To the wives and girlfriends trying to figure this out...

[Jenniferathome]

Over that last several weeks I have read more and more posts from wives or girlfriends who have discovered their male SO is a crossdresser. I think it's great you are here and trying to get some perspective. I think you will find it.

I am, however, greatly concerned that you will be put off by so much of the weirdness I see posted daily. I can only offer my perspective of crossdressing but the majority of what I see posted does not reflect my view of a "normal" crossdresser (The irony of using "normal" here is not lost on me). I fear that when you join and begin reading you may run for the hills thinking you entered a freakshow.

I really feel a sense of obligation to extend help to any SO looking for information. I know your SO would want that help offered. I can feel the anger and sense of betrayal in so many of your original posts. My wife accepted me easily but I know that is not typical. Please don't read more into so many of the posts than what they are, an individual expressing random nonsense. The vocal minority often get too much press. Please feel free to ask any question and to call bullshit on posts that don't represent you as a woman, wife and person.

[RADER]

Jennifer;
You are correct in what you said, and I might add, How much of what you read on the
forum might be tainted with a touch of fiction, or wanted wishes.
I guess the best thing is to take a percentage with a big grain of salt.
Rader

[crossdressersfriend GG]

ITA my CDing friend is as normal as they get. I would hope that anyone would know their SO enough to give them a chance to get this out in the open and not view them as something other than the person they fell for in the first place.

[Presh GG]

Oh Jennifer
A thousand times , THANK YOU !

i [ FOOLISHLY ] recommended this forum to a friend who just found out , and I'm terrified I have sent her to the lions den, [ and the divorce lawyer.] I could kick myself. What have I done to my friend ?

Please keep in mind she knew Nothing , not even what it means or the differance between cd / ts / ect.
She had never , ever heard of it before.

So if I'm a bit vocal lately, think how you would feel in her or my place.

I just WISH WITH ALL MY HEART THE FANTACYS WEREN'T SOLD AS REAL.

Sincerely
Presh GG

[Eryn]

Jennifer, your concern is one that I share and one that I see articulated here often. Some of the things discussed here might be particularly disturbing to the SO of a CDer coming here for support.

Moving such threads to private forums has been suggested, but I suspect that a lot of the site's traffic (and revenue) is generated by the open availability of those threads to search engines. That is what permits this site to be available to all of us.

[ReineD]

I often wonder how many of our members are treating this place like a locker room, in other words, a place where they can be free to be themselves without any GGs present (the GG to CD ratio on this site is minuscule ). They might be single, or maybe their wives don't know they're here or perhaps don't even know about the CDing, and so they see this forum as a place to indulge in girly fantasy away from any prying eyes, all within the forum rules of course.

Whereas the CDers who are married with families, who do have busy lives, who do have supportive spouses just pop in once in a while to post and don't have time to post in what you call the weirdness threads in order to balance out the forum a bit.

Anyway, thanks for posting this, Jennifer, and the next time you see a "weirdness" thread, please do go ahead and post a one-liner bit of sanity.

[Marleena]

Well, I sometimes get concerned about the sexual fantasy threads too. The fact is though if too much gets censored then the board does not adress the needs of all crossdressers to express their feelings. It's kind of a catch 22. The mods/admins do keep things clean and under control.

@ Presh, your friend is much better off being sent here than finding what usually comes up on Google when you search for crossdressing. This is a support forum to adress issues that come up regarding transgendered people, SO's, family and friends. GG's are sensible enough to realize and question that much of what is discussed here might not apply to their own SO. The FAB forum sounds like it does a great job of helping GG's from panicking about what they may read.

[BRANDYJ]

Thank you Jennifer. Lately I have not even recognized this site due to the weirdness, as you call it. I too am concerned about our GG members and what they read. Especially the wives and SO's that just came here newly aware of their mate's crossdressing. I frankly get embarrassed and ashamed for some of the things posted here of late. I for one don't see this as a locker room atmosphere and feel that some posts are out of line in a mixed gender forum. Sometimes I feel like, and have as much been told that I'm being over protective of our GG members. Well somebody has to! With the insensitive posts I've seen in threads started by GG that came here to understand what this is all about. I am glad to see I'm not alone with these thoughts.

[Jonianne]

Whenever I sign on, the first thing I check is the permission groups I'm in and then forums like Loved ones and then my past posts to see if there has been any responses I need to address. Finally I will click the "new posts" and scan down the list to see if there seems to be anything interesting. Not much of it in the mtf forum has ever interested me. At least the "weird" threads also tend to have a weird title, so it makes those easy to skip. Even with those, I still think this site is probably the best one out there. Hopefully the new GG's will learn to filter a lot of the stuff out as well.

[Marleena]

Jennifer has raised some good points here and I totally get it. I just hate too much censorship.

Perhaps a fantasy section for these type of threads may be the ticket (just an idea). That way people can decide to ignore these type of posts that come up in the main section and not be subjected to them.

[KellyJameson]

This was a very good idea for a thread.

I hope my words have never frightened or disgusted anybody and if they have there is nothing to fear becomes I'm as far removed from the world of people as a person can get and still live on the planet.

Never ever should my words be construed as representative of others thinking because in all likelihood I'm a statistical aberration that hopefully will not be repeated and not once in my life have I encountered another even remotely like me.

I'm here mainly to learn not to interfere in anybody else's life and if there is a risk my presence could hurt others I would prefer to look elsewhere for the answers. I certainly do not want to be responsible for someones relationship ending.

[Rebecca Star]

I often wonder how many of our members are treating this place like a locker room, in other words, a place where they can be free to be themselves without any GGs present (the GG to CD ratio on this site is minuscule ). They might be single, or maybe their wives don't know they're here or perhaps don't even know about the CDing, and so they see this forum as a place to indulge in girly fantasy away from any prying eyes, all within the forum rules of course.

Whereas the CDers who are married with families, who do have busy lives, who do have supportive spouses just pop in once in a while to post and don't have time to post in what you call the weirdness threads in order to balance out the forum a bit.

Anyway, thanks for posting this, Jennifer, and the next time you see a "weirdness" thread, please do go ahead and post a one-liner bit of sanity.

Reine you've hit the nail on the head with this post. Using the "locker room" term, is spot on.

Those "threads" give me the heebie geebies.
I can only imagine what a SO would think if their not acclimatised to such things.

While fantasies are just that, I think some people can get so absorbed in them, they start to feed on them and each other. As I've said before I'm grateful this forum exists. But I do think to keep things in perspective there must be a balance between here and what goes on in real life.

Just my 2 cents worth!

[ReineD]

I for one don't see this as a locker room atmosphere and feel that some posts are out of line in a mixed gender forum.

To everyone, maybe I shouldn't have used the locker room analogy, but if you ever see a post that does not adhere to these or any other of our rules:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...es#faq_content

please do go ahead and report it. We only have a handful of mods to a large volume of posts, and some things get missed or aren't caught straight away.

That said, it's not difficult to learn to post within the rules. Many things can be expressed while avoiding certain words. And so if some of you do not agree with the sentiments expressed in the posts or threads, then by all means go in that thread and post your own two cents worth!

This will do more to balance things out than anything else.


Edit - Here's another consideration:

The various TS, CD, and people who are questioning themselves are free to flow through this board as they will and as they should. And no one has in their name "CD", "TS", "Questioning", "Single", "Married", "Hetero", "Bi", or "Gay". LOL. (or "Fantacizing" )

And so a male-attracted TS (or several) might well post their very valid opinions in threads located in the CDing section without identifying themselves, which might then cause the GGs who don't visit this part of the boards too often to assume these members are CDers and therefore their opinions represent a sort of "average" outlook.

There is a need to tell any new member of the wide gender and sexual-preference spectrum here, and I think the newer GGs do hear this from both some of the CDers and the other GGs.

[AllieSF]

How about having new GG's just go through a short indoctrination process so that they understand what is inside the covers of this wonderful site? I have seen all kinds of threads here and the truly sick ones get deleted within a day or two by the ever vigilant mods. We are supposed to be 18 years or older to get here and that should be enough to establish an adults only site. What some are indirectly suggesting here is a type of censorship. Who decides what is "weird" or not? Mature adults should be able to weed out the chaff from the valuable grains. Even upset GG's. This site offers so much for so many and is also a safe haven for many. Why? Because of the way that this site has been set up and the ever presence of the Admins and Mods.

I do appreciate that someone completely in the dark may be surprised by some of the threads, all innocent (except for the Mod deleted ones) in my opinion when looking at them as an adult. However, everything in life requires some type of learning curve. A brief intro process for new and anxious GG's would help them get an idea before taking the plunge. The new GG's are in a very vast minority when compared to everyone else here. The same goes for the pantie threads and some of the fantasy, what if, threads too. As has been said many times here in many many threads, if someone does not like the topic from its title or content of the OP, they can easily just not read any further and ignore the thread. Adult GG's, especially the married ones who come here are far from being innocent sheep being led to the slaughter when they enter here not knowing what to expect. They will learn and mature just like anyone else. If they cannot, they probably have other issues that need to be addressed first.

PS: I just read Reine's post above. I agree with reporting posts that fall outside the rules. I have reported a few already. If they follow the rules, they have the right to be here. Period.

[Stephanie47]

I shutter to think what my wife has run across on the Internet if she Googled cross dressers with no filter on. Yuck! At least here there is no cross dressing/transgender porn. That being said, somethings that are posted here would absolutely make a wife cringe. There are way too many in your face encouragements, take it or leave it, postings for a woman, who just found out her husband is a cross dresser. That is not very reassuring that her husband is not going to dart out the door in a dress and heels. I think many of the woman perusing this site will see that the vast majority of the "normal" "routine" cross dressers are in a DADT marriage, who have established a "memo of understanding" as to acceptable boundaries, spoken or implied.

[ReineD]

That's another good point, Stephanie. In addition to the various end points in the gender spectrum (whether someone is a fetish CDer, identity CDer, bigender, or TS), there are the trajectories from point zero to the end points to consider. So a wife starting out with her husband who only dresses at home on Saturday nights with no wig and no forms, might feel uncomfortable reading so many posts about CDers going out in the mainstream who shave, grow their nails, and wear forms and pads. But in a few years she might well be attending events with her husband dressed who has come to do all of these things and who is no closer to "wanting to be a woman who wants men" than before.

[MandyGG]

Jennifer,

It is true that some of the posts and threads are scary for an SO, and it doesn't help when the wife is at a point of loss and total confusion. There is so much to learn, and one of the things to learn quickly, is sifting through the "crap". Thankfully, there are other members here that quickly lead an SO into the right direction and eventually she will learn what fits her situation and what doesn't. Soon enough she will get to a point where she says, "Whew! I am glad THAT isn't my husband!" and she will begin to appreciate him more.

Thank you for your concern for the new SO's! They are just here for answers, in hopes of holding on to their marriages, and need help getting there. For the most part, this is a great group of caring and compassionate people who are just looking out for each other.....and we know a toad when we see one! LOL!

[Jenniferathome]

How about having new GG's just go through a short indoctrination process so that they understand what is inside the covers of this wonderful site?

Adult GG's, especially the married ones who come here are far from being innocent sheep being led to the slaughter when they enter here not knowing what to expect.

Allie, you wrote two things here that I wanted to single out. The first, I agree with wholeheartedly. The second, I have exactly the opposite opinion. They ARE innocent sheep. HOW could they know anything about crossdressing? While they are adults, they can't possibly be prepared for the journey they are on.

[Jenniferathome]

To all picking up on a censorship notion, that is not where I was going. While I find too many posts offensive, I can ignore it. But I'm a crossdresser, not the wife of one. no, it was more of a word of warning to the wives and girlfriends. Tread lightly. I would suggest to the moderators that a "fantasy" section be opened. Easier to ignore sections rather than posts. but mostly, I wanted to apologize in advance to the women who come for help and have to weed through crap and nonsense.

[Marie GG]

@ Presh, your friend is much better off being sent here than finding what usually comes up on Google when you search for crossdressing. This is a support forum to adress issues that come up regarding transgendered people, SO's, family and friends. GG's are sensible enough to realize and question that much of what is discussed here might not apply to their own SO. The FAB forum sounds like it does a great job of helping GG's from panicking about what they may read.

So very true! When I first found out 2 years ago, my husband had suggested this forum, but I thought to myself "Why is he so specific about THIS forum? What is he hiding?" It turns out he was not really hiding anything but trying to protect me from the crazy stuff you find out there googling. The sites I found made things worse, and made me less willing to talk about it. It has taken a long while but I finally desiced to take his advice and check out this forum and I am so glad I did! True Jennifer, there are some posts out there that can be a little out there, but overall in comparison to what I found in my open google search it is nothing.

Thanks for looking out for us new SO's. My husband has been so happy that everyone has been so nice to me. (Maybe it will encourage him to make his first post )

[PretzelGirl]

First, I think we should be careful in using words like weird. To many others, this is a word they use for each and every one of us.

But I have preached for a long time that you just can't send someone to this site without having a long chat with them about how you feel and maybe visiting here together the first time. The entire time I have been here, there have been threads in the main forum that don't represent me. They don't have to be near-porn, fetish, whatever.....there is just a lot that doesn't apply. If you tell your wife about yourself and send her here without framing what applies to you, you are setting her up to assume it all applies to you. After all, this is cd.com so everything here must apply to all crossdressers. When you are first learning about something, it is hard to separate out what applies and what doesn't because it is all new. Don't forget, having emotions running in all directions can make it hard to think through everything.

So ultimately it is a personal responsibility when you have someone come here. The path to understanding is mainly about communication. If you send someone here without the communication coming first, you are heading down a difficult and confusing path.

[ReineD]

I would suggest to the moderators that a "fantasy" section be opened. Easier to ignore sections rather than posts. but mostly, I wanted to apologize in advance to the women who come for help and have to weed through crap and nonsense.

I gather this was tried before and it became impossible to moderate since people took advantage of it. And I imagine it would attract an element here who would post nowhere else (or who might spill over into other sections), who might well be best served by staying in the fetish sites they're in now.

Plus, can you imagine all the judgment calls a mod would have to make about whether to move a thread made in the CD section that appears to be pure fantasy, when the OP insists it isn't. Who's to decide who is in a pink fog or not?

[Jenniferathome]

And I imagine it would attract an element here who would post nowhere else (or who might spill over into other sections), who might well be best served by staying in the fetish sites they're in now.

A fine reason to NOT do it if I ever read one. We don't need more of that:-)

[busker]

That's another good point, Stephanie. In addition to the various end points in the gender spectrum (whether someone is a fetish CDer, identity CDer, bigender, or TS), there are the trajectories from point zero to the end points to consider. So a wife starting out with her husband who only dresses at home on Saturday nights with no wig and no forms, might feel uncomfortable reading so many posts about CDers going out in the mainstream who shave, grow their nails, and wear forms and pads. But in a few years she might well be attending events with her husband dressed who has come to do all of these things and who is no closer to "wanting to be a woman who wants men" than before.

Perhaps the better solution for neophytes would be to have them sign up ONLY for the FAB section first until they get some time in before "entering the lion's den". Why should a person be subjected to the free for all forum when they are just trying to get to grips with what their husband is doing. I thought it was strange that they had to wade through 10 posts to actually talk to a GG to see what the hell this business was all about.
my 2 pennies worth

[crossdressersfriend GG]

Perhaps the better solution for neophytes would be to have them sign up ONLY for the FAB section first until they get some time in before "entering the lion's den". Why should a person be subjected to the free for all forum when they are just trying to get to grips with what their husband is doing. I thought it was strange that they had to wade through 10 posts to actually talk to a GG to see what the hell this business was all about.
my 2 pennies worth

Yeah but a lot of GGs probably just lurk too, so only get to read these certain sections and don't plan on signing up for any more. So this is what they see?

How about a sticky for new or first time visiting GG's? You couldn't title it GG's cause they wouldn't even know what the heck that was but something welcoming and warning them at the same time?