Letter to my wife, part 1

[leliani]

Hi ladies,

If anyone has read my previous thread, then you'll know that I am attempting to tell my wife, for a second time that I like to dress in women's clothing. This is just to help me compose what I am going to say, and my thoughts in general. Read if you want...

Honey,
Remember when, a couple of years ago that I told you I like to wear women's clothing? Well, the desire to do so hasn't gone away, and I still get the urge to get dressed up. I love you very much, and NOTHING is EVER going to change that. You are my soul mate, and I want to be with you just as I said...till death do us part.

I've come to realize that having the freedom to dress, from time to time, is part of who I am. I don't want to be a girl...no sex changes. I still enjoy being the man you love, and fell in love with and I'm not interested in giving that up. I'm simply looking for an occasional escape from myself. A casual weekend here are there.

If it came down to a choice between having you in my arms, or being able to dress, I'd choose your beauty, your sexyness, your mind, body, and soul ALWAYS. I hope not to ever have to make that choice. But you are always first in my heart.

I don't know what will happen in the future. I do know that in my mind, I have NEVER expected to do this forever. But I do not know when I'd want to quit either.

Are you Gay?
No. I love you. And no-one else.

Do you want to be a girl / sex change?
No. I still enjoy being me. This is an escape for me. Something fun to do every now and then.

Will you stop dressing now?
If you ask me to, I will do my BEST to stop. But it will be difficult. I don't think I can stop cold turkey, and may need to ease off gradually. But if you feel this is something that you could possibly cope with, then I hope you understand that this is a part of me.

Have you worn any of my clothes?
No. Never.

Do you have some of your own then?
I do have some women's clothing hidden away. If you'd like to see it, or know where it is I'll show you. If you don't want to know anything about it, then I'll keep it hidden.

This is tough...

[Barbara Ella]

This is a very good letter. One thing, do not promise to taper off gradually. If she wants you to stop, agree to discuss this, and do not dress while she becomes educated to what crossdressing really is, and how deeply it is in our/your psyche. I could never taper off, but could agree to only wear certain items. If she reads books, get her a copy of Peggy Rudd's "My Husband Wears My Clothes" This is the first book she should read. It is informative and gives her a good idea of what crossdressing is, how others react to it, and answers many of the myths. Not expensive as an e book.

I wish you all the luck. It will not be easy for you, even with the letter, but Love will out.

Barbara

[Marie GG]

I think you did a good job. You covered my main questions when I found out about my husband. I will say that even though he had similar answers to yours, I did have doubts now and then and needed to ask the questions over and over before becoming secure with the answer. Good luck

[Persephone]

Looks like a good start, Leliani.

If you want some feedback from outsiders to your relationship, I think I'd switch some lines in the opening, going from:

"Remember when, a couple of years ago that I told you I like to wear women's clothing? Well, the desire to do so hasn't gone away, and I still get the urge to get dressed up. I love you very much, and NOTHING is EVER going to change that. You are my soul mate, and I want to be with you just as I said...till death do us part."

maybe to:

"I love you very much, and NOTHING is EVER going to change that. You are my soul mate, and I want to be with you just as I said...till death do us part.

"But remember when, a couple of years ago that I told you I like to wear women's clothing? Well, the desire to do so hasn't gone away, and I still get the urge to get dressed up."

Maybe go on to tell her that it is not abnormal, that there are millions of crossdressers around the world, and that it does not detract from how much you love her.

I like how you point out how you hope to never have to make a choice between her and crossdressing, but do you really want to leave saying "No" completely in her hands? Perhaps you could find a way to express how much it is a part of who you are and that it is a part of who she loves as well?

Hugs,
Persephone.

[NaomiHikaru]

That's a good letter. Maybe I'm a little nostalgic but I think that letters are great ways to express ourselves and to communicate with each other. I'm terrible at English so I won't tell you how to write a letter.... Best of Luck to you.

[Allsteamedup]

Why do you want to write to her instead of talking to her? That would give her the opportunity to respond straight away.

And why are you not addressing the things she will want to ask? What does this cost? How much time will it take up? Is anyone else to be involved? Why do you want to go away alone for a weekend (just the inference from the way you wrote it). Is it just about the clothes or do you want to feel like a woman?

This is a real can of worms and you are only really looking at it from your point of view. There is a sticky about coming out to a partner, and another called 'Now I like it, now I don't' which will give you some insight as to how women think. Give them a try.

[anonymousinmaryland]

Good letter to be used as notes AS YOU TALK TO HER. One on one. Face to face. Completely dressed, partially dressed, naked between the sheets. But YOU HAVE TO TALK to her.

[BRANDYJ]

Honey,
Remember when, a couple of years ago that I told you I like to wear women's clothing? Well, the desire to do so hasn't gone away, and from what I have read, it never goes away for most men like me. I still get the urge to get dressed up. I love you very much, and NOTHING is EVER going to change that. You are my soul mate, and I want to be with you just as I said when you honored me by becoming my wife...till death do us part.

I've come to realize that having the freedom to dress, from time to time, is part of who I am. I don't want to be a girl...I don't want to become a girl and do not want a sex change...EVER. I still enjoy being the man you love, the man you married. I'm never going to want anyone or anything else. I'm simply looking for an occasional escape from myself. A casual weekend here are there.

If it came down to a choice between having you in my life, by my side and in my arms, or being able to dress, I'd choose YOU and your beauty, your sexyness, your mind, body, and soul ALWAYS. I hope you never ask me to make that choice. But you are always first in my heart.

I don't know what will happen in the future. I do know that in my mind, I have NEVER expected to do this forever. But I do not know when I'd want to quit either, or if I could.
You might ask:

Are you Gay?
No. I have always been attracted to just women, men do not interest me in any way. of course my attraction now is for you and you alone...I love you with all my heart.

Do you want to be a girl / sex change?
No. I still enjoy being me, a man, your man. This is an escape for me. Something fun to do every now and then.

Will you stop dressing now?
If you ask me to, I will do my BEST to stop. But it will be difficult from what I have read and understand. I don't think I can stop, based on information I have gathered about thousands of men similar to me.
But if you feel this is something that you could NOT possibly cope with, then I hope you understand that this is a part of me, as it is with many.

Have you worn any of my clothes?
No. Never. I respect you and honor you to much to touch your things

Do you have some of your own then?
I do have some women's clothing hidden away. If you'd like to see it, or know where it is I'll show you. If you don't want to know anything about it, then I'll keep it hidden and out of sight. But I wish to never have to hide anything from you, including my feelings and my desires. That's why I wrote this letter to you...in hopes that you can at least understand... if not accept this small part of me.

This is tough...

I'm assuming you are wanting opinions or suggestions on what you wrote since you shared this with us. So I took the liberty of editing some things in and some out, or re-wording some things. I made those changes or additions in blue. All I can hope for is that my suggestions help you with this difficult task.

I do think that letters are a good idea for major issues between couples. it gives you a chance to express yourself without any interruptions to side track your well thought out questions, concerns and self expression to your wife. It also gives her time to digest it, to perhaps get over the shock or initial sadness that she may feel, before talking to you about it more.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that the love between you and your wife will let you climb this mountain together. I wish you the very best and whatever you do, it goes well.

[Lorileah]

I think letters are a great way to start as long as you are there to hold her hand and to answer any questions.

I agree with Persephone that the first thing right out of the gate should be "I love you" Otherwise I am concerned she may never get to that part.

I also agree with Brandy for the most part however I would not start putting in caveats or conditions just yet. It sounds strange to me for you to say you don't want to keep things from her and then say you will keep it hidden. Just tell your story and then ask if she would like to discuss this sometime. She will have questions (and you answered some here). More than what you have already answered. Don't set limits just yet. For you OR her. Let her have a few days if she needs to read and re-read ( that is why I like letters...and you can tweek it like are doing). Br prepared for a lot of left field questions and for a lot of tears and maybe some anger. I was lucky that both times I did this with my SO's they said "Yeah? So? When are you going to clean the basement?"

[BRANDYJ]

Lorileah, I agree with you on every account. Especially this from: I agree with Persephone that the first thing right out of the gate should be "I love you"

I also agree on not setting limits on either one. How'd I miss that?

[Tina B.]

Well it's a good start, I hope she listens to the whole think before she reacts, and you are ready for a host of questions that you didn't even think of.
But I'm not sure I would include a promise to try and quit, that could work against you down the road. But I would try working toward a compromise.
Tina B.

[Debra Russell]

I agree, use the letter for notes talk to her....................Debra

[Wonderwho]

Good letter to be used as notes AS YOU TALK TO HER. One on one. Face to face. Completely dressed, partially dressed, naked between the sheets. But YOU HAVE TO TALK to her.

This is the best response of all. It took me several face to face thlks and many tears before we came to any understanding at all. there will be questions that need to be answered right then and it would be alot better to be there to talk than let your wife think the worst. Best of luck. you are not alone at this point.
Wonderwho

[Girliegirl]

I agree 100% with brandyj. with the addition of letting her know this subject is one that you've never been able to have a conversion with anyone about as you've been hiding It since an early age, its a secret that you've grown up keeping from others. it wasnt kept hidden from her in any sort of malicious way.

That is of course only if that is true as it was for me. Also from experience, make her know that she didn't cause this. It has been there with you for a long long time.

I also believe talking to her rather than writing her is better. Make out easier for her to understand in every way you can. Writing could force her to come to you and thats difficult as you obviously can see.

[RADER]

The letter is good, but sit down and talk with her directly.
The part that you will just quit, well I am here to tell you, that quiting dressing
is like trying to stop eating. It will work for a few days, but not forever.
Keep telling that you love her, and go slow.
Good luck.
Rader

[BRANDYJ]

Several of you don't care for the letter idea. But it is a very valid way to express yourself when it is otherwise to hard to find the words face to face. It can also be good if you have a mate that has trouble communicating openly face to face. It really depends on the 2 individuals. If they tend to argue when serious issues arrise, instead of talk them out, then again, the letter is a better way to express feelings without interruptions, outbursts, or anger getting in the way of the important message to get across. Also, the time for her to re-read it over and over if need be. To digest the information and then perhaps be more open to sit down and discuss it. The point is, we can't tell which is better without knowing both the husband and the wife. I know I have used letters in the past and found it opened doors to serious or important issues (not CD related), to where we then were able to sit down and discuss it.

[jillleanne]

You know, the letter , for all intense purposes, is just a way of substituting your fear of direct discussion. I know, but it's true. Now, keep writing letters to yourself until you think you have the nerve to actually talk to her about this with some sort of order, which, there is none. You know what to say, you know how to say it, so, do it. She deserves to be informed of this by your mouth not your pen. Sorry, but that's just the way it is.

[Marie GG]

Several of you don't care for the letter idea. But it is a very valid way to express yourself when it is otherwise to hard to find the words face to face. It can also be good if you have a mate that has trouble communicating openly face to face. It really depends on the 2 individuals.

I agree with Brandy on this one. It does depend on the couple, but my husband and I both find it hard to organize our thoughts when it is an emotional topic. We often write a letter and then discuss it afterward. Though I do feel it is still very important to discuss it afterward, the letter is only to help make sure all of your thoughts are addressed.

[Lorileah]

I agree with Brandy on this one. It does depend on the couple, but my husband and I both find it hard to organize our thoughts when it is an emotional topic. We often write a letter and then discuss it afterward. Though I do feel it is still very important to discuss it afterward, the letter is only to help make sure all of your thoughts are addressed.

I say a letter works very well just for the fact the OP has shown here. If you start talking you can go off on a tangent, forget to say something you think is important or you can break down and just give up when you see your SO's face. Mostly this way you can organize what you think may be important.

You can and WILL talk afterward

[Sam-antha]

Once you get the letteer sorted out, sit down with her and tell her the story of your troubles. Leave the letter with her for afters, if she seems to be in need of the note. Perhaps, I dunn,o give her the address of this little corner of the world.
May good luck go with you
Samm

[reb.femme]

I agree, use the letter for notes talk to her....................Debra

This is exactly what I did. Use the letter as the basis for your discussion/confession.
Mine went better than I could ever have expected, preparation I believe is everything, but as a note of caution.
Think what you would do if it all goes bandy.
Not everyone's confession is followed by a re-enactment of Love Story.

I like Brandy's amendments and Lorileah's point on the 'I love you' emphasis.
Good luck!

Rebecca x

[leliani]

Thank you Soooooooo much everyone for your valuable and sweet comments. I guess I should have stated from the start that I was only using this letter as notes to talk to my wife. I read somewhere else on the forum to start to figure out what I want before I should talk to her.

I've told her before about my dressing. She didn't flip out, but she did blow it off like a phase I was going through, and so now every time I dress I feel like I'm lying to her. This is painful. But I'm confident I've done, and am doing the right thing.

[prettytoes]

Very well done. The only thing that I know added a bit of comfort to my wife was when I told her that it has been a part of me ever since I was a young boy; that it started long before I met her. I wanted to make sure that she fully understood that she had nothing to do with my desire to wear women's clothing...that it was nothing that she did or did not do.

[Mimi]

Thank you Soooooooo much everyone for your valuable and sweet comments. I guess I should have stated from the start that I was only using this letter as notes to talk to my wife. I read somewhere else on the forum to start to figure out what I want before I should talk to her.

I've told her before about my dressing. She didn't flip out, but she did blow it off like a phase I was going through, and so now every time I dress I feel like I'm lying to her. This is painful. But I'm confident I've done, and am doing the right thing.

Encourage her to join this forum. It helped me so much! When Eryn first told me about her desire to dress, I also thought it was just a phase and didn't put a lot of thought into it. I didn't realize that it had hurt her, my not taking it seriously, and that led to a lot more discussions in which I realized just how important it was, and that it was a real issue I needed to be involved in. Your wife may have had the same feelings--kind of a "that's nice, dear" approach, thinking it would go away, or at least limit itself to the occasional garment. Once I started reading posts from the members, especially the ones from the CDers directed towards their wives in which they expressed their great love towards their wives and their wish for acceptance, it changed my way of thinking and helped me to be more understanding.

[Thera Home]

If she reads books, get her a copy of Peggy Rudd's "My Husband Wears My Clothes" This is the first book she should read. It is informative and gives her a good idea of what crossdressing is, how others react to it, and answers many of the myths. Not expensive as an e book.

Barbara

Very good suggestion. thanks for the info Barbara

Good letter to be used as notes AS YOU TALK TO HER. One on one. Face to face. Completely dressed, partially dressed, naked between the sheets. But YOU HAVE TO TALK to her.

I so agree