The Walls Of Denial

[Maria D]

I have no problem with God. Ha, I pray to Him, I believe in Him, love Him and I suspect he may even care for me. But I DO have a problem with the Christian churches. They tell people what is right and wrong, how to life their lives and how to get into heaven, based on very flimsy human interpretations of religious texts. They claim that in certain matters, they can't be wrong, since God is directing them. Well 'I' claim that's a load of rubbish.
Yes, you say 'God created us this way, He can't be wrong, right?'
They glibly say 'Yes, he did create you this way, but only so you can do the RIGHT thing by NOT doing it. THAT'S how you'll go to heaven.'
And remember, you can't argue, since they can't be wrong.

Yet I look at the past of, say, the catholic church, at all the mistakes it has made, the atrocities commited, the murders sactioned, the wars backed for human gain, the politics, the things sold by popes to rip people off (like papal indulgences), all the 'human' touches God clearly didn't 'authorise', all the things the church has said sorry for, and I think 'The church, in my opinion, by its past actions, has lost its right to dictate what is morally right and wrong.' I find myself wondering how God feels about all the bad things done in his name. Does the church really have the right to decide, over and above God, who goes to heaven? (They claim so, since Jesus gave Peter the metaphorical keys to heaven.)
Well, that's my rant!

Sammy, I really do feel for you, it's a horrible situation. Please don't feel that this will definitely mean a life alone though. I know it always feels like that, I felt that for many years when I was single. I always thought 'why would anyone want someone defective like me?' Then I met someone who did want me, and who slowly convinced me that I'm not defective, just different.
I'm not trying to convince you either way, it's your life to live, but please remember, neither path has to be totally black, and whatever you DO do, you never know what's going to happen next. Sometimes good things happen.

Take care
Maria
xxx

[Adele 2005]

To quote Julie:

"Where we will excel is when we hold our heads high and live our lives in a way that fits our personna. That's courage. That's what sets apart from the masses."

Yes, that takes more courage than most people will ever have to muster, but it's also difficult to accept when what you yearn to be is just an ordinary part of the other 50% of the worlds population, not someone set apart from the masses. Where does that confidence and drive to step out from the crowd come from? Is it desparation? I don't know!

[Autumnlust]

Julie, you have no idea how much i can relate to you!!! --- in all of your posts

[Julie]

Yes, that takes more courage than most people will ever have to muster, but it's also difficult to accept when what you yearn to be is just an ordinary part of the other 50% of the worlds population, not someone set apart from the masses. Where does that confidence and drive to step out from the crowd come from? Is it desparation? I don't know!

But Adele most of us don't have the physical traits that will allow us to be that which we yearn. Testosterone ruined that. So if we decide to transition we will almost assuredly run into situations where we are clocked and thus treated poorly. That's when we need to hold our head high and muster up all the courage we have.

But there's no doubt we are some of the strongest people on this earth. I was out dressed on Sunday and was talking to a pretty macho guy who rooms with a gay friend of mine. I was describing to him what our life was like. He's pretty accepting but doesn't understand why a straight guy would ever dress. I did my best to explain it to him then I said, "If I could take this out of me and put it in you (I used my hand like I was taking my heart out and putting it in his chest) you wouldn't last a day." He looked at me for a moment absorbing what I told him then said, "You're right. I couldn't handle it." Now here's a big strong macho guy. I thought he'd be macho and say no problen but maybe since he knows me both ways and I've told him some of what I have to live with before he realized how tough it would be to live this life.

Now all we have to do is get the rest of the world to see what he did.

[Elizabeth]

Julie,

A crossdresser on another forum wrote he would rather be in a war in a firefight, like he had been in many times, in Vietnam, than to go out in public crossdressed. The thought of it frightened him that much. I also remember spending years dreaming about what it would be like to be out while dressed.

It does take a lot of courage and self assuredness to go out dressed as the opposite sex on the 364 days are year that are not Halloween. I know that until I started going out dressed, it seemed like it would be impossible. Now I can not imagine going out in boy clothes again.

Yes, while it is tough going through life with this gift, we also get the rewards of this gift. For me, going out means letting go of all the unwritten rules of society, and truly living for myself. This feeling of liberation is unbeleivable. Most people will never experience it, because they will never have a compelling reason to.

I heard Helen Boyd say, in a piece I read on the internet, that of all the problems that crossdressers and transsexuals have "coming out", she never heard one say they regretted it. And I would take from Dr. Phil for a second here and say(even though he did not write it) "Those who are given much, much is expected". I feel that applies to all of us with this wonderfully painful gift.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[KittyMuffin]

Hi Liz

I am still trying to work up to my "emergence". Heck, I am still scared to dress up on Halloween, even though I conceivably could do so around the house w/o reprocussions. Part of the problem is living at home. My mom knows and is ok with it, but she doesn't want dad to know. But I have made a committment to myself that once I finish college and can afford to move out, I will complete the transition. I know I'm still young, but I am old enough to know that some things mustn't be rushed, or it's a disaster.

[MarieTS]

Dear Julie: So many times I've read your posts and wondered why you never flipped the switch and completely transitioned. It was always clear to me that you should have. But the reasons why you haven't were made abundantly clear on this thread. That reason is because like a true woman, you thought more about the welfare of others than about your own personal well-being. God bless you; and God bless all our sisters who posted on this thread. We all share a common conflict of competing demands versus internal neccessities.

[SammyGirl]

I am back after quite some time, since last. I feel so touched for all of your comments and words of encouragement. December 01, 2005 was my wife's and mine's 15 years anniversary, we celebrated for three evenings since how could you just celebrate 15 years of marriage in one evening, right? Anyhow, the third evening was by far a celebration; it was the beginning of the end of our lives being together. :crying: I am so very heart broken as I know she is as well, I am so very tired of hurting her heart and feelings over and over again, :crying: even thought she can't accept me as whom I am, she by far has being the most wonderful person in my entire life. The third evening which actually, ended the following morning her on one side of the bed, and I on the other, yes it ended bad, we ended fighting that morning again, of course it was over "Sammy", and I decided to tell her that I could not longer continue hurting her anymore, I asked her to please, accept whom I am and all of my defects and fouls or otherwise, even thought I know that I would regret it for the rest of my life, I wanted it us to go on our own ways for her own sake and happiness, as it is and has been so very hard, unfair, selfish, and painful to see her hurt over and over again, can't stand to see her sad anymore. It was indeed so very painful, heartbreaking moment, I was crying to actually said what I said that morning. Oh my God! What kind of a human being am I? This was the present or gift that I was giving to her after 15 years of the best years of her life! 15 years no one more day! :crying: I feel like I do not deserve to be alive, but it could not be stopped that morning. It is not all done and final yet, we are still in the same house and talking just the necessary. I know she is very hurt, as I know my heart is in many little pieces. I do not want to loose this wonderful woman but seems like the beginning of the end is now here! I do not wish this situation to anybody. I am now more in pain then before, and do not know what to do at this point. Wish I knew if I should go back to her and be who she wants me to be or let it ride and wait to see what happens.


Sammy

[VickySTG]

If only most so called Christians lived the life Jesus taught.

Take care
Maria
xxx

Now that is the nail on the head.