Very very confused.

[KristinaKruise]

Hi all. I think I may have GID but am not sure. I just want to know a couple of things from others before consulting a therapist.

First of all, how did you feel when you realized it? Is it normal to be scared?
Second, did you start realizing "girly" things you did prior to it that weren't thought about before?
Third, were you depressed before everything came together?
And last question for now (many more to come), how did you explain your situation to loved ones and friends?

I'm sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, but all help is appreciated.

[Eryn]

To answer your questions in order:

1. Scared, but a bit relieved as well. I finally had a hook onto which to hang the feelings that I'd been having for decades.
2. Sure! I had thought of my "inordinate attraction" to feminine things as being a bit perverse. I now realize that it was relatively normal for someone like me.
3. Yes. I still fight with that but things are better now.
4. You explain it as it needs to be explained. The first decision is who really needs to know. Spouses and SOs tend to be first. After that, think very hard before talking to others. If telling others doesn't make your situation better or easier to handle, there is no need-to-know. A secret once told cannot be untold!

Many others have asked the same questions and they are almost standard for someone in our position. Don't feel bad for having asked them because they are an important part of coming to grips with your true self. We're here to help you.

Hugs, Eryn

[KellyJameson]

Hi Kristina

There are many reasons to be scared in life but sometimes we make it worse when our imagination runs away with us so whether or not you are experiencing GID first try to not think that the future is going to be automatically bad because a fatalistic attitude could bring on unnecessary anxiety and this anxiety feeds itself building out of control so try to let go of your fear of the future until you know what that future may actually be.

Depression is part of life but there are varying intensities brought on for various reasons. Depression itself is not necessarily bad and may be nothing but a warning that changes need to be made in your life and does not mean you automatically have GID.

I'm not sure about what you mean concerning "girly things" but remember our minds are incredibly powerful and an attribute of this power is the ability to fantasize born from our imagination and fantasies do not automatically indicate GID.

If and when you are comfortable, share some of your life experiences and thoughts with others here and possibly by hearing their stories and sharing your own you will begin to find answers and clarity.

[Sandra1746]

Hi Kristina,
My advice is to educate yourself on gender issues. The internet is an excellent place to start with WIKIPEDIA being the best place to "learn the vocabulary". Then there is WPATH and of course GOOGLE searches. The more you learn the better you will understand yourself and any ideas your therapist presents. Above all, do not rush into making decisions that are hard to undo, like surgery or hormones until you are well-educated; especially don't self-medicate. Of course there is good, and bad info on the 'net, so use judgement.

No indication of your age but GID and a fascination with "girly things" is quite normal, not perverse. Learn about gender-continuity and do not let yourself get depressed because you are worried about having a 'feminine' side.

Take your time and good luck,
Sandra1746

[kimdl93]

I think your questions were answered pretty well. the last question - about telling loved ones or anyone else, for that matter, is a very individualzed matter. As Sandra says, take your time. Once you are clear in your own mind, then start thinking about who needs to know and how to go about telling them.

[KristinaKruise]

Thank you so much girls

[Badtranny]

I'm sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, but all help is appreciated.

Well, based on the answers so far I would say this question might need to be moved because this is the TS section and there is no such thing as a secret transition. Telling others isn't an option it's merely one of the steps.

[Hope]

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find what you are looking for.

1) Oh he!! yes!
2) Some... mostly I started remembering things I had done / thought before...
3) Oh he!! yes! Though I didn't recognize it at the time. I was miserable, but I would have told you I was happy.
4) That one, everyone does differently. When the time is right, you will know how to proceed. Don't feel like you have to do anything rash now... but at the end of the day, when the time comes, you just sort of have to shove your heart back down your throat and be out with it. In person, matter-of-fact is best... be prepared to answer questions... don't write a letter.

If you are asking these sorts of questions, btw... it is time to see a therapist.

[jillleanne]

Me too but I control it, knowing what it is.
1. Yes, normal.
2. No. Been this way since birth, just didn't know how/ wasn't allowed to accept it.
3. The depression never goes away fo good, for me. I recognize it and deal with it.
4. I didn't. I hid it like most others until I reached the breaking point. Then, and only then, did I come out accepting the fact that I cared not about anyone except myself. If they accepted me, bonus. If not, tough sh*t.

[Jorja]

For me it was very different. No confusion, no fear. I knew what I had to do from a very young age. Getting people to help me do it was my problem. It took a few years but I accomplished my goal. From what my friends and a ton reading tell me, it is normal to feel scared upon realizing it. Do make an appointment with a gender therapist and talk out your fears.

I do not know how to answer you question about realizing girly things. Everything I did was girly because I was a girl. I just had the wrong body.

I do not think I was depressed at all until I started trying to get help from my parents and they said NO.

At this point there is no need to tell anyone except your therapist and maybe your SO if you have one. Remember, once it is out there, you can’t put it back in your mouth.

Also remember, the only stupid question is the one not asked.

[Karinsamatha]

Twelve years ago feelings started to appear that I had suppressed for the previous 20 years. I had "limped" along for the next twelve years slowly losing connections with friends and family. Until I was essentially a prisoner in my own house - and my own body / mind. About two months ago I started to go to a therapist and started to come out of my shell to myself and to other people - mostly to myself. After that other people become secondary.
When I came out to my best friend and his wife I told them the truth and then some months after "introduced" Karin to them at DQ. I had wanted to see the difference between male persona and the real me. It went very well and they turned out to be supportive! The way I look at it now is that I have to do what I need to do for me to live as a whole person!
The best thing you can do for your self if you believe you are Trans-gender, or Trans-sexual is to see A therapist who specializes in GID. It will make your life so much better in the long, and short run.
You are in a scary place, and that would be normal.

[ReineD]

Well, based on the answers so far I would say this question might need to be moved because this is the TS section and there is no such thing as a secret transition. Telling others isn't an option it's merely one of the steps.

But maybe Kristina is just at the very beginning of her path and she needs to answer questions for herself first before determining the extent of her gender dysphoria.

Kristina, I encourage you to read a lot of posts from this section and also the CDing section, to try to determine whether or not you feel you may be transsexual. If you think that transition may be an option for you in the future, you're more than welcome to ask any questions you need to here. If you feel yourself more closely aligned with our CDing members, it is best to post your questions there.

But, if you think you're TS you might also want to consider seeing a gender therapist, in addition to asking questions here.

[Stephenie S]

Do make an appointment with a gender therapist and talk out your fears.

At this point there is no need to tell anyone except your therapist and maybe your SO if you have one. Remember, once it is out there, you can’t put it back in your mouth.

Remember, once it is out there, you can never put it back. In the beginning you will want to tell everyone of your exciting new journey. If you actually DO transition, however, there will come a time when you just want to live your life as an ordinary woman. If you have announced to the world that you are transitioning, everyone will know and you will never be allowed to live life as a normal woman. No matter how liberal and accepting those around you are, you will always be "that tranny".

Just a thought dear. Jorja nailed this one.

[Jorja]

Yay!!! Me 1 Everyone else 1,000,000,000,000,000

[Bree-asaurus]

Hi all. I think I may have GID but am not sure. I just want to know a couple of things from others before consulting a therapist.

First of all, how did you feel when you realized it? Is it normal to be scared?
Second, did you start realizing "girly" things you did prior to it that weren't thought about before?
Third, were you depressed before everything came together?
And last question for now (many more to come), how did you explain your situation to loved ones and friends?

I'm sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, but all help is appreciated.

1) Oh dear god yes. But once you figure things out, relief as well. It's like a weight has been lifted.
2) I always knew I was different and that a lot about me was not normal. But once I found out what was the cause of my problems, I only had to change my label on who I am from "someone who doesn't fit as a man" to "woman"
3) Yup. Didn't know it though. Had been told before that I was depressed but I didn't believe it. Makes sense now though :P
4) I waited until after I started transitioning (mostly). I just talked to my friends and family one at a time, told them how hard it's been and that in order to survive I had to be myself. I saved my blood family for last since I was most afraid of how they would react. Also.... what Jorja said.

And yes, yes, yes. Please talk to a therapist if you are even THINKING that you might be transsexual. And unless you get glowing recommendations on a therapist from other transsexuals, be prepared for the therapist to not know what they are talking about. You might need to do a little searching to find a therapist who is well versed in transgender issues... or at the least, is accepting.

[Badtranny]

Remember, once it is out there, you can never put it back. In the beginning you will want to tell everyone of your exciting new journey. If you actually DO transition, however, there will come a time when you just want to live your life as an ordinary woman. If you have announced to the world that you are transitioning, everyone will know and you will never be allowed to live life as a normal woman. No matter how liberal and accepting those around you are, you will always be "that tranny"..

"announce to the world"? Like on You Tube or something? If she actually DOES transition then how do you propose that everyone in her life not know?

This is such a bizarre concept. I submit that there has never been a transition that wasn't pretty damn obvious to everyone who knew the transitioner. For example, let's just say I never told anyone what I was doing. Wouldn't my first day back at work be kinda weird, or are all of my friends and colleagues supposed to not notice. "Hey Bill, did you lose weight or something?" "My name is Melissa now" "Oh, okay then, did you see the new girl they hired in accounting?"

How in the world is someone who is transitioning supposed to keep quiet about it? This ain't an After-school Special where transition happens in a new state after a 2 minute musical montage.

[ReineD]

I think the danger or the situation, if you will, is a TS who KNOWS who she is and for her it is only a question of time, believing that others understand her journey or why she wants to present her full feminine self sometimes or at least while she is working on doing this permanently. I'm thinking that most people outside the trans community will have no clue what is going on and they will take it that the TS is a man who likes to put on girl clothes once in a while (I'm just guessing here). Maybe people are more familiar with the concept of "doing drag" than a need to align one's body with internal gender ID. So when she arrives at the place where she is ready to go full time, others will have become so accustomed to seeing "him" switch back and forth, they might not understand why "he" doesn't want to go back to guy mode this time, or it may take even longer for them to think of the TS as a woman instead of a guy who does drag?

I'm just picking at straws here. I've no idea how the people in a transwoman's life see this.

I agree though, very few people can just abandon everything (family, friends, job, everyone they know) and start fresh in a place where no one has ever known them in guy mode.

[Sam-antha]

I think that you should hang around here a bit more and learn off the net somethingabout this malady that you have encountered. Certainly before you go spending money on any therapist let alone one who may know little and understands even less of your problem. Finding a good one could be difficult. Personnally I believe that your should keep the words in your mouth before telling anyone at all. This is a different sort of place to let words out, a place where yo will get advice as well as help.
Just keep asking and telling or do what some of us did before the web and questionable shrinks existed, get on with living and meet your problems head on.
i mean no disrespect to others in giving this advice of doing it alone.
~Samm

[ReineD]

I think that you should hang around here a bit more and learn off the net somethingabout this malady that you have encountered. ... your problem.

i mean no disrespect to others in giving this advice of doing it alone.

Samantha, I don't know how you identify, and I'm not sure if I'm reading your post correctly, but I just want to say that a transwoman does not suffer from a malady in the sense that the word is commonly used, as if it is something can be "cured". Gender dysphoria does need to be treated and the most effective treatment is HRT and SRS, but this is done to align the physical body with internal gender and the goal is to bring peace and happiness to the transwoman.

If I've misinterpreted your meaning, I apologize and perhaps you can clarify.

[sandra-leigh]

1. The process leading up to me realizing I had GID was scary. Am I trans or am I not trans? Am I "just male" with unusual preferences, or fetish? Why is this need so powerful, and why am I degrading, taking more and more chances on what I wear and where, all this behavior that feels like self-destruction but which I can't stop?

I struggled hard with figuring myself out, and when I suddenly realized that Yes, I am transgender, then it was a relief to me. Oh, I knew I would have challenges in the future, but the confusion was paralyzing, every way in front of you is (maybe) the wrong way. Naming the problem is a huge step because then you can deal with it.

2) There is a lot of potential for historical revisionism when you are going through the process. "Why did the boys mostly refuse to play with me in elementary school? Oh, it must have been because of my gender problems!" And maybe it was, who can say?

One of the hard parts about GID is to stop asking yourself Why?, to stop asking yourself what you did wrong to lead to this, to stop looking for external "causes" that make it Not My Fault. Hard to get to the point where you say, "So what? However I got here, here I am, and let's go from here!"

3) I was in fact depressed before everything came together. And that leads to more ample opportunity for historical revisionism. I pretty much collapsed from depression, for reasons unknown, and it was while I was on anti-depressants that it suddenly hit me that I was a cross-dresser (so many years of rationalization that I truly didn't know that until I was 43!) When the doctor examined me, he could tell by brief examination of my skin discoloration and slow flush response (i.e., by examining the build-up of stress hormones) that I had probably been depressed for about a decade before that. After he had pointed out some things to look for, I could in retrospect point to specific medical incidents dating back at least 12 years.

So Yes, I was medically depressed, big time, with enough physical symptoms to make it clear that there was something wrong with my biochemistry, that I wasn't merely "going through a bad time". And it was as I started to be able to think clearer in treatment that I was able to understand more clearly. And it developed rapidly from there. For example, I was out in a skirt in a major local mall in less than 3 weeks after I realized I was a cross-dresser. I was, in other words, bursting with previously-unrealized need.

The "historical revisionism" that comes in here: my physical depression: was that caused by deep denial? Or was the denial just along for the ride, and the depression was (e.g.) caused by my high overwork? Or was my depression caused by life-long contradictions in my brain centers about whether I was male or female, contradictions right at the biological level, and like a leaky battery the biological balance leaked away over the years until my body couldn't cope, and so addressing my gender issues really is working towards a long-term containment for my depression's biological manifestations?

History. Fundamentally unprovable. I get to pick the explanation I want. Or the explanation I fear the most.

[sarmil]

Sweetie, you are in the right place. I was scared, confused, angry, sad, etc. all at the same time. On the "girly" things, I guess that is up to the individual. I believe there is too much emphasis on whats "girly" or "masculine". Now with that I tried to do more masculine things to shock me out of being a girl. Those did not work and back fired dangerously. Yes, I was severily depressed before and during my discovery time. It took me to some dark places that I never want to go to again. My situation with family and friends went well and it did not. All but two people in my family accept me. My friends are the greatest in the world, they accept me and love me. About the explaination, I just came out and told all of them, and had some materials for them to read. I wanted to tell my family and friends, but that does not mean that you have to. I hope some of this helps. Hang in there girl.

[Raquel June]

Hi all. I think I may have GID but am not sure. I just want to know a couple of things from others before consulting a therapist.

Hi! That's cool that you're already seriously considering a therapist. A good therapist can help you with the anxiety of all this, even if they're not a big-time "gender specialist," but you still probably want to look at your local LGBT resources just to find someone who is familiar enough to not be totally out of their league dealing with gender issues. Don't be afraid to try a few different therapists and make sure you find one you're really comfortable with.

We all deal with things in our own ways, at our own speed. I really think the important part is to not stress yourself out. A lot of us didn't deal with these issues until we got to the point that we had to address them out of desperation. But it's all about having a better life, right? So don't worry about stuff pointlessly. Most of us do. We get all up in our heads and overthink and obsess and focus way too much on the wrong things. But remember it's about doing what's best for you.

I guess that didn't make much sense. What I'm saying, is that life is going to be OK. When I look back on the last few years I realize that I spent a lot of energy worrying about things that I had no reason to worry about.

First of all, how did you feel when you realized it? Is it normal to be scared?

I realized it when I was little, but I thought it was just a fantasy. There's no point in a boy asking God to make him wake up as a girl. I realized it when I was an adolescent, but I thought I was just a pervert. I realized it when I joined this forum, but I sort of pawned it off as crossdressing -- a fun escape, but something I wanted to contain. But then I realized I wasn't the same as the crossdressers who could stay in the closet and were happy being a guy most of the time. And that's when I started to get scared.

The more I realized about who I was, the more scared I got. But hopefully we get to the point of actually accepting who we are and not just realizing it. And when we accept it we can let go of the pointless fear.

Second, did you start realizing "girly" things you did prior to it that weren't thought about before?

Most of us have spent a lot of time thinking about that. Hindsight being 20/20 and all that, there are usually a lot of little signs.

But you don't need to justify who you are, no matter how big a sissy or tomboy you used to be. You can be a butch trans girl and still be trans.

Some people try too hard to demonstrate signs of being trans in their past. I'm a bit suspicious of the person who was born with a penis but demands that they knew that they were 100% female as soon as they looked out the birth canal and saw the light of the delivery room.

Third, were you depressed before everything came together?

I was fun to be around and had friends, but I was still pretty severely depressed. I just couldn't see any future for myself that felt right at all. I had a lot of depression and lack of motivation because I just didn't feel like I fit in the world, and I knew the things that most people cared about (relationships, careers, whatever) wouldn't make me feel comfortable in life. So I tended to play a lot of video games and do some pretty self-destructive stuff as distractions.

Trying to deal with depression might be the biggest reason people are forced to come to terms with gender issues.

And last question for now (many more to come), how did you explain your situation to loved ones and friends?

I don't know if I've done a very good job of explaining myself to people. The problem is that I don't think I should need to explain myself. I'm not going to make excuses for who I am, or put effort into justifying my transsexuality, or waste time trying to convince people I'm sane.

The best thing you can do is demonstrate confidence in who you are. Inside I feel crazy sometimes, but everybody has thoughts in their head that they have to keep to themselves. I'm sure a lot of people doubt they married the right person, but they're probably not going to come right out and say that unless they want a divorce. So you just have to be who you want to be, and let people know that they can either accept that or not be a part of your life.

I wanted to make this short. Sorry

[Sam-antha]

Samantha, I don't know how you identify, and I'm not sure if I'm reading your post correctly, but I just want to say that a transwoman does not suffer from a malady in the sense that the word is commonly used, as if it is something can be "cured".................
If I've misinterpreted your meaning, I apologize and perhaps you can clarify.

The best clarification poss to that entry of mine is to delete the word "malady" as you interpret it. Having done that, then I hope that the remainder of the thread makes better sense.
My basic advice reamins. ~Samm

[KristinaKruise]

I really appeciate all of the responses, it's great to know I can get answers about this from people who went through this themselves. It means a lot, thank you all