The elephant in MY room is starting to make some noise

[PretzelGirl]

Now that is definitely a decision based on love. I know that was a tough decision and it is a fine example for all of us of trying to find a compromise. I hope it comes out even better than you are anticipating Sara.

[Rogina B]

I just think that having a whole household accept your female personna is so important toward coping and staying on the middle ground.When you have the freedom to be you and the acceptance from your kids that you are their Dad,no matter how you are dressed,things become easier. Living as genderfluid can then be a reality. My 11 yr old daughter[only child] is open minded toward many things that others aren't from the non conventional style at home.I think you will see that having acceptance at home will take away some of the pining for what"might have been".For some of us,[you included]the guilt would be overwhelming from ditching family to live in a refrigerator box on the side of the road in order to afford to transition and most likely die alone.Best to make the most of that half full glass that you now have!

[Sara Jessica]

Allow me to clarify something. I thought about this after this morning's post and I worried that I might be misinterpreted.

If there is ever to be disclosure to my children, this is not intended for me to EVER present as female in their presence. Short of going full time, that is simply not going to be part of the equation which is my decision that I am all good with. What disclosure would allow is understanding on their part and elimination of the subterfuge that gets more and more difficult the older they become. It might allow for them to see some feminine traits in me or understand those which they currently detect but again, there will be no running around in women's clothing around them. That part of it just isn't important to me.

[ReineD]

Well, I was a teenager during the years when a guy was a dork if he didn't have long hair. The guy that I had a huge crush on in high school had long blond hair tied at the nape. My father thought this was horrible. lol.

And wouldn't you know it ... 30 years later I fell in love with someone who just happened to also have long blonde hair tied at the nape.

... it's acceptable in my SO's work environment though. Just about everyone has long hair. It's a creative field.

[Sara Jessica]

Hi Reine, great points but my career is in a very conservative business environment. I am considered a leader as well, both in title and the way others see me. These are things which make it very challenging to carry on with the long hair although my decision has absolutely nothing to do with work. No one has said anything to me, clients haven't shunned me to the best of my knowledge. But I'm sure it has some people saying WTF.

There are two extremes when it comes to body/appearance modifications such as these when in a relationship, "it's my body and I'll do what I please" and allowing the spouse to dictate what one can and cannot do when it comes to appearance. In my case, I have allowed my hair to grow in spite of my wife finding the look to be utterly unattractive to her eyes. She is right, I look better in guy mode with short hair, no question. But the last couple years have found me on the former end of the extremes in doing what I please despite her opinion. Now I'm at a point where I really feel a need to try to pull back a bit. My goal is to find a happy medium, so to speak. I guess part of what I want to do is take my hairstyle back to when I was in high school-into-college when it was short but there was a lot on top (I had kind of long sweeping "new wave" bangs). Hopefully this will work out to put my Elephant more in the background but still present without a wig when out & about.

[AnneB1nderful]

Sara,
You are so considerate. This "gender fluidity" does seem to be confusing. Reading all these different posts of where everyone can find their "balance" in this life does seem to be fluid. It changes based on our SOs acceptance, tolerance, or complete rejection of this lifestyle. But, that is true with any relationship and any lifestyle choice. If you chose to join a motorcycle club and an SO thought that motorcycles are too dangerous and motorcycle clubs are just gangs, you'd be going thru similar struggles - Constantly struggling with the thought "How often can I ride my bike and go out with friends without causing too much anxiety on my SO?"

Balance is the key. I admire your commitment and working out that balance.

[Rogina B]

Allow me to clarify something. I thought about this after this morning's post and I worried that I might be misinterpreted.

If there is ever to be disclosure to my children, this is not intended for me to EVER present as female in their presence. Short of going full time, that is simply not going to be part of the equation which is my decision that I am all good with. What disclosure would allow is understanding on their part and elimination of the subterfuge that gets more and more difficult the older they become. It might allow for them to see some feminine traits in me or understand those which they currently detect but again, there will be no running around in women's clothing around them. That part of it just isn't important to me.

I do not see why you seem afraid to be able to be Sara around your immediate family.How is there a half way on this? Locked closet/open closet? Where is the middle ground that allows you to not hide yourself from your family?

[Sara Jessica]

I do not see why you seem afraid to be able to be Sara around your immediate family.How is there a half way on this? Locked closet/open closet? Where is the middle ground that allows you to not hide yourself from your family?

Because it's not driven by fear by any stretch of the imagination.

Think of all of the tales in these pages of women who have seen their SO presenting as female and cannot get that ingrained image out of their mind's eye. While my wife has "seen" me, I have no need to have my kid's image of their father changed in that way, short of full transition at which time visual disclosure would be necessary. I have no desire to dress up every day and run around the house. I acknowledge that my thoughts on this could change someday but at this time, it's just not where I'm at with this whole thing.

[Kathi Lake]

Perhaps she's remembering a discussion I had with my son when he inadvertently found out. I later said to him that it was probably going to take a lot of mental steel wool to erase the image of his dad in a dress from his mind. He replied that it would indeed take a copious amount, but that he was willing to out of love.

Kathi

[Rogina B]

Perhaps she's remembering a discussion I had with my son when he inadvertently found out. I later said to him that it was probably going to take a lot of mental steel wool to erase the image of his dad in a dress from his mind. He replied that it would indeed take a copious amount, but that he was willing to out of love.

Kathi

So Kathi,How has it gone with your kids? I am Dad no matter how I am dressed and my 11 yr old daughter fully agrees!

[Kathy4ever]

Wow I am going through the same thing in my marriage. We have been married 20 years as well. I.m also at the point of not knowing what to do too. it seems unfair that if something gives us joy we have to hide or stop. There has to be a level playing field for both of us. Don't knoww what that is but there has a be a way for both to be happy. Yes there is a big elephant in our house.

This is going to be a difficult post. I'm not entirely sure where it'll go so please bear with me.

I have talked repeatedly about my efforts to find peace and love on a middle path. My middle path is defined as finding fulfillment on both sides of the gender fence in an attempt to stave off transition. Everyone who knows me understands that I do so out of love and respect for the life that I have built, namely family and career.

Many others have chimed in, talking about how they are in almost identical situations. There are a fair number of us out there for whom all things being equal would transition. We choose to remain true to our families. We attempt balance. I do believe we are capable of finding the fulfillment we are looking for. Many have described finding just that. Many are truly happy in this dual pursuit.

Still, there are others, mostly within the TS part of the gender spectrum, who legitimately question whether those of us on such a path are just kidding ourselves. Whether it's a "failure to launch" or that true happiness will certainly evade anyone who attempts to deny their true calling, they question the sustainability of this whole thing. I totally get where they are coming from as I am questioning that at this very time.

My elephant is a metaphor for the changes I have made in my appearance. When you think about it, each of these changes is in favor of my female presentation and at the expense of my "male" side. Yes, expense. Like it or not, more guys out there may be doing some or all of the things I have done but it doesn't mean any of it is perceived as normal. "Normal" males are furry. Normal males, especially my age, don't have over a foot of hair cascading off of the back of their head. I can rationalize it all I want but this whole effort flies in the face of what society thinks of as normal. I have transformed from utterly normal to an outlier. But I truly don't give a hoot what anyone else thinks.

Except for one person, my wife.

And despite the absolute joy that I have cultivated on both sides of the gender fence, it feels as if things are coming to a crossroads. You see, aside from the comments about my hair over the last couple of years, the rest of my elephant has remained just that when it comes to my wife, an elephant. That which is not brought up but we both know she's there. So in talking yesterday about some important logistical issues which have to do with my being able to manage this whole thing in a stealthy way within my own home (as in keeping my growing children in the dark), it finally came out...her utter disdain for each and every change that my elephant represents. The removal of my body hair, she hates it. My long hair of course she despises. Even my facial electrolysis that I have been slowly chipping away at (which I began with her tacit approval). All of these things represent the erasure of the man she married and are a constant reminder of who & what I am.

There are so many fallacies in these things many of us do, here are just a couple of them...

• I'm still the same person as I always have been. (Yes, perhaps you are the same person but now you have different packaging that really, we cannot expect our SO's to be able to accept no matter how much we might plead otherwise).
• It's my body, no one has the right to tell me what I can do with it. (Guess what? Many of our SO's exercise such a right as part of the marriage partnership.)

I mentioned tacit approval. Most, if not all of the changes I have made...heck, this probably holds true with my outing schedule, all seems to be based on some sort of tacit approval when in reality, it appears that it's simple exasperation on her part. Why say no when I will probably do what I want anyway. Has her giving that inch lead to my taking of the mile? Perhaps. Would she be happier if she had kept me in check early on? Definitely. Would I have been happier? Hard to say. I probably wouldn't know any better if my modus operandi in staving off a lifetime of TS feelings was to be closeted away.

So here we are at those crossroads. I have some choices to make but in all fairness, I need to share the nature of the seed of this discontent. Long story short, the place where I keep all of my stuff in our home must revert to it's original purpose. In other words, time to finish a remodel and this area which I have co-opted as my own cannot be this way any longer. I have a solution to build a small walk-in closet as a place to keep my stuff secure (as in away from the prying eyes of children...she is adamant that we won't be telling the kids). We're talking small, 15 square feet that can be tastefully done within the existing architecture of our home. 15 square feet that allows me to actually have a little place for my stuff without having to rely upon totes, file cabinet drawers, garment bags, etc. 15 square feet that I am able to accept NOT growing beyond. While one can do a lot with 15 square feet, by definition it would be pretty much impossible to turn into a hoarding situation.

So what does she think of this idea? It ain't gonna happen. We have gone around and around on this many times over the last year and yesterday I pinned her down on the root of her disapproval. It all comes down to what it represents, a closet for MY women's stuff. When all is said and done, it seems to be yet another reminder that she isn't going to have.

The solution for her is easy. Put all my stuff in totes. Or even spend the $$$ to rent a storage locker (I can just see Storage Wars right now if they were to ever get ahold of my stuff!!!). But to build this closet? Nope. To rebuild a sliding-door closet with my stuff in there unsecured? Nope.

This is the point where I dig my heels in. I refuse to live my life out of totes. I am already disorganized to the point where I have a tote full of amazing outfits that have been worn once, only to be tossed into this tote for eventual laundry or dry cleaning. I'd probably be able to go a couple years without shopping with all of these outfits that are kind of forgotten to the point where they still seem brand new to me. Getting away for an outing is hard enough the way it is now, I cannot imagine having to fish through a multitude of totes and garment bags to fish out the stuff I need to get ready on the fly as I often do.

At this point my options are few. I could give in and live out of totes, not that I have a really good place to keep any and besides, the security issue would remain with the kids. I can also play the martyr (which I acknowledge is quite the game but honestly, I feel as if I'm backed into a corner). I can eschew all things feminine and put it all away. I can go so far as to wipe away my elephant, either some or all of what has cultivated her existence. And not to create some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy or something like that but I know exactly what this will do to me emotionally.

The thing is, in this mode we're in that is essentially a step above DADT, all she is seeing is the very low percentage of my time that is devoted to my life on the feminine side of things. A couple outings a month? I'm going out all the time. Happiness on that side of my life? Why can't I derive the same happiness from my family? This is her perception, her reality. That if I derive any happiness away from the family that perhaps I need to go and live that life. I am getting zero credit for managing the torment in my soul in an effort to keep everything together.

It might seem as if this is all about "stuff". About the material things that go into helping my outside match what is in my heart. It could be such the social experiment to redefine what it means to me to be a woman by burying the "stuff". My elephant has already helped me to redefine femininity in my heart when it comes to expression. Part of me says with resolve, "not on my watch". My outings are essential to preserve my sanity. My friendships are very important as well. There is much risk if I play the martyr card. Am I prepared for the fallout? Is she? Or is fallout inevitable no matter what choice is made? This situation might be untenable. What makes me feel otherwise is that underneath all of this BS, love is absolutely present. After 20 years, I love her more than I did the day we got married.

[Jamie001]

Wow I am going through the same thing in my marriage. We have been married 20 years as well. I.m also at the point of not knowing what to do too. it seems unfair that if something gives us joy we have to hide or stop. There has to be a level playing field for both of us. Don't knoww what that is but there has a be a way for both to be happy. Yes there is a big elephant in our house.

It is really an unfortunate situation because we really aren't hurting anyone. It is not like being a drug addict, alcoholic, or a deadbeat. It is too bad that folks can't look at crossdressing and see it for what it really is. After all, women crossdress all of the time.

[Sara Jessica]

Perhaps she's remembering a discussion I had with my son when he inadvertently found out. I later said to him that it was probably going to take a lot of mental steel wool to erase the image of his dad in a dress from his mind. He replied that it would indeed take a copious amount, but that he was willing to out of love.

Kathi

Yeah, kind of sort of remembering that part of it. The main thing though is that we all have a different endgame when it comes to our goals. I simply want less subterfuge. I also want my kids to come to terms which who/what I am before they get into adulthood, at which time I have heard way too many tales of outright rejection of a trans parent.

Then again, should I even worry about that? We raise them to be tolerant and even yesterday my son was glued to the news when there was a "big" announcement about the boy scouts. When they said that the ban against gay leaders or members was to be lifted, he was like "is that all???" and went on to do his thing.

The thing about your story Kathi is that I think the mental image that can be concocted by a child of their dad in a dress is a lot different than seeing the real image in that for many of us, our female presentation can be much more advanced than what would be imagined otherwise. Either way though, no amount of mental steel wool will get rid of such an image, no matter what the source is.

So Kathi,How has it gone with your kids? I am Dad no matter how I am dressed and my 11 yr old daughter fully agrees!

Rogina, I admire where you are but any envy I might have starts and ends with the disclosure thing. If you daughter being around you dressed works for you, that is terrific. I presume you are full time, right?

Wow I am going through the same thing in my marriage. We have been married 20 years as well. I.m also at the point of not knowing what to do too. it seems unfair that if something gives us joy we have to hide or stop. There has to be a level playing field for both of us. Don't knoww what that is but there has a be a way for both to be happy. Yes there is a big elephant in our house.

A lot of it depends on whether this whole thing is something you do or something that is engrained in your being. I think the way our spouses react and cope differ depending on the species of trans that we might be, not to mention their own ideals that they grew up with. There are some things that simply cannot be overcome but regardless, as difficult as being trans might be for me, I have such empathy for my wife, and any spouse who has difficulty coping. This simply isn't part of what little girls dream of when they imagine marriage in their future.

It is really an unfortunate situation because we really aren't hurting anyone. It is not like being a drug addict, alcoholic, or a deadbeat. It is too bad that folks can't look at crossdressing and see it for what it really is. After all, women crossdress all of the time.

On a very superficial level you make a point. There are worse things that a woman can cope with than having a TG spouse. However, everything about who we are or what we do is still a societal outlier. But your overly simplistic POV betrays the fact that from what we can tell, you are not in a committed relationship so until you understand the dynamics of the giving & taking that comes with such territory, I believe you need to rethink your attitude.


And BTW, please don't anyone respond to "women crossdress all of the time" because for one thing we know that to be untrue but also, this thread is not the place for such discussion.

[ReineD]

And BTW, please don't anyone respond to "women crossdress all of the time" because for one thing we know that to be untrue but also, this thread is not the place for such discussion.

I wasn't planning to.

([SIZE="1"]since I'm the one who usually takes exception to this[/SIZE])

[Jamie001]

On a very superficial level you make a point. There are worse things that a woman can cope with than having a TG spouse. However, everything about who we are or what we do is still a societal outlier. But your overly simplistic POV betrays the fact that from what we can tell, you are not in a committed relationship so until you understand the dynamics of the giving & taking that comes with such territory, I believe you need to rethink your attitude.

Sara,

I have been in a committed relationship for 15 years. My situation is a lot different than your situation. There is a big difference! I am a feminine male that incorporates items from women's fashion into my appearance. Passing as a woman is not a goal. I am not attempting to deceiving anyone into believing that I'm a woman. I don't want SRS and and happy being a feminine male. Basically, I am the opposite of a Tomboy, and even though I am a social outlier, I am not as much of a social outlier as a male that completely dresses and attempts to pass as a woman. I simply stand for fashion freedom for men to be able to wear all clothing and the ability to express ourselves as we wish and feel. My most important goals is for get society to understand the gender is a continuum and the many folks cannot and will not be pigeon-holed into the "M" or "F" category of acceptable gender expression.

If you wanted to present as a feminine male by simply incorporating items from feminine fashion such as Capri Pants and Nail Polish (also known as Freestyling), your situation would be significantly different. I wish you the best in the decisions that you have made for your situation.

[Sally24]

I applaud your hard work in walking that "middle ground" Sara. It's not easy finding some kind of balance that works for all involved. I wish I had your choice with hair but mine is just a little too thin to work.

I wanted to comment on the children situation. I wasn't actively dressing when my kids were younger so it wasn't an issue. After I had been going out for several years we decided it was wise to tell them rather than have them find out accidently. They were both in their 20's and took it pretty well. My son is likely a little unsettled by it even though he.denies that. He's seen pictures but hasn't managed to go OUT with us yet. My daughter has been out with me many times, both shopping and clubbing. I think its healthy for them and I like the fact that they know ALL of the real me. It doesn't always turn out this well.but I think kids deserve the chance to share all of our life. By the way I'm only part time and don't forsee fulltime in my future.

[Rogina B]

I also want my kids to come to terms which who/what I am before they get into adulthood, at which time I have heard way too many tales of outright rejection of a trans parent.

Then again, should I even worry about that? We raise them to be tolerant and even yesterday my son was glued to the news when there was a "big" announcement about the boy scouts. When they said that the ban against gay leaders or members was to be lifted, he was like "is that all???" and went on to do his thing.

The thing about your story Kathi is that I think the mental image that can be concocted by a child of their dad in a dress is a lot different than seeing the real image in that for many of us, our female presentation can be much more advanced than what would be imagined otherwise. Either way though, no amount of mental steel wool will get rid of such an image, no matter what the source is.



Rogina, I admire where you are but any envy I might have starts and ends with the disclosure thing. If you daughter being around you dressed works for you, that is terrific. I presume you are full time, right?



A lot of it depends on whether this whole thing is something you do or something that is engrained in your being. I think the way our spouses react and cope differ depending on the species of trans that we might be, not to mention their own ideals that they grew up with.

My wife is a beautiful Venezuelan,much younger than I. In Latin countries,anyone out of the norm is painted with the very wide "gay brush".My transsexuality was important enough to me to want to have a comfortable and accepting homelife.I feel good that I have that and I have an 11 yr old daughter that is understanding gender a good bit more from it all.I don't believe that waiting years for kids to become late teens does anything positive at all.My opinion based on my experience.

[Jessica86]

May not seem very relavent, but I remember thinking about joining the police force. All of my friends supported me, as did my fiancee at the time. After joining and giving up my computer career, I started to see the true sides of people. I do not have one friend that I did back then. Also, my fiancee became my ex wife. Lots of people try to keep the factors out of the conversation because these things happen. Once you open your door for someone, you make it easier for them to close theirs on you. Just seems that way due to what I have been through. I started a whole new life....over a career choice.

[Sara Jessica]

Actually, she's going to the salon immediately preceding Diva Las Vegas in April and we're going over the top. Trim, layer, even bangs and highlights, all for a week of fun.

Only to return home and go straight back to the same stylist to cut it all off.

Yep, the elephant will be a bit tamer come mid-April. The thing is, my stylist has my best interest in mind. She knows exactly what I'm needing to achieve and we're going to try to dial it back to the point where I was about 3 months after I first went out without a wig. I was able to do a really terrific feminine style at that time even though I didn't have a fraction of the length I have now.

I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I will miss the simple joy of having long hair. Taking care of it is far from a chore, it is something I adore. As my friend Diana reinforced, getting attached to one's hair is far from irrational and yes, I may get emotional a time or two in Vegas thinking of the end being near. But it's a new beginning because it really will help my home life. And pretty much every step of the way as it grew out, I would say to myself "right on, I can stop here and be pretty darned happy", only to find myself that much more pleased the next step in it's growth.

I booked my appointments this morning, both the before & after. I have plenty of anticipation for obvious reasons (a week in Vegas) and a bit of trepidation to go along with it.

[Launa]

Actually, she's going to the salon immediately preceding Diva Las Vegas in April and we're going over the top. Trim, layer, even bangs and highlights, all for a week of fun.

Only to return home and go straight back to the same stylist to cut it all off.

Yep, the elephant will be a bit tamer come mid-April. The thing is, my stylist has my best interest in mind. She knows exactly what I'm needing to achieve and we're going to try to dial it back to the point where I was about 3 months after I first went out without a wig. I was able to do a really terrific feminine style at that time even though I didn't have a fraction of the length I have now.

I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I will miss the simple joy of having long hair. Taking care of it is far from a chore, it is something I adore. As my friend Diana reinforced, getting attached to one's hair is far from irrational and yes, I may get emotional a time or two in Vegas thinking of the end being near. But it's a new beginning because it really will help my home life. And pretty much every step of the way as it grew out, I would say to myself "right on, I can stop here and be pretty darned happy", only to find myself that much more pleased the next step in it's growth.

I booked my appointments this morning, both the before & after. I have plenty of anticipation for obvious reasons (a week in Vegas) and a bit of trepidation to go along with it.

You'll look great in any femme hairstyle you go with. Most of us don't have beautiful hair like yours to work with.

For me its wigs and more wigs!

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Actually, she's going to the salon immediately preceding Diva Las Vegas in April and we're going over the top. Trim, layer, even bangs and highlights, all for a week of fun.

Excellent. Make hair pretty!

[uote]Only to return home and go straight back to the same stylist to cut it all off.[/quote]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOO!

She knows exactly what I'm needing to achieve and we're going to try to dial it back to the point where I was about 3 months after I first went out without a wig. I was able to do a really terrific feminine style at that time even though I didn't have a fraction of the length I have now.

Yes, but your hair is even prettier now!

I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. But it's a new beginning because it really will help my home life.

I have mixed feelings too. Feeling #1 is to tell you to Not Cut the Hair. Feeling 2 says that you have to do what you have to do. And I want to support you even if my heart wants to see you keep the long hair and transition.

Veronica

[Sheren Kelly]

Thank you Sarah for demonstrating that our decisions don't just affect us. That you will pull back in consideration of your family is a sign of your love. I hope you have a great time at DLV and please take lots of pictures to share!

[Alice B]

It sounds as if the elephant is becoming a more accepted member of the family and is maturing. We'll have to get together and celebrate your new look once it happens. See you in Vegas at the elephant parade on the strip.

[AnneB1nderful]

I so much admire your maturity and decisiveness. You know who you are and what's important. Relationships are very important and in any relationship there is compromise. Hope to see you soon!!!

[Beverley Sims]

I made a flippant remark to Kathi Lake in Post #12 last June when you elephant was starting to move.
It referenced the fact that if you came out to some friends they would not believe you anyway.
In the time this post has been going I have read with interest your progress and subsequent advice you have had.
I like to think that some of this has rubbed off on to you and I look forward to seeing how your elephant likes Las Vegas.
I have nothing constructive to add but keep working at it as you both have, and good luck in Vegas.