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Thread: feeling depressed ... my story

  1. #1
    ma(((((WOMAN!!!)))))n KittyMuffin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2004

    feeling depressed ... my story

    Ok I have been giving this much thought. I can wear women's clothes, I can walk like a woman, I can do housework and drive a minivan (no stereotype comments intended), and when I save up about $30K I can reach the zenith of being womanly in the physical sense. But, I will still have the muscles, bone structure, and skin of a man.

    It is heartbreaking to think that anything short of a brain transplant to a cloned version of me that genetically-altered to be female would just be a second best approach. Still I cannot let it defeat me. I am a woman on the inside. But unfortunately, when there were cranking out babies on the assembly line in the sky they were like "well this one has the wrong body, but oh well, send it out anyway".

    But here is the thing. I may be branded as weird, abnormal, mucked up, or anything else, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I will not live a lie and assume the role of a man! I would rather never get married and stay dressing up, even if I could never afford SRS, than to just give up and accept being a man. I know I am a WOMAN! I tell myself that every bight before I go to sleep as if by some miraculous event, I would wake up in the wrong body. But alas, it never happens. Just a silly girlish thought I suppose.

    Well I'm sorry. I just had to get it all out I guess. I'm sure 99 per cent of the other people on this forum know exactly how I feel. I have felt this all my life. My mom told me that once I knew how to walk I would sneak into her room and wear her boots and stuff. I actually do have memories of doing that. I obviously was too young for it to be a sexual thing. That's not what it is about. The clothes are a physical method to express my inner femininity. It is an emotional thing. It just feels like the right thing to do.

    I used to pray and ask God to fix me. But now I thank him for allowing me to realize what I am, and to be true to myself. I have no shame or guilt of this any more. I have accepted that I am a woman, and I belive that if I am a good person in this life, I may come back as a physical woman in the next. But I cannot live a lie! I am really a woman!

  2. #2
    Been there, done that
    Join Date
    Jan 2005

    I admire you

    There was a time in my life that I wish I wasn't born, I try to tell myself again and again that I'm a man, but there is something that don't let me, as soon as I see a female I get the urge to be me, the women that i know I am, there has to be a purpose from God to have me going thru this, It just has to be reason why, just never give up, you are not alone.

    Love Ericka

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    As Erika said, you are not alone in your ways Muffin. I feel the same. I have thoughts that I have been cheated out of something, almost to the point that me being a man is a kind of deformity. The only advise I can give you is some how come to grips within yourself and find peace, because the pain will tear you apart.

    I never prayed to God. I did try to make a deal with the devil, my soul for a life living as a woman, the devil just laughed and said , boy, I already got your soul.
    Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
    I touch no one and no one touches me.-S&G

  4. #4
    Gold Member DonnaT's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Northern Virginia
    Note that it doesn't cost nearly 30K in Thailand, one of the worlds foremost GRS locations.

    Also, hormones do tend to soften the skin and change the one's musculature.

  5. #5
    Just me! Sarahgurl371's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Apparently in my own world! NW PA
    I understand where you are comming from. I too have had thoughts of whats the use. I could transition, hormones, SRS, whatever, but inside I would know That I am not really a woman, I look like one, act like one and even feel like one, but I was born a man. Could I really be any happier in life living like that? Maybe thats what makes the difference between a CD/TG and a TS or maybe thats what really makes us TS and we know that modern medicine cannot rectify the situation.

    Anyone else understand this? Maybe somebody can help us out.

    "So Often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key" The Eagles

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    My greatest fear in transitioning was losing or hurting my kids. Once I realized that I would be doing just that I abandoned transitioning. But now it seems I have lost them anyway and I still have a hard time with transitioning. I'm a perfectionist. I also am hyper-sensitive. And then there's that part of me that's a people pleaser. I know I would always be self conscious about my appearance and doubt I could ever learn to speak like a woman as my voice is so deep. I would fear criticism and rejection. Transitioning would solve some problems but would bring about a whole set of other problems, many I'm sure I haven't even thought of. So I don't know which life would be better.

    Besides, longevity is not in my family and I may have only 10 - 15 good years left. Would it be worth the risk to live fully as a woman for what, maybe 5 - 10 years? If I knew for certain that transitioning would end this inner turmoil I'd do it. But I don't know it would.

    I have a TS friend who started her transition and never looked back. I told her I was jealous of her in that she just keeps forging ahead knowing this is the right thing for her to do. She has two small boys of whom she has custody half the time and even they don't sway her from her direction. In January she will have SRS and she's elated. If you saw a picture of her before she started her transition and one of me in drab you'd say I would do much better. But when I see how well she's done (and I don't think passing will ever be a problem for her) I feel I could never be as successful as her. For all the professionals I've spoken to and the few TSs who have given me their assessment of how I'd do, I'm the only one who thinks I couldn't transition successfully. I see it as an indication of how much I really want to transition. So until I have a burning desire to do so I will remain just as I am. I think doubt is what separates the transgendered from the transsexual.

  7. #7
    Member arula's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Toronto, Canada
    As I had said before, If the internet was like this when I was twenty, I would done everything possible to finish the constant struggle that had consumed my entire life. After finding this forum almost a year ago it has helped to completely tie up the last few threads of my life. My secret life as a woman and my public life as a man have both become who I am. I could make a change, but at what expense, at the expense of possibly losing everyone that I love in my public life. I'll wait 'till the next go 'round. With my luck I'll probably be a woman who wants to be a man.
    From Transvestite to *******
    a fantasy turning into reality
    in the not too distant future.

    xoxo Arula.

  8. #8
    Member ginafaye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    my kids are so important to me i guess my cding will always be cautious .my daughter would probaly acepy me but mysons would surely be troubled .its enough for now i have this great web site to vist and a wonderful wife that loves and suports me

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