Husband is visiting...

[Tina B.]

Yes, we're separated, but he doesn't want a divorce, any time I bring it up he tells me I'm stressing him out and he doesn't want to talk about it. Yet, talks negatively about me to his friends & co-workers...?

Should I tell him I know and that I don't care or should I just try to act natural (which will be hard for me to do imagining him wearing my clothes when I'm at work)

Perplexed, I don't know you or your husband, but my wife and I where having trouble with the marriage, it sounds a lot like yours, until we had that talk. We separatedarated at the time we finally talked, and I told here all there was to tell, we got back together that very day, and have lived happily ever since, and that was almost 36 years ago, so talking can help. His anger could be pefrustrationtrtion from a life of hiding who he feels he really is, it's not an easy thing to live with, until you come to terms with it. If you want to try again, the talk may help, if you really want to put up with the time it takes for a lot of us to break down and be that honest about something we have hidden from all the world, all of our lives. Many CD's live in a constant state of fear, over being found out, and I'm afraid it can effect all other parts of our lives. For your kids sake, I hope you are clear about what you are trying to do, and confessonfuss the boy.
Tina B.

[Wonderwho]

Why is he talking negatively about you to friends and coworkers, and then coming over to stay at your place? I would call him out on THAT. Maybe staying at a hotel would improve his manners.

First things first, there is no way he should stay at your place. April is right, maybe he needs to get manners adjusted then let him know thar what goes around comes around. Dont let him bad mouth you then want to make sweet.
Wonderwho

[Jill Devine]

How much of his behaviour might have been driven by his hiding this part of himself from you - and possibly from himself too?

Bingo!

Let's not underestimate the huge impact of fear and shame of hiding a deep dark secret. It can lead to anger and withdrawal as a coping strategy. To be clear, I am NOT condoning his past behavior. Sounds like he has been a crappy husband. But there's perhaps a reason why has been this way.

My advice: tell him you know and that you still love him regardless. Then see where it goes. You might be pleasantly surprised!

I am talking from experience. Years ago when I was hiding and sneaking, I became a real jerk. I took my stress out on the family. I am ashamed to even admit that. When my wife accepted me and I went public, I found more peace and did become a better husband. Perfect? No, but muuuuuch better.

Tell him you know. Be gentle. Don't judge. And see where it goes. You have little to lose and lots to gain!

[ReineD]

Should I tell him I know and that I don't care or should I just try to act natural (which will be hard for me to do imagining him wearing my clothes when I'm at work)

I've just caught up on your older thread here and it sounds as if you'd like some closure.

In your last thread you were looking for possible answers as to why your husband was so mean to you, and I get the impression you wanted to figure out if having kept the CDing under wraps and the pressure that goes along with this might have caused the demise of your relationship somehow.

Several CDers responded, and I agree with them, that pressures resulting from being in denial over, or being afraid to tell you about the CDing, does not need to lead to abusive behavior. In other words, your husband can well have issues that are deeper than the CDing.

Do you still love him? Do you still harbor hopes that he will resolve his issues and if he does, he will again become the man that you knew and loved before?

If you are trying to answer these questions for yourself, then you do need to tell him what you know (with assurances that you're OK with the CDing), together with telling him how you felt over the abusive behaviors that he had engaged in before you left, to see if he will acknowledge his part of the responsibility in your breakup. And until you do this, I WOULD NOT leave the decision to sleep together up to him. I would tell him that he needs to sleep in the guest room until the two of you have put everything out on the table and hashed it all out.

And if you don't love him any more, then the two of you need to move on from one another romantically so that you can both be free to pursue relationships with more compatible partners, and if this is the case there is no reason to sleep together.

[Brigid]

I would let him know that you know that he is CDing. Maybe it will cause him to deal with it. I know without a forum like this I would have been a casualty. The unnecessary guilt causes you to do stupid things. This maybe why he is into porn. It could be that it validates his maleness and proves to himself that he's not gay. Anyway porn does not belong in a marriage. Maybe if he accepts his CDing, he can deal with those parts of his life that is causing him to be a bad husband and father. Just my thoughts and I'm no expert. Good luck either way.

Hugs,
Brigid

[Brenda79135]

If he must stay with you during this time, he should stay in the guest room. This will inforce in him that he is separated from you. Don't let him walk in and think you are a push over and he can do anything he wants to you. The time spent at your home should be a technology free zone. No computer, tv, cell phone. This will tell him there is a problem between the two of you. this will also start to foster conversation between the two of you. If he can't follow these rules then maybe a motel would be better for him.

As for telling him that you know, that would be on his temper. From what I I have read, he has not grown up yet and is acting as a spoiled brat that needs to get his way all the time. He needs to start taking responseability for his actions and not expect anybody but himself to pick up the pieces when things go wrong. You are a person who has taken responsability for yourself and your child. You need to look out after yourself and your child and not let him upset the life you are building for yourself. If he continues to bad mouth you behing your back, you have his fear of being found out as leverage against him. This may make things worse between the two of you, but in war and love, anything goes. I wish you the the best of luck with this.

Brenda

[kimdl93]

Be honest with him about what you know. And your opinions on the subject. On he subject of your marriage, is divorce inevitable? If not it seems that the two of you need to talk openly about what was going wron. That may be easier with a counselor.

[jillleanne]

Your call on that one. me personally, I'd tell him I know, I couldn't give a hoot, and expect the divorce papers in the mail on Monday, like it or not. It affects your life and if you want a divorce, get one!!! And tell him to bring his own clothing if he expects to dress. You're clothing is off limits!!!!

[mykhelee]

I would be careful concerning the benefits as a reason to stay married. Because you have lived apart for so long the insurance company could easily balk at paying a large claim from you. The courts may or may not hold him as the financially responsible party. Being on his insurance while living apart due to "differences" can also be considered insurance fraud according to the laws in some states...be careful...here in MI it is considered abandonment after thirty days.

Put a lock on your bedroom door and show him the way to the guestroom...the whole CD thing really doesn't matter, your self esteem does.

If you want the divorce get it...I paid for every bit of both of my divorces...I retained the attorney, I filed. It comes down to what you want to do that is right for you...staying married while living so far away that he has to stayover is not going to get you further down the road to a restart for your life.

[Babeba]

Perplexed,

I want to let you know that I feel really badly for the bad situation you are in, and I think you have a lot of grace in dealing with this situation. I'm not going to lie, the situation with your husband has made me irritated, and the posters above me who are talking about how fun it would be for you to take him shopping or show him a skirt and say you've always wanted to see him in one definitely don't help, because they are projecting their OWN fantasies for their OWN lives on your situation and that's totally inappropriate. So be warned, this is a grumpy post!

Your husband sounds like a bit of a dog, and so I think you need to treat him as such. Talk to him in 'dog language' -- with actions that show that this is YOUR turf.

First, he may be staying at your place - but it is YOUR PLACE, not his. He isn't paying for it and living there full time, you are. When it comes time for him to come in the first time, show him around to the places he will be allowed: the living room, the spare room, the bathroom, the kitchen (whatevs) but leave your room and your son's room OFF LIMITS. Don't show them to him. You take HIM around to show him things, and take your time enough with it to really emphasize that is what you are doing. I definitely agree with the lock on the closet idea, as well. You don't need to be thinking about him trying on your things while you were at work. (I would make sure that your bathroom, your laundry room, etc. are free of your clothing as well. If he makes a comment about it, you can make the comment right back, "why do you care where my clothing is?"/"I would hope you would ask permission before wearing anything of mine.")


If he makes ANY comments about wanting to sleep together, well, tell him that wasn't the point of this visit and there is a lot that needs to be resolved in this relationship first. If he gets pissed off about that - well, if you sleep with him then you would be teaching him that getting pissed off at you = him getting laid and you're setting a bad precedent. Also, with the amount of unresolved issues in your relationship, if he gets pissed off about you wanting to resolve things before sex? He is wanting to use you to get off, not wanting to make love as two souls joining.

I don't think there is no hope left, as TinaB says her relationship was much like this but they were able to resolve it - but right now, there are a hella big number of manipulation issues that have nothing to do with crossdressing, believe you me. They need to be dealt with before ANYTHING POSITIVE can happen in this relationship.

Oh, and it goes without saying that the trash talking you to people needs to STOP. Yesterday. You are a kind woman, and a good mother - and you DO NOT DESERVE HIS SHIT. If you think you still could love him and be happy there (realistically, if the relationship breaking bullshit stops FOR GOOD) and you would be proud with your son growing up to be that sort of man with that rolemodel around) then you have a place where you can talk from - but I really feel like with him refusing the divorce, he wants you back more than you really want to be there and keep that in mind when you bring up coming back and what needs to change. If you think that you can't deal with his shit (which he hasn't even told you about all of it yet!) then DTMFA!

[Stephanie47]

My two cents is to let your husband know he is a cross dresser. At least, if that little secret (actually the big elephant in HIS room) is destroying him, get it out of the way. If cross dressing does not disturb you, and, you indicate you WOULD have been agreeable to some basic boundaries and restrictions, then maybe your marriage is salvageable. I have known many marriages where the spouses are so far apart as expectations the marriage was destined to fail. An addiction to video games and/or porn is not uncommon and a destroyer of marriages because the addiction is ignoring the spouse and kids. No different than consuming all free time on any hobby.

I can understand the necessity of keeping medical benefits, but, at what cost? At some time each of you will have to move on with your lives. If you decide to let him stay in YOUR home, then set the ground rules. Tell him to keep off your clothes, which would have to after you tell him you have heard he is a cross dresser. And, by all means, after you disclose your nuclear weapon potential, tell him to stop 'bad mouthing' you. No matter what the truth may be, a guy 'accused' of cross dressing loses all credibility with anything else he may say.

[Miriam-J]

I agree entirely with mykhelee and Babeba on this one.

Your pseudo-husband sounds like a first class manipulator who will take advantage of you every chance he gets, and your accommodating response is very similar to what I've heard from many of the habitually abused. Be very, very careful.

Even if the insurance situation doesn't amount to fraud in your state, it's a pretty poor reason to maintain a paper-only marriage. It really gets in the way of you moving on with your life, psychologically and in practice. You need to decide one way or another - you're together or you're not.

Sorry if all this sounds pretty harsh, but I've seen too many people ruined by indecision. Divorce isn't a problem - it's a solution to a problem. Be firm whichever way you go.

Miriam

[Violetgray]

Now I am perplexed, if you want a divorce why do you care what he wants. It seems to me divorces should not be too hard to get in this day and age. And

if he is stressed "so what". Do what is best for you.
Vieja

I think that it's easy to say things like this when you have no personal stake in the relationship, but I don't think that something like this is EVER that simple after two people have loved each other for years.

That having been said, it does seem like a bit of emotional manipulation for him to say you're stressing him out every time you bring it up.

I'd tell him that you know and then use it to your advantage! Lol. A bit of leverage never hurts in any situation.

Now.. let's consider the implications of that, shall we? How would that not be emotional blackmail? I remember so many stories of my cd sisters having to put up with ex-wives outing them to everyone trying to ruin their lives, or bringing it up in court to get an edge. It makes me mad just thinking about it..

Oh, and listen to everything Reine and Babeba said. I definitely think that telling him and letting him know that you are o.k. with it could help.

[Shananigans]

Amen, Babeba!!!

Get this visit over with if he MUST stay at your place. Don't forget that you are in the position of power here because you are Allowing him to be at Your place.

Talking smack about you to friends an coworkers? No...there would be no shopping adventures in his future. You do NOT put up with that disrespect from him.

I wouldn't start anything while he was there. I would spend as little time around him as possible. If he tried to talk to me about things, I would listen...but, I would not reward him with my response or emotions.

As he had his bags packed and was headed out the door, I would say, "By the way, I know that you are a CD. I've KNOWN that you are a CD. The only thing that bothers me about that is that you haven't allowed me to fully know who you are. ...And, I would be absolutely delighted if you would stop throwing my name through the mud to people that do not fully know ME and who I am." Then, I would tell him to have a good day and I would close my door.

Let him put that in his pipe and smoke it.

The fact is that he is disrespectful to you. This shoes he has a very low opinion of you...and, perhaps, even women in general. Your acceptance of his CDing isn't going to change that he doesn't respect you. So, lead by example. You know this secret about him...but, you aren't going to disrespect him. Perhaps, he will watch closely and learn a thing or two.

[docrobbysherry]

Here's my opinion, Perp, and mine alone! MOST of the above advice is nonsense! They want to treat the symptoms and NOT the desease! Your issues have little or nothing to do with CDing. And, we don't know ANYTHING about your SO's side! Violet and Reine seem to grasp your Ocam's Razor position.

Your relationship is in flux and could go in many directions. If u do nothing, I can't see u 2 reconciling. The reason is, u seem to be a pushover for your SO. In a year, things will be VERY DIFFERENT for u! One way or the other.

Sensing your personality, u need help standing up for yourself. That means u need to get into couples counseling IMMEDIATELY! He may not want to go, but your therapist should insist on certain behavior from him and will be your advocate until such time as he/she can get his side of what's happening. I see no other way of u 2 staying together! And, without the impetus from a third party, your hopeless situation could needlessly drag on and on!

Stop wasting time feeling sorry for yourself! Get professional help now! You'll be so happy u did!

[Vanessa5]

There has been very good advice here. One thing I have to say is this (and this is my opinion)-this relationship with your "husband" is the example for your kids. If this man treats you like this (crap imo) the kids will follow that example in all the relationships they have. If you can't divorce him for you do it for your kids. Therapy may help but he has a lot to answer for. Letting you walk away without a fight seems very lame to me no matter what the excuse.