Sent Scurrying Home

[Bree Wagner]

After a bunch of positive outings I hit a big snag today. In a recent post about blending (here) I said my goal was to survive that first glance, and hopefully the second. I didn't even make the first today. As the lyrics go "Momma said there'd be day's like this"

My plan was to head out to the mall and mostly hit Macy's since I had a gift card burning a hole in my pocket. Several things ended up being different from most of my previous trips out.

First, when I was leaving I was sure I was forgetting something but couldn't put my finger on it. It hit me when I was in the dressing room and saw myself in the mirror; I had forgotten earrings. Not good, but probably not the end of the world.

Second, I had just run out of the foundation I had been using and was trying something new. I went from what was advertised as a light-medium coverage foundation to a medium-heavy version since I was concerned that my beard showed through too well even with beard cover on under the foundation. I think the new version is a much better color match for the untanned parts of me (chest mainly) but otherwise thought it may have been even more sheer than the other version.

Third, I tried a color I don't wear much of. I wore the dark blue dress you see below. Normally I stick to lighter shades, typically oranges and pinks, but this dress seemed to work so I gave it a shot.

On to the story. I got to the mall and headed in. I did a quick walk-around of a few places, quickly checked out the sale bins at VS, and headed into Macys. Grabbed a few things from the clearance rack of INC, one of my favorite brands, and headed into the dressing room. At this point I noticed the missing earrings, but didn't think much of it. None of the things I tried on struck me as worth the price. I hit a few more sale racks and had a handful of things to try on.

I headed into the dressing room. An older woman stepped out at the end of the hallway and was looking in the mirror. She turned around saying "What do you think of this?" But, by the time she had finished turning her words changed to "Oh my god, are you a man?" and she headed right back into her stall. This was from about 15 feet away. Needless to say, my confidence hit the floor.

Even though it shouldn't be my problem, the first thought I had was I don't want to cause anymore distress and I headed back out of the dressing room. I was also wondering what gave me away so quickly? I tried to keep my confidence up and find another dressing room because I really wanted to try on some of the things I had. Before I did that, I stopped by a pillar with a mirror and took a quick look at myself. The big and square jaw screamed "Man!" at me. I wonder if the earrings would have helped soften the jawline or draw attention away. I also thought "Ugh, there is clearly beard under there and the chest isn't so great either." Lipstick and hair said "Uh-uh" and that was it. Time to run along home. I put my stuff back on the rack and got out of there.

So, just a bad day? Maybe. Will it keep me from going out again? No, but it'll still be difficult to build up the confidence again. The real question is "Can I do better and how?" Another new foundation? Stick away from blue? Take extra time getting ready and double check everything? (I've recently been trying to cut down on the time it takes to get everything done). What else?

I'd love to get any advice or suggestions you can dish out. Please be honest and brutal if need be. I can take it! It's all in the name of getting better at the craft.

There are a few pics below for you to hound on. (High res pics at Flickr link in my signature) The first is of my outfit before leaving. The other two are close ups of my face/chest after returning. One with flash and one without. I deliberately didn't smile for the face pics. I know it improves my image at least a thousandfold if I smile but while out it's hard to plaster that grin to your face at all times. I doubt I was scowling when I got read but I probably didn't have a goofy grin either.

Thanks for reading all this!

-Bree

[stacycoral]

Bree. girl you look in the close up pictures, i said it was bad timing, it sounds like you ran into one of those people that can't understand that we have a right to be in the world too. Girlfriend there is little we can do about a square jaw, be happy you don't have the apple trouble that some of us have. Take care, hugs.

[Alice Torn]

To be honest, I would suggest a different wig. Try one which covers your forehead with bangs, and which covers the sides of the face some, for a more balanced look. And dangling earrings. And higher eyebrow lines. Just my honest opinion.

[RADER]

Maybe put together a simple check list before going out; Like
Make-up, earrings, neck-less, etc.
You did not look like a man in the pictures, but in person, maybe
her intuition just clicked in.
Better luck next time.
Rader

[Voulez-Vous]

I'd love to get any advice or suggestions you can dish out. Please be honest and brutal if need be. I can take it! It's all in the name of getting better at the craft.

Honesty? Ok, here goes...
The wig isn't working at all for me. Looks too puffy in the front and doesn't frame your face in a natural looking way. Also, your brows need a lot of work. Also work on the 5 o'clock shadow.

[daviolin]

The first thing I notice is, the more you smile, the more feminine you look.

I also noticed that, your smile is your friend. Daviolin

[ReineD]

You asked for honesty, so I'll give you my observations based on having gone out for years with my SO dressed. These are also her observations.

First I want to say how attractive you are. You really are, you know.

Now for the rest. There are very few CDers who can be mistaken as genetic women in real life. It might be possible if they are young, small-statured, and possibly Asian, but it is rare for the rest of you and it has little to do with the clothes, jewelry, wig, or makeup, providing these things aren't off the wall which in your case they are not (other than maybe find a wig that suits you better, and work more with your eyebrows). There are several key reasons for being read, among them are the differences between male and female general body sizes and facial physiognomies. Male necks, shoulders, hands and feet are generally larger than women's even if both are the same height. Also the distances between a multitude of key points on the face are different for men and women (lip and nose, eyelid to eyebrow, mouth width, nose width, placement and shape of cheekbones, facial width, jaw lines, brow ridges, profile thickness, to name a few). This is why transsexuals who wish to be stealth get Facial Feminization Surgery.

All these things are apparent to the keen observer. But here's the thing: not everyone is a keen observer. Most people are too preoccupied with their own affairs to notice subtle, conflicting gender cues. To them, the more apparent cues are sufficient to not raise red flags, such as a wig, makeup, breasts, and appropriate clothing. Still, some people are better than others at reading even the subtle gender cues like the older lady you encountered, and they will read you right away.

Also, the minute you interact with someone for any length of time, they'll know that you are not a genetic woman, even if they hadn't figured this out before hand for lack of keen observation. When we talk to people we go through a multitude of facial expression changes, our heads tilt and they see us at several different angles, and also the voice is a pretty big giveaway.

As my SO went out more and more into the mainstream, she went through a phase, like you, of coming to terms with the fact that when she interacts with people, they know. But, she also discovered that when she speaks to people, her personality and general likeability shine through, and people (if they are not die-hard homophobes) generally are willing to respect her and like her for who she is. They do not reject her appearance.

So there has been a shift in my SO. In the beginning she was rather terrified of being judged as a man who wears a dress. She does pass well enough not to be read by most people that she does not directly interact with. But at the same time she no longer sits quietly in the shadows and she orders food, pays for stuff, engages in conversations with the people around her, and I believe she is now OK with the idea that people are OK with knowing that she is not a genetic woman, or at least they are polite enough to keep their opinions to themselves. Also, we've found that generally women are more open minded than men. My SO can still go out and be herself and she is not quite so loath to being read now, although she is still cautious of her surroundings. For example, we don't spend time in family restaurants where there are tons of kids or at malls on Saturdays that are filled with teenagers.

I hope that I haven't said anything to make you feel sad. I'm just trying to give you the benefit of my and my SO's personal experience. My SO goes out regularly, on average a few times per week.

[STACY B]

You took the words out of my mouth Reine about Saturday ,,, An Fourth of July Weekend !! I went to a festival an there were tons of people all over the road an out in general . So with that being said let them have there weekend an just get back to bizzness as usual after its all over . Cuz beleave it or not it makes all the difference in the world on how busy a store is an how much better it is when its not as crowded an all of us lady boyz can go an be left alone during the week an I always let the masses have it on the weekend .Just my thoughts ? But Im with the rest on the WIG,,,You can do so much better Im sure of it .

[Bree Wagner]

Thanks everyone for the feedback so far. I really appreciate it.

I'll definitely look into a new wig. While I've gone into stores and tried a fair number on before I haven't really splurged on the wig to get something amazing and everything I've tried has been under $100. Perhaps it's time to head somewhere a little more upscale and get the personal attention and spend a bit more on something special.

I tried to take some extra pics after getting home to compare all the old wigs I have and see if any of them work better than others. I'll get around to putting up those pics side by side at some point even though three of the six wigs are old, cheap, costume type wigs. They're good for a giggle!

I also want to add that you look amazing in that dress, and the old woman was very rude. I would love to be a fly on the wall if she ever pulls that stunt and happens to be wrong.

Haha, thanks! I called my wife and told her about this and she had a similar reaction. She said that if she'd been with me (though she's not ready for that) she have run up to the woman and tried to bounce her through the wall with her giant pregnant belly.

First I want to say how attractive you are. You really are, you know.

Thanks. That means a lot coming from someone who's seen as much as you have.

As my SO went out more and more into the mainstream, she went through a phase, like you, of coming to terms with the fact that when she interacts with people, they know. But, she also discovered that when she speaks to people, her personality and general likeability shine through, and people (if they are not die-hard homophobes) generally are willing to respect her and like her for who she is. They do not reject her appearance.

So there has been a shift in my SO. In the beginning she was rather terrified of being judged as a man who wears a dress. She does pass well enough not to be read by most people that she does not directly interact with. But at the same time she no longer sits quietly in the shadows and she orders food, pays for stuff, engages in conversations with the people around her, and I believe she is now OK with the idea that people are OK with knowing that she is not a genetic woman, or at least they are polite enough to keep their opinions to themselves.

I hope that I haven't said anything to make you feel sad. I'm just trying to give you the benefit of my and my SO's personal experience.

This is really where I'm trying to get to in terms of interaction with people. Be friendly, have a good time, and blend the best I can even though I'm well aware of the things that can give me a away.

I don't feel sad at all. It's all good info that I can work with.

[Rachel Morley]

Well if you want total honesty, then I would say that your wig isn't doing you any favors at all. The center parting and the exposure of your forehead is not working for me. I think long bangs down to your eyebrows is the way to go. I would also tweeze your eyebrows into a thinner shape too (or hide them with the longer bangs). There's nothing any of us can do about our jawlines except perhaps try to disguise them by wearing a long wig (as you are already doing) but don't sweep the hair behind your ears like it appears you might be doing going on the pics. If I sweep my "hair" behind my ears or pull it back off my face I look way more "mannish". I like to keep my ears covered (see my avatar) as I think it softens my face. It's hard to tell about how good your foundation was/is but IMHO that's not what got you read as you said "An older woman stepped out at the end of the hallway" ... I don't know how long the hallway was, but I doubt she could see any beard shadow at that distance unless you had no makeup on, which clearly you did.

Everyone gets read sometimes. How many times have you been out without any issues? Remember these times and try to forget this outing.

[ReineD]

I also want to add that you look amazing in that dress, and the old woman was very rude. I would love to be a fly on the wall if she ever pulls that stunt and happens to be wrong.

I think we should give this elderly lady a break. She was likely not raised in a co-ed environment, she likely knows nothing about the TG community, and Bree's presence in the changing room took her by surprise.

Bree, I spoke to my SO about your predicament and she suggested that the next time you are asked, "Are you a man?" in a ladies changing room, the best possible way to respond is to have the presence of mind to say, "I'm transgender. If this bothers you I can leave until you're finished using these rooms." This would then allow the person to either say, "Oh, that's all right", or ask you questions if she didn't know what "transgender" is, as alternatives to having her run back to her cubicle, frightened.

[Marleena]

Bree I think you have great assets but it's the male face that often gives us away. I see you were at a disadvantage with the makeup issues right from the start.

Have you ever had a professional makeover by a MAC employee or similar? A good makeup artist or TG transformation service can help out. Just explain your concerns and get their advice on how to look more convincing and hide flaws. That would be what I would do. In fact I need to find somebody nearby myself.

[Badtranny]

Bree my heart goes out to you, I remember feeling exactly that way.

RD's comments were spot on. If you really want to blend, then you have a lot of work to do. I like what you're going for with light and natural looking makeup, but you don't have the face for it. You are very good looking, no doubt, but your face is way too handsome to be feminine enough to try and be too discreet with the makeup. The best thing I ever did was seek out advice from pros, and not just one, but several. I eventually met Avital who has her own little makeup salon and she and I quickly became great friends. she taught me so much about makeup last year that my head is still spinning. Before my FFS, I had some of the same issues as you and there's two things you need to learn; color and contour. If you're serious then I would recommend hair removal as well. Talk to some laser places and get some ideas. Laser is much faster and you will be surprised at how much losing the beard shadow will feminize your face. In the meantime, don't pack on the foundation for beard cover. I used to have a two step process with a yellow stick and a reddish orange cream that I would put on before the concealer and then foundation that worked pretty well. The key with makeup is color. You must get the colors right for your skin tone. Your makeup looks good, technique wise, but you need more of it in the right places. Minimize your jaw, nose, and forehead to soften your face and good Lord do something with those brows. ;-)

You should meet somebody like MelissaRose, because she's a part timer who does a fantastic job with her makeup.

[Rachel Morley]

Bree, I spoke to my SO about your predicament and she suggested that the next time you are asked, "Are you a man?" in a ladies changing room, the best possible way to respond is to have the presence of mind to say, "I'm transgender. If this bothers you I can leave until you're finished using these rooms." This would then allow the person to either say, "Oh, that's all right", or ask you questions if she didn't know what "transgender" is, as alternatives to having her run back to her cubicle, frightened.

That's exactly what my wife advised me to say. Just say you're "a transgendered person".

[Bree Wagner]

I know the brows are also an issue. I'm working to thin them as best I can, gradually. Thinner, and a bit of shape, may get by, but anything that is clearly feminine while in guy mode would be a bit much at work and for my wife.

I think we should give this elderly lady a break. She was likely not raised in a co-ed environment, she likely knows nothing about the TG community, and Bree's presence in the changing room took her by surprise.

Bree, I spoke to my SO about your predicament and she suggested that the next time you are asked, "Are you a man?" in a ladies changing room, the best possible way to respond is to have the presence of mind to say, "I'm transgender. If this bothers you I can leave until you're finished using these rooms." This would then allow the person to either say, "Oh, that's all right", or ask you questions if she didn't know what "transgender" is, as alternatives to having her run back to her cubicle, frightened.

Ok, maybe saying older was the wrong word. Let's go with 50-55, not elderly. But that's not terribly relevant. It's definitely the right thing to do to say "I'm transgender", or something similar, and I was thinking about it on my way out in case it happens again. But this woman was quick! She was back in her room far faster than I could put my brain in gear.

Side Note: I just sounded like the president in my head. "It's the right thing to do!" Congress, pass this 'Don't say anything upsetting to TG folks' bill right away. It's the right thing to do!

Have you ever had a professional makeover by a MAC employee or similar? A good makeup artist or TG transformation service can help out. Just explain your concerns and get their advice on how to look more convincing and hide flaws. That would be what I would do. In fact I need to find somebody nearby myself.

I've done it once and wasn't terribly happy with the results. I really need to do more of this (assuming I have the courage!) and work on hiding the flaws. Getting more in-person advice would be fabulous.

If you really want to blend, then you have a lot of work to do. I like what you're going for with light and natural looking makeup, but you don't have the face for it. You are very good looking, no doubt, but your face is way too handsome to be feminine enough to try and be too discreet with the makeup.

No fair! How dare you compliment my rugged manly good looks!

Gee, sarcasm doesn't look nearly as good in print as it sounds in my head.

The best thing I ever did was seek out advice from pros, and not just one, but several. In the meantime, don't pack on the foundation for beard cover. I used to have a two step process with a yellow stick and a reddish orange cream that I would put on before the concealer and then foundation that worked pretty well. The key with makeup is color. You must get the colors right for your skin tone. Your makeup looks good, technique wise, but you need more of it in the right places. Minimize your jaw, nose, and forehead to soften your face and good Lord do something with those brows. ;-)

You should meet somebody like MelissaRose, because she's a part timer who does a fantastic job with her makeup.

All good stuff. I've tried quite a few things for beard cover and am trying to find something that I don't have to paste on. I think I've tried orange lipstick, dermablend, and Five O'Sharp under varying foundations. I'm still searching for the right combo or product. I'll keep my eye out for those fantastic makeup users to tutor me

[Noemi]

Bree,

Your honesty with us is commendable. You are wonderful, and really are being useful here, to me, and many others no doubt. Thank you.

I would go with the wig, not working as well, I like the longer fuller wig with bangs, maybe a hair band, oh I can see you with pretty barrette too.

And you are a handsome man, but you in the kitchen in that blue dress laughing is pretty, and you have a good figure too. We all start at a disadvantage because, hey we are men. Shhhhh....but we can overcome this, not our fault.

♥♥♥
Noemi

[Kathy Smith]

I have the same problem with one of my wigs, Bree. Not many CDs can get away with a centre parting without a fringe (sorry, bangs - I'm thinking in English ). There's something about the male facial structure that usually makes them look wrong. If I were you I'd have a look at a medium-length bob style. You may find that it softens your jaw line a little, even if it does cover your ears a bit more than you would like. Have a play on Taaz http://www.taaz.com/makeover/virtual-makeover.html to try out a few hairstyles.

[Michelle 51]

Hi Bree
Lots of good advice here.I think we often have the notion because no one said anything that we passed where for the most part people are too polite to say anything.I think you caught this lady off guard.I've also found that one bad experiance like this can destroy ten good outings where everything goes well.Sometimes I come home on cloud nine and others I feel like crawling because of a negative response.

[Thera Home]

To be honest, I would suggest a different wig. Try one which covers your forehead with bangs, and which covers the sides of the face some, for a more balanced look. And dangling earrings. And higher eyebrow lines. Just my honest opinion.

Hello Bree
First of all I must admire you on your courage.I agree with Alice and I also agree with Rene on the man vs woman body features. Do let it get a hold of you. My face is also a dead givaway. But, we do the best we can and can't forget we are men in womens fashions. So as for any actor we must continue to work the craft as we craftsmen know how to do so well. Best of luck and keep working it.

Thera

[DonniDarkness]

Hi bree

I wanted to say that from reading your post, the reason that you were sent scurrying home is because you psyched yourself out from the word go.

When you go out you need to be comfortable in the clothes and makeup you wear. You state that you were having a bad makeup and wardrobe day, that alone could start you off into a negative mindset. When we are out we cant let our negativity control our confidence and optimism.

The second thing id like to say is never ever let someone tear your confidence down. Bree, we are men who crossdress, if that lady clocked you as a man, you should never let it effect you. If your going to go out in drag you have to be equipped with the resilience to let things people say roll off your back. There are thousands of people like her in shopping malls, movie theaters, restaurants.......We as the out and about crossdressers cannot let people like her rule our self esteem....because otherwise we would never leave our closets..Besides When she said "omg your a man" you should have said "yup, and you were only 3 seconds away from getting fabulous fashion advice from a Drag Diva.....oh and OMG that dress is hideous"

Third. You just be you. the most passable you, is the you that is cool, calm, and confident.

Own it,
-Donni-

[Bree Wagner]

Thanks again everyone. This is exactly the kind of constructive criticism that can sometimes be hard to come by.

For now, I'm off to the mountains for four days of hiking some big mountains and disc golfing on a bunch of ski slopes. We'll see, maybe Bree will make an outdoor appearance, but changing in a remote campsite could be a challenge! On the 4th of July I'll be the tallest thing in Colorado unless someone taller than me is on the peak at the same time.

See you all in a few days and thanks again.

-Bree

[Cheryl T]

As Rachel Morley said, the wig is an issue. It's extremely difficult for anyone (let alone us girls) to wear a center part. It exposes so many things we prefer to keep hidden or disguised. If you can restyle the wig try it with whatever side is your natural part as that will always look the best.
I didn't see any indication of the beard showing through your makeup, but I would suggest smiling and also shaping your brows in some way so they are not so "Brooke Shields". That might work for her, but it doesn't for you and me.
The neckline on the dress and the necklace help draw attention down from the face so that's a plus. Earrings? Absolutely!! Something shiny and a bit noticeable (but not too) will distract the eye.

[TGMarla]

Hi there. I took a good look at the pics you posted, and a few things come immediately to mind. First off, you may well want to get a concealer of some kind, like Dermablend. Your beard does show a bit, even though you have to look hard to see it. Your upper lip has a classic male shape to it, brought about by your facial shape, and accentuated by your jaw. Your lips just aren't all that petite. If you look at the full picture of you, rather than the close ups, that wig is giving you away right off the bat. It's the shape of it on top. It's very round and poofy up there, but stops at the bottom of your ears, and thus draws attention to that area of your face - which is your jaw line. A softer shape, with longer tresses that go past that part of your head may draw the attention away from your jaw. I also agree that bangs all the way across your forehead would help a bit.

So it looks like your next outing might be a fun one.....wig shopping!

[Claire Cook]

Bree, As others have said, lots of good advice here. I'd second (or third) the suggestion about going to a MAC store. It was the first time anyone had really looked at my face, bone structure and complexion and explained from scratch what I needed to do and how to do it. They deal with TG types, as well as GG's with all sorts of situations, and I felt comfortable immediately. It certainly costs more than buying Maybelline, but I think well worth it -- certainly in terms of confidence. (I am still learning...) BTW, Melissa (who worked with me) mentioned that she'd recommend MAC stores over MAC counters in a department store. i don't know if they are better trained than the department store types, but I at least didn't have to sit in a department store with lots of folks passing by.

So have a great July 4th holiday!

[Barbara Ella]

Bree,

Sorry you had to encounter that person who has never encountered a transgendered individual. I dont get the feeling she was trying to be rude, just startled, and blurted out the first question that entered her mind. I bet she has seen pictures of a dude in a dress, but never encountered someone who was properly dressed, made up, and deporting herself as a woman. So her first thought was, Oh, a nice young woman who can give me an opinion on this dress. When the thought that you were a woman was questioned in her mind, she had to ask. So, in reality, I think of this as more of an initial compliment,followed by a first time shock. I hope maybe she felt bad later. Maybe it will be a learning experience and she will try to learn about what she encountered.

I always admired your avatar, knowing that my actual appearance is never as good as the one pic I put there. I have found the comments you have generated to be extremely helpful, so thank you for this honesty, it will help a lot of us.

I too have things to work on, and have stopped going out until I can address them. My choice, and I dont agree with it, but that's just my confused mind. Hope this will not deter you from continuing to enjoy you outings.

Hugs, Barbara