Don't think I'll ever get back.....

[Sometimes Steffi]

Karren,

"I" am a wife that would rather it be an affair or would rather it be a sport because THAT is something that can eventually END. This will never go away. And, wow, do we ever wish it would.

But, at times, I see my husband....as less than my husband. Why would I do this? Why would I see him as less than the most amazing person that I have ever met?

Because, he is my husband and he should REMAIN the most amazing person that I have ever met. Audrey isn't amazing to me. She is someone that comes around. She is someone that takes up a few hours of my time with my husband. I can't explain why I feel this way, I just feel it. There isn't anything that he could do to change it, we just have to hope that time and love will overcome all obstacles.

I hope time and love with overcome yours as well. I just have no way of helping either of us get there.

What I don't know is why you and other GGs/SOs don't see it as just clothes.

I have to admit, the first time my wife caught a glimmer of my CDing (when she found some of those plastic panty hangers that I neglected to throw out), I really thought about whether I would be in more trouble if I admitted that the panties on those hangers were for me or for someone (other than my wife) to whom I was attracted, as in an affair.

How can you feel more alone with a dedicated husband whose one flaw is that he CDs, than with a husband who is at the golf course every Sunday and even takes his clubs on vacation, or with a husband who is a serial adulterer?

I just don't get it. But, maybe it's me.

[MandyGG]

What I don't know is why you and other GGs/SOs don't see it as just clothes.

I have to admit, the first time my wife caught a glimmer of my CDing (when she found some of those plastic panty hangers that I neglected to throw out), I really thought about whether I would be in more trouble if I admitted that the panties on those hangers were for me or for someone (other than my wife) to whom I was attracted, as in an affair.

How can you feel more alone with a dedicated husband whose one flaw is that he CDs, than with a husband who is at the golf course every Sunday and even takes his clubs on vacation, or with a husband who is a serial adulterer?

I just don't get it. But, maybe it's me.

I don't really get it either! This is SO MINOR in the vastness of life! But it isn't just clothes! It is this need to express a feminine side, a feminine persona that I should be the only one in the relationship expressing. It isn't often that I feel these things, I felt them much more when I first found out, but they creep up every now and then.

99.999999% of the time, I am content, in love, and happy with my husband. So happy, that he could do no wrong in my eyes. But, when I feel like it is a problem I have learned to let it pass. It isn't worth arguing over, and it usually goes away by that evening. He never knows that I am having a mentally bad CD day. I just let them slide.

I don't really know how it is different than golf or a serial adulterer.... it just is. I guess society just embraces people like Tiger Woods.

[Jacqueline Winona]

karren, as someone who is also searching for that elusive acceptance, I know where you're coming form- if I knew the key to the magic kingdom of forgiveness and acceptance I'd copy it for you in a heartbeat. I just wish you the very best on this issue.

[Jenniferathome]

You know karen, you can't apologize forever. If you have done so sincerely already, then I think it is beyond just a trust issue.

[suchacutie]

Karren, I have been on this site for 6 years and I have always stopped to read what you write in any thread I've visited. Like many here, I've admired your balance and your approach to the two genders we live with. I'm so sorry your wife has not evolved completely in this same time.

Having said that, I see the issue in a bit of a different light. It's complicated, but the start of it is the trust issue, but not that you might "sneak" off and crossdress. To me it looks like the issue is "He's not been honest with me about his genders, what else is hiding behind all of that?" In other words, I strongly feel the she thinks there is another shoe to drop, that there is something else, or at least might be, and she can't shake that feeling. As has been said above, an affair can have an ending, living in two genders is not going away any time soon, no matter what clothes you wear. It's there as a constant reminder the "the other shoe might drop at any time".

All you can do is continue to reassure her that you are still the same person she married, and that there is no other issue. Over time, your honesty will have to eventually wear down her insecurities.

My best wishes,
tina

[Kate T]

What I don't know is why you and other GGs/SOs don't see it as just clothes.

I have to admit, the first time my wife caught a glimmer of my CDing (when she found some of those plastic panty hangers that I neglected to throw out), I really thought about whether I would be in more trouble if I admitted that the panties on those hangers were for me or for someone (other than my wife) to whom I was attracted, as in an affair.

How can you feel more alone with a dedicated husband whose one flaw is that he CDs, than with a husband who is at the golf course every Sunday and even takes his clubs on vacation, or with a husband who is a serial adulterer?

I just don't get it. But, maybe it's me.

You condemn yourself with your own words. The GG's have less issues with the dressing than they do with the constant excuses and lying and wondering whether the answer they are getting is the truth (see your comment regarding the panty hangers).

Karren,

I have no magic words for you. I have nothing to add that you haven't already heard or felt. I have nothing that will cleanse your soul and make you feel like better person or spouse....I am empty. What I can say it that this thread brought tears to my eyes. Why? Because every wife mentioned is me. "I" am your wife, that finds things and immediately questions what they are or wonders what took you so long. (10 mins, is a LOOOOONG time! No. Really, it is!) "I" am Kathi's wife that checks body parts and bank accounts and calls during work hours. "I" am a wife that would rather it be an affair or would rather it be a sport because THAT is something that can eventually END. This will never go away. And, wow, do we ever wish it would.

I can't tell you WHY we feel this, and wouldn't you think that another wife would be able to explain it! That is the worst part of it all for me!

I look at you, Kimberly, Kathi, Brandy, and all of the wonderful and amazing CD'ers that this site has blessed me with getting to know, and I am full of pride and hope for each one of you. I see past your CDing, and I see the wonderful men that you are. I see brilliance and humor that make each one of you so unique. So very special.

But, at times, I see my husband....as less than my husband. Why would I do this? Why would I see him as less than the most amazing person that I have ever met?

Because, he is my husband and he should REMAIN the most amazing person that I have ever met. Audrey isn't amazing to me. She is someone that comes around. She is someone that takes up a few hours of my time with my husband. I can't explain why I feel this way, I just feel it. There isn't anything that he could do to change it, we just have to hope that time and love will overcome all obstacles.

I hope time and love will overcome yours as well. I just have no way of helping either of us get there.

Mandy

You continue to absolutely amaze me with your depth of sincerity and genuine compassion and care for others. I think you are one of the few who possibly could (and I suspect does) produce magical words that help to overcome those terrible obstacles.

[docrobbysherry]

Karren, I'm sorry! I truly am!

Relationships can be complicated. They're ALL basically the same but, entirely different as to the details!

Respect and trust r EARNED! Once you've lost them in the eyes of your SO, it may be difficult to get them back! One thing I learned from my marriage, the SO must WANT to respect and trust u again!

If they don't wish to, there's not much u can do about it!

That's NOT a relationship I could stay in! THAT'S why I'm so sorry for u BOTH! Neither of u will be happy until u get past this! Have u considered counseling? Sounds like a long shot. But, could be your last chance at happiness!?

[Chickhe]

Ah...the trick is to stand up for yourself. Depends on your character, what you can get away with, but for something like the suitcase, you could have said..."what do you mean? (play dumb)"...everytime she makes some innuendo, you ask her to elaborate...so much that she gets tired of mentioning it... doing that puts all the effort on her to spell it out, and I gaurantee she won't want to do it. Or try the direct humorous approach..."Nope...my breastforms wouldn't fit in there!!!".

[Mimi]

Karren--thank you for trusting us enough to let your shields down and open up. I hope that at some point your SO will be able to get beyond this, and see you as the good person that you are. Clearly you love her and it pains you that she won't trust you or accept you. I'm so sorry that she isn't able to see this.

[JulieK1980]

I'm very sorry, I wish I had an easy answer to fix it all for you!

[lauren_m]

Wow, Karren, I hope the outpouring of support you've received here has helped, even if only a little. You're such a positive and (intentionally) amusing force here that I assumed, for some reason, that Karren was a major part of your home life, and that everything was bright and happy. This is yet another reminder to me that we don't always know the baggage others are carrying, and shouldn't make baseless assumptions. I join with the others here in wishing you well, and in offering whatever support, in whatever form, I can provide.

[christinac]

My thoughts and prayers are with you!!

[WifeofWrenchette]

Karren,

Try to get home earlier and try to spend more time with your wife reassuring her that you love her and the other shoe is not going to drop. Counseling could be beneficial. I know I went through a rough patch with my husband and it just took time for me to trust him again. It is something that can be rebuilt if your wife is willing to work at it with you.

good luck

[WifeofWrenchette]

This is EXACTLY the reason I told my wife LONG before we were married. To avoid the misery and pain of hiding out and being 'found out' later on down the road when the damage is magnified by the constant lies and coverup. Deceit, once manifested, is impossible to ignore.

Good for you, way to go!

Well, at least you get to play some hockey. She hasn't ruled that out of your life yet. Only you can determine if that trust is recoverable, but her querry re:granny's old typewriter in the black suitcase was friggin' hilarious!

LOL, yes it was!

[Kate Simmons]

Don't I know this Karr. After I originally told her, it was never the same for me again. She was obsessed when anything didn't seem to "click" as if It was all about CDing. In my case, she eventually left, especially after I went out in public dressed and had joined the Renaissance TG Organization. The thing is I figured if I was getting accused of doing something, I may as well be open about it when I did. That was a lose/lose situation for both of us. I've vowed never to let something like that happen ever again.

[TGMarla]

I'm very fortunate in that even though I violated her trust in not telling her before we married, she's come to realize that other than the fact that I crossdress, I'm pretty much exactly what I appear to be. What she sees and what she's come to know is what she gets. That was my only secret. Now, I hope this is truly the case, because I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. One day, she'll come home unexpected, and I'll be all dressed up. What then? I just hope I'm wearing something really pretty.

Hang in there, Karren. It's a tough row to hoe, this whole crossdressing thing. I guess in a way, we never asked for it; it just found us and never let go.

Oh...and to all you ladies who take the "why get all upset over it - it's just clothes!" route.......

It's NOT just clothes. If it was just clothes, we wouldn't be buying wigs and fake boobies, now would we? Wives very often see this as just plain wierd, and I really don't blame them at all.

[Marie-Elise]

Karren,

First, I am sorry to read that. That is a tough situation.

My thought is that you can only do so much; it takes both sides to make it work. It appears you are doing what you can.

Trust is a hard thing to regain. I think your actions and honesty will see you through. Let your actions and words speak to your worthiness of being trusted. The rest is up to her.

[Laura912]

As one attuned to fixing things, I really want to fix this for you...but simply do not know how. Maybe time will eventually do it.

[Rogina B]

I have it really good but I will say that life is way too short to not be able to be yourself..You have health issues,you are a good provider,husband and father...why the heck won't she cut you some slack?

[bobbimo]

Karren,

"I" am Kathi's wife that checks body parts and bank accounts and calls during work hours. "I" am a wife that would rather it be an affair or would rather it be a sport because THAT is something that can eventually END. This will never go away. And, wow, do we ever wish it would.

I can't tell you WHY we feel this, and wouldn't you think that another wife would be able to explain it! That is the worst part of it all for me!
.

Thanks Maggi!
That's why i love the GG insight here. It may be hard to listen to the views of the loved ones we affect, but its vital for all of us in understanding and accepting.
There are many of us Cd''s that wish it would end. Purges be damned, but your right it all comes back. and wont end.
For me, this has changed my life. I have lost weight, started taking care of my skin, and pay much better attention to this body than I ever did as just plain Bob. I can look in the mirror and smile. That's no small feat for me either. And I'm gonna get into that size 10 no matter what it takes!
I think I have had an effect on my wife for the better too. In my exploration to discover Bobbi, I try all different types of makeup and clothing that she never would. And since we are almost the same size for most of our clothes, she get to try out different styles that she would never buy also. I just love to feel pretty. And really wish I could go about my everyday life as Bobbi, with no fear of embarrassing my self or the ones I love and care for. As it is I am very lucky that I can be as much Bobbi as I want at home, and whne the car needs fixing. Bob comes to the rescue.
Phew That was a long one.
Any way, the bottom line is the we love you, our wives and SO's. And thanks for putting up with us.

[Ally 2112]

My heart also goes out to you Karren .It seems as if you have appoligised and been honest wth your wife .Now it is time for her to give you a chance again.I hope it all works out .PS i do love your posts

[Cheryl T]

That's the odd thing about trust...It takes so long to build it up and it's shattered in moments.

Good luck Karren...

Why not try getting home ten minutes early ??

[Karren H]

I'm really truly overwhelmed by everyone's concern and comments. I'm down at one of the mines today so I haven't had a chance to read everything and comment accordingly.

[Contessa]

Usually I read through all the replies to the post or question, then either move on or post a reply myself. But it doesn't do any good to do that all the time. Everyone wants marriage to work. They don't always And most time they end in the "D" word. You can throw money and counseling at it and that doesn't always work. You have to make a few decisions now start by talking and then contemplating and more talking then make a few decisions. Or you can dwell in it and be miserable.

Just remember this if you want to Your humor can get you through this. I think in my situation it has for me. I have tried to use humor here to but I am not as good at it as you Karren. I use a bet more silly cheeky stuff. It is not always funny. But yours really makes us laugh and think. Don't do anything without talking first! You can see we all love you and believe whatever you do decide it will be right for you.

Sincerely
Tess

[Kathi Lake]

. . . I can't tell you WHY we feel this, and wouldn't you think that another wife would be able to explain it! That is the worst part of it all for me!

. . . I can't explain why I feel this way, I just feel it.

And that is kind of how we feel. Many times, you ask us, "Why do you do/feel this? Why do you want to dress like a woman and go out into the world?" Our answer? I can't tell you why. It's just how we feel. Would everything change if we could articulate our thoughts and desires? Perhaps not. So, since neither of us can come up with compelling reasons on why we feel that way we do, how about if we just love each other through it? Deal?



Kathi