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Thread: Transgender and shyness

  1. #26
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    As I read what others have written about the torture they went thru growing up I reflected upon my distraught childhood. I had speech dyslexia. didn't speak until I was 4. Teased, harassed and bullied all my life. I tried to fit in when I could. But I was nothing but a wallflower hoping no one wouold shine their light at me. Mostly a loner. Ne'er-do-well. Couldn't learn. So I read a lot. Escaped into my books. I am blossoming as I transition. I still have a lot of awkward moments in carrying a conversation, but I feel it is getting better.
    Diane Elizabeth

  2. #27
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    This is a good thread. I have definitely have social anxiety disorder but ironically, because of that, I go out looking however I want because I feel anxious anyway, so I don't have anything to lose.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.

  3. #28
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    Very interesting thread!

    I too am very shy. I wouldn't talk at all around the boys when younger because it was safer to not draw attention to myself. That feeling of not wanting attention is still there today (but a little less strongly). And the girls wouldn't have anything to do with me because????
    To this day, I feel much more comfortable talking to women than men and still tend to be in the background. If I see someone I would consider attractive, it's very difficult to work up the nerve to talk to them, if ever. I guess it would be that fear of rejection.
    It's easy to say in my head "why would they want to know me?"

    I never thought before of being TG as having anything to do with the shyness. I just didn't put them together, but it makes a lot of sense.

  4. #29
    Junior Member April Lyn's Avatar
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    I also have always felt very shy and uncomfortable around others. During a recient conversation with my wife I described it as kinda like how it feels when you have a zit or something and you think that the whole world is just staring at it. thats how if feels for me anyway, can anyone else relate?

    - April

  5. #30
    Princess in the making SandraAbsent's Avatar
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    I have a very distinct view on shyness. As someone who struggled my entire life with being shy, it was only until I looked at it this way that I was finally able to climb out of it. Lets break down what the emotion really is?

    "I" feel uncomfortable approaching new people.
    "I" feel uncomfortable in large groups.
    "I" fear rejection so "I" will not pursue this romantic interest.
    the list can go on, and on, and on...

    The point being the central focus on the emotions experienced from being shy is a common one. "I" Now ask yourself, what do we call someone who is only focused on themselves, whether it be introverted, or external? Selfish right? Now once I decided that I was actually being selfish, instead of shy, I quickly rejected the emotion. When I coupled this with finally becoming comfortable in my own shell and started living full-time, I now wonder if people believe I may never shut up. Confidence overcomes many things, and so with confidence and an understanding of what it really means to be shy maybe we can move past it all together!
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  6. #31
    Senior Member Foxglove's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SandraAbsent View Post
    I have a very distinct view on shyness. As someone who struggled my entire life with being shy, it was only until I looked at it this way that I was finally able to climb out of it. Lets break down what the emotion really is?

    "I" feel uncomfortable approaching new people.
    "I" feel uncomfortable in large groups.
    "I" fear rejection so "I" will not pursue this romantic interest.
    the list can go on, and on, and on...

    The point being the central focus on the emotions experienced from being shy is a common one. "I" Now ask yourself, what do we call someone who is only focused on themselves, whether it be introverted, or external? Selfish right? . . . Confidence overcomes many things, and so with confidence and an understanding of what it really means to be shy maybe we can move past it all together!
    Sandra, sorry, you're free of course to analyze your own motives, but I think that suggesting that all shy people are ultimately motivated by selfishness is a bit harsh on them. This thread has been a real eye-opener for me. I've always been pretty shy myself, a loner in ways, fearful of rejection, and it's been amazing to me to see how many other people on this thread have been saying much the same thing.

    Can we not find another motive for shyness? Perhaps fear, e.g.? If we link our shyness to our TGism, we all know the guilt and shame we feel, coupled above all with the fear of discovery. We also might feel isolated and lonely. It's no surprise, I think, if we find that all of these emotions can develop into extreme shyness.

    But take your examples, and see how they can all be turned around:

    "I" feel uncomfortable approaching new people. --> I don't feel uncomfortable approaching new people.
    "I" feel uncomfortable in large groups. --> I don't feel uncomfortable in large groups.
    "I" fear rejection so "I" will not pursue this romantic interest. --> I don't fear rejection so I will pursue this romantic interest.

    In these cases, you could say that such a person is focussed purely on herself, and so we could say that the mainspring behind self-confidence is selfishness.

    Sorry, I don't think that we necessarily have to see selfishness as lying behind everybody's shyness. Perhaps in some cases, but not in all of them.

    Best wishes, Annabelle

  7. #32
    Junior Member DCChris's Avatar
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    Shy no more. I was very shy when young, but became increasingly extroverted after High School. College, life and career apparently boosted my self-confidence so much there was little I was afraid of actually doing. This Forum and others empowered me further to take closet CDing to venturing out with comparable confidence.

  8. #33
    Just a touch of class Lynn Marie's Avatar
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    [SIZE="4"]I always thought that shyness was simply a fear of being exposed. Like sort of being naked before everybody with your body and deepest thoughts exposed. That's really scary to pretty much everybody until you decide to expose yourself. You have to face your fears, head on, and do the very thing that paralyzes you.

    Yes, overcoming our fears can be a daunting task with so many reasons for not facing those fears. Family, work, church, community, friends are all good reasons to keep yourself well covered up and your perverted thoughts hidden. Funny thing is we're all kind of ugly and perverted. Some just hide it better than others. Just more phoney?
    [/SIZE]

  9. #34
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    I agree. I have always been unable to relate to people socially because of shyness. That's why I maried a socially aggresive spouse.

  10. #35
    trans punk Badtranny's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SandraAbsent View Post
    what do we call someone who is only focused on themselves, whether it be introverted, or external? Selfish right?
    I have to go with Sandra on this one. In fact I was just explaining to someone a few weeks ago about the difference between shy and introverted. Shy people don't get a pass with me because it's my belief that shyness is what happens when you can't get over yourself for whatever reason. I too went through a "shy" phase but when I look back on those years (before the high-school debate team) I realize that my shyness was a direct result of me not wanting to look bad or be rejected by others. I am still an introvert by and large and as a result rarely feel lonely, but I can proudly say that when I finally "got over myself" I was no longer shy.

    People who claim to be victimized by shyness are really just victimized by fear of what others may think of them. Being shy is not cute, it's sad and if somebody is too "shy" to stand up and introduce themselves, I wonder what they're hiding.
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  11. #36
    CD explorer Elana's Avatar
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    I can relate a lot to this. I share similar feelings of shyness throughout my life. When i was little i was painfully shy to the point at kindergarten i was put in a ESL program cause the teachers thought i couldnt speak english well. It took a lot of work, and even though i still am shy in a lot of social situations (meeting a group for the 1st time, speaking in front of a group, or being the center of attention) i've been taking a lot more chances in going out femme seems like it helped me with my shyness, and also i tend to be more at ease on a 1 one 1 social situation rather than a larger group of friends. But i can still relate to being shy around girls, especially cute girls for some reason inside of me i relate my femme self to be more of the girl next door shy type.

    Elana

  12. #37
    Yeah Ok like whatever Tracii G's Avatar
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    A very good thread so many great replies.
    As a kid say 14 -18 years old I was outgoing and had lots of friends but held the TG part of me from everybody.I myself really had no clue what was going on in my head and stayed clueless for many years.Battling my emotions and wondering what was wrong with me.
    Overdid the manly part of me trying to prove something I guess thru my 20's.
    I was an emotional wreck at best.Feeling manly was really hard because that is not who I was at that time.
    I have had two failed marriages and lost a few GF because because I'm too much of a loner and have a hard time dealing with TG issues.
    With the help of this site and all you lovely people I was able to finally figure out just what I am.I never imagined there were so many just like me. I will always be very thankful of all the friends here that helped me to realize that.
    I have been able to come out to several friends and they have accepted me for who I am on the inside.That is a wonderful feeling!!
    Thanks everybody!!
    Last edited by Tracii G; 05-07-2012 at 10:31 PM.
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  13. #38
    My Ship has sailed? Barbara Ella's Avatar
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    I was always shy and introverted. Lisped until 9th grade, so did not really want to even speak to people. To date i still find it very difficult to carry on a normal off the cuff conversation. So low self esteem was also at play. I have become quite proficient at rehearsed presentations, speeches etc, (and I mean really rehearsed) so shyness may have diminished, but the rest is still at work. I do not think being TG played into that, as I did not dress until recently, but when dressed as a woman, I do not lose my feelings of inadequacy.

    I must say that being on this forum has allowed me to step further away from shyness. Threw that out the closet. Still working on the self esteem.

    Barbara
    He (she) who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance.
    - Friedrich Nietzche -
    I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.

  14. #39
    In transmission whowhatwhen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Badtranny View Post
    People who claim to be victimized by shyness are really just victimized by fear of what others may think of them. Being shy is not cute, it's sad and if somebody is too "shy" to stand up and introduce themselves, I wonder what they're hiding.
    Oddly enough that is sort-of true in my case, I've always been terrified about how I was being seen and how I was being judged and thus am now introverted and still obsess over being judged.
    There isn't anything being hidden though, it's all fear.

  15. #40
    Senior Member Foxglove's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Badtranny View Post
    I have to go with Sandra on this one. In fact I was just explaining to someone a few weeks ago about the difference between shy and introverted. Shy people don't get a pass with me because it's my belief that shyness is what happens when you can't get over yourself for whatever reason. I too went through a "shy" phase but when I look back on those years (before the high-school debate team) I realize that my shyness was a direct result of me not wanting to look bad or be rejected by others. I am still an introvert by and large and as a result rarely feel lonely, but I can proudly say that when I finally "got over myself" I was no longer shy.

    People who claim to be victimized by shyness are really just victimized by fear of what others may think of them. Being shy is not cute, it's sad and if somebody is too "shy" to stand up and introduce themselves, I wonder what they're hiding.
    Hi, Melissa! I have to say that in a way I'm laughing now because it never would have occurred to me to link shyness and selfishness. Actually, I don't like the term "selfishness" here. From what you and Sandra are saying, I get the impression that what you're talking about is people who are too focused on themselves. So I'll use the term "self-absorption" because "selfishness" means something different to me. But if you and Sandra want to overrule me on this, OK, because they're your ideas.

    I was recalling undoubtedly the shyest person I've ever seen. Some years ago, for a short while, I was a member of a group for divorced and separated men. There was one guy there who was so shy he looked like he was tied up in knots, like he was afraid the rest of us at any moment might jump on him and start beating the living daylights out of him. I think in all the meetings I attended, he never said more than a total of 14 words. But the guys were good to him. Nobody pushed him to talk if he didn't want to. People left him alone to take what he could from the meetings. Maybe eventually he'd start feeling more comfortable and come out of his shell.

    You've suggested that shy people might be hiding something. I'd say this guy was certainly hiding something. But what could that be? I had no idea. Maybe he was abused as a child. Since he was divorced/separated, maybe he'd been in an abusive relationship. Who's to know what was going on inside him?

    There's one thing that I haven't yet said on this thread that I've been intending to say, so I'll say it now: I have yet to meet a shy person who wasn't a very nice person. Maybe others will disagree with me, but in my experience, shy people tend to be nice people. That's why they get a pass with me.

    And you say, "People who claim to be victimized by shyness are really just victimized by fear of what others may think of them." Well, yes. But some people have very good reason to fear what others might think of them. On a thread on the media forum just yesterday, I came across an article that gave the result of survey taken among LGBT high school students in the US. Nine out of ten reported that they'd been bullied or harassed at school within the last year. Sometimes fear of others is quite reasonable. If I were a student at such a school, I think I'd be pretty shy.

    A lot of times you hear the basic idea that if you just get your head together, you'll be fine. But it's not necessarily true. Because your head isn't the only thing in life. There's a huge world out there that's much bigger and much stronger than any one individual, and it can do all sorts of bad things. You might have a father who regularly beats you because he's never seen any need to control his temper. Or you might go to a school where you're regularly harassed. I think we can say that Chrissy Lee Polis had her act together since she had the courage to transition. But she still got beaten to a pulp.

    There are lots of people on this forum who have taken or are taking an emotional pounding. Shyness is in your head, but it can be put there by the experience you've had in life.

    There's another point, too. Some people simply aren't very big and strong (that would include me), and it's not helpful to tell such people, "Well, you simply need to be bigger." And there are also people who simply aren't as strong psychologically as others. It's just not in their nature to have much strength, and it's not helpful to tell them, "Well, you need to be stronger."

    You need to give them time to get over whatever it is they need to get over. Let them go at their own pace and don't push them. Like the guy in my group, there may be nothing you can do but show him acceptance, but maybe that's something he's never seen before.

    In other words, I myself am not inclined to be too hard on shy people. I agree shyness is sad, but I think lots of people have very good reason to be shy. What they need is for life to be a bit kinder to them. Hopefully it will and they'll feel they can come out of their shell.

    Best wishes, Annabelle

  16. #41
    Banned Read only nikkijo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kellycan27 View Post
    Nope.. I actually came out of my shell once I transitioned. Before I transitioned i was pretty much persona non-grata. People pretty much ignored me, and i pretty much kept to myself. Once I transitioned I started to get a lot of attention which boosted my confidence and self esteem. Now that I am my true self I want to see,touch,smell and experience everything this big beautiful world has to offer.

    Kel
    some of us want that.... but can we just keep others away painfully shy doesnt describe it well enough..... but lets analize why... lost my wife, a friend, and partner of 8 years... to comming out, been raped, been asaulted, so unless you want to see me cry when i try to meet you for the first time know im VERY VERY shy and timmid... at first.......
    Last edited by nikkijo; 05-08-2012 at 10:52 AM.

  17. #42
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    No, I do not think there is any correlation. I am not at all shy as all my friends would attest.

  18. #43
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    Just the opposite actually. When I am dressed I am more gregarious
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  19. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by emmicd
    If you are transgender whether you are a cross dresser, transsexual or somewhere on the spectrum has your being transgender contributed to your shyness? I am a female trapped and I am going through the motions in life feeling I am not expressing the real me which is heart breaking and probabaly the reason i am so painfully shy and have been all throughout my life.
    [SIZE="2"]I was shy before I crossdressed, and I feel my CD’ing grew out of this condition. In a way, dressing as a girl, a woman, a lady, or whatever, has helped me to overcome shyness. I had to gather enough courage to go out and get the clothing and accessories to make ME appear, and then I quite logically felt the desire to go forth in my new “uniform.” I was bullied a lot in school, for various reasons, even though I was outwardly very normal in terms of gender. However, I was put-upon from an early age, and I painted myself into a corner of my own making just to avoid confrontation…


    These days I’m much LESS shy than I used to be, but there are times when I would rather not show myself. Whenever I think I’m shy, I’ll see a truly shy person and realize how confident or comfortable I am by comparison – with this in mind, I think shyness is relative, and I can no longer use the word “shy” to describe my relation to the world. So, I can’t say that crossdressing, or trans- anything has contributed to my shyness - rather, I see it as a cure for what ailed me…
    [/SIZE]

  20. #45
    Silver Member giuseppina's Avatar
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    Hi Emmi

    I am also painfully shy, but it has little to do with crossdressing. I've given hints on the reason elsewhere on the board.
    Cheers
    Giuseppina

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