I want to understand

[Lesley_Roberta]

I have yet to wear, and unsure if that is in my future or not.

So many talk about the anxiety of going out in female clothing while in a male body. To me I suffer the reverse effect as I feel like a female cross dressing in male clothing and simply don't need to work on the illusion to look male.

I feel out of place and awkward looking at myself in the mirror. The more female I make myself appear, the more it compares with reduction of female clothing in the minds of anyone looking at me. Wearing just one article of male attire to my mind, is the same as wearing just one article of female clothing in the minds of our community's CD crowd.

Right now I have not one vestige of female anything to me, so I feel like I am cross dressing completely as a man. Going unshaved, that is to me putting on male make up. Wearing a typical male ball cap, that is to me the same as a frilly scarf.

Everything to me, is just the reverse. This morning the wife had my male half do the usual male thing in the morning. As I see it, that was no different than going out on the town en femme to a CDer.

Every time my friends treat me like a guy, I feel the same way a CDer feels when they get treated like a guy. I suppose that is the only time a CDer and I feel the same way.

[ronda]

i have been dressing for over 60 years i dressed as early as 3 it is something that i can not stop doing i have tried many times i quit drinking i quit smokeing both just put it down and did not do it again this i can not stop i was born this way i know it is not easy for you to understand but your husband is the same person you married you just know him a little better now if you can find it in you to except him as he is his love for you will only get stronger this i know from my own experience.

[Sandra1746]

Perhaps using an analogy of eating would be more useful. Yes, eating is a requirement for life so we all must eat; but what to eat? A healthy life could be made with plain tofu and steamed vegetables. However day after day it would get really boring. Add a few spices or some meat and dairy foods and meals get more interesting.

I liked Nathalie's comments on the variety of clothing that women can wear but are generally off limits to men. Skirts and dresses are a good start. Now we get into the old thread of, "if women can wear pants why can't guys wear skirts?"

The real reason we cross dress is as varied as the population here, we all have a slightly different reason. For me it is an enjoyment of the "nicer" clothing with pretty colors and the accessories. I also find that dressing gives me a sense of relaxation and peace. Any sexual connection has long since vanished, I'm 66. As for it being a "destructive behavior"; I fail to see how that happens given any number of other alternative behaviors.

I dress because I enjoy it and I plan to continue.

Hugs,
Sandra1746

[Alayna]

Hi Marie, I hope I'm not confusing things for you but I think framing the answer around a popular misconception helps a lot in attempting an answer to this question - and I do mean "attempt". Basically we as a culture tend to forget that Gender, Sex, and Sexuality are completely different things, and the Gender part gets especially confused with sex because we assume that two sexes means two genders, but if you look outside Western culture that is often not the case - some societies recognize up to five or even more unique genders with specific cultural roles. From a Western perspective gender identity is kind of like a political spectrum. Some dress purely for sexual reasons, some see it as stress release, emotional comfort, a release from feeling trapped in the wrong body, some/all of the above and more...the personal reasons are endless. It's not a perfect answer, or even one that everyone here will agree with, but thinking from this perspective I hope provides a little insight

[kristinacd55]

Which came first? The chicken or the egg? For me, there's a desire and a need to cd. Last night, I was at a club dancing and looking at the different relationship types around the dance floor. Lesbians, gay's, tg's and a small token few herero's! I thought to myself, what is their motivation for the way they are?? Everyone's got a story of desire and need that's led them to the point they're at this moment and it's all good!
I started when I was about 5 so it's the desire/need is deeply ingrained in me and part of my makeup....

[Raychel]

Hmmmmm, It it a need or a desire? Very good question.

I guess for me it is a little of both. When I come home from a long day at work, all greasy and dirty. Nothing feels better then to get all cleaned up and get into some nice womens clothes.

Just like my wife can't wiat to get out of her daily dress clothes and get into some Jeans or sweat pants. I spend my day in a work uniform. Can't wait to get out of that into something more comfortable.

So need or desire, can't really say, It is not a matter of life and death that I dress. Although sometimes when I don't get to dress it feels like part of me is dying. So I guess I don't NEED to dress. More desire to be comfortable in how I am dressed.

I guess that about says it.

[Beverley Sims]

When very young, satisfying a sexual desire.
When in my teens to now I looked like a weedy boy.
There was not much attention from girls.
When I dressed I looked like a blond bombshell.
I got attention from the girls that I desired because they wanted to know my secret.
I was not recognized by the boys and I could fend them off with a withering comment anyway.
From about 25 onwards it slowly goes downward. Body shape and facial features changed so now I can get sprung.
There is satisfaction in looking attractive to others wether presenting male or female.
As a male I work for money, as a female I can have a better life.

[sissystephanie]

At age 80, and having been a CD since age 6, I am probably one of the older CD's on this forum. Like a lot of other CD's, I dress simply because I like to! I like the fit, feel, and look of feminine clothing so that is what I prefer to wear! But there is no NEED to do so!!

[Rebecca W.]

Dear Marie,

I dress because I have a deep inner desire to be feminine. Crossdressing exposes that inner desire to be a woman and the sensation of being dressed completes my release of my inner feelings. I have tried so many times to repress my desires to dress and they all have failed. Please embrace her when she dresses as this will create a deeper lasting bond between both of you. Dressing as any gender is and has always been about how you feel inside and it brings out your ability of self expression.
Maybe someday in this world how you dress would be looked upon as someone expressing their true inner feelings not about how non-conforming they appear.
Let her be herself and you will see who she really is.

Hugs,

[S. Lisa Smith]

Hi Marie,

I am 51 years old and have cross-dressed all my life. I am what would be described as the "text book" heterosexual cross-dresser. For us, dressing as a woman is a need not a desire and having our wife's support and/or understanding is crucial for our well being an happiness. It is my understanding that we are born CD and it is not a learned thing as is in the case with fetishes. I have memories of sneaking into my mother's closet to try some of her clothes on that go as far back as when I was about 3 years old. The need to dress has not gone and it was a source of discomfort because I did not know what was going on and used to feel guilty until I learned how things work and accepted myself.

My wife is understanding and has known since before we started dating. She is not thrilled about it but since she knows what it means to me and loves me enough to accept me as I am, she lets me express this need within certain rules that we have agreed on. I understand that it is impossible for other people to understand this "bizarre" impulse and need since it deals with issues associated with sexuality. A heterosexual CD is not gay nor does he wants to become a woman. I guess it would be easier to understand if we fell into one of this two categories but we don't. We tend to be more loving, loyal and faithful husbands.

I hope this sheds some light on you. I have just become a member of this forum but have had over 30 years of experience investigating and dealing with this. Please feel free to contact me if you need me to clarify or elaborate on something that I have said.

I agree. This is essentially my story, except I'm 62 and I told my wife about 18 years ago, long after we were married...but our relationship concerning me being a CD is essentially the same as Cristy's.

[BRANDYJ]

Hi Marie. Let me take a stab at this. Need or desire. Good question. If it was simply a desire, I think many of us would not continue to dress though out our adult life. I think I have a NEED to dress to fill a DESIRE to dress born out of an early compulsion started as a young boy that noticed the differences between girls and boys, or men and women. I looked at girls and women in awe of their beauty. Like so many things we as boys did, we emulated or played pretend. I liked the Lone Ranger, Roy Rogers and other heros from the weekly TV series of the time. So we dressed as cowboys and Indians, strapped on our six shooters and mounted out pretend horses. We also played with the neighborhood girls. Of course they wanted to play house. Some of us were either talked into playing the mom, or wanted to play the mom. We so admired the girls and the dresses they wore, that we wanted to experience house play from their side. We never outgrew that need to role play as one of our heroes. Those "heroes" we wanted to pretend to be, happen to be the girls and women that touched our life. Some how, for some reason that we were to young to understand, we tried on an article of clothing that our heroes wore. For some of us, going through puberty, with hormones beginning to interest us even more in the object of our hormone driven desire, began to have sexual feelings for girls. The feel, the softness and difference in how the clothes fit drove us even more. We pretended to be the object of our desire. Our earliest masturbation experience may have included wearing a slip, bra and dress. So we continued experiencing these new found feelings and became hooked for life with no conscious choice.
To ask if it's a need or a desire is almost like asking if having sex is a need or a desire. So I conclude that it's a desire that controlled deep within our subconsciousness. So we dress and emulate women because we have the desire born out of a need. Or is it we dress and emulate women because we have a desire born out of a need? All I know is, it isn't going away. It hasn't for some 50 years for me.
Funny thing is, that while in pre-puberty, puberty and teen years, early twenties, I dressed so infrequently that in was not much more then an every now and then fetish. Of course back then, pre-Internet days, I thought I was the only one and did not even have a name for what I did.Never gave it a thought as to whether or not it was a need or a desire.

[Marie GG]

Hi Marie, welcome to this place.

I won't answer your question (I'm a GG), but I want to say that we have a varied membership here, from crossdressers to transsexuals and everyone else in between. Although you've asked your question in the crossdressing section, all of our members are free to post in every forum section, and so if in some of the responses it appears as if the members identify more as women, this is because they are closer to the transsexual end of the spectrum than the crossdressing end. Please keep this in mind as you read all the answers. You're new and although it can be somewhat confusing at first, there is a difference between people who will never plan to transition, and people who do or who might.

That said, carry on folks!

Good point Reine. I did not mean to exclude anyone! I am really interested in everyone's responses. I think that for some reason it is easier for me to understand when someone wants to transition or dress full time than it is for me to understand a part time cross dresser like my husband. For that reason I am especially curious about those who do not plan to transition, if that makes sense. But like I said I am interested in everyone's reasons.

Thanks again to everyone for your responses

[Cheryl T]

I wondered that for many years. It took me decades to become comfortable with all this and to realize that this is just who I am. It's not something I do for fun, it's not done to shock anyone. Part of me is just female and the only way I am comfortable expressing that is by being me...

[DMichele]

Why do I wear feminine clothes? Is it a need? A desire? How about it is second nature to my being?

I am no scientist nor do I have a medical background, but I believe as a crossdresser, transexual or transvestite - it is part of who we are (as has been previously stated by others). In essence, we are 'born this way'.

To the best of me recollection, I started exploring wearing girls clothing when I was about 8 or 9 years old - very similar to others. What triggered that exploration - I have no idea.

My technical background asks - what prompted the need to explore? I suspect that part of my need to explore was a natural process. Little is known about the cause of why we crossdress, etc, but there has been some recent research/findings that indicate variations in the brain of transgender individuals. From this I lean towards a theory that we are all customed built from our sex, physical aspects (height, eye and hair color, et al), genetics, and internal 'programming', which includes our gender identity. I believe the latter is reponsible for intiating the exploring of feminine clothing.

Today, some 50 years later, it feels natural to continue to explore or 'do things in a different way' than the typical male. Women's clothes (all of it so far) feels natural and in most cases, fits me better than men's clothing. (Note: I am very statuesque - 6'7" and have a small frame). I wear panties everyday, keep my nails polished, shave my underarms and legs, but I refrain from wearing a bra and women's jeans and tops to work. However, when I arrive home from work and on weekends, I wear women's clothing. It is very doubtful that I'll ever go out though.

So why do I do it? It's a natural extension of my being. Now if only medical science could verify this theory and society could accept it, life would be so much better for the TG community. TG-ism is not the end of the world as there are far worst issues that need to be addressed.

Just my thoughts.

[tiffanythecd2001]

i started at 5 when mom showed the ways of little girl and i loved it ever since, been dressing ever since and i like too give out tips too the newbies too that need help or know's what work's for me hug's Tiffany

[NicoleScott]

Marie, I'm a part-time dresser, and I do it because certain items, as well as the complete transformation, excite me sexually. I like being a man, and all the things men do (hobbies, sports, father, husband, etc.), but I enjoy dressing up occasionally. However, understanding why I dress probably won't help you understand why your husband dresses. I leveled with my wife when I told her, and she knows what drives me, to what extent I dress, how far I want to take it (and not take it), and answered her typically-asked questions: gay? - no, Become a woman? - no, etc. Just a guy who likes to dress sometimes. So, ask your husband to lay it all out for you. If you want to understand him -ask him.

[Marleena]

I find it very refreshing when a GG wants to understand their CD husband. You are to be commended for that Marie!

The best advice I can give is to talk it out with your SO because all of us are at different places with this. Many things here do not and will not apply to your SO. The ladies in the FAB section will help a lot too.

[cassandra54]

everyone has different reasons. i can only speak about mine and it's pretty simple. my makeup as a male is such that my masculinity and femininity are pretty much equal. i was born with male parts and have lived all my life as a male and rather enjoyed it. i don't feel conflicted about my masculinity nor do i feel i am a woman trapped in a man's body.

i've also become aware through this site and other research that there is nothing really unhealthy about dressing. it's not a fetish, or a sickness and really the only thing that may be a drawback is how family members, friend or society view or accept it. but trust me the tides are turning daily and i do believe that one day, seeing men dressed in women's clothing everywhere you go, may be commonplace.

however self-awareness has shown me that i can and do enjoy express a feminine personality and ultimately a feminine appearance. so as a result i get to enjoy my life both as a man and a man who appears to be a woman. and along with that, being passable, and dressing in a way that is appropriate for who i would be as a woman is very important. so i dress completely or not at all. male mode means male underwear and so on.

there's one other benefit that i think is really cool. i have a choice now to look like a middle aged man, or a lady. i think the lady is more appealing and far more attractive.

one last thing. while i have an extensive wardrobe and all the things that go along with it, i don't really feel a compulsion to dress. whenever i have the time to dress and become cassandra, it's all good.

hope this helps.

[Tina B.]

Marie, I'm an old CD, I've been dressing since I was 6 years old, at least the the first memory I'm sure of. I don't know why I did it that first time, to long ago to remember, but after a lifetime, I can say it's not a choice for me, it goes beyond a simple need, it's a compulsion, that demands I dress. if I fight it and try to be a man's man, I wind up depressed, filled with rage, become a very argumentative person, and generally find life very unsatisfactory. If I dress when needed, I am a very happy go lucky kind of guy, fun to be around, thoughtful, and caring. So I not only like me better when I dress, so does my wife. Since I've been retired a few years now, I dress a lot, because I can, and I am happier than I've ever been. Which makes the wife's life happier too.
Tina B.

[Debglam]

Hi Marie,

Reine's post really nails it. We, including your SO, are all different. For me, I know I was born this way. If your SO is just openly dealing with this for the first time, it will probably take her some time to figure out where she fits on the scale and whether it is a need or a desire. I know for me, it was stressful not "knowing" myself and trying to explain all of this to my wife at the same time.

Debby

[Brenda Freeman]

Hi Marie, for me I used to think it was a desire and I thought that I was bad for doing it! as I got older I learned it was both, a desire and need and as I look back it was always there ever since since I was a young boy. Cannot say why but it really makes me feel wonderful and complete. I love my wife and family and hid it until I turned 50, it suddenly hit me so hard my emortions were all over the place and stress levels through the roof. I talked to my wife about it she was scared at first probably fear of what I might do next or that others might find out. We both agreed that neither of us wanted it to change our situation in the community family etc. She has accepted my feminine side and trusts me to enjoy it without outing myself to our friends family etc.. My wife said if it makes me happy then I should do it. I feel so lucky for two reasons First my wife accepted me even though it was a shock after 25 years of marriage, and no I did not keep a secret or lie I really thought I could live with out it, wrong, and second I am lucky in that I am a croosdresser and my need to dress is satisfied with occasional dressing up a couple times a month and we are both happy and comfortable with that. I know the need to dress and everything elses runs from occasional to always to hormones etc. We have as much diversity as any group of people. I think it is wonderful you ask and are on this forum, it means you care and want to understand, I hope this forum helps you! I still don't understand it myself, but I know it makes me feel like a whole person and much happier in life.

[eileendover]

Let's face it: you women have the real of expressing yourselves through any number of things, maybe we want some of that too:...

You girls have all the freedom, and society expects that from you.
I want a piece of it too....without the social stigma.

I want to see what it's like in the GIRLS ONLY club. For me, it's less of a need and more of a desire, but I am very frequently thinking about my next opportunity to dress up.

[Jenniferathome]

. I used to be a smoker so that is the easiest way for me to understand a compelling urge to do something even if sometimes you don't want to.

Marie, the difference with crossdressing and your analogy is that we didn't dress and then became hooked. We, most CDers anyway, were born hooked.

Regarding the few comments on "variety" as a reason to CD, I don't buy that at all. While there can be no doubt that women's clothes offer more variety, that only gives a crossdresser more choices but not a reason to CD.

[cdtraveler]

I too started very young and I asume found soft things comforting and pleasurable. Not sure I'll ever know why - or that it matters, though I understand why you'd want to try and figure it out. I like women's clothing and make up - as most soft things in our society are female oriented and it gives me great pleaure to feel those things on me and see myself in them. I have a need/desire to express myself sometimes as a girl but love most of the guy things about me too. Just got tired of trying to deny one side of me that needed me to love and accept it. Bottom line, I'm a damn fine Dad (others tell me this) and a loving and caring husband ( my spouse tells me) and successful businessman and dressing will never change any of those facts. Am also blessed that my wife loves and accepts me and I love her more than I ever thought possible since she learn of and has been trying too to accept this side of me ....even as she admits she may never understand it. So if you can see enough good in him, can find some boundries regarding the dressing that you can both live with and are willing to periodically be open to negociating those mutual boundries , I think that's a blessing on both of you.

[Karinsamatha]

I am a late bloomer so to speak. over the last two years it has become painfully apparent that I am much closer to the transsexual end of the spectrum. For me dressing helps align my mind - womans to my body male. I have found if I don't do this my stress levels go through the roof. I need to have my body reflect my mind as much as possible.
This only applies to me not everyone else on this form.