I need some true advice (kinda long)

[natacsha]

As many of you know, I'm not really new to CDing but I have a hard time with it in public. I'm afraid I'm gonna love it toooo much and the fact that I'm obsessed with myself makes for a very self destructive natacsha. That's bad enough. Now, after she's been hibernating for a couple years, a couple months ago she comes blasting out of her cage and is taking over again. The problem with her is that she is very controlling and demands A LOT of attention. And being single doesn't really make things easier. I used to think that having my ex-gf's around kept things in check. To make things worse, I have a friend with whom I've been friends with for about 15 years and he is absolutely gorgeous but it's the mental part we connect most to. I actually have a crush on him...badly. and that is new to me. I have no idea where this is all coming from but I'm having a seriously hard time with this. I had messed around a couple times in the past but this isn't as much sexual as it is a feeling. His body is muscle bound everywhere and he's a lawyer and college football coach. This all started to come about when SHE got let out of her cage. I've never had any thoughts on ever being in a relationship with a man but with him I think I could....and like it. I was on this site a couple nights ago, he get's out of the theater and texts me, "doest your mother knoweth you weareth her dress?" WTF!!!!! He has no idea or so I think. Turned out to be a funny part of Avengers from the movie that night. Nevertheless, a couple weeks ago, I buy this cute little hot pink bob wig and I get home that evening to watch the game and he calls. Me: you watching the game? Him: NO!! I can't watch anything!!!! The t.v screen is PINK!!! hahaha I couldn't stop laughing. He takes me home yesterday and plays this song titles "boys in heels" and though the song sucked, I can't help but be completely flabbergasted by the events I just shared with you. sorry for the rant girls, but you all made it quite clear that I can just come and jump in and as apprehensive as I am just typing this, I am. I wanna tell him. I wanna dress outside....put a pic up here.......understand a little more whats going on in the world these days. I don't wanna go all out because I don't know where that road can lead to for me but I do know where it lead in the past and it took a long grueling painstaking period to overcome that part of my past. And therein lies the problem. I ask that you please respond with a very open mind and sensitive to what I have put out there. I am better as a man but the girl wants to play and she is really REALLY hard to deny. And you know I mean it when i say HELP ME PLEEEEEEASE!!!!

[Vickie_CDTV]

Do you know if he is into trans girls (or he is bi?) I'd be careful, if he is a straight male and had no idea you liked him it might not go well.

[natacsha]

He kinda maybe knows I like him but I can't say for sure about anything else. but he wouldn't hurt me. He is very liberal on the subject and had no problem giving me the 3rd degree about it yesterday. He exceedingly tells me about how he is for gay marriage and this and that....I play devils advocate but just to see how far he goes...hehe

[emmicd]

I believe you should seek a therapist to discuss your gender identity issues. That is a first step in helping you to understand yourself. You sound like you have trangender issues. There is nothing wrong with that. I am tansgender too and I am also suffering from gender dysphoria. Good Luck!

emmi

[Kate Simmons]

I think the bottom line with this is that you need to be absolutely sure of your feelings and be honest with yourself about them. Then take it from there. As Emmi mentioned, you may want to talk to someone about this.

[laura.lapinski]

First of all, just take a deep breath or three and relax. There is no need to rush into it. Second, you will eventually know what it all means and what you really want. yes, we can get caught up in ourselves and obsess about someone, but it may also be a part of yourself you need to express and there would be nothing wrong with that. There is nothing to worry about here, and if you do something and later regret it, let go of any shame or regret. Do not kick yourself over anything like that. Life is about learning, and we and the world around us is constantly changing. Change is the normal state of things.

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

Wow, single and 32 with evry option open to you. If you are happier as a girl then weigh your options as to weather or not you could "come out" as a girl and then decide. My life is too set for me to be a girl 24/7 but if I had my life to do over again from my late teens or early twenties oh how things would have changed. I am happy being who I am but think I would have been happier for a longer period of my life as Sandra!!!

[natacsha]

Ok. I'm calm. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. I ready do appreciate it. I guess if I had the money I would seek out therapy but I can't imagine anything more therapeutical than speaking to several people on here that are wise enough and have been there. in the past few days I have learned a lot just from reading peoples posts. There are a million reasons why I like being a guy and only a few reasons for being her. But it I'd be lying if I said those few reasons aren't scratching away at me. I'll figure this out on my own as I normally do but damn if I'm not being pulled in side out side and up side down on this colossal rollercoaster. I can't become a girl because there are too many unpredictables and I'm not prepared to make that leap. But as I mentioned, I am happy as a male. I just want to further explore the other side further and see if she is truly meant for me. But I lack the courage to go public and until then, I will struggle even harder. I need a push out the door to let this out once and for all and after a few months time I think I'll better understand where I want to go work this. So who wants to push a little girl around? Lol Thanks again for listening and responding. Ciao

[Nikki A.]

There is no pushing here. You have to decide what you want and if it is worth the effort to get what you want. Take your time, this person will not disappear on you. See where his head is at and then see where things may lead.

[Kate Simmons]

The bottom line Hon is that if you find your feelings are true, I say go for it. The more happiness in this dismal world the better.

[KellyJameson]

You talk how I feel and according to those in the know I have GID so you may want to consider talking to someone in the future when circumstances will allow for it because in my opinion when crossdressing is about identity it quickly takes over your life causing all kinds of havoc until you dive completely into the deep waters and swim to the other shore at least mentally if not physically.

Right now you refer to her as separate from yourself as if there is a struggle going on inside you for control between two different people, I went through that in my teens and early twenties and for me it was a scary place to be because I felt out of control as if I was suffering a form of addiction but it was the frantic search for my lost self.

Hope my words do not ruin the experience for you but I always worry for others when there are similarities between how they feel and how I did feel. I'm far from being free of those out of control feelings but I do have a certain calmness now and am less fearful about what was and is happening to me because I understand the deeper reasons and needs. You sound as scared as I was and at some point you will have to discover your natural equilibrium that will leave two people or one inside you.

[Rebecca Star]

Hi natacsha, you sound overwhelmed right now and to be honest, that's totally understandable.

From what I gather, reading between the lines (please correct me if I'm wrong), there is also some guilt attached in there too. Hard to really give full advice without knowing more; if that makes sense to you.

However, I think what would help you right now is if you try and separate each of the issues you've spoken of. Doing this, will allow you to see each feeling clearer. Instead of how it seems to be now with everything jumbled into each other. Seems to be just confusing you more.


Think of it like you'd make a list of things to do - kinda like a check list. Try to keep it in a brief point structure. When you've completed that task, you can then look at each issue separately.

I then suggest write it out, get what's in your head out on paper about your feelings on each of these issues. I find if I have a few problems going at once, when I write each one down, it takes it out of my head and places into reality. Kinda like a tangible feeling.


If you don't know how to start writing about each point, just start writing about anything. Believe me, the mind and it's subconscious has an uncanny means of connecting to what is your feeling and after about ½ to one page of what may look like total dribble to you, your true inner feelings will surface. Don't be alarmed if you end up writing 30 pages or more.

a couple months ago she comes blasting out of her cage and is taking over again. The problem with her is that she is very controlling and demands A LOT of attention.

I'm not surprised.
When I was younger (in my 40's now), because of the guilt factor and all the other issues guys generally have with coming to terms with our transgender personalities, my Cding was like a yo-yo. At times, I would resist the urge to CD. However trying to fight against something that is essential a part of me, only caused more stress and unhappiness.

When Rececca finally got to play, she was out of control. Similar to your expression of, "blasting out of her cage".

It was not until I accepted all of me, including my female persona, that I truly began to heal and Rebecca became just another part of me - not a prisoner trapped behind bars.


In so far as the attraction to your male friend, that's something I can't give advice on, sorry. I can however; and am happy to do so, tell you a bit about me and maybe that might help you in the process.


Years ago I slept with a guy, not while in CD mode, but as a guy. Didn't rock my boat. However, I can't deny I don't get sexual feelings about others, be that M-F transgender people. Though, I have noticed the more I become conditioned to this, the wider this net gets thrown.

I can't say if I would or wouldn't right now have a sexual relationship with a guy when as Rebecca. But, I know if I distance myself from other activities I may enjoy online, it's likely this will lessen my thoughts of entertaining that idea.


The point I'm trying to make is, I don't know what you get up to when online. However if this need to be with a guy is carried with you regardless of anything else, then maybe you need to look at this too. Probably one good suggestion would be to make an appointment with a therapist who specialises in transgender issues, if, it's causing you to feel overwhelmed and confused on your sexuality level.

[docrobbysherry]

Ok, you're lookin' for some, "experienced advice", rite, Nat?
Well, as old as I am I've got THAT by the tub fulls! So, here it comes. ALL the answers to every question u asked and every worry, wonder, and/or whatever u mentioned above, r NOT going to come from any of us, but FROM U!

The BAD NEWS: U must figure out and resolve all these issues yourself! The GOOD NEWS: You're young and have all the time in the world to do it!

It seems the most vexing of your issues is with this "boy friend". I didn't read where u say you're gay or bi. Have u even accepted THAT yet? If not, that should be your first order of business! If u have already accepted that, then u need to have a discussion with your "boy friend" over drinks some time. He sounds like an accepting, open person. Whether or not he'll want to remain close after the "discussion", well, no one can predict that! But, at least that issue will be handled! And, u can move on to the next one! And, so on and so on. And, before u know it, you'll be an old fart like me. With wonderful memories, few or no regrets, and looking forward to the time u have left, as well as looking back on the life you've enjoyed!

There u have it grasshopper! Hope u took notes and enjoy your road ahead!

[natacsha]

Ok, you're lookin' for some, "experienced advice", rite, Nat?
Well, as old as I am I've got THAT by the tub fulls! So, here it comes. ALL the answers to every question u asked and every worry, wonder, and/or whatever u mentioned above, r NOT going to come from any of us, but FROM U!

The BAD NEWS: U must figure out and resolve all these issues yourself! The GOOD NEWS: You're young and have all the time in the world to do it!

It seems the most vexing of your issues is with this "boy friend". I didn't read where u say you're gay or bi. Have u even accepted THAT yet? If not, that should be your first order of business! If u have already accepted that, then u need to have a discussion with your "boy friend" over drinks some time. He sounds like an accepting, open person. Whether or not he'll want to remain close after the "discussion", well, no one can predict that! But, at least that issue will be handled! And, u can move on to the next one! And, so on and so on. And, before u know it, you'll be an old fart like me. With wonderful memories, few or no regrets, and looking forward to the time u have left, as well as looking back on the life you've enjoyed!

There u have it grasshopper! Hope u took notes and enjoy your road ahead!

Hi Sherry. As far as being bi/gay, it's not as easy as that. The problem is that I have always fantasized about men since I began CDing. However, I would only think about guys when I was dressed and the thought of being with a guy in my male form grosses me out!!! And that has been consistent since day one. It's different with my friend though. You see, when I am living my day to day life as a male, I am opposite from how I am as a girl. I'm usually in control of everything, very calm, relaxed, composed, no fear, competitive, knowledge is power, and somewhat the Alpha male figure. I'm only about 5'7 (without heels hehe) but I was forced to try harder and be stronger than most, both mentally and physically. And I always succeed when I apply myself. My girl side tends to be an extreme opposite. I'm shy, scared, apprehensive etc etc. Now, here is the part that gets me. My friend and I are pretty close. Again, over 15 years of close friendship. I've had friends for longer periods of time but none with the capacity of him. I always thought of him as a soul mate, as friends, should it even exist. Lately, when ever I get around him, think of him, it's like a total breakdown for me. NO ONE ever makes me feel nervous, challenges me (mainly mentally but even though I only weigh about 135 but I can hold my own physically if in a fight) I wouldn't even think about challenging him. Point is, he breaks me down and wears me down and he does it on purpose. why? no clue. His personality just screams dominance. He just gets off on being himself. He respects me cause no matter how hard he tries, I challenge him to the core, keep him on his toes, point out his flaws, and cuss him out publicly and am never short of a good argument. Little does he know how tired I am of fighting. I just wanna let him take control and me watch. Thats it. I'm not like this with anyone else as a male. And again, this is a new feeling for me to feel towards any male. I can think about being with him as a man or woman. Pisses me off. He has a girlfriend. ugh. He cheats on her all the time though. To directly answer your question, I've been with 3 guys in the past. that was roughly 10 years ago. And only as Her. It's as though I'm a lesbian trapped in a males body. I'm guess you could say I'm definitely bisexual but I cannot justify for being gay for many reasons. I always have and always will want a girl to love more than a guy, no matter who. And there you have it. Hopefully I don't offend anyone cause I am not trying to. this is just me and I am a mess.

You talk how I feel and according to those in the know I have GID so you may want to consider talking to someone in the future when circumstances will allow for it because in my opinion when crossdressing is about identity it quickly takes over your life causing all kinds of havoc until you dive completely into the deep waters and swim to the other shore at least mentally if not physically.

Right now you refer to her as separate from yourself as if there is a struggle going on inside you for control between two different people, I went through that in my teens and early twenties and for me it was a scary place to be because I felt out of control as if I was suffering a form of addiction but it was the frantic search for my lost self.

Hope my words do not ruin the experience for you but I always worry for others when there are similarities between how they feel and how I did feel. I'm far from being free of those out of control feelings but I do have a certain calmness now and am less fearful about what was and is happening to me because I understand the deeper reasons and needs. You sound as scared as I was and at some point you will have to discover your natural equilibrium that will leave two people or one inside you.

Thanks Kelly. Your words are true and there is no ruining of any experience because of them. yes. this is how I feel. exactly. I can so naturally become this girl that it makes me hate my male form. I find myself having to try harder to be a male than a female. Not always, but enough. the feminine side of me seems to be taking over every single chance it gets and even though I can control it (i think) I am tired of fighting. I just want to give in. But it's not easy to let go of everything and become a girl nor would I want to stop living as a man. I really do enjoy the best of both. but i need to get her out of the house/car and be in public once and for all and ride that until the juicer stops juicing or at least calms down. I get pissed of at myself for lacking the courage to do this. I can be a soldier but i can't do this??? WoOoW. I really don't care whether this issue is classified medically because they have so many freakin names out there, if you have an itch they have a name. Bitch! possible side effects may include, nausea, headaches, swollen genitalia, and possible stroke. Thank you so much for your response and just reading and typing these issues out are methods of therapy for me.

Hi natacsha, you sound overwhelmed right now and to be honest, that's totally understandable.

From what I gather, reading between the lines (please correct me if I'm wrong), there is also some guilt attached in there too. Hard to really give full advice without knowing more; if that makes sense to you.

However, I think what would help you right now is if you try and separate each of the issues you've spoken of. Doing this, will allow you to see each feeling clearer. Instead of how it seems to be now with everything jumbled into each other. Seems to be just confusing you more.


Think of it like you'd make a list of things to do - kinda like a check list. Try to keep it in a brief point structure. When you've completed that task, you can then look at each issue separately.

I then suggest write it out, get what's in your head out on paper about your feelings on each of these issues. I find if I have a few problems going at once, when I write each one down, it takes it out of my head and places into reality. Kinda like a tangible feeling.


If you don't know how to start writing about each point, just start writing about anything. Believe me, the mind and it's subconscious has an uncanny means of connecting to what is your feeling and after about ½ to one page of what may look like total dribble to you, your true inner feelings will surface. Don't be alarmed if you end up writing 30 pages or more.





I'm not surprised.
When I was younger (in my 40's now), because of the guilt factor and all the other issues guys generally have with coming to terms with our transgender personalities, my Cding was like a yo-yo. At times, I would resist the urge to CD. However trying to fight against something that is essential a part of me, only caused more stress and unhappiness.

When Rececca finally got to play, she was out of control. Similar to your expression of, "blasting out of her cage".

It was not until I accepted all of me, including my female persona, that I truly began to heal and Rebecca became just another part of me - not a prisoner trapped behind bars.


In so far as the attraction to your male friend, that's something I can't give advice on, sorry. I can however; and am happy to do so, tell you a bit about me and maybe that might help you in the process.


Years ago I slept with a guy, not while in CD mode, but as a guy. Didn't rock my boat. However, I can't deny I don't get sexual feelings about others, be that M-F transgender people. Though, I have noticed the more I become conditioned to this, the wider this net gets thrown.

I can't say if I would or wouldn't right now have a sexual relationship with a guy when as Rebecca. But, I know if I distance myself from other activities I may enjoy online, it's likely this will lessen my thoughts of entertaining that idea.


The point I'm trying to make is, I don't know what you get up to when online. However if this need to be with a guy is carried with you regardless of anything else, then maybe you need to look at this too. Probably one good suggestion would be to make an appointment with a therapist who specialises in transgender issues, if, it's causing you to feel overwhelmed and confused on your sexuality level.

Hi Rebbecca! thanks for reading and sharing this. I do have guilt!!! Of course I do. I was born with a penis and I wish it was a vagina! I feel guilty cause I have built a great life as a man and she wants to tear it down and start over. Not easy. I still have 2 loving parents, a handful of great friends and hopefully a career that will begin as a nurse soon enough. Yea, from being a soldier to being a nurse. go figure. But a true testament to the perplexity of this problem. As for the computer part and what I do online? Nothing. I play scrabble, check mail, fb, and here. That's that. No need for me to lie but porn hasn't been in the equation for many years... It just doesn't do for me anymore and hasn't for a long time. Writing down 30 pages, on the other hand, does seem like a good thing to try so I will when i have the time to. maybe this week sometimes...but definitely before finals begin. I thank you again for hearing me out and feeding me back.

[natacsha]

I would like to point out something that I think people should know. I thinks its great that people are chiming in and giving me some really good feedback and I would love to thank you all for such wonderful responses. Please, for the sake of driving me nuts, understand that I am still fairly young and to those who are older and wiser I do ask this: many of you speak about wishing you could've changed or come out at a much earlier age. that's fine. But why didn't you? probably for the same reasons I haven't. so please don't make it seem like I have this marvelous choice that was never given to you. I don't.

[KellyJameson]

Natacsha you are not a coward and many find it easier to face death than an identity
crisis when you are referring to something as intimate as your body and whether others perceive you as a woman or man.

I have a certain respect for men who adopt the rigid roles assigned to them at birth because I would experience it as being put into a meat grinder that destroys the very things I most cherish about myself.

Coming from this place for you to step out into the world as a woman will shake you to your core and I would think the experience would be similar to standing in front of a firing squad but instead of your body being killed it is your identity.

I find it very interesting when men who have lived as men are able to do this because the experience is so contrary to who they are. Please move slowly and give yourself time to learn about and understand yourself.

Spend some time on the transexual section of this forum because most who have experienced the pain of dysphoria are very sympathetic to others who are looking for understanding of what is happening to them.

Seeing the contrasts between the crossdressers section and the transsexual section is an excellant way to learn about where you are at much like we learn about ourselves by the company we keep. I like men who crossdress because they are fun and I do not experience them as one dimensional as I do with most men but emotionally I resonate with transsexuals and always have.

Every life is the expression of the same thing, how to give meaning to something that seems so meaningless and the failure to address this problem creates endless suffering. Gender dysphoria can become a prision that stops you from living and it becomes critically important to be around those who may help you find the answers on how to give meaning to your life by learning who you are and what you want and need. In the beginning it seems hopeless but that is just the fear doing the talking, every journey begins with a single step.

And most importantly do not think about gender identity in sexual terms only because that will make understanding it much more difficult, there is gender identity and than there is sex and they can be blended in endless ways so your sexuality may give you clues about your identity but it does not define your identity, this added years of needless suffering to my own journey because I refused to accept I was transsexual because I did not approach sex in the ways my friends did who were also transsexual did.

We can learn from others but using them to define us is deadly.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Hmm you sound a bit similar to my plight, only I don't want men. But like you, I am stuck trying to be two people that don't wish to be the other.

As I see it, if your male half says no, then I suppose your girl half is out of luck. I mean, being intimate with a person tends to result in no clothes on, and as you have a male body, the second you are naked, you ain't quite so much a girl any more.

It is nice that your friend is likely to remain a friend whether you are male or female, but, I am not sure what you expect to be able to offer him intimately if neither of you is homosexual. I wonder if all the coincidents were him offering you a chance to say something.

It sounds though like your friend could be helpful if only to offer you a date's arm so you could let your girl go out on occasion with him along as company and support even if that was ALL he was expected to offer.

This comment "It's as though I'm a lesbian trapped in a males body." I am actually encouraged that I have not invented this notion. I too have had a lot of musings between the ears, but I have no interest in it moving to between my legs. I have had this day dream where I go out dancing and this person gets mean to me for being what I am, and he starts hurting me, and I start crying and then Leslie shows up and growls that no one hurts his girlfriend whereupon Leslie proceeds to take the man apart all the while dressed in my clothes. It leads to an interesting day in court where I try to convince the judge I never put the defendant in the hospital, my boyfriend Leslie did it, but he's not here right now.