ever asked for was that people accept my difference & accept who i am, & i cant ask more than that, in the main i am accepted, being intersexed does bring with it issues & other details that can be misconscrewed .

So as a woman would you accept i am & not have any issues with me in our own place ( toilets ) or rest rooms, i know trust is a part of my ? as it should be,.

Thanks.

...noeleena...

[GG7irish]

There have been many threads where some crossdressers state they are a different person when they are dressed.

How do you 'see' your SO? Is she a different person? Woman? girlfriend? Guy with a rather unusual hobby?

My wife and I have been together over 45 years. She's know about my crossdressing for almost that long. I posed that question to her. Which opened up a real great conversation between us. She basically said that when I'm dressed she still sees her husband, just in a dress. I love my feminine side but honestly, for me, She 'sees' me just fine.

What do you 'see'?

I see my SO as happier version of himself in a dress if that makes sense.

[Jenniferathome]

Coming from a GG who isn't quite as comfortable with all this (and relatively knew to experiencing it) I'd probably feel a little awkward if you came in while I was in there. Especially if I were alone. And honestly, five years ago when I knew NOTHING about crossdressing, I'd probably have freaked completely out and yelled for the police!

Hi Moxie, this is exactly what I would expect from a woman who is not "in the know." Thanks for the honesty. But let me ask you this: would the passability of the cross dresser make a difference? For example, person 1 is clearly a guy in a dress. 6 ft +, 250 lbs., beard shadow, wide shoulders, bad wig, etc. person 2 is 5'7", 150 pounds, mannish face but no beard shadow, clothing appropriate for the location, hair and accessories "normal." You suspect it's a man, but you are only 65% sure. Does this make a difference?

[Missygirl]

Is it common for a wife to shop with her cd husband? I guess I would have to come out to her first.

[Billiebluenose1878 GG]

To Missygirl ..

That can vary from SO to SO . It depends on how comfortable she is going out and being seen with her CD Hubby .... hope this helps?? Xxx

[ReineD]

Is it common for a wife to shop with her cd husband? I guess I would have to come out to her first.

I guess so. LOL.

There are two hundred and fifty three thousand, eight hundred and sixty seven answers to your question, which are all the possible mathematical combinations of a CDer's needs on the CDing scale (anywhere from almost no need to dress to such a dire need to be out that he'll explode if he doesn't), and a wife's spectrum of acceptance of those needs (from non acceptance, to reluctant tolerance, to neutral tolerance, to acceptance with reservations, to neutral acceptance, to full acceptance ... plus a lot of states of acceptance in between these).

Seriously, you should figure out what this means to you, tell your wife, answer her questions, give her time to take it all in, and then ask her what her comfort levels are.

[Moxie]

Hi Moxie, this is exactly what I would expect from a woman who is not "in the know." Thanks for the honesty. But let me ask you this: would the passability of the cross dresser make a difference? For example, person 1 is clearly a guy in a dress. 6 ft +, 250 lbs., beard shadow, wide shoulders, bad wig, etc. person 2 is 5'7", 150 pounds, mannish face but no beard shadow, clothing appropriate for the location, hair and accessories "normal." You suspect it's a man, but you are only 65% sure. Does this make a difference?

It does!! The reality is, us girls can be a little preoccupied in the ladies, mostly grooming ourselves! I don't recall ever doing much more than glancing at another woman sharing the room with me. So an obvious 6 foot plus man in a dress would make me look twice for certain (and then yell for the police!) whereas the second version I honestly doubt I'd notice if they didn't do anything to attract attention to themselves.

So yes, it makes a difference and I've probably shared the ladies with the second guy and not noticed. The first guy, though equally within rights to be there would honestly scare me as this goes back to all the warnings little girls get from the moment they can walk - avoid men in the ladies room as they might want to rape and kill you!

[Moxie]

That said, I have a GG friend who is amazonian in size, very beautiful, and she scares everyone in the ladies too. Mostly with jealousy as there is NO liking your own reflection after seeing hers. Seriously, she's the stuff of supermodels.

So the ladies room can be treacherous for many! lol

[cdtraveler]

What finally made you ok or desire to see your loved one fully dressed
What was their reaction?

[ReineD]

What finally made you ok or desire to see your loved one fully dressed
What was their reaction?

I fell in love with him and determined to accept all his/her facets. He was pleasantly surprised.

[ClosetED]

I have been patient. I am sure she feels threatened, but hasn't been able to say exactly what about. I would love for her to join here and ask questions. There are some who would scare her, so she needs to understand there are some who are strictly hetero and monogamous and some who are not. I think she is worried about how far i would go, despite my reassurances. I have always tried to stay within the limitations she gave, even if she was not fully understanding of what she allowed. For example, she told me 1 year ago, to do what I wanted but she didn't want to know about it. So I bought 3 pairs of inexpensive shoes, 2 inexpensive outfits, lots of hosiery, and a waist cincher. When they arrived at different times, they were left outside the house and I brought them in without showing her, so she did not realize what I had bought. I had little time to every try them. I only let her see one pair of hosiery before moving it to a locked cabinet. Months later, when it opened when still locked, she was upset and felt deceived. But to my mind, I did exactly what she asked.

[Bo-peep]

As to what made me, for one, accept what is outside the norm, there are several reasons: I've always thought outside the box and I do not believe in rigid gender and sexual roles. I came out of a traditional marriage with a man who did not respect basic boundaries and in contrast, my SO was a breath of fresh air. I do not believe that I have the power to mold others into someone they're not, in order to suit my agenda. I knew a couple whose husband is a CDer before I met my SO, and I knew their marriage worked. My SO told me at the very beginning so I didn't feel lied to.

This is exactly why I feel I accept what is outside the norm; my man is open, honest, loving and supportive ... I am simply being the same towards him.

I can understand your wife being worried... I have anxieties too. But I am trying to learn as much about this as I can. I feel there are two people inside him .... hard to explain but he is both very masculine but incredibly feminine too .... that is why i think he is such a breath of fresh air ... he has empathy and understanding and a great deal of gentleness and tenderness as well.

[Patti Remick]

Hello,
I was wondering how you feel about the tem 'GG' as you are referred to on this forum? Ive read various places that it is an acronym for:
Genetic Girl
Genuine Girl
Girly Girl
Gray hair and Glasses (just kidding)

Personally Ive always felt the 'girl' part is detrimental - and so typical of how WOMEN are referred to by males in general. On this forum Ive used the term as well, but as a kind of 'when in Rome...' thing, perhaps many others do as well. But Ive never been comfortable reading or using it. Im sorry, I guess Im too much of a feminist.

Luv and Hugs
Patti Remick

[ClosetED]

My wife did not want to look at this site and is very upset I even brought up talking about crossdressing. She printed out the Founder''s story from crossdresserswives.com. They only let GGs join. Any thoughts on that site?

[ReineD]

My wife did not want to look at this site and is very upset I even brought up talking about crossdressing. She printed out the Founder''s story from crossdresserswives.com. They only let GGs join. Any thoughts on that site?

In my opinion, it is biased. Anyone can read their forum, you do not need to be a member, but apparently it attracts the wives of severely fetishistic, abusive, and perhaps alcoholic crossdressers, at least according to the posts that I have read. At any rate, the accounts that I've read there of husbands' actions do not match what we read in this forum or my own experience with my SO or any other CDer that I know. I did read the founder's story many years ago. You can read it for yourself. She paints a bleak, somewhat tunnel-visioned and stereotypical picture.

To Patti Remick, I do not mind "GG". It's just convenient shorthand used on a discussion board, that I take to mean "genetic female" even if someone decided a long time ago to refer to us as "genetic girls", and it stuck.