Turns out I can be accepted after all

[GinaMarie]

When I said that "crossing is painful," I felt I'm not accepted in my family. It just happens I'm wrong in some ways. Listening to Boz Scaggs on my tablet contributed to my sadness, which I finally got through my head.

I managed to talk to my mom about my suicidal mindset, all because I crossdress. She says I can be accepted, and that people are homophobic, especially my older brother and his GF. I was given the suggestion that I be careful how I react to being caught. If my extended family or a friend were to find out, I was told to say "f**k off" to them, or ignore it as if it didn't happen. It's good advice I received.

Meanwhile, I am working out a way to see a psychologist so I can get my problems out to somebody that no one in the family has seen in the past. If that happens, then it cannot be spoken of in front of big bro or his GF.

Am I supposed to take this with a grain of salt or is this good advice to follow? Well, at least I feel better about myself.

[Karren H]

Well having an accepting mom is a start..... Imho... Better than having no one...

[GinaMarie]

Sure is. We are in the DADT phase so things are easy on me. At least without the older brother and his GF.

[DonnaT]

Your mother gave you that advice?

Good for her!

[Cynthia Anne]

A Mothers love is forever and ever amen! I say accept yourself, others will follow! Hugs!

[kimdl93]

Seems like good advice to me. You need not live to gain the acceptance of your big bro or his GF. It's your life. Leave the door open for them but don't worry if they refuse to come in....over time that may change.

[Ms Mira]

I think in coming out, you have to realize that the world is full of haters. That's just the way it is.

Having the support of that one person is EVERYTHING though. If you have someone to talk to, that makes all the difference IMO.

[Kate Simmons]

I realize that you have a lot of heritage you have to be mindful of Gina. At the same time you need to be yourself. You just need to tread lightly one step at a time and take your self discovery as it comes. We don't always have to prove anything one way or the other just be ourselves Hon.

[GinaMarie]

I think in coming out, you have to realize that the world is full of haters. That's just the way it is.

Having the support of that one person is EVERYTHING though. If you have someone to talk to, that makes all the difference IMO.

Being supported is much better than locking myself in the closet and never coming out of it. That's where I've surrendered to the insensitivity of society.

I realize that you have a lot of heritage you have to be mindful of Gina. At the same time you need to be yourself. You just need to tread lightly one step at a time and take your self discovery as it comes. We don't always have to prove anything one way or the other just be ourselves Hon.

I guess rushing in and finding the truth at once is a lot to take in. Don't be like that foolish b*tch in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. "I want to know everything, I want to know." That's when you know you've taken too much at once and have literally run out of disk space to store it.

"It's important to know when you've been beaten. Yes." I got that from Mirror Mirror, which I rented and watched with my mom last night. Well, I am lucky I was not, in terms of my crossdressing. Having big brother and his GF, as I keep reiterating, is instant loss in my own battles. And of course, neither has any tolerance towards our kind nor the entire LGBT community as a whole(?).

[Kate Simmons]

I believe they will change their minds in time Hon. If not, it's their karma debt, not yours. The Light sees to it that things eventually come in balance.

[GinaMarie]

I don't see them changing their attitude about me over time. What I don't understand is this "karma debt." I mean, I understand that I don't want to tell them because of their mindset. Look, I am considering going for a support group but I would have to somehow come up with a lie they can believe. Someone suggested I tell them I'm doing it for a friend. Obviously they won't believe it, because I have very few friends. After all, no one I know that's in Hawaii has issues like mine. Therefore, no matter what kind of excuse I can think of, they have it figured out.

For now, I have to come to terms with my gender issues, as well as continue with confronting my dark side. +1 to myself for being truthful.

[Brenda79135]

I see by your profile that you are 20. Big bro is older yet. I don't know your living situation, but why has he got such an influence on you? Is he supporting you with money? Does he control the whole family? Or are you just afraid that you will lose the relationship that you have with him? Girlfreinds can have an influence on their boyfreinds that it can drive wedges between family members. Did he have the hateful attitude before he started to date her? You can go see any counselor you want. If your family finds out the reasin for the visits you are going to be rich. The lawsuit against the couselor for disclosing privlegded information will insure that you are set for life. You are starting out yor life and expected to stand your your own. Big bro is supposed to doing that as well. He may be thinking that since he is older he has more experence at than you and is 'sharing the knowledge' that he has gotten. Both of you are still young and don't have the full story of what is going on in the world, the way it works or having to deal with the population in general. That is only something time can give you. Karma debt is easy to understand. The more you protest and speak out against something, the more you will have to deal with it. One day he is going to need something and the only person who can give it to him will be a LGBT person. He will have to make nice or not get what he needs. It is always 'the stronger the hate, the greater the need' and in order to balance life, the kindness has to be equal to the hate.

[GinaMarie]

Both the older brother and his GF are 22, turning 23 in October and December, respectively. He really isn't supporting the household financially because he's been out of work for almost six months due to an injury on his ankle. I'm not going beyond there for privacy reasons.

As far as our attitude goes that I can explain, he, as well as his GF, doesn't want to know that I am gay (which is how they would misjudge me), and I most certainly don't want anybody turning against me. He did not have any hateful attitude when he first started dating. Other than that, she will be really angry; after all she can be a b*tch to me. All of them, except my mother, will turn on me when they find out.

If I have the appropriate insurance which will be cut off when I turn 21, I can easily get one and allow only my mom and I to be in the appointments. Neither of us will share anything about the visits with anybody. Unless I get the bro & GF on board, they will get themselves in trouble for spreading any confidential crap to their friends and the hate will be greater than you can ever imagine. All I will have left is the people here and my used-to-be-close-that-I-can-still-trust friends elsewhere. They would have to agree not to say sh*t about me.

Lately my brother has been keeping track of what's going on with the economy and the possibility of the US going into full-on martial law. It will be as bad as the L.A. riots in the 90s. In a way, I see him as a Mr. Know It All; he's been looking on the Internet and maybe listening to Coast to Coast AM on the radio. Fact is, neither big bro nor the GF will never know or understand the story of why gays and transgenders exist. They make fun of that kind of people wherever they see a rainbow flag or a group of, you get the picture already. Somehow I have to get it out to one of them so they have some sort of explanation so they are more tolerant toward us and stop stereotyping and making negative remarks against the people they don't care about. At the end of the day, will they "make nice"? Well, karma can be a b*tch; be very careful what you say, and keep those negative thoughts away from the public eye.

I guess God hates me because I should have been gone since March 2007, succeeding with my third suicide attempt and first on school grounds. My suicidal behavior was never about gender. It was the bullying and stress I couldn't take. Although I'm spiritual, how would a priest feel about me? Am I truly a sinner for what I am even with the good deeds I've done in my near 21 years on this planet?

Unfortunately, I've gone a step backwards in getting support.

[Marleena]

And you should feel good about yourself! You are a youngster with a lot of life worth living. Your mom is on your side and she sounds awesome! She is protecting you by telling you about your big brother and his GF. Any good therapist will tell you there is nothing wrong with CDing. So continue on with the psychologist and talk about the issue with your brother and his GF. Nobody else needs to know you CD, so talk with your psychologist and get advice.

[GinaMarie]

And at the same time, keep track of my dreams and present a journal of them during my visits. I need to remember not to let it fall into the wrong hands. What's strange about some of them is that one of them involved meeting with someone from this forum in person. You know who I would tell about my issues? A GF of my own in the future that understands me. Only then can the family be on board.

[giuseppina]

Hello GinaMarie

Your past issues with suicide attempts concern me. I am not a member of the clergy, but I think it is safe to say that God does not care how we dress as long as we are decent in the legal sense. You are no worse of a sinner than a normal, sensitive person.

About the mental heath issues: Your best bet is a duly qualified and licensed mental health care practitioner who does not try to judge. Members of the clergy are almost never properly qualified to deal with mental health issues. Perhaps I am spoiled with Canadian health care (paid for through taxes), but your family doctor is an excellent place to start on this road. If s/he determines a referral to a psychiatrist is in order, please accept this advice. Having said that, the first therapist to whom you are referred may not work for you. If that is the case, ask for another until you find someone who you can work with.

Your brother does not need to know where you are at all times. Frankly, it is none of his business what you do or where you are when you are out. There is no need to prevaricate, as this invites people to check up on you and it will make more trouble than it is worth.

You may be prescribed some antidepressants. There is no way to determine in advance which ones will work with tolerable side effects for you. They take two or three months to make a difference, and they are meant as a tool to elevate your mood sufficiently so you can deal with your issues. They do not, however, help with the negative thought patterns. That is something which you have to change yourself with the help of a qualified therapist.

A book which I was prescribed to read and work through as part of my treatment for depression is entitled "Ten Days to Self-Esteem" by Dr. David Burns, who is or was a psychiatry professor at Stanford. The title is a trifle optimistic, but the ideas contained within are good. You should be able to find this book online or at any large bookstore. When I bought mine, it was about C$25.

Though I never tried to do any serious harm to myself, you are where I was about 25 years ago for similar reasons. It is not for me to determine if your crossdressing is an escape or attracting attention to a problem you have as it is/was for me.

Overcoming depression, or for that matter, any mental health problem, is a lot of hard work, but it can be done and is worthwhile.

If you are accurately reporting your brother's remarks concerning the US going into martial law, they may indicate a mental health issue (paranoia, delusions, or something else), but this, too, is not for me or anyone else but a qualified person to determine. Perhaps he would benefit from seeing a psychiatrist as well. Mental health issues often appear in the twenties if they appear at all.

Some, including you, may find my comments cold and/or harsh, but they are meant in good faith and without any ill intent.

Good luck and get going on the depression. None of us want to hear about any more self-harm.

[GinaMarie]

The reason I've brought up religion a number of times is because although I'm spiritual, I don't try to preach man-made stuff. Therefore, I am not part of a church. Yeah, there's the belief I have that we're hated, one way or another.

I'm sure I can get the right psychiatrist, as long as it's covered by my insurance, but it's running out on my birthday, so it adds difficulty in finding one when time is of the essence. And it involves having to lie-- to my brother and his GF. The most legitimate reason is I'm still getting over my dad's passing, even though it's been 15 months since.

With my health the way it is (seizures, asperger's, T1 diabetes), my brother always needs to know what I'm doing and where I am. He still doesn't know that I crossdress. And since when has it been "none of his business"? Now that I mentioned my health, any kind of antidepressant could do me more harm than good, especially when blended with anti-seizure medication and two types of insulin.

Last year, I was at a store and found a blonde wig. I tried it on but as soon as my brother & his GF saw me, I instantly knew they were making jokes about me. My mom could tell. Why the f**k do people have to make remarks against others?

I've had the thoughts again today, telling my mom that it should have been me that hit the floor last year. Why am I too weak to deal with my issues? I keep giving in, and I have to stop before it consumes me to death. Of course, you're not--no one here is--the kind of person that wants to hear about my suicidal thoughts.

Someday--not in one week--I will have a better state of mind about myself. Maybe not in the form of antidepressants. But there is help out there, so I realize I'm not weak.

[Brenda79135]

You say that your insurance goes away when you turn 21. Are your on your mothers insurance. If so, you can stay on it until you are 25. That is one of the provisions of the new health care law. You can stay on it even if you are married. That is what I am doing for my daughter. She has been married a year now and I still cover her med insurance and she is 22.

[GinaMarie]

No. It's the state that covers my health insurance. I signed up right after turning 18 in 2009. If I'm losing it for good, then I'll have to pay top dollar for my meds. I don't know what to do other than stock up on them before July 31st. When it comes to healthcare in Hawaii, it's a PITA, I'll see about staying on without a day of no coverage. Am I a waste of our taxpayer money or not, particularly when I have multiple medical conditions?

[Mollyanne]

Gina, Before I REALLY get into suggesting something let me start by ASKING YOU THIS---------DO YOU REALLY WANT TO PUT YOUR MOTHER THROUGH A SUCCESSFUL SUICIDE?????? Think about it!!!!! My son did that very thing three years ago and he was in his forty's. Self acceptance is the first step in a long road to healing. You are who you are and nothing and I mean nothing is going to change that!!!!!! Your mom is and will always stand by you!!!!!! Big bro and his GF can go to hell!!!!!! The good thing here is that you are still young and that you have your entire life ahead of you. Seek help for the suicidal thoughts and the rest will fall into place.

Molly

[GinaMarie]

Obviously my mom doesn't want me going through with it. If I do, it would be for getting outed and having it told to everybody via Facebook. There will be nobody to stop me at that point unless a guardian angel catches me. Please, don't direct me to a suicide hotline.

Guess what happens when I'm gone. She will tell both of them the truth, unless they find out for themselves. Then what's left of the family will turn on each other. There are different conclusions I can draw but I won't list them all.

If I manage to find someone that can be helpful in relief of my issues, then I would be in good hands, I hope.

[GinaMarie]

You know what, what if I purge and run away from my ongoing conflict, rather than grab it by the balls? Perhaps I won't feel so "consumed" by my fears, and no one will ever question me again. Give me a pill or unleash some magic on me to get rid of my crossdressing for good and to go back in time so none of this would have happened to begin with. I wouldn't have to keep this secret to myself and a select few, and lie about it to anybody. That, my friends, could be an alternative to getting professional help and wasting my time doing so.

I have no idea why I didn't bring this up yet, or do I even remember saying this earlier?