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Thread: I Ran, But I Could Not Hide . . . .

  1. #1
    ghost Anne2345's Avatar
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    I Ran, But I Could Not Hide . . . .

    It has been a while since I last posted on this forum. Truth be told, I have had very little, if anything, to write about recently.

    Or maybe I have it all wrong. Instead, maybe there has been very little recently that I have been willing to write about, or to even acknowledge (whether it is to myself or others), over the past couple of months.

    Either way, I am typically not at a loss for words. I can usually find something to write about, no matter how ridiculous, innocuous, or out there in left field the subject matter may be.

    Right now, though, as I type, and as I have considered these words for a while now, I have nothing specifically to write about or to substantively offer the membership. In fact, I have struggled much of late with the words of this “return” post, but to no real avail. As such, please forgive me as I just wing it, and place my thoughts, such that they are, into writing.

    Regardless, it’s not that I am without emotions and feelings, because I most definitely suffer all too much for mine. It’s not that I feel empty, because I do not. It’s not that I do not desire support, because I need support as much as anybody else. And it’s not that I shy away from friendship, because I probably need friendship now more than I ever have.

    So what gives? What’s the deal with me?

    The answer remains elusive, and just out of touch. I can almost see it. I can almost feel it. I can almost taste it. I can almost understand it for what it is. I can almost grasp it, trap it, take ownership of it, and make it my own, except that I just can’t quite get there. It is sooooo close, yet still frustratingly out of reach.

    I do know, though, that I was sick and tired of myself before I walked away from the hallowed electronic pages of this forum. I was too obsessed with gender for too long. It was too intense. I had to step away from it, and I had to step away from myself. I just needed away. I just needed to be. I just needed to exist, without more, without thought, without desire, and without emotion.

    Of course, we all know the destination of this false path. It circles right back to the point of entry, and it does so mercilessly, efficiently, and with amplification. There is no away. There is no escape. You can run, but you can’t hide. Surprise, surprise, I was neither able to step away from myself, nor able to remove myself from the larger picture.

    As a result, I have been no less obsessed with my gender issues during my “time off” than I was before I left. I was hopeful that I could simply turn off some internal switch, and go on a personal vacation from my transgendered mind, thoughts, and emotions. But alas, it simply does not work this way, and it has not worked this way for me.

    The thing is, I miss the forum. I miss the membership. I miss the discussions. I miss the support. And beyond all of that, I miss my friends.

    I hope that I can again find myself included within this magnificent fellowship, and that I will be invited in as I was before. For whatever it is worth, if it is worth anything at all, I am happy to be back this night. And in the event you all welcome me back with open arms, I very much look forward to our renewed relationship.

    Anne

  2. #2
    Cindy: Version 2.5 Cindy M's Avatar
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    Welcome back Anne
    *Gives You a Big Hug*
    ​Cindy

  3. #3
    Member Karinsamatha's Avatar
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    Welcome home Anne!
    I understand the feeling of having to step back for a while. I went through something very much like what you describe not to long ago. That was a point that encouraged me to see a gender therapist. It gets better when you talk about it to someone. Isolation serves no purpose but to cut you off from your support.

    A prisoner in a kings disguise - Styx

  4. #4
    In transmission whowhatwhen's Avatar
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    Welcome back!

    Quote Originally Posted by Karinsamatha View Post
    Welcome home Anne!
    I understand the feeling of having to step back for a while. I went through something very much like what you describe not to long ago. That was a point that encouraged me to see a gender therapist. It gets better when you talk about it to someone. Isolation serves no purpose but to cut you off from your support.

    I'm going to second this, if you aren't already seeing someone it may be a good idea to start.
    Posting here can be a relief, but actually talking to someone you trust and being able to open up is miles ahead. LMK If you do find that "TG Thoughts off" button.

  5. #5
    Gold Member Marleena's Avatar
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    And we missed you too Anne. We welcome you back with open arms!

    Fighting it is futile... Accept and try to find a balance is all we can do. It takes time.

  6. #6
    Banned Spammer
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    Welcome back Anne seems you have had some time away, hope you found whatever it was you were looking for.

  7. #7
    Banned Read only
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    Welcome back my hometown friend.

  8. #8
    The best of both worlds Kathi Lake's Avatar
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    Welcome back!

    As someone who is also taking a bit of a sabbatical, I hear your heart.

    Kathi

  9. #9
    Senior Member Jacqueline Winona's Avatar
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    Welcome back, old friend!

  10. #10
    My Ship has sailed? Barbara Ella's Avatar
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    Welcome back Dear Anne. I know there are times when nothing seems to connect, and the only solution is to step away. You may not have been posting, but your presence was still here, and the only welcome back is to say we missed you and are glad you are here, and the relationships will continue as they were. There is really nothing to be renewed, just a treasured friend choosing to visit again, and being hugged warmly I/we missed your words.

    Warm Hugs, Barbara
    He (she) who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance.
    - Friedrich Nietzche -
    I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.

  11. #11
    Senior Member KellyJameson's Avatar
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    Welcome back, your feminine touches to the forum were missed

    I did not find God when I first went looking, all I found were others opinions of who and what God is and is not.

    When I stopped looking toward others and put my trust in God to introduce me to God that is when I took the first step onto my spiritual path that led to God and now I understand others relationship to God because I now have my own and it is very different from others but still the same.

    It has been the same when I went looking for myself, the more I looked the less I understood because I was looking for something that was already there so could not be found but only uncovered.

    Being TG is in many ways a spiritual reawakening but what has been slumbering is ourselves put to sleep by an unaccepting world, it is a path back to love.

  12. #12
    Life is for having fun. suzy1's Avatar
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    Anne?……………………..yes, I remember you!

    Do you remember me?


    SUZY
    Last edited by suzy1; 06-25-2012 at 02:22 AM.

  13. #13
    Gold Member erickka's Avatar
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    Welcome back Anne. You just did what you had to do. We all go through those phases from time to time. I'm glad you are back, and I also missed you as much as everyone else. Hope you can hang out for a while longer!

  14. #14
    Gold Member Cynthia Anne's Avatar
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    Some times we all need a little ''vacation'' to relax! I don't think you need to give your ''friends'' including ''me'' a second thought! A ''vacation'' can be much needed! But you can't take a vacation without your ''true'' friends sticking with you no matter where you go or how long you're gone! So young lady, the vacation is over! It's time to get back to the ole grind and put the wisdom you have into words that we enjoy so much! Welcome back girlfriend! Hugs!
    If you don't like the way I'm livin', you just leave this long haired country girl alone:

  15. #15
    Member gaylegirlify's Avatar
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    Welcome back Anne, i hear your words and find you have voiced something that i feel from time to time and could not find the words to describe it, you are always welcome here i am sure we all need some time out every now and then.

    Hugs from Gayle

  16. #16
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    There And Back Again

    One never leaves home and comes back again quite the same. What's new, Anne?
    Lea

  17. #17
    Breakin' social taboos TGMarla's Avatar
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    Hi again, Anne. We all (well, many of us, anyway) take a sabbatical now and again, myself included. Good to see you again.

    Any money found in the laundry is MINE!


    "This is no social crisis....this is me having fun!"

    www.flickr.com/photos/tgmarla/

  18. #18
    I just Love being a Gurl! bobbimo's Avatar
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    ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((ANNE)))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))
    welcome Back Anne!
    This is the place to be!
    Bobbi
    Aint nothin gonna happen that aint supposed too!

  19. #19
    Senior Member Laura912's Avatar
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    It is a comforting place to which one returns...maybe a little addictive? You have lived here longer than I, so it is strange welcoming you to your own place.

  20. #20
    Aspiring Member Amanda22's Avatar
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    I missed you and welcome you back. I need my friends here, too. Without this forum, I'd feel very isolated. I don't know that I'll ever be able to fully explain myself or make complete sense of who I am. I'm finding life is more enjoyable if I laugh and not stress over understanding everything.

  21. #21
    Silver Member Tina B.'s Avatar
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    Just goes to show, you can't hide from yourself, because no matter where you go, there you are!
    Welcome home Anne, it's about time you got back!
    Tina B.
    Magic is the art of changing consciousness at will.

  22. #22
    Aspiring Member ronda's Avatar
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    the one thing about a good friend is you can step away for a time to look at your self you were missed but when you are ready to step and be seen again it is like you never left so it is good to see you are back Hugs Ronda
    hugs
    Ronda

  23. #23
    Platinum Member
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    All I have to say is "Welcome back, Anne. I missed you."

  24. #24
    The Girl will Out! Kaz's Avatar
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    Anne, my friend, it is so great to have you back. We all need a break now and again, just so we know where we want to be, and often it is the place we last left...
    Kaz xx

    __________________________________________________ ____________

    This Woman Within is Flying without Wings

  25. #25
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    Anne, I have had the same thing happen. Most of what I do now I have talked about or I feel that they people here would not really be interested in. I think I have reached a plateau. I hope it is just a plateau and not over the hill though. I am sure things will turn around and soon you will be posting with vigor again. Sometimes we just need a breather right?
    The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
    Chief Joseph
    Nez Perce



    “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,

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