How do you know what the line is between TV/TG/CD and wanting to actually be the opposite sex.
I discovered recentley how much I wanted to dress feminin when I gave into the temptation that id been.. urrm.. ignoring? for a long time. I have been struggling with a question of what I actually want, and sometimes i dont feel like its enough.
Beyond any 'sexual' effect it may have, I found that I enjoyed wearing the clothes a lot more once id gotten 'that' out of the way. Then i start feeling like what i have 'down there' shouldnt be... or rather i dont want it to be..
I have read a lot of sites and searched a lot about the subject of Transexual/Crossdresser and im finding it hard to come to any real conclusion. A post that i read in the MtF section the otherday really hit something when someone stated that they felt they were a male Lesbian. Ive felt that often but the idea seemed so silly that i dismissed it. What i mean by that is for instance, I don't ever imagine myself as a Guy with a women, I imagine myself as a women with a women. I can't really picture myself in a male role with a girl... I prefer to see myself in the same role.
The fact that i like girls, surley means i wouldnt want to be a 'girl' because people who want to transition feel they are female, and females like men. I want to know what the right reasons are (ive looked), but then are there really any 'right reasons' ? I mean if its something someone wants does their have to be a specific reason that everyone has to have to make it 'ok' ?
All i know is at the moment, I wish i could dress more, wear makeup (I cant do this without it being apparent to the people around me). I wish i could act like i wanted to act and i wish that i could discuss this with someone closer to me to sort of gage a reaction, but then its too late if the reaction is bad. I just don't know if im ready to face the kinda opposition this choice would bring -- also that it could make things a lot worse than better (between Family ect). Im also afraid that it may become too late for me to do anything if i keep putting it off, and that also 'doing nothing' could be a poor choice too.
I was looking at the things involved with people transitioning and the cost is scary. I don't think id be able to afford the SRS, and unless i can get HRT through the public healthcare service that wouldnt be an option either. With that, not being able to undergo SRS would leave me as a cross between a guy and a girl. I wouldnt 'go' with either catogory fully. There is also the question of relationships, not just with Family that might not like the idea of losing a son and gaining another daughter as it were but where exactley would i fit with relationships.
Even with SRS, If im going to be looking at other girls still that means id have to find more open minded girls (read lesbians) but they more than likley would not be interested because im not 'really' a girl -- Especially without SRS id imagine thats even worse. I don't like guys so that wont work and to straight girls i wouldnt be enough of a guy for them to be interested in either.
I keep reading about how these Male > Female transitions are not miricles and that guys will still look like guys more or less. The ones that do look passable are usually just as passable before any hormones or surgery...
The choices seem pretty grim to me. I can stay like i am now, maybe that will be enough .... or maybe it really wont and ill spend a lot of time wishing id done something. Or i could make that leap and try and go down this road and put lots of things at risk, not be able to afford to transition 'fully' anyway and cut myself off from most types of relationships...
I was hoping some MtF transexuals would drop me a message, to let me know what they have gone through and how they felt. Maybe i am just confused and i really dont want to transition but.. *sigh*