My Story: For quite some time i have been lurking... trying to find answers. We have been married for a while now with children. Our bedroom life was exciting, dressing up frequently. This started even before marriage.
Recently I came home from work and found my SO totally dressed and ready to go out. To say the least I was shocked- it had always stayed in the bedroom which we both agreed upon.
Aside from God family is my world. I feel totally betrayed. What would you do?
I would think it requires some open communication, cross dressing I think will eventually lead to wanting to leave the house (we have to test the water). But if it was agreed to keep it in the bedroom then it should have been discussed first (I think). It is wonder-full to have a SO who accepts, and I would do nothing to jeopardize that.
Perhaps there was some miscommunication. If the agreement was that it's okay for the bedroom, it should be discussed before leaving. As a crossdresser with a willing SO, the envelope will be pushed. Maybe a more frank discussion is required?
What ever Lola wants...OK, I borrowed that from a song. But seriously, it's true. You accepted his being a CD and it was even fun for you.Now he is pushing the envelope to a point that is not acceptable to you. I can understand why most wives would not want to go with their husband while he is en-fem. He has not right to assume you do. You need to speak up and set boundaries that you both can live with. Perhaps tell him if he wants to go out dressed, then go, but to leave you out of it. Maybe find a support group or a club where CD's are accepted. But he should not have been dressed and ready expecting you to go out with him without first talking about it. BTW, Welcome!! I hope this site can give you some answers and support that you seek.
You haven't said it, but I am assuming that you are a genetic female and your SO or husband is a male crossdresser.Originally Posted by Lola14U
Assuming that is the case, obviously, the two of you need to talk about this. Was he planning on going out in public by himself or with you? Are you willing to be seen in public with him dressed? Were the children home?
Again, sit down with him and talk. Find out what he wants (needs) to do. Find out why. Try to find a level of crossdressing that you are both comfortable and satisfied with.
He is still the man you love and the father of your children. Putting on a dress doesn't change that.
[SIGPIC]http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=82706&dateline=137762 0356[/SIGPIC]Linda
It's a little surprising to read that you are ok with him dressing, likely for years, and even in the bedroom but shocked at the idea of him going out. Is it fear of discovery that bothers you? The simple solution is to discuss the rules that you can both live with. You have the hard part done, you know about his crossdressing.
TALK!!
Obviously you were aware of the dressing, so talk and discuss this new turn. Express yourself and also be a listener. This is not the end of the world, just another step in the journey of life. Tell your SO of your concerns and your feelings.
I don't wear women's clothes, I wear MY clothes !
MEN! You can't live with them! And you can't just shoot 'em! So the best thing to do is TALK as Cheryl said! Love is a two-way street! The best to you and yours! Hugs!
If you don't like the way I'm livin', you just leave this long haired country girl alone:
Certainly the two of you need to talk. And before you talk, try if you can to put yourself in your SOs shoes for a while. What might he have come to believe about the nature of your relationship? He may have, mistakenly, interpreted the exciting and frequent dressing in the bedroom as an indication of a broader acceptance.
Second, try to tone down the language..even in your own thinking. Being fully dressed in your absence and without your knowledge isn't a betrayal...not even an indiscretion. Its a misunderstanding...perhaps to some degree a mutual misunderstanding that you can work out together.
Last edited by kimdl93; 06-27-2012 at 10:42 AM. Reason: darn typos!!!
Like ready to go out without you or your knowledge? He's lying to you and may be cheating..... God can't help you but I'll be a good lawyer can...
A few items in the bedroom vs. seeing him fully dressed going out without me was an eye opener. I felt like the wife that didnt know her hubby had a money scheme going on LOL. I am trying to understand it all and figure out where that leaves me.
What others tell you what we would do doesn't mean it is right for you and your husband. Its good to listen and then formulate a way that makes sense for you both. Sounds like a lack of communication. Best thing is to talk and find out his feelings and go from there. But it definitely sounds like he assumed too much. Good luck
You need to talk to him to find out what his intentions and motivations are Hon. Then you can decide how to proceed.
Second star to the right and straight on till morning
Lola, understanding it all can and will be a lifetime task. It will take patience, love, trust, and communication. Lots and lots of communication!
Instead of you figuring out where it leaves you, the both of you need to figure out where it leaves you. As the husband to a wonderful wife, I want so desperately to talk to her about it, but sometimes the signals I get ("This is too much!" "I can't talk about this right now" "I feel so lost and alone" "I'm so embarrassed") make it very, very hard. All I can say is to push through the embarrassment, talk to your spouse, and discuss boundaries. Yes, as the wife, you can discuss boundaries. Not as an "I'm in control" kind of thing, but as a "Let's work through this together" kind of thing.
Treat him with love and respect, and not scorn and disgust - and expect the same - and you will make it through just fine.
Kathi
Go out where, it does make a difference? There are places that are good, like a TG support group,and then there is the Bar scene, going without you, might be bad. I agree he should have talked to you first, but I'm not sure I would call it Betrayal.
Tina B.
Last edited by Tina B.; 06-27-2012 at 10:38 AM.
Magic is the art of changing consciousness at will.
I think KATHi said it perfectly you need to communicate.
There are many of us here with supportive wives, and the last thing that we would imagine doing is to jeapardize that support. That is, I think, why many of us are a bit non-plussed about the fact that there seemed to be a sudden change, and why a few mentioned that this change may not be as sudden as it appears.
Ok, it could be as simple as "someone didn't get the memo", or it is a complete misunderstanding of something that was said in the very recent past. That can be easily solved by talking it out and re-establishing the communication that you thought you had in the past.
Or, it could be a developing problem, and one that is not recent.
Regardless, it's time for a very frank conversation with all the cards on the table.
Welcome. Many here go through a phase where the clothing is a sexual thing (mostly because we started at an age when sex was what we thought about every 8 minutes every day). So incorporating this into the bedroom is something we hoped for (and most didn't get). You at least indulged that part. You will get many props for that. But rarely does it stay a sexual thing totally. Since you found him fully dressed we can assume that he has deeper feelings and needs in association with the clothes. You have come to the right place ( in my opinion).
Where does it leave you? Well as as been said in almost every post here, you need to discuss this with your hubby. You can go into that discussion with some information from this site. We know you have the common questions and one for you is since you have seen this as a sexual thing, does he still see it the same way? Was his intent on expanding the sexual part outside the home? Maybe not. Read through the threads here and you will see that many times the CD just wants to be out and in normal places. Of course you already have played the "are you gay?" and "do you want to be a woman" scene in your head and these questions need to be addressed.
It seems you are not totally appalled at this. That is good. Hopefully you didn't fall on the floor laughing either
I do get the feeling you are willing to work through this (you are here to start with). Now it is just negotiations. It leaves you with a new vision of your spouse (to answer your question). He is the same guy you met, fell in love with (maybe even for some hidden subliminal reason that is associated with his dressing). Little things change when we dress, usually for the good for you.
The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
Chief Joseph
Nez Perce
“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,
I agree Lola. You as his committed exclusive girl, the mother of his children, should be at the very center of his life and THE most important person in the world to him. It's obvious you must be a very special kind of woman who truly loves him, accepting both aspects of his personality, his male and female self. By what you've said it's obvious how you have been supportive and encouraging. You possess something very rare compared to the vast majority of women by how you genuinely enjoy the possibilities for an exciting bedroom life afforded a woman whose SO is M2F transgendered.
Since you discussed and agreed upon certain boundaries as this relates to his feminine self, he is very definitely crossing the line and breaching the fundamental and necessary trust two people must uphold for there to be a loving binding relationship. The least he could've done out of respect for You is discuss it with you first and if you approved, then ok go out, but together instead of him going out on his own. It automatically and unavoidably raises all kinds of questions and doubts as to his motives.
Going out by 'herself' creates worry and stress in you, who should be his 'One', his confidant, his only Love. Call me retro but IMO the mother of his children should always and forever without exception be respected, protected & provided for. Keeping you and his kids happy, shielding you from harm and unnecessary stress should be his number 1 priority in life regardless of his mixed gender. He sired your children so there's a real man in there somewhere. That he would break your agreement in such an arbitrary uncaring way is IMO very selfish, self indulgent behavior.
You have every right to complain. He has every reason to change, fall in line, or risk losing what he apparantly doesn't know or appreciate he has: the exceptional woman in you, and the precious innocent children you gave him. I hope this problem resolves itself for your sake. If it doesnt and he becomes even more arbitrary, you should consider finding someone else who will treat you in a loving trusting way. Excuse me if I'm going too far saying this but by the little insight I think I have about you, my geuss is That wouldn't be too hard to do. You're a rare find, a multifaceted diamond that shines, a one in a million kind of girl.
That's a bit harsh when not knowing all the facts...
You're leaving out major details. Did you even try to talk to him? What did he say? Where was he going? Was he dressed like a normal woman or like a hooker? Had you ever gone out in the past together?
Obviously there's a lack of communication here, and it sure sounds like he's the one in the wrong, but what exactly made you feel betrayed by him leaving the house the way he was dressed? You think he was going to go to a club and try to hook up?
I'm quite amazed at the number of people in this thread who overlooked the fact that Lola and her husband had agreed that the dressing should stay in the bedroom. Why should she not feel betrayed when her husband just unilaterally rips up that agreement with no warning?
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I agree with Karren..something is really rotten in that Scandinavian county. Big time!! Time to have a serious chat..all cards on the table.
I'm not sure I understand what exactly he was doing when you came home---was he just dressed and hanging around the house, knowing you would be home at a certain time or was he dressed and on his way out the door? If the latter, was he dressed to go to the local clubs or to a shopping mall---was it the sight of him all made up as a female that bothered you or the fact that he was going out like that---I get the sense you don't mind him putting on lingerie for a night of passion (lucky guy) but that you don't want to see him fully dressed and made up, with a wig etc? Have you considered going to a support group for CDs and their wives? Might be a good idea to see what take other spouses have on it.
[SIZE="4"][/SIZE]
Each situation - public or private, shaved or unshaven, fully dressed or partially, nail polish or no - to me I think it should all be discussed as much as comfortable or possible. A couple who tries to work together will often have a better outcome for both people in that relationship.
I also think when as a part of a couple you are working together, and on the same page... Only to find out that your spouse is completely sneaking around it - it would feel a lot like not only a betrayal of that work you have done to find a common ground but also you feel a bit like a chump getting strung along while your partner is doing whatever they damn well please. I can see that subterfuge being very hurtful, and that if your husband 'let you' discover this, it was the absolute worst communication method. He should have talked to you about the feelings he has that make him really want to go out, and The base reasons why you are not comfortable with it, and try to work out some way you both can feel satisfied. Now, though, before that conversation can happen you have to work through some trust issues and doubts.
Once you have posted 10 times plus an intro, you can apply for access to the SO only part of the forum. It might help you sift through to people in similar situations to you.
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