The elephant in MY room is starting to make some noise

[Sara Jessica]

The last few weeks have been kind of strange. The last time I went out & about was in early-February when a work commitment took me up to the Valley and I was able to meet up with Anne. Since then, I've been less than inspired to go out which is odd, I should have been eager to seize each and every opportunity to go out and enjoy my long hair while I still have it. The chances to go out since have been plenty and I would seize upon any reason not to go. Work event out towards Los Angeles, a friend offers to carpool, I accept and therefore....no outing. Work event in the Valley, finding out there is a dinner afterwards, no biggie, no outing.

So I had been talking to my friend Kim in SD about possibly coming down for the Neutral Corner meeting which was yesterday but those same feelings kicked in and I was really looking for any reason NOT to go. I even emailed her Friday morning and told her exactly how I was feeling rather than make up some lame excuse why I could not go. Kim was gracious as always and said to let her know. I ended up deciding to give it a go on Friday night so yesterday I had an all-day outing. It was a nice day but most importantly, Neutral Corner ended up being a solid source of support, something that I don't demand of this group very often in that I personally see it as a social group rather than support. I explained what was going on during my portion of the roundtable and this ended up being quite the source of ongoing conversation to the point where others were truly touched by the gravity of what I was going through. We're not simply talking about hair, it has to do with navigation of this entire middle-path thing.

When all is said and done, the commitment has been made. It feels right. I'm admittedly very nervous. I run the risk of being very emotional about it. But I think I'll be alright with a little help from my friends, both in these pages and IRL.


...and now for some comments on the comments:

have mixed feelings too. Feeling #1 is to tell you to Not Cut the Hair. Feeling 2 says that you have to do what you have to do. And I want to support you even if my heart wants to see you keep the long hair and transition.

I hear where you're coming from Veronica. And for what it's worth, I don't see the hair and transition potential as being tied together. It's nice knowing that if I ever need to regrow it, I should be able to.

You'll look great in any femme hairstyle you go with. Most of us don't have beautiful hair like yours to work with.

Thank you for the support, I really hope that dialing back to one of my early hairstyles ends up being as fulfilling as I think it can be.

Thank you Sarah for demonstrating that our decisions don't just affect us. That you will pull back in consideration of your family is a sign of your love. I hope you have a great time at DLV and please take lots of pictures to share!

You know there will be plenty of pictures. After all, it's gonna be all about the hair!!!

It sounds as if the elephant is becoming a more accepted member of the family and is maturing. We'll have to get together and celebrate your new look once it happens. See you in Vegas at the elephant parade on the strip.

I am so very much looking forward to seeing you in Vegas!!!

I so much admire your maturity and decisiveness. You know who you are and what's important. Relationships are very important and in any relationship there is compromise. Hope to see you soon!!!

You are so right and I think the time has come for this compromise.

[Sara Jessica]

Sitting here at Paris Las Vegas awaiting Sherry to pick me up. Heading home from a near-perfect week of DLV. This means today is the day when well over three years of hair growth goes bye-bye.

There was a moment of fate earlier in the week. I tried some 100% human hair extensions at a kiosk in Fashion Show mall. I would need two boxes once my hair is shorter but I'm encouraged. They snap in easily and are even easier removed and can be styled with a flat or curling iron.

But last night at the dance club at Paris (where at least 25 of gathered after the ending celebration) I looked at my phone at 12:01 a.m. and the tears flowed like an open faucet. This time I would in fact be turning into a pumpkin. I sent a text over to Diana back home as she & Tim were unable to attend this year, soaking my phone. Soon though, my friends picked me up so my heartfelt thanks goes out to Danielle & Dana for doing so.

Some might scoff at the gravity I'm bringing to this but to me, this is a big deal. I know it will be OK but that doesn't make it any easier.

[steftoday]

Sorry about having to give up your hair Sara. I recall the promise you made earlier in this thread. I hope you're going to be ok...

[Sara Jessica]

The deed is done. To my surprise, there was a media presence outside along with protesters on both sides of the issue including a candlelight vigil imploring the courts to intervene in favor of my hair. Well the Governor didn't call and I present the evidence below.

Also to my surprise, it wasn't so much of an emotional thing at that moment, I let out that spontaneous burst of tears at the club the night before although I welled up as I saw the opportunity take shape. So the current style? In all honesty, it might be TOO feminine. Nope, I just took a peek in the mirror...it's DEFINITELY too feminine. That is unless I have it slicked back behind my ears. It is kind of thick in the back and tapers down into a bit of a bob style. I have bangs enough to comb them to the side, again...best to keep them behind the ears. I think it will be OK if the world will accept this as an acceptable style for a guy. Kind of an avant-garde alt-rock look, IMHO. And damn cute if I say so myself. Not so sure my wife is on board. I'll hear more in the days to come. I have a feeling this isn't quite over.

ps - The length she cut off would be about 2 1/2" longer had she not cut off that much last Sunday before I departed to Vegas. I was in desperate need of a healthy trim and layering. The remnants are going to Locks of Love. At least something good is guaranteed to come of this whole thing.

[DonniDarkness]

Sara,

Ive read through these pages of this thread as they have been going on.

I have a few questions.

Why exactly are you cutting your hair? (i must have missed it)

(I'm gathering that this is because its complicating your relationship? or work presentation?
Ive had long hair most of my life, working and living as a man. So i have a hard time with why you would cut it if you truly didnt want to.)

Do you feel that you would have the same "Ideation" of fully transitioning if there were less of a line of conformity within your personal life among friends work and family? As in, if the 15x15 closet was not a secret stash....or you were not condemned to storage bins....or didnt cater to an elephant in the room?

(The reason i ask this question is that when i started seeing my therapist a few years ago One of the first subjects to come up was how i saw myself transitioning.
In our conversation, i told her that when i thought about it (transition) I felt that i would compromising myself and that i felt pressured to choose one or the other so that the people in my life would accept me, but at the end of the day i did not see myself living fully as a woman. Only in those moments when i couldnt be "Me" did i ever wish to be part of the Female binary, but when i saw myself there i was not a transitioned female, i was just accepted as me. This conversation led to "What transition meant for me"....For me it came down to ultimately coming out about who i am, so that way there is no longer a separation between my Two separate identities, so that who i am can move about freely with the gender spectrum without the guilt that i am denying or compromising who i am. Sara, since that day i have slowly came out one step at a time, my friends know, i have a support circle within my family, my kids know about it, and i go out locally....and because of all this my quality of life has skyrocketed. I no longer stress about what other people think about my male appearance being too girly or worry about being clocked when im out. My dialog with people is optimistic and i no longer carry my elephant with me. Shes grazing in the front yard....
I just wanted to share with you what ive gone thru in the past year or two that once i made the steps to come out "balance" found me.)

After 20 years, I love her more than I did the day we got married

And you deserved to be loved back the same way.


-Donni-

[lithiaann]

sara,

i am married to a loving understanding wife that stands behind me 100%. that is also willing to help me in any way to be myself.we also have older kids,along with two younger childern.the older girls where a little standoffish at first, but have since come around. they only want me to be comfortable in myself. and as they say they get another gf.to hangout with..now,as for my 5 year old daughter she spoke her mind at first...but now she is liking the idea of having two mommies along with a dad too... my 2 year old he is very open with me ...he calls me mom too.he comes an cuddles with me alot more than when i am dad...witch i true like... so i say be open with your kids no matter what ...take time to talk with them about how they feel, and then tell them how you honestly feel as both male and female....good luck sara....myprayers are with you ...

[Sara Jessica]

Hi Donni,

I'll try to address your questions/comments.

First of all, the reason I am cutting my hair is predominantly for my wife. Fact of the matter is that when presenting as a guy, I look infinitely better with shorter hair. The slicked back look just isn't for me regardless of the ponytail in the back. And letting it down in guy mode isn't the best either. Frankly, she doesn't find me remotely attractive with long hair. I get that. I know people change their look over the years, some things voluntarily and others just happen with age or neglect. The hair was something which could be reversed so I did it for her. There was no ultimatum presented. I did this because I love her and was also tired of it being a periodic issue in our lives.

The result as I described above? The world failed to explode and I am very encouraged by my new options. That is if this new style isn't too difficult to guy-up which it may very well be. And in Vegas, a bit of fate intervened when I tried on those hair extensions. They look 1000% real and natural. I saw a young woman wearing them in a blow-dry salon I went to on Friday and you'd never have known she didn't have her own natural long hair. I have options to experiment with in this shorter style and the day will hopefully come when I can feel hair cascading across my shoulders and upper back that is actually attached to my head. Wearing a wig NEVER compared to real hair in that regard.

You then make reference to an ideation of transition which I perceive as a somewhat negative term, as if it is some sort of pipe dream which I am injecting myself into. I have said this before, that some who have transitioned may very well see my situation as a cop-out but the bottom line is that I am choosing to stay on this middle path, a term I have kind of co-opted to fit my situation. I CHOOSE to not put my family at risk by transitioning. Indeed, my wife is clear that she is gone if I go there. Let me make something else clear, others who choose to risk destruction of interpersonal relationships and career in favor of a decision to transition are not making a selfish or less noble decision in doing so. I am simply a proponent of this middle path being a valid CHOICE and way to live one's life. I will continue to do so as long as I am able to find fulfillment on both sides of the gender fence.

That said, you make reference to a gender fluidity which is at the crux of your own POV. That is also a valid place to be when dealing with this but it's not remotely close to how I see the world. As I have said many times in the past, I am all good with the gender binary which tends to exist in our world, I was simply drafted to the wrong team. While the changes I have made to my appearance may look to an outsider like I am trying to blur the lines in my day-to-day life, the changes are only there to reflect what is in my heart. I'm not trying to make a social statement in my daily presentation even if it might look that way on the surface.

Anyways, thank you Donni for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply. I really appreciate it.

[DonniDarkness]

You then make reference to an ideation of transition which I perceive as a somewhat negative term, as if it is some sort of pipe dream which I am injecting myself into.

Not what i meant by the ideation statement. It was to put context on how we think our transition will go, but once we are there we realize that the act of transitioning is much different once it happens. Our thoughts about Transitioning tend to take us to extremes sometimes and i was simply trying to put into words that transition means very different things do different people. Transitioning for me is simply just letting go of the self constructed censorship i had placed upon myself. There are no hormones or living full time or FFS,SRS,Augmentation in my future, by my choice. My choice is not because i fear negative repercussions it is because I LOVE MY LIFE...all of it. For me, making the choice to Transition Fully is societies answer for Transgenderism, not mine. I embrace my male side as much as my female tendencies, and taking away one or the other would destroy the beautiful me that everyone knows as Donnie, Donni, Dad, Son, Brother, Sister and friend.

So really i was just trying to convey that happiness can be found on your own terms.

Also i respect the reasons you cut your hair, although it saddens me a little there is one less guy in our culture rocking the long hair, i applaud you for making such a sacrifice for your relationship. I hope it finds some peace and common ground to really strengthen your relationship with your wife. I also hope that she learns to understand you better even if she never fully accepts that you are Transgender. There must be common ground in your relationship that gives you both freedom and happiness.

From my side of the fence Sara, i would say you are Transitioning and have been for quite some time, it might not be what other people think Transition should be, but its your transition mentally that speaks volumes to me. You've got yourself figured out, now you're at the point where your ready for everyone else to figure it out....And i totally get where you are right now....even if we have different paths on the gender spectrum.

Stay optimistic,
-Donni-

[PretzelGirl]

My heart still goes out to you Sara. Even though you can rock a new look, you still felt you had to give up something you wanted and that hurts even with a positive outcome. But you did it for all of the right reasons and I am sure that is a big part (or all) of what helps you through. Now I look forward to the pics of the new, shorter Sara hair!

[Kathi Lake]

Agree with Sue. What you did, you did by choice. What you did you did in the name of marital harmony. Sara, I salute you for this choice. I hope that both your new hair is cute (pictures, please!) and that your wife understands and appreciates your gesture.

Kathi

[KellyJameson]

This has been a powerful thread for the experience of gender dysphoria.

I'm relieved that you have been able to cut your hair without experiencing depression.

In my opinion transitioning should not be the first option, but the last.

That decision you make when you have one foot in the grave, otherwise it should be strongly resisted and every other possible strategy used to cope with it.

When you transition you are risking death either through the immediate act of transitioning or the long term affects of transitioning.

Hormones and surgery are extremely dangerous plus you risk losing the ability to enjoy your sexuality.

Do not allow others to define whether you are experiencing gender dysphoria or not or whether you are transsexual or not which basically means whether you are female or not.

Being female is the expression of how the brain is organized and this organization leads you down a path where you know you are female because you find yourself in other females.

It is a type of profound knowing that comes from experiencing the self in relation to others and the self in relation to how we dance with our environment.

Gender is an interactive experience and gender dysphoria is when the vessel we live in stops this experience by making it unnatural to live through the vessel we reside in creating pain so we attempt to change to live.

Everyone starts out female in the womb so it is only a question of movement from this original starting point.

Perhaps men feel this inside as the pull back to the beginning as female and that is why so many are insecure about their maleness and hold onto it so tightly.

They resist being what they naturally are as that which they were and always have been.

[ReineD]

Sara ... my deepest condolences for your hair.

The reason i ask this question is that when i started seeing my therapist a few years ago One of the first subjects to come up was how i saw myself transitioning.

In our conversation, i told her that when i thought about it (transition) I felt that i would compromising myself and that i felt pressured to choose one or the other so that the people in my life would accept me, but at the end of the day i did not see myself living fully as a woman. Only in those moments when i couldnt be "Me" did i ever wish to be part of the Female binary, but when i saw myself there i was not a transitioned female, i was just accepted as me. This conversation led to "What transition meant for me"....For me it came down to ultimately coming out about who i am, so that way there is no longer a separation between my Two separate identities, so that who i am can move about freely with the gender spectrum without the guilt that i am denying or compromising who i am.

Donni, honestly this needs to be emblazoned with lights and placed high up on the forum billboard for all to see.

Unlike you, my SO does not want his parents, sister, and nieces to know (they live far away) and my SO has no children. But, s/he has as much freedom to be herself as you do and this makes all the difference, in my opinion.

... i was simply trying to put into words that transition means very different things do different people. Transitioning for me is simply just letting go of the self constructed censorship i had placed upon myself. There are no hormones or living full time or FFS, SRS, Augmentation in my future, by my choice. My choice is not because i fear negative repercussions it is because I LOVE MY LIFE...all of it.

... So really i was just trying to convey that happiness can be found on your own terms.

This is another wonderful way to look at it (for non-type V or VI TSs). A transition to the true gender non-conforming self, rather than a transition from male to female. Well said.

[AnneB1nderful]

From my side of the fence Sara, i would say you are Transitioning and have been for quite some time, it might not be what other people think Transition should be, but its your transition mentally that speaks volumes to me. You've got yourself figured out, now you're at the point where your ready for everyone else to figure it out....And i totally get where you are right now....even if we have different paths on the gender spectrum.

Donni,
This is a wonderful comment that I hope everyone reads and ponders. Sara and I are great friends and she is much more experienced living out of the gender dysphoria closet than I. She has guided me thru confusing periods and let me figure things out on my own. Even though we are on different paths, our journey is similar (just as all of us have some commonality in this forum). I love to read and participate in these discussions that exemplify our differences yet bring solidarity to our plight.

This has been a powerful thread for the experience of gender dysphoria.

Do not allow others to define whether you are experiencing gender dysphoria or not or whether you are transsexual or not which basically means whether you are female or not.

Kelly,
Agree completely.

[Sara Jessica]

Our thoughts about Transitioning tend to take us to extremes sometimes and i was simply trying to put into words that transition means very different things do different people. Transitioning for me is simply just letting go of the self constructed censorship i had placed upon myself. There are no hormones or living full time or FFS,SRS,Augmentation in my future, by my choice. My choice is not because i fear negative repercussions it is because I LOVE MY LIFE...all of it. For me, making the choice to Transition Fully is societies answer for Transgenderism, not mine. I embrace my male side as much as my female tendencies, and taking away one or the other would destroy the beautiful me that everyone knows as Donnie, Donni, Dad, Son, Brother, Sister and friend.

So really i was just trying to convey that happiness can be found on your own terms.

I totally get where you are coming from and really appreciate the clarification. I guess my path is similar in that I am choosing to embrace that which makes me "me" on both sides of the gender fence and as I have said before, I can continue to do so as long as I am able to find fulfillment in both places.

Also i respect the reasons you cut your hair, although it saddens me a little there is one less guy in our culture rocking the long hair, i applaud you for making such a sacrifice for your relationship. I hope it finds some peace and common ground to really strengthen your relationship with your wife. I also hope that she learns to understand you better even if she never fully accepts that you are Transgender. There must be common ground in your relationship that gives you both freedom and happiness.

You have really hit on the essence of this whole decision. It's almost like you are close enough to see exactly what's going on. I guess that means I have conveyed my story in such a way that has enabled you to do so.

From my side of the fence Sara, i would say you are Transitioning and have been for quite some time, it might not be what other people think Transition should be, but its your transition mentally that speaks volumes to me. You've got yourself figured out, now you're at the point where your ready for everyone else to figure it out....And i totally get where you are right now....even if we have different paths on the gender spectrum.

Again, bullseye. You are very perceptive Donni and again, I have to thank you for taking the time to put your thoughts into writing.

Yes, this is my form of transition and where my Elephant comes into play in my everyday life is where a similarity if found compared to your situation. I'm not going so far as to say I'm ready for everyone to figure me out but at the same time, I don't have fear about that happening, short of what it could mean for my wife & kids (again, she has that "what would the neighbors say" mentality which I totally understand where's she's coming from).

This is my transition, for better or for worse. I'm really curious to see how it plays out over the next several years. Will people figure me out and say "meh"? Will my GID propel me to places I have not envisioned in my own personal blueprint for the future? There is a significant chance of that happening which I must acknowledge. My own GID is an eternal slow-burn like the sun and erupts from time to time like a solar flare. Each flare seems to be a bit larger & hotter than the previous one. Maintaining my path requires containment of these flares.

I'm relieved that you have been able to cut your hair without experiencing depression.

Many fine points Kelly, thank you for sharing.

The one above stuck out because there was a significant period of depression during the weeks/months leading up to the deed. I acknowledge that. And at this point it's kind of creeping back. Maybe it's because I haven't had a chance to explore what this new look can mean for my female presentation but more significantly, I can see pretty much any woman out there with long hair and my mind is set off into fits. Given the number of women who fit that description, I had better get a grip or things are going to get really rough.

Sara and I are great friends and she is much more experienced living out of the gender dysphoria closet than I. She has guided me thru confusing periods and let me figure things out on my own. Even though we are on different paths, our journey is similar (just as all of us have some commonality in this forum). I love to read and participate in these discussions that exemplify our differences yet bring solidarity to our plight.

That is why the sharing of ideas in a forum such as this is so important. There is no right or wrong way to approach the essence of our being. Everyone has to manage based on the variables in their own life.

My heart still goes out to you Sara. Even though you can rock a new look, you still felt you had to give up something you wanted and that hurts even with a positive outcome. But you did it for all of the right reasons and I am sure that is a big part (or all) of what helps you through. Now I look forward to the pics of the new, shorter Sara hair!

Agree with Sue. What you did, you did by choice. What you did you did in the name of marital harmony. Sara, I salute you for this choice. I hope that both your new hair is cute (pictures, please!) and that your wife understands and appreciates your gesture.

Kathi

Thank you Sue & Kathi for your support.

[Sara Jessica]

(...before this thread gets locked due to inactivity)

Feeling like my little theory has run it's course and with my participation in these pages waning of late, I thought I'd write a quick epilogue to the tale.

My hair is cut and to my absolute surprise, the world failed to explode (©Erica). In fact, I think the new look only makes my Elephant that much more visible but at the end of the day, the anticipated result remains, marital harmony with my hair being pretty much a non-issue (which means that between the two of us, the gender thing becomes somewhat of a non-issue as well).

My resolve continues to live my life in an ongoing effort to achieve fulfillment on both sides of the gender fence. As long as I find this, I will manage along my own path without worry of any sort of validation from others. I know who I am, I know what I am. Those who truly know me understand this as well.

Who says love cannot win out over a lifetime of gender dysphoria? There is no shame in letting love win. I choose love as I choose my path. While I would never begrudge anyone else for choosing a different path, at the same time I will not apologize for choosing mine. There is no shame in choosing to remain by the side of the woman I fell for way back when. Love at first sight, yeah, pretty much. Or at least love at first sight when neither of us were encumbered with another. Engaged within six months, married a few years later. She stood by as I fought a battle against cancer which was diagnosed barely two months after we were married. We put off having children for a number of years because of my fear of not being able to be there for them, a fear of being stolen away by an insidious disease. I cannot fathom stealing myself from their daily lives by way of transition.

There is no shame in the joy I experience each morning when I wake up my little girls to face yet another beautiful day. There is no shame being a daily witness to my son growing into an amazing young man. I choose not to give up these things. I choose to be a daily part of all of their lives, something which most certainly would be stripped of me if I were to go down a transition path. Yet I feel zero resentment towards my wife in being put in a position to make such a choice. I sealed my own deal the day I asked her to be my wife and cemented my fate as our family flourished over the years. She understands enough of my essence to give me the space to be myself. Very little is the result of negotiation, she rarely says "no" to anything I might do or bring up (hair notwithstanding but that was an attraction thing which I totally get).

There is no shame in the life I have cultivated on the female side of the fence. The chance to simply be, the countless friends I have made, the experiences...these sustain me despite my moments of doubt as to whether this choice of mine is truly sustainable. My biggest fear is what effect this constant feeling of my insides being crushed by a vice is having on my heart. I choose love and in doing so I am hopeful that peace in my heart will win out as well. If transition could bring peace to my heart, I would rather die young surrounded by love than live to a ripe old age as a woman but largely alone.

Such is my choice.

[Kathi Lake]

Such is our choice, indeed. Peace always wins out. Eventually. UNtil that time, you have the love of your wife, children, and friends to sustain you. I'd say you're doing fine.



Kathi

[Miranda09]

I think you have everything going for you Sara, and it will only get better. As Kathy said, you have family and friends (including those here) who will always be there for you as you have been there for them. Keep smiling!!

[Suzanne F]

Thank you Sara! That makes sense to me! I don't want to lose my wife and son and be a woman alone. I treasure my experience as Suzanne but I want to make sure I don't lose sight of what I have in my loving family.
Suzanne

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Sounds like me about 5 years before I transitioned...
I wish you the best and I think you are making the right choice for yourself right now. You are right that you have nothing to be ashamed of.

It's not just about love though.

I love my kids at least as much as you.. I love my Ex-wife just as much
... I couldn't love or cherish anyone more...but the intensity of the problem became a living hell... what I wanted and who I loved disappeared in a soul crushing tidal wave that I never ever anticipated...
and I begged for years of therapy for it to end...it never did..

Your future will be decided by the intensity of your nature, not by your deep love of your family.

I see my kids every day, my ex spends a ton of time with me and our family is as close as ever...my oldest daughter is in college and wrote a successful entrance essay about her dad.
You are framing transition as loss when its not the case every time, you are framing it as an unloving act when it is not.


I realize I am in the CD side, so fire away, but I am just keeping it real..this is serious stuff!!!

[kimdl93]

Sara, it seems you've made a totally rational choice. In spite of that, my own insides hurt when I read the comment about your insides being crushed by a vice each day. I hope your able to express to your wife the magnitude of the inner conflict you feel each day...not to coerce some concession from her...but to let her know the depth of your commitment to your family, and perhaps to help open the path to more full expression of yourself as a human being.

the life you have chosen has its compensations, certainly, as has mine. But don't abandon all hope for more.

[Sara Jessica]

Kaitlyn, thank you for posting your thoughts.

I've made something crystal clear, both in this thread and elsewhere. There is no unsaid implication that just because I choose to do X, Y or Z in the name of love for my family that anyone else who takes a different path loves theirs any less.

There is no way to quantify love. It means different things to different people. You may love your family much more than I love mine. I might love mine more than you love yours. At the end of the day it doesn't matter for a multitude of reasons and if it did, because it cannot be measured renders the entire point moot.

And the same holds true for an individuals degree of being trans. It's not necessarily a scale of inevitability which will run it's course if one is truly a transsexual woman. The intensity of my nature may very well be greater than yours. Yours might be greater than mine. Like love, there's no way to tell. The path one chooses is not a sole arbiter as an attempt to measure the unmeasurable because everyone copes differently. Everyone has variables to contend with that affect the decision making process. Simply put, every trans woman has a different breaking point and reaching that point is not mandatory.

Regardless of the widespread loss that is experienced by many who transition, I frame my own transition as a loss because it is something I know to be true. I WOULD LOSE MY WIFE, simple as that. She has made this crystal clear so for me, transition = guaranteed loss. The kids are a different story as she has also made it clear that she would do all she could to ensure that the kids still love me were I to go down a path of transition. That gives me some comfort but not enough to toss aside what I have with my wife.

One thing that has become clear over the last several days since writing the above post is that my entire focus has changed. I will no longer focus on coping and instead, I will go back to living. Life is not something to survive, it's a gift to embrace. I will no longer dwell on what it means to be on the path that I am on and how I can possibly maintain it in the face of what is in my heart. I choose a life free of those shackles. What I didn't anticipate is that the mundane nature of the last few days have been among my happiest days over the course of the last ten years or so. I have embraced the little joys in my everyday routine through an entirely new perspective. Who knew that a change in attitude could have such a profound positive effect???

[Lexi_83]

I broke up with a GF who I didn't tell I crossdressed and didn't like the idea when I did tell her, just before breaking up. I was never anything but nice to her, and her response was to out me to most of our mutual friends.

Some of them broke off connection. Some of them keep in touch but don't want to hear anything about that part of my life. A few are at least a little supportive and there are only two women and 1 1/2 guys who have actually been what you would call supportive. In the long run it was the best thing that ever happened to me, as at least when I'm with them they know this part of me. And since then I've gotten several requests from wives whose husbands are interested in dressing and want to help.

So it's good and bad, but mostly good.

[ReineD]

One thing that has become clear over the last several days since writing the above post is that my entire focus has changed. I will no longer focus on coping and instead, I will go back to living. Life is not something to survive, it's a gift to embrace. I will no longer dwell on what it means to be on the path that I am on and how I can possibly maintain it in the face of what is in my heart. I choose a life free of those shackles. What I didn't anticipate is that the mundane nature of the last few days have been among my happiest days over the course of the last ten years or so. I have embraced the little joys in my everyday routine through an entirely new perspective. Who knew that a change in attitude could have such a profound positive effect???

This is so good to read!!!

I can't possibly compare my situation to yours since gender issues don't come into it for me, but I've been stuck during the last 5-6 years wanting something resolved that simply is not resolving. It caused a deep depression, and for several years I did not know how to enjoy the here and now, simply because I was regretting what wasn't.

Your words ring true for everyone, Sara. This is why they are so brilliant! You are making a choice and realizing it is in YOUR power to make the choice, so now you are prepared to put your best foot forward. You're taking control of your life again. This is what I must do too. Thank you for typing this.

[Kathi Lake]

I will no longer focus on coping and instead, I will go back to living.

Yayyyyy! She gets it! Good for you, girl. Life is for living, not thinking about how to live.

Who knew that a change in attitude could have such a profound positive effect???

*cough* *cough*

You are making a choice and realizing it is in YOUR power to make the choice, . . .

As it has always been. Maybe one day people will realize that even when you are choosing to let your spouse have what some would call the "upper hand" in your appearance and activities - not necessarily authority, but input - that that is a valid choice for all of us - no matter where on the spectrum we sit.

Sara, you know how much we care for you here. We hurt with you in the bad moments, and rejoice with you in the magical ones as well.

Kathi