our daughter

[melinda45]

hi i dont know where else to post this and im sorry if i offend anyone . i dont mean to at all just need help with our 14 yr. old . she has slight aburgurgers syndrum . fyi . well she now thinks she is a boy and has cut her hair and binds whenever she goes out she is now home schooled and does not get out much at all .she will not talk to anyone at all about it . a little with her mom and me being step dad not at all . she and her mom have been here with me for 8 yrs. fyi . well now her mom thinks if i crossdress and make her call me mom she might talk to us about her feelings . i just at a loss . please let me know your thoughts . thanks a lot

[Nancy (PA)]

great idea...gto for it; if nothing else you'll have one more "knowing" person.

[Tracii G]

Tell her you're OK with how she feels about her gender identity and that you understand completely.
That may open the door to discussion about you as well and possibly a personal bond between you two.
Not sure I am on board with your wife wanting her to call you Mom if you were to dress enfemme that seems kinda flaky.

[melinda45]

yes the mom thing was just tere because she wants us to call her matt not mattie

[Joann Smith]

hi i have been a closet dresser for yrs. only my wife knows .my step daughter now at 14 thinks she is a boy and binds when she goes out . she wont talk to us much about it she is slight asbergers to. as step dad she will not talk at all to me . wife now wants me to dress in front of her and make her call me mom now to kind of calling her bluff. so to speak . just trying to get her to open up . theropy and stuff has not helped at all . what do you all think ??? i posted in transmen section too thanks very much just need help

Maybe it just me ..But i think its a horrable idea ...its like you moking her not cool ....To me it seems that when a kid can tell that someone loves them unconditionally they tend to open up...trick is convincing them that your love is truly unconditional.....and calling her bluff seem to be going in the wrong direction..

IMHO

[melinda45]

thanks for your input !

[RADER]

I do not think the shock of seeing you dressed would open her up to talking.
I would recommend what Tracii G said. at least try it first.
Rader

[melinda45]

yes . i am at wits end on what to do . docs theropy every thing . shock is all i can think of .

[busker]

hi i have been a closet dresser for yrs. only my wife knows .my step daughter now at 14 thinks she is a boy and binds when she goes out . she wont talk to us much about it she is slight asbergers to. as step dad she will not talk at all to me . wife now wants me to dress in front of her and make her call me mom now to kind of calling her bluff. so to speak . just trying to get her to open up . theropy and stuff has not helped at all . what do you all think ??? i posted in transmen section too thanks very much just need help

well there are obviously several problems going on and you dressing is just likely to complicate matters even more. If she is confused about her own identity, then seeing you dressed may push her even further away. If she isn't talking to you, I assume that is because you are her step dad, and not for any other reason. so you have a major barrier to cross and dressing just adds one more obstacle. If she feels she is male, then you would want to try to talk to her as a male and get her to be your "buddy". females are not her world, so it would seem. She needs to call you DAD, and learn to trust you. the love will follow.

[Jilmac]

At age 14 she still may have much apprehension as to her own gender identity and could probably use all the support she can get. I'm not sure about calling you "mom" just yet, but dressing and showing her that it's ok to be yourself no matter what others think, might be an ice breaker between you and your step daughter. If it were me, I'd start by showing pictures of myself dressed and if she warmed up to that, I'd ask her if she was ok with seeing me en femme, if the answer is yes then that's the first step toward communication. Good luck with whichever endeavor you choose.

[melinda45]

thank you for your opinion

[5150 Girl]

Yea, I to think letting her know she's "in good company" a goos way to loosen her up.
AS for the call me "Mommy", some of my steps somtimes call me Maddy... A hybrid of mommy and daddy

[Nikki A.]

In my opinion I think its a bad idea. She needs some stability not something to further rock her world. Be there for her and try to open a line of communication. Now if talking to her and it comes up, I might say that you kind of understand but to come out may be counterproductive.
14 year olds are the toughest to deal with because there is so much going on with them.

[April_Ligeia]

I have a fourteen year old son, who does not have Asperger's. I can only imagine, I think all bets are off, do what you need to do for your family. I honestly hope it works.

[melinda45]

you must know some about aspergers thanks

[mistunderstood]

Best thing you can do is just be there. Let her or him know you care and will listen to what ever they would say to you. Try to listen and make no judgement on anything that is said. They will test you. Do not make them do anything it will lead to hurt feelings. Give it time this could be a phase but then again it could be a real thing for them. I knew I was meant to be male from early age. If talking doe's not work you might need to try a counselor brought in on this. If you do cross dress talk with them about why you do as long as it is appropriate for there age. Tell the truth to because kids know when you lie to them. Let them know you love them no matter who they are.

[lingerieLiz]

I would strongly suggest you not do it. You need some professional help with this. Talk to a counselor about letting your daughter know. Remember once done you can't back up. She may be too fragile to take the shock

I don't understand if she wants to be a boy why knowing you dress would help her. Telling her you understand and will love her would make more sense.

[melinda45]

im reading all and thanks it is about making her feel less alone .

[April_Ligeia]

Yes, I am a nurse in the 'real' world and i don' t think some posters here understand what your daughter, and, therefore you, deal with as an everyday reality. Her responses and the overall dynamic in the home are not the same as with a child who does not have Asperger's. The family dynamic really needs to be dealt with on its own terms, generic advice will not help.

[Jorja]

My 2 cents for what it is worth. Simply tell her/him you understand and no matter what, you still love and support her/him. You might ask if there is anything you can do to make life better.

[ReineD]

I love Tracii G's answer. If your daughter (son) doesn't call you mom now, it will seem fake to have her do this just because she binds her breasts. She'll feel manipulated.

I wouldn't recommend "shock value".

You can tell her about yourself, tell her how long you've been doing this, talk about your own feelings (age appropriately), and then say that if she wants to talk to you both (you and your wife) about anything, you will listen and not judge. And I would also ask her if she wants to see you dressed rather than assume this is what she (he) wants.

I once saw a video about a very young M2F TS (about 8-9 years old) who knew from an early age that she loved to dress like a girl and play with girl toys. Luckily her parents supported her expression and her room was filled with girl toys, all kinds of princess costumes, in short, she was not constrained in the least with her gender presentation. When the interviewer asked if he (she) was a boy or a girl, the child said that he (she) didn't know, she was still figuring it out, and she wasn't prepared to talk about it just then ... which the interviewer respected.

I'm relating this story because your daughter (son) may not have all the answers and she (he) is presenting in a way that feels good to him (her) without thinking about it too deeply. So, please, no pushing or changing anything, just let her know who you are so that she will know that she will not be judged.

And then just enjoy his (her) company!

[melinda45]

thank you counselers and stuff has not worked she will not talk to them we are at wits end . its a big risk to talk to her about my crossdressing . just thought is we used it as a tool to open a door . trufuly just want her to be happy ! now she is deprest and alone . not good

[busker]

im reading all and thanks it is about making her feel less alone .

I saw a program on transgender children in australia on youtube
but now can't find it. Try this site in US for some info if you think it might help
http://www.transkidspurplerainbow.org/

[melinda45]

thank you all !!!! its a great help

[Badtranny]

Melinda, your step daughter is experiencing some serious gender issues. Girls don't just bind their breasts and demand to be called Matt because of the MTV.

She has no idea you're a CD so I can promise you that just showing up one day in a dress will do nothing but alienate her/him. You need to sit down with your wife and Matt and explain your own gender issues and how you feel about it and how you basically support him no matter what. I really don't like the way CIS people tend to minimize gender confusion as if it were somehow about cross dressing. Believe me it is not. He doesn't give a damn about the clothes other than he wants people to respond to him as if he were a dude. Trans people don't want to live secret lives, he wants to be recognized for who he is. Please don't confuse this with your cross dressing issues.