Betrayed

[Babeba]

Jessica86,

I am very glad that your spouse is supportive and sees this as all no big deal. That does not
mean that everyone in a relationship feels this way, or that it is appropriate to the situation. Every post should be read as its own situation.

In this case, feeling betrayal is completely valid. I think everyone can agree that catching your spouse cheating with another woman is grounds for feeling betrayal. Lola has said when she saw him leaving the house she did not recognize him and thought she HAD caught another woman coming out. Now, add to that huge feeling of betrayal the confusion of "huh? That is my husband?" as well as emotions about him going out without Lola knowing... Let's be honest, if you don't want to let your wife knowing about your actions which she later finds out you are doing, you are probably expecting some bad reaction from
her and it is probably for good reason... And not necessarily something unreasonable.

[Jessica86]

That's the part we are not getting. Her husband dressed in the bedroom already. How could she NOT know that woman at her front door was him? If the whole bedroom aspect wasn't here, it would make sense to feel betrayed. Her husband hadn't left the home yet. Also, she caught him inside after walking in. So, as a dresser, I can say we dress up all the way sometimes. So, if he wasn't outside, he must have either told her he was leaving, or she is assuming he was. I don't know a single guy who would be dumb enough to say "I was leaving." In that case. I am not defending the guy's actions, and she SHOULD be mad at him IF he was leaving. There's just too many holes in the story, and that is what confuses us.

[ReineD]

That's the part we are not getting. Her husband dressed in the bedroom already. How could she NOT know that woman at her front door was him? If the whole bedroom aspect wasn't here, it would make sense to feel betrayed.

I've mentioned it but you may have missed it, so I'll say it again.

Putting on panties or nylons or whatever to have fun in the bedroom IS NOT CDING in the sense that we understand it to be in this forum, to a GG like Lola. To her it's just a kinky thing, like someone who has a foot fetish, or a thing for latex, or a thing for bondage. Or whips. Or whatever other kinky things that people do in bedrooms.

Why is this so difficult for CDers to understand? LOTS OF MEN are kinky in the bedroom with all sorts of things, even panties, without being CDers!

She really had no clue and to come home to (1) see her husband dressed head to toe ready to go out (presumably with forms, wig, and makeup), and (2) that he should have knowingly done this behind her back when she thought he was at work, is purposely deceitful. And he must have been doing it for quite some time if she didn't recognize him.

And good lord, we've just had several threads about CDers who insist they never even want to go out! So it seems that Lola's husband did not go from A to merely exploring B with Lola, he went way beyond this. We've had wives whose husbands only dress at home and it's a shock for many of them to even be told their husbands want to put on a wig or shave their legs, let alone getting breast forms and putting on makeup!

[linda allen]

.............. Raquel, I think Lola has been trying to give the bare minimum information because this is a board that is visible by anyone, and she is not super comfortable with that. ..............

Well, the board may be visible by anyone, but unless you use your real name, post your hometown or post photos, etc. nobody will know who you are. "Linda Allen" is not my "real" name.

There's a big jump between, "Honey, I'm a kinky sort of guy so why don't I put on a corset and we can have fun in bed", to " "Ooops, I forgot to tell you that I may have gender issues and I also like to wear forms, wig, makeup, total outfits, and go out in public interacting with others as a woman while you believe me to be at work".
.

From a male point of view, I don't believe that crossdressing automatically means a person has "gender issues". Certainly some of us do. For others, we may not understand why, but it's not that we are uncomfortable with our gender.

[Wildaboutheels]

True or False?

MOST of the "CDers" who post here are on an ever evolving, ever changing journey? And don't really know where they will end up down the road?

Have all the GGs who post here seen that with their own partners? That the current "place" on their SO's journey is NOT the same place as when you first met them?

It just seems to me that the "journey" for most here is incremental isn't it? So many here seem "surprised" [my interpretation anyway] at just how far they have come. It IS possible, isn't it, that Lola's SO didn't know [in the beginning of the Relationship] exactly where on his "journey" he might be, months or years down the road? How could you possibly TELL someone - your SO or anyone for that matter - where you might end up possibly years down the road if there is NO MAP? MAYBE, as happens with most of the "regualrs" here, he gradually became "braver and braver" and one day ventured outside and found it addictive? As so many here do?

It IS a gradual process is it not?

Many "heavy" people look in the mirror and don't see a heavy person because they have put the weight on so gradually, perhaps over a period of years?

[ReineD]

From a male point of view, I don't believe that crossdressing automatically means a person has "gender issues". Certainly some of us do. For others, we may not understand why, but it's not that we are uncomfortable with our gender.

This is very true, however there is no way that a wife can KNOW this if her husband dresses behind her back because he doesn't want to talk about anything with her.

[Di]

MOST of the "CDers" who post here are on an ever evolving, ever changing journey? And don't really know where they will end up down the road?

Have all the GGs who post here seen that with their own partners? That the current "place" on their SO's journey is NOT the same place as when you first met them?

It just seems to me that the "journey" for most here is incremental isn't it? So many here seem "surprised" [my interpretation anyway] at just how far they have come. It IS possible, isn't it, that Lola's SO didn't know [in the beginning of the Relationship] exactly where on his "journey" he might be, months or years down the road? How could you possibly TELL someone - your SO or anyone for that matter - where you might end up possibly years down the road if there is NO MAP? MAYBE, as happens with most of the "regualrs" here, he gradually became "braver and braver" and one day ventured outside and found it addictive? As so many here do?

It IS a gradual process is it not?

YES it is...totally agree
.BUT someone that knows NOTHING about being a cd/tg would not know this. FFS they are in a relationship.....when things changed....why did the husband not try to make her understand. THATS the betrayal....wearing undies during sex ect does not equal going out dressed ...she still would not have know if she did not come home sick. And since she at first did not even know it was hubby....they must have done this many times pretending to be at work.

There is another thread in LO right now saying my GG has changed... was excepting....and when he meantioned going out the gg got upset ( another one telling the partner its only a sex thing)
We are just trying to say...for petes sake when things change...keep them on the same page....bring them here to UNDERSTAND....if you cannot explain it...it is your loved one is it not?

Very glad you are still with us LolaYour still being here gives me hope you will get through this. I would say to hubby...truth from here on out. And know when he told you it was just a sexual thing...it prob was....and when this progressed...he was to scared to tell you. ( not excusing...it just seems what many do...mostly because they are confused as well.)
But talk...thats the only way really.

[linda allen]

This is very true, however there is no way that a wife can KNOW this if her husband dresses behind her back because he doesn't want to talk about anything with her.

It's probably not that he doesn't want to talk about dressing with her, it's that he is afraid or embarrassed to talk about it with her. He may not understand himself why he wants to dress as a female. He may not know how far he wants to take his dressing. That makes it very difficult to explain because he will not know the answers to her questions.

As we read threads from members, we find that some wives have accepted their husband's crossdressing with open arms and even join in by shopping with or for them, going out in public with them, etc.

Some have accepted it on the condition that they don't see it.

Some have ended the marriage, taken the house, the car, the children, and the income.

To me it's understandable why there's a fear of telling. It took me a very long time to "tell" and I haven't told all yet.

[ReineD]

It's probably not that he doesn't want to talk about dressing with her, it's that he is afraid or embarrassed to talk about it with her.

We've had many threads about all the reasons CDers don't tell their wives. It's not easy for them either. But one of the tangents in this thread was whether or not the OP was overreacting when she accidentally discovered her husband fully dressed and ready to go out while she thought he was at work, and also that she had no idea that he wanted to dress outside of bedroom kink.

I was addressing your comment about CDers not having any gender issues. If he doesn't discuss it with his wife for whatever reason, there is no way that she can learn anything about this. People in general have two common misconceptions about crossdressers who fully present as women: (1) they are gay, and (2) they want to be women.

[LaurenB]

Sigh. I avoided reading this thread until now. Now I know why. I should be working but I'm not. My wife's away and I'm reading this and she doesn't know what I'm doing. I'm not CD'd. I did that yesterday. I'm too tired today and this thread makes me yet more tired. I can put myself right into this situation and identify with virtually every poster including and especially Lola. How would I feel if it were me or how would my wife feel? Truly makes me want to stop Cding but I know myself much better than that. I can only say that I hope it doesn't poison a good relationship. I only hope that someday gender binary thinking becomes a thing of the past through education, so that future CD'rs aren't called CD'rs or thought of as any different than anyone else. Good luck Lola and don't forget your number one probably loves you very much.

[cassandra54]

My experience is quite similar. I've dressed in the past, pretty much for what you would call fetish reasons. I started dressing with my current SO in an attempt to try to keep our sex life going. She went along reluctantly, and like so many people do in relationships, she did not communicate her feelings about this matter. Basically, I enjoyed it, she did not. But it did not end there.

I discovered that I really enjoyed dressing up out of the bedroom as well. At first it was just a few clothes, and no wigs, breast forms or makeup. Perhaps it was my fault as well that I did not listen to the fact that she was not into this or even enjoyed it, but I did it for a while and stopped.

And then I started again. I found that I really enjoyed dressing up and bought a wig. And then I tried makeup. And then I bought breast forms. And more clothes. And so it went.

I joined this forum because we were discussing where we could go together in the area we live while I was dressed. I learned I was not alone and in fact my dressing, at least for me and lots of others was perfectly normal.

After all was said and done, I found out she was not just a little uncomfortable with it, not just "taking some time getting used to it", but she thought it was creepy. I had a little bit of difficulty with this at first, but I did communicate my feelings about this.

I told her simply that this was something that happened for me and there was no turning back. I was not going to stop dressing and I could understand her feelings. Our intimacy will never return to this relationship, but it has nothing to do with me dressing up. She is accepting of my dressing up and a lot of times we hang out like two female room mates.

The reality was that dressing up in the bedroom brought out my desire to dress. My desire to dress was not part of my bedroom routine, but it took a while in life to realize this.

Perhaps this is the same in your situation.

[Lola14U]

My experience is quite similar. I've dressed in the past, pretty much for what you would call fetish reasons. I started dressing with my current SO in an attempt to try to keep our sex life going. She went along reluctantly, and like so many people do in relationships, she did not communicate her feelings about this matter. Basically, I enjoyed it, she did not. But it did not end there.

I discovered that I really enjoyed dressing up out of the bedroom as well. At first it was just a few clothes, and no wigs, breast forms or makeup. Perhaps it was my fault as well that I did not listen to the fact that she was not into this or even enjoyed it, but I did it for a while and stopped.


And then I started again. I found that I really enjoyed dressing up and bought a wig. And then I tried makeup. And then I bought breast forms. And more clothes. And so it went.

I joined this forum because we were discussing where we could go together in the area we live while I was dressed. I learned I was not alone and in fact my dressing, at least for me and lots of others was perfectly normal.

After all was said and done, I found out she was not just a little uncomfortable with it, not just "taking some time getting used to it", but she thought it was creepy. I had a little bit of difficulty with this at first, but I did communicate my feelings about this.

I told her simply that this was something that happened for me and there was no turning back. I was not going to stop dressing and I could understand her feelings. Our intimacy will never return to this relationship, but it has nothing to do with me dressing up. She is accepting of my dressing up and a lot of times we hang out like two female room mates.

The reality was that dressing up in the bedroom brought out my desire to dress. My desire to dress was not part of my bedroom routine, but it took a while in life to realize this.

Perhaps this is the same in your situation.

Thank you for sharing your story. This provides me more insight of things to consider as we continue to discuss our situation. I am not sure how it will all turn out. All I can do is my best to understand. Again, thank you for sharing your story.

Sigh. I avoided reading this thread until now. Now I know why. I should be working but I'm not. My wife's away and I'm reading this and she doesn't know what I'm doing. I'm not CD'd. I did that yesterday. I'm too tired today and this thread makes me yet more tired. I can put myself right into this situation and identify with virtually every poster including and especially Lola. How would I feel if it were me or how would my wife feel? Truly makes me want to stop Cding but I know myself much better than that. I can only say that I hope it doesn't poison a good relationship. I only hope that someday gender binary thinking becomes a thing of the past through education, so that future CD'rs aren't called CD'rs or thought of as any different than anyone else. Good luck Lola and don't forget your number one probably loves you very much.

So why havent you told your wife? Mine said he was afraid I would freak out. So far, I think I have handled it as best as I can... maybe I am still in shock? Best of luck to you!

YES it is...totally agree
.BUT someone that knows NOTHING about being a cd/tg would not know this. FFS they are in a relationship.....when things changed....why did the husband not try to make her understand. THATS the betrayal....wearing undies during sex ect does not equal going out dressed ...she still would not have know if she did not come home sick. And since she at first did not even know it was hubby....they must have done this many times pretending to be at work.

There is another thread in LO right now saying my GG has changed... was excepting....and when he meantioned going out the gg got upset ( another one telling the partner its only a sex thing)
We are just trying to say...for petes sake when things change...keep them on the same page....bring them here to UNDERSTAND....if you cannot explain it...it is your loved one is it not?

Very glad you are still with us LolaYour still being here gives me hope you will get through this. I would say to hubby...truth from here on out. And know when he told you it was just a sexual thing...it prob was....and when this progressed...he was to scared to tell you. ( not excusing...it just seems what many do...mostly because they are confused as well.)
But talk...thats the only way really.

I have learned so much in such a short time on this thread- thank you for sharing your comments. In my conversations with spouse I have gotten the feeling he isnt sure where this is going. Thank you again!

I've mentioned it but you may have missed it, so I'll say it again.

Putting on panties or nylons or whatever to have fun in the bedroom IS NOT CDING in the sense that we understand it to be in this forum, to a GG like Lola. To her it's just a kinky thing, like someone who has a foot fetish, or a thing for latex, or a thing for bondage. Or whips. Or whatever other kinky things that people do in bedrooms.

Why is this so difficult for CDers to understand? LOTS OF MEN are kinky in the bedroom with all sorts of things, even panties, without being CDers!

She really had no clue and to come home to (1) see her husband dressed head to toe ready to go out (presumably with forms, wig, and makeup), and (2) that he should have knowingly done this behind her back when she thought he was at work, is purposely deceitful. And he must have been doing it for quite some time if she didn't recognize him.

And good lord, we've just had several threads about CDers who insist they never even want to go out! So it seems that Lola's husband did not go from A to merely exploring B with Lola, he went way beyond this. We've had wives whose husbands only dress at home and it's a shock for many of them to even be told their husbands want to put on a wig or shave their legs, let alone getting breast forms and putting on makeup!

Thank you for clarifying... I now realize our bedroom play was not CDing.. which left many readers confused as to my shock. So much for me to understand...

[linda allen]

..... Our intimacy will never return to this relationship, but it has nothing to do with me dressing up. She is accepting of my dressing up and a lot of times we hang out like two female room mates. .....

That's sad. Not the dressing, but the loss of intimacy. Life is to short to go without love and you don't get to come back and try again in a next life.

For both of you, if the love is not there, it's time to seperate and find true love.

[allyssa]

I think that without a doubt, you need to talk about it openly ASAP. Boundaries are really important to set in any relationship, and just because your SO is a CD doesn't mean it's okay to violate your trust. Be as open as possible in the conversation...if going out w/ other CDs is really important to your SO, then without a doubt, that needs to come with whatever boundaries or limits the two of you decide. If it's not something you can live with, and your SO is adamant about make that part of his/her life, then it's something the two of you need to evaluate in terms of the long-term possibilities of your relationship. Good luck!

[Tracii G]

Lola I can see where you are coming from he should have told you the extent of his CDing.
Trust is everything to me too but sometimes what we see isn't always what we think it is.
Have a heart to heart talk with him is the best thing you can do, tell him its OK to unload everything and get it all out there.
I have no idea what his intent was and yes I would have concerns just like you.It may be nothing in the end but no way to know unless he is willing to be honest.
Honesty and openness from both of you is what it will take.
I do wish the best for both of you I really do, this has to be tough.
Get him to join here and check out the FAB section for help as well.
Oh yeah welcome.

[Raquel June]

I think something as contentious as going out fully dressed en femme, when the wife is safely at work is implied betrayal. To say that there was no agreement is IMO splitting hairs. There are lots of things in life and marriage that arent specifically gone over with a fine tooth comb, its just obvious what is expected.

For example - when you get married, its fairly well implied that you are not going to sleep around. You dont specifically agree not to do so. ...

OMG! Now you're equating dressing in a certain way with cheating on your spouse? Wow. Why don't you tell us what you really think about people with gender issues?

Going out of the house without your spouse is not a betrayal. And going out in a skirt is not a betrayal, either, in itself.

If this person had actually promised not to, that would be different. If the info was presented that this person was dressed like a prostitute then that would also change things.

We could make guesses about what this person's destination and intentions were, but without any actual information you are making an incredibly offensive assumption.

Regardless, this whole thread is suspicious. "Lola14U" sounds more like a stereotypical name for a CD, not a wife looking for support. And it looks more like the OP -- even if she is who she says she is -- just wanted to vent. Because she was never forthright with the information that would be required for people to give her any real advice.

Let me ask those of you who feel that "betrayed" is too strong a word.

Aside from the fact that Lola and her husband were kinky in the bedroom, do you feel that a GG in general is overreacting if she feels a sense of betrayal ...

She already knew he had women's clothes. She had seen him wear them. Where's the big shocker? What's the betrayal?

Is everybody here buying into the premise that stepping outside in the wrong clothes is morally equitable to joining a swingers' club?

I can absolutely understand the initial reaction from the OP, but I'm surprised by those here who are supporting that reaction instead of explaining that it could've been an innocent act -- even if it is something he is ashamed of and tried to hide.


Let's take a step back for a second and say that a guy joined an obesity support group. He joins and makes the following post:

My wife's cholesterol is well over 200. She has to take heart medication and prescription acid reflux meds. She has sleep apnea and needs a CPAP mask. The other day I came home from work and she obviously didn't expect me. She had her purse in one hand and a buffet coupon in the other.

To say the least I was shocked. We had gone to buffets in the past but always together. She told me she was on a diet.

I feel totally betrayed. What would you do?

Obviously people would tell him to be supportive or go to hell, not tell him he has a right to crucify her for a legitimate problem that she feels bad about already. And I shouldn't even be comparing crossdressing to lifestyle choices that drastically shorten your lifespan.



My point is that it sucks when someone's hiding something from you. But it also sucks being that person who's doing the hiding and hates him/herself. So many of us have been on the side where we're ashamed of who we are and just f-ing want to be obliterated from existance and be able to die without causing any pain to the people we love.

I'm not saying this guy is innocent, and maybe he doesn't have any of the feelings I'm talking about. Maybe he's a horrible person who was going to go cheat on his wife. But we don't know that.

And I don't blame the OP for feeling betrayed initially! Even though I think the OP is just a troll since she flat out ignores the question of what her husband was wearing and where he was going.


But that's not even important. The things people are saying here are ... I just don't know what to say.

[ReineD]

She already knew he had women's clothes. She had seen him wear them. Where's the big shocker? What's the betrayal?

Is everybody here buying into the premise that stepping outside in the wrong clothes is morally equitable to joining a swingers' club?

I can absolutely understand the initial reaction from the OP, but I'm surprised by those here who are supporting that reaction instead of explaining that it could've been an innocent act -- even if it is something he is ashamed of and tried to hide.

It's a lot more than just the clothes. I don't know if you've read my multiple attempts to explain this, but please read my post #105 and the other GG's posts who are trying to explain it. There is a difference between a guy putting on heels, nylons, or panties for kink in the bedroom (non-CDers do this too) and presenting fully as a woman with forms, wig, makeup, and complete outfits, ready to go out as a woman, and choosing a time to do so that is purposely intended to keep the wife from finding out.

An unknowing GG who finds her husband this way had no prior knowledge there are potential gender issues even if he has a thing for shoes or nylons ... she just thought he was a regular guy being kinky in bed. She does feel betrayed because her husband lied about the extent of his gender expression. Plus, she's new at this. She has no idea what the difference is between a CDer who presents fully as a woman and a TS. Probably most people who talk to my SO and I when we go out together think that she is a TS as well. It will take time for Lola to learn about all of this.

So yeah ... Lola feels lied to big time. And any lie is a betrayal, especially if her husband potentially is not the gender that she thought he was, or at least this is the way she takes it *because he hadn't been forthcoming with any information before she found him dressed like this at a time when she wasn't supposed to be around*.

Besides, why are we focusing more on the word she chose to describe her feelings and we are invalidating them, rather than give her support and sound advice as to how she might proceed with her husband?

... sadly, I think all of this is moot. Lola hasn't been back and I'm afraid there were too many people (one or two might be forgivable, but this isn't the case in this thread) who invalidated her feelings of shock and confusion.

[Silentpartner GG SO]

Originally Posted by Silentpartner GG SO

I think something as contentious as going out fully dressed en femme, when the wife is safely at work is implied betrayal. To say that there was no agreement is IMO splitting hairs. There are lots of things in life and marriage that arent specifically gone over with a fine tooth comb, its just obvious what is expected.

For example - when you get married, its fairly well implied that you are not going to sleep around. You dont specifically agree not to do so. ...

OMG! Now you're equating dressing in a certain way with cheating on your spouse? Wow. Why don't you tell us what you really think about people with gender issues?

Going out of the house without your spouse is not a betrayal. And going out in a skirt is not a betrayal, either, in itself.

If this person had actually promised not to, that would be different. If the info was presented that this person was dressed like a prostitute then that would also change things.

We could make guesses about what this person's destination and intentions were, but without any actual information you are making an incredibly offensive assumption.

Regardless, this whole thread is suspicious. "Lola14U" sounds more like a stereotypical name for a CD, not a wife looking for support. And it looks more like the OP -- even if she is who she says she is -- just wanted to vent. Because she was never forthright with the information that would be required for people to give her any real advice.

In all honestly, I dont think its worth bothering to reply to you - you clearly have no intention of seeing this from another person's viewpoint - i.e. the OP but please dont insinuate about my feelings on people who have gender issues, I have no problem with people's gender, be it expressed, real or percieved gender , what I have a problem with is lies, deceit and subterfuge.

And just because the OP hasnt posted again, it doesnt mean she hasnt come back to read the posts - I dont post every day but I do read plenty of posts on a daily basis.

This is just another example of people shooting a new GG down in flames when she is looking for some kind of help on a help forum - sucks

[DaphneGrey]

I agree with silent partner and RenieD. She feels betrayed because she was betrayed. Not telling the whole truth is still lying. If you are going to play dont ask dont tell you have to spell it out in the beginning.

Playing dress up as a kink is not the same thing as presenting female in the real world.

Cant we just accept the Op for what she says? Rather than try to play forum detective? What ever the details I see a woman who is hurt and confused who came here looking for support. How about a little compassion?

Lola thank you for joining the forum and I hope you find some snswers and support here. I know this is all very hard to understand. And when and if you feel comfortable, please feel free to ask me any questions you might have. I promise to be honest and unbiased. Best of luck to both of you.

[Kate T]

.. she just thought he was a regular guy being kinky in bed...

Above quote first sort of made me chuckle, then made me think. Are we happy as a society that we are willing to accept far more variation from normal in sexual behavior than we are in social behavior? Why? Is it because to an extent, sexual behaviour is "behind closed doors" and we can happily go on with our lives in denial about it? Or is it because our society is so sexualised that we are "desensitized" to the shock of variance that we see with non conventional social behaviors such as cross dressing?

Didn't mean to pick on you Reine. Sorry. And I think I've gone a bit off topic. Sorry again.

Also now struggling to define myself, "regular guy" in the bedroom but socially "kinky"?

[Silentpartner GG SO]

Adina I can see where you're coming from on this but I think the difference is that "kinky in the bedroom" is just playing, its not normally a life style. I believe that most people who indulge in bedroom play do it because it adds a little spice to their lovelife but if one party wasnt ok with it, it wouldnt be something that would be an absolute necessity for the other party. If a guy is dressing up in the bedroom just for play, he doesnt actually consider himself or feel he is dual gender. A bit like if I decide to dress up in a nurses outfit for a bit of sexy fun, I dont actually believe I am a nurse and if I dont do it, its not going to make me depressed, or feel incomplete.

CD'ing is obviously a bit of a different potato - from my limited understanding, a CD'er needs the dressing, its part of who they are - and if they try to stop or are forced to stop, it can have an impact on their wellbeing

[EllieOPKS]

So I have been sitting in an airport waiting on a connection reading my favorite forum. There are a lot of opinions and view points with people trying to give Lola advice, so I will do the same.

Lola - Seek professional help. You get to see the views and opinions of this community which can be of interest but with something as serious as your relationship and marriage, go talk to the pros.
Ellie

[Raquel June]

There is a difference between a guy putting on heels, nylons, or panties for kink in the bedroom (non-CDers do this too) and presenting fully as a woman with forms, wig, makeup, and complete outfits, ready to go out as a woman, and choosing a time to do so that is purposely intended to keep the wife from finding out.

I understand that. And I understand someone being shocked by catching their husband doing that. What I don't understand is equating it to cheating.

Everybody here is looking at things from a different perspective because the OP refused to give the actual details of what happened. So we're just speculating. But it's unfair to assume the husband was actually going out to do something wrong. And if we can't assume he was doing something wrong, it's very unfair to be so critical of him.

What if they lived in the middle of nowhere? What if he just went outside and drove around for a bit and came back? Is that a betrayal? I don't think so.

Is it that naive of me to say there is a possibility of this being innocent? Maybe it is, but the ramifications of that is pretty damning for crossdressers as a whole, so I'd prefer to keep my head in the clouds.

In all honestly, I dont think its worth bothering to reply to you - you clearly have no intention of seeing this from another person's viewpoint - i.e. the OP but please dont insinuate about my feelings on people who have gender issues, I have no problem with people's gender, be it expressed, real or percieved gender , what I have a problem with is lies, deceit and subterfuge.

And just because the OP hasnt posted again, it doesnt mean she hasnt come back to read the posts - I dont post every day but I do read plenty of posts on a daily basis.

This is just another example of people shooting a new GG down in flames when she is looking for some kind of help on a help forum - sucks

As I've said many times, I can see it from the wife's viewpoint. I can see how she could be hurt. What I'm offended by is that 90% of the people here can't even entertain the possibility of the husband being anything less than a horrible person.

Cant we just accept the Op for what she says? Rather than try to play forum detective?

Yes. Let's accept what the OP said. And let's not play detective. Let's look at the facts. The OP said she had not actually made any rules about how he could dress outside the house, and the OP did not say what her husband was going out to do.

What ever the details I see a woman who is hurt and confused who came here looking for support. How about a little compassion?

OK, I'll be compassionate. You're all right. People who wear the wrong clothes outside of the house are all gross perverts and liars.

[ReineD]

I understand that. And I understand someone being shocked by catching their husband doing that. What I don't understand is equating it to cheating.

OK, I'll be compassionate. You're all right. People who wear the wrong clothes outside of the house are all gross perverts and liars.

The OP: Lola didn't say anything about "cheating" in her OP. She just said she felt betrayed. I feel betrayed when someone lies to me in a substantial way even if there is no cheating involved.

Post #11: she didn't even mention cheating, she tried to make an analogy and she compared her feelings to how she would have reacted to a different type of lie (engaging in a money scheme) and even then she didn't chastise her husband. She said she was here to understand.

Post #38: she did mention cheating simply because at first she didn't recognize her husband while dressed and she thought the woman that she saw was a stranger that the husband was having an affair with ... until she realized it was her husband. She still did not chastise him but she instead spoke of her fears and her struggles as to how they might best navigate through this given the circumstances.

Post #78: she confirms that she felt betrayed because she felt lied to (not cheated on). She had no idea that her husband was a CDer and again, newbies like Lola have no clue about the difference between CD & TS, or whether or not all CDs are gay ... all the usual questions that wives ask when they first find out. Still, as confused as she was she still did not blame her husband and she repeated that she was here to understand.

----------------------

I'm not going to read all the other members' posts to see how many people called her husband a pervert. I don't think he is. But, the bulk of my posts in this thread was in defense of Lola, whom I perceived was chastised horribly because she dared to feel betrayed by her husband's lies. And lie he did. There are umpteen reasons why he lied, some of them valid, some of them not. But the fact remains that he purposely went behind her back big time (by not disclosing gender issues) and she felt betrayed by this, not because he was going out to drive around the block or whatever.

I think that Lola was sorely treated by the membership, especially since she is new and knows very little about this. SHE is the one who came here for help in understanding the CDing, not her husband. Had the members not rammed it down her throat that she had no right to her feelings, she might have stuck around and she might even have asked her husband to join the forum as well.

I should have moved her thread to the Loved Ones section. It might have made a difference. I left it here because I took it that she wanted to ask her questions to the CDers.