It has been a while since I last posted on this forum. Truth be told, I have had very little, if anything, to write about recently.
Or maybe I have it all wrong. Instead, maybe there has been very little recently that I have been willing to write about, or to even acknowledge (whether it is to myself or others), over the past couple of months.
Either way, I am typically not at a loss for words. I can usually find something to write about, no matter how ridiculous, innocuous, or out there in left field the subject matter may be.
Right now, though, as I type, and as I have considered these words for a while now, I have nothing specifically to write about or to substantively offer the membership. In fact, I have struggled much of late with the words of this “return” post, but to no real avail. As such, please forgive me as I just wing it, and place my thoughts, such that they are, into writing.
Regardless, it’s not that I am without emotions and feelings, because I most definitely suffer all too much for mine. It’s not that I feel empty, because I do not. It’s not that I do not desire support, because I need support as much as anybody else. And it’s not that I shy away from friendship, because I probably need friendship now more than I ever have.
So what gives? What’s the deal with me?
The answer remains elusive, and just out of touch. I can almost see it. I can almost feel it. I can almost taste it. I can almost understand it for what it is. I can almost grasp it, trap it, take ownership of it, and make it my own, except that I just can’t quite get there. It is sooooo close, yet still frustratingly out of reach.
I do know, though, that I was sick and tired of myself before I walked away from the hallowed electronic pages of this forum. I was too obsessed with gender for too long. It was too intense. I had to step away from it, and I had to step away from myself. I just needed away. I just needed to be. I just needed to exist, without more, without thought, without desire, and without emotion.
Of course, we all know the destination of this false path. It circles right back to the point of entry, and it does so mercilessly, efficiently, and with amplification. There is no away. There is no escape. You can run, but you can’t hide. Surprise, surprise, I was neither able to step away from myself, nor able to remove myself from the larger picture.
As a result, I have been no less obsessed with my gender issues during my “time off” than I was before I left. I was hopeful that I could simply turn off some internal switch, and go on a personal vacation from my transgendered mind, thoughts, and emotions. But alas, it simply does not work this way, and it has not worked this way for me.
The thing is, I miss the forum. I miss the membership. I miss the discussions. I miss the support. And beyond all of that, I miss my friends.
I hope that I can again find myself included within this magnificent fellowship, and that I will be invited in as I was before. For whatever it is worth, if it is worth anything at all, I am happy to be back this night. And in the event you all welcome me back with open arms, I very much look forward to our renewed relationship.
Anne