My wife found out and not in a good way

[Regan]

To all:

On our family trip down to Florida my wife found a text from another CD and we pulled over and I had to tell her that it was a man and I am a cross dresser and not sure if I am gay. It has been very stressful. As far as the dressing goes she said it is what it is, she is not interested in it and does not want me doing it in the house because of the kids. Seh wants me to see a therapist about both the dressing and gay items. She is devastated a feels her life has been torn apart. She is mainly mad at the deception around chatting with other men. So I have an appointment a week from Saturday and we are going from there. I should have listened to a lot of you ladies and just told her about the dressing and my sexuality confusion. But I let my fear run my life and now I am not sure if we will be together in the future. But I do want to thank all of you for your support and I will try and keep you updated when I can, I won't be able to be on line a lot, destroyed the trust in the house.

Love

Regan

[Marissa]

Wow, what a way for it all to come out (no pun intended) but I hope you understand all that you put her through.. hope it works out to the best for BOTH of you..

[Regan]

MArissa

I do know what I have done and I am feeling very depressed and ashamed at what I have done to her. And Thanks

[Jacqueline Winona]

Regan, very sad to hear about this. There's never an easy way- tell them, and risk their anger and disgust that you're not the man they thought you were, don't tell and get found out and risk a wife's anger about deception (in addition to the previous thoughts). Don't beat yourself up on this, just pick up the pieces the best you can and move forward.

[paulaprimo]

regan,

so sorry to hear that your wife found out, the way she did. i'm sure that that was not the way you wanted her to find out, but it is what is is. please don't feel depressed and ashamed. this is only one aspect of your life which we all have a strong urge to follow. don't let this take away from the husband you have been and the feelings you have for you wife. you are still the same wonderful person...who has a desire to dress. things will get better and hopefully this turns out to be a blessing in disguise. wish you the best of luck and we are all here for you!! paula

[BobbieBrooks]

Trust can be rebuilt. Keep lines of communication open with her. NO more secrets. Hugs

BobbieB

[Kathy4ever]

How she find the text? Was she rummaging through your phone or did the man text you while you were traveling? I disagree with BobbieBrooks as with time some trust can be earned back but I don't think you will ever get it back 100%. You will find that it feels like she wants to know what you are doing or where you are going all the time. Maybe it is innocent or maybe it is not. I wiish you good luck with this one.

[Marleena]

Oh crap! This is not good. Regan keep in mind people don't just turn gay. This might be the Bi when dressed thing, it might just be a fantasy.

Here's something to keep in mind. If you find yourself attracted to another CDer you might be attacted to the femininity. We are creating an illusion when we dress. Just picture them with their clothes off and that should kill it for you.

Counselling is the right choice and I hope your wife cools off. I can't imagine how she felt.

Best of luck!

[STACY B]

Ill bet its more of the texing another person problem than a dressing problem ? Unfatefulness is far worse than a little girl dressing ,,No trust no relationship ! Sorry ,,But keep in mind if it works out ya better count your blessings !

[Paula_56]

This is why I never give out my cell number when meeting other sisters. My meetings are all platonic, but if my wife found out she would freak

[Sara Jessica]

Talk about a double-whammy.

"Yes honey, I like to dress up as a woman. Oh yeah, if that's not hard enough to get your head around, I might be gay as well."

One of these is a given, that you dress up. The other is a supposition by your own admission, that you "are not sure if you are gay". Frankly, that part of it should have been kept quiet. On the dressing front, you might have skated free with a DADT arrangement (based on her reaction to that part of it). On the other, all bets are off. Any woman would have such a difficult time with that admission. Seems a waste to make her feel that way, especially because you don't even know what's up. You could have told her about this part later (if you are in fact gay) once you come to grips with it.

And when you say to her "OK honey, that gay thing, just forget about it because that's not me", do you really think she can, or will?

[daviolin]

Regan, now that the cats out of the bag, the long journey to recovery has just begain. I know, been there done that. Its been three years with my wife and its getting better. I live just down the road apiece from you. Wayland Mi. Please write me. Maybe we can hook up and share. Can't hurt. Daviolin

[Beth Mays]

Talk about a double-whammy.....
And when you say to her "OK honey, that gay thing, just forget about it because that's not me", do you really think she can, or will?

Like a car that has been in an accident... no amount of paint or body work will un-do the collision.

[Antoinette]

Wow that's truly unfortunate. You've got a major challenge to go through, hope you pull through it (v^-^)b

[Ally 2112]

A very tough way to find out .I know a lot of the people on this forum are afraid to tell their spouses but them finding out this way is way worse (my opin).I hope all the best for you and things work out

[LaLaChic]

Are you sexually attracted to men in men's clothing? If yes, then you are gay. Are you attracted to men only when they're in women's clothing? Then you may be "straight" - a Kinsey 1 or 2. Perhaps you're attracted to the feminine mystique AND someone who accepts your cross dressing. Acceptance is intoxicating. Being able to open up to someone who shares your experiences and pain is probably amazing. If this is the case, you may want to work with your counselor to help your wife understand that you crave acceptance.

[celeste26]

This is exactly why many of us prefer to tell anyone we are serious with all about being CD before we marry. Unless of course you started afterward. There really are enough GG's who enjoy and support our activity so that we can all have the open and honest relationships we need.

I sincerely hope that any counseling includes you wife, since she is the one who needs it more than you at this time.

[Rebecca Star]

Trust can be rebuilt. Keep lines of communication open with her. NO more secrets.

Bobbie is right.
Though your going have to eat humble pie for a while.

I don't want to sound like a stick in the mud but honesty is always the best policy. Right now your SO is not only feeling deceived but also confused and is probably also thinking her marriage has been a big sham.

And most probably numb about the entire gambit of your sexuality. Things like safe sex for one etc...etc.

I sincerely hope that any counseling includes you wife, since she is the one who needs it more than you at this time.

The only advice I can offer is... From this point onward telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth!

[TGMarla]

Yes, I'm real sure the therapy can "cure" you, presuming, of course, that there's actually something wrong with you.

[suchacutie]

There are two separate items here, one that has many relationship options (your crossdressing), and one that has fewer relationship options (if you determine you are gay).

She got hit with both of them and the exploding trust issue, and now, unfortunately, has them all mixed together.

I see that she wants you in therapy, but I really think she needs help as well right now. Her emotional explosion needs a place to vent before everything around her is destroyed by the blast. Ask her if she would join you in separate and, eventually, joint therapy. You might have to wait until after your first session so that you can bring up this possibility with your therapist and then tell your wife that the therapist would like to see her as well (assuming he/she does).

my best hopes,

tina

[JenniferR771]

Ragan,
I do not recommend therapy...because...there are too many of them that have no experience or training in gender problems. Unfortunately most of them are willing to give it a shot. You want to avoid the big mental health center on 68th street. It has a conservative religious origin. My counselor gave me a book on sexual addiction. His main cleint speciality was peeping Toms, porn addiction, alcohol addiction and drug addiction. Later he borrowed a book from me, "My husband wears my clothes." His advice "Get rid of all your stuff, apologize, come clean and she will forgive you." I did. She didn't.

I suggest read through the websites of the available people; don't let your wife choose the therapist. Choose someone who has their own books, actual training and experience with crossdressers.

Married with children? Not likely you are gay. Few gay men will put up with living with a woman.

We are born this way. All crossdressers keep it secret, at first. Its the shame, resulting from society disapproval.

Did you wife tell you her complete sexual history before you got married?

Earn her trust. Nobody's perfect. Everyone has a sexual side.

[CINDYO]

i would pretty much think that at your age, you have a darn good idea, actually you know whether you are gay. FacE the facts, i feel so much empathy for your wife, my heart breaks for her. What a brutal way for her to find out. No excuse except selfishness for that!!!! How in the world could you be so lax as to let her find out that way, no only the crossdressing but also that you THINK you MIGHT be gay. How devestating, cruel to her.

[Kaz]

This CD thing definitely causes to question things about ourselves and I will admit to having considered the 'gay' issue continually... by long term enduring personal reflection and challenge I am still sure that I am not... BUT... we all know that this is one of the biggest fears that or SOs have when they 'discover' we are CD. Sadly I agree with others here in that you didn't have dump that on her at the same time... I think that will have been very hard for her to take in. She will need a lot of time to rationalise all this and figure it out in the context your historic life together... she will be revisiting everything I suspect.

But... I am not judgmental and we all need to learn from our mistakes (Jeez, don't I have a few!) and move forward... In the UK we are not so reliant on counselling, we are more into personal reflection and self-awareness... you need to very nice to her and show her that you are the person she thought you were... You are in a real danger that she will think you have both been living a lie since you met!

[ReineD]

She is mainly mad at the deception around chatting with other men.

Yup, that would do it!

This more about where the CDing leads you when you're dressed. I followed past links that you've posted, and honestly if you spent as much energy being interested in sexual pursuits that had nothing to do with the CDing or feminine men (if for example you actively pursued young women online for sex for example), or if you were having a physical or an emotional affair with another woman, or even if you were heavily involved in hetero porn, I think your wife would have an equally difficult time with it.

If you find a therapist that you like, please know that the issue isn't about the CDing just in itself. It's about spending sexual energy outside your marriage to the point where it negatively impacts it.

[Eryn]

Like a car that has been in an accident... no amount of paint or body work will un-do the collision.

Having seen some amazing restorations, I know that this isn't true for either cars or people.

Much depends upon how committed one is to the relationship and how committed the partner is. It is situations like this where you find out whether you and your partner really meant the "for better or worse" part of the marriage vows or if, like 50% of the population, someone lied.

No marriage is static. Every relationship evolves, sometimes gradually, sometimes abruptly, and each partner learns to accommodate the changes in the other.

If the commitment is there and you keep the lines of communications open and you'll do well. I'm hoping for the best!