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Thread: Told the wife's BFF about me

  1. #26
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeniseNJ View Post
    I can't change what happened , and she knows how my wife is and how much I do for he . She see's the total disrespect my wife has for me and that''s is on a daily basis. She even tells my wife that she is lucky I put up with her shit and that has nothing to do with my crossdressing. Can I QUOTE Doris DAY here PS: If I messed up , I never said that I was perfect.
    Oh oh. This doesn't sound good. I don't blame you for wanting to tell people, but this is too close to home for several reasons:

    1. It may lead you to eventually build resentment over the fact that the best friend is more accepting than your wife.
    2. This is not fair, since the best friend is not married to you. If she were, she might have a different reaction.
    3. After your wife finds out that you told her friend, it may lead to your wife feeling as if you don't care about her feelings. She may also feel as if you are sharing something intimate with a woman that you are not married to.
    4. It may cause a rift in her friendship with her friend.

    One of the most important things to agree on, with the CDing, is the degree of outedness. After the best friend leaves, I suggest you have a long talk with your wife and discuss thoroughly who should know and not know. I also think you should tell your wife that you told her friend, since it is likely that the friend will let on at some point in the future that she does know.
    Reine

  2. #27
    CamilleLeon's SO Shananigans's Avatar
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    Well, your pedicure looks really good.

    I hope all goes well with you, your wife, and her bestfriend. This may be an educational time for you on the dynamics of female friendships. You see, yes, it was your secret that you're a CD. However, it's HER secret that she is married to a CD. She chooses to keep things private from some people, just as I'm sure you might keep things (like CDing) from your boss, certain members of family, etc. Unless you are fully out to everyone (and, it sounds like you aren't), you have to understand the feeling of wanting to keep your secret kept. But, when you told your wife that you were a CD, you pulled her into the closet with her. Just as difficult as it might be to come out someone, it's just as difficult for her to reveal that her husband is a CD. She will go through many of the same difficulties and bad attitudes that you will. So, no, life isn't fair for a CD...but, it's not fair being in the closet with your CDing SO. It's also not fair when your CDing SO rips you out of the closet and just acts like you should deal with it. Remember...it's not just your secret.

    Also, the wife an her best friend now have to confront each other on this issue. This is something that she wasn't ready to share with her best friend, and sometimes the friend can get her feelings hurt about not being told. The friend might wonder why your wife didn't share this...or, if there are things they just can't share with each other.

    I finally told my best friend once my boyfriend decided to come out. She immediately wanted to know how long that I knew about my SO's CDing...I had kept it from her for over a year. When I told her how complicated things got and how I felt like there weren't many people to talk to about it, she wanted to know why I didn't turn to her. I imagine a similar conversation may take place between your wife and her best friend.

    So, just keep in mind that CDing isn't just your own closet if you aren't fully out. Your wife is in there with you. And, if you did come fully out, your wife would be under just as much scrutiny. So, the fairness goes both ways...things go much smoother when toes are put in the water before going straight to cannonball.

    "You let your husband go stomping around Vegas dressed like a woman?!? How do you know he isn't gay or sleeping with dudes?" I bet she'll get that line somewhere along the line.

    Her best friend isn't innocent either. She shouldn't be saying things to pit you two together...like saying your wife is lucky to have you and lucky you put up with her sh*t. If it were me...I would have shut that b*tch right down and said, "Do I live with you? Are you here making things work 24/7? Are you wearing this ring? That's what I thought." People only see a fraction of how a marriage works when looking in from the outside. And, your wife's best friend has no right to make those statements.

    But, I'd like to say your pedicure is lovely and Vegas sounds like a lot of fun! But, if you want to avoid drama next time, don't mess with women. Drama follows us...and, what may seem innocent to you opens up a whole can of worms between 2 females. I bet their conversation will be awkward since you told her friend before she wanted to...but, I'm sure they'll talk it out. However, you may get the stink eye for a while...apologizing would be best instead of acting innocent, or dismissing her desire to stay in the closet.
    "Today a young man [...] realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration...that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively...there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the Weather.”-Bill Hicks
    “What freedom men and women could have, were they not constantly tricked and trapped and enslaved and tortured by their sexuality! The only drawback in that freedom is that without it one would not be a human. One would be a monster.” East of Eden by Steinbeck

  3. #28
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    I would think that by now the wife was told by her BFF of your discussion and fashion show?
    How did your wife react?

  4. #29
    Aspiring Member Silentpartner GG SO's Avatar
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    Shananigans has made some very valid points - for a best friend to make such statements about her "best friend" sounds to me as though she may just have the hots for you and is making her 'best friend' look like a crap wife - some best friend she is! if she were my 'best friend' I'd kick her to the kerb and tell her to butt out of my marriage - its one thing to talk that in private, between two girlfriends, but its not very nice to say things like that to the husband.

  5. #30
    Senior Member DeniseNJ's Avatar
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    Ok I do realize all your concerns but when I am sitting in the recliner and I am barefoot and you have to look past my feet to see the TV how can one not notice , Kathy did notice but didn't make a comment to my wife. How would I explain this to he I love to have pedicures and get polish put on because I am a Macho man. I just told her not to make a big deal in front of my wife, that would have caused more issues. her questions lead to more explaining and pictures. No she has not told my wife, when I say BFF sometimes they go month without talking or even chatting on the phone . It is just that my wife been friends with her since a teen. No, she is just a friendly girl, when we meet we kiss in the lips, in front of the wife, that is just how she is. I really don't think major harm was done she thought it was cool maybe she is a little kinky. I really don't think this will lead anywhere but if it does I was far warned

  6. #31
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    LUCKY UR SIZE 9 I wear 11, actually 12s so i wear more open toed shoes i can wear 11s

  7. #32
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    For us Straight CD,s only mostly women should know and a couple of gay friends and one GOOD straight male friend. I'm not so shy around women the more i dress as one LOL Its so fun going to these clothing stores and I would love to go back to these stores as a guy! I never had the courage to shop for women's stuff as a guy other than Pay-less.

  8. #33
    Senior Member DeniseNJ's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jsunic_1978 View Post
    LUCKY UR SIZE 9 I wear 11, actually 12s so i wear more open toed shoes i can wear 11s
    How I wish I were a SIZE 9 I range from 11W to 12W depends on the style womens shoe the shoes pictured are a 12

  9. #34
    Senior Member Presh GG's Avatar
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    I can't believe you're such a selfish so & so that your wife can't have one darn friend to herself .

    You blew it ! Admit it...
    If you were my H , you wouldn't be.

    How can you continue to defend such a breach of boundry?

    Presh GG

  10. #35
    Momarie GG Momarie's Avatar
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    Seeing how you rationalize your sneaky, snide behavior with selfish justifications and ignore the good advice with even more selfish absorption...

    The GOOD thing about threads like this is that we all LEARN from it.

    Not from you of course, but from the fine, good, lovely LADIES on here who have respect for their partners.
    [SIZE="4"]Momarie[/SIZE]

  11. #36
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    How would you feel if your best guy friend were at the house one weekend, and your wife just happened by with a pair of your heels and said, "Silly boy!! My husband just WILL leave his heels laying around where we can trip over them.. Can't he put them back in the closet when he takes his dress and wig off??!!!"

    Shenanigans is right. You're both in the closet together, and you need to be more respectful.

  12. #37
    Silver Member Babeba's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeniseNJ View Post
    Ok I do realize all your concerns but when I am sitting in the recliner and I am barefoot and you have to look past my feet to see the TV how can one not notice , Kathy did notice but didn't make a comment to my wife. How would I explain this to he I love to have pedicures and get polish put on because I am a Macho man. I just told her not to make a big deal in front of my wife, that would have caused more issues. her questions lead to more explaining and pictures. No she has not told my wife, when I say BFF sometimes they go month without talking or even chatting on the phone . It is just that my wife been friends with her since a teen. No, she is just a friendly girl, when we meet we kiss in the lips, in front of the wife, that is just how she is. I really don't think major harm was done she thought it was cool maybe she is a little kinky. I really don't think this will lead anywhere but if it does I was far warned
    Are you trying to hint what I THINK you are trying to hint!??! Where is it that you think it really won't lead but if it does...?

    It sounds like you are contemplating cheating on your wife with her "BFF." I cannot, CANNOT, express how messed up and wrong this is, and the mental anguish this would put anyone in your wife's position in!

  13. #38
    Senior Member Jacqueline Winona's Avatar
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    Denise, the danger you face is that now that you have told her best friend, there's no reason to believe your wife will keep things quiet with anyone else. I can understand why in a moment of frustration you would talk to her, we are not doormats just because we're CD's. And she is your friend as well so it's understandable why you would reach out. But, I tend to agree that being more discreet would have been better. Having said all that, and I know I'll get some flack for this, but some of the criticisim you're getting is way beyond reasonable. You didn't commit a crime, I don't sense you had any malicious intent, and I think the lack of respect that you're perceiving is part of the problem here. Two wrongs don't make a right obviously, so frustration doesn't explain everything and I do encourage you to try to find a middle ground with your wife on these issues.

  14. #39
    CamilleLeon's SO Shananigans's Avatar
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    Denise,

    I see what you mean with the polish being obvious. But, you made it seem like in your OP that your wife wasn't wild about you getting your nails painted. And, after your pedicure, she didn't seem bothered by you walking barefoot. Did your wife notice/know you had gotten a pedicure?

    I ask because if I were your wife, I'd spin sh*t right around on you. If you had said the polish was obvious (and, I hadn't known you were showing off polished toes), I'd probably say, "Well, this is Exactly why I don't like you walking around barefoot. It IS obvious when you walk around barefoot with painted toes, which you know makes me uncomfortable."

    I don't know. Only you, your wife, and her friend really know what's going on. But, I will say that their bond is really strong if they have been friends since their teens. They might not talk but once a month, but going through being a teen with your girlfriend is a pretty strong bond. Some people greet by kissing on the mouth...I don't...but, some people do. I try to respect culture...but, if I were your wife and I wasn't okay with the kissing thing, I'd tell my friend that we just don't greet that way. So, I hope your wife would say something if it made her uncomfortable.

    There ARE women that are "frienemies"...and, it's usually people who have known each other a long time. In some close friendships, there might be the friend that wants a sense of control of the other friend's life. So, she might try to gain more trust from her friend's lover...may want to be desirable to him...she may try to advise everything that her friend does... These friendships end in explosions. They are timebombs. You may have found yourself in the presence of a "frienemy". Your wife might not even know this other woman is her frienemy lol. But, I'm just saying...if the friend seems manipulative and like she tries to dictate your wife...you are in an ugly situation...and, you should stay away from that woman. Your wife and her will eventually blow up on each other if this is actually the case.

    Just my two cents. I've seen these types of friendships between women...I've been in one. And, if the "bad friend" happens to get the other girl's SO to f*ck up, most of the time they'll let it fall straight on you...she'll say YOU came on to HER. Sounds crazy, but there are manipulative people out there. I'm not sure what this friend of your wife is up to...but, if I were you, I'd keep a good distance. Be polite, be nice...but, don't tell her secrets, don't kiss her, and don't spend a lot of time with her alone. It may just be nothing...but, nothing good is going to come from you getting too buddy-buddy with this friend. I don't care how girlie she makes you feel when she calls you a "b*tch." ((rolls eyes lol))

    Anyway, I really do hope it blows over. But, you gotta look at this from the angle of your wife. It honestly does seem like both you and her friend have disrespected her. You say you didn't mean to, so just apologize if it comes up. How can that hurt? And, just listen to my warning about her friend...her friend is straight up disrespectful...and, I don't know what's up with that...but, I know enough that I'd advise you to keep it very cordial with her and leave it.
    "Today a young man [...] realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration...that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively...there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the Weather.”-Bill Hicks
    “What freedom men and women could have, were they not constantly tricked and trapped and enslaved and tortured by their sexuality! The only drawback in that freedom is that without it one would not be a human. One would be a monster.” East of Eden by Steinbeck

  15. #40
    Senior Member Presh GG's Avatar
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    So there's been plenty of opportunity to answer the question
    " What did your wife say WHEN YOU TOLD HER YOU HAD TOLD HER BFF "
    It seems you're danceing away from that question... which leads me to not believe you.... In other words

    IN YOUR DREAMS !

    P

  16. #41
    Senior Member DeniseNJ's Avatar
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    Update

    First off if kathy said anything to my wife she hasn't said anything. Just last week they went to the movie theather to see Magic Mike. This is like the first time my wife went with he to the movies . They really don't do much together. And yes I had the polish on for 10 days and my wife knew I had the polish on and didn't say anything while her friend stayed over. I am sorry if some of you feel that I am a JERK but gaining acceptance from her felt real good . I didn't realize that I was being foolish and self centered telling her frind. Has anyone ever cried out for attention or am I the only one ??? Maybe someday she will tell her but they spoke on the phone and that conversation never came up

  17. #42
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeniseNJ View Post
    Ok well my wife was letting me walk around barefoot and didn't flip out too much but she still hates me getting polish on.
    Quote Originally Posted by DeniseNJ View Post
    If my wife knew I was telling her about Denise and showing her pics , The wife has yet to see my Makeover pics from Vegas, she is like I don't ask so don't tell.
    Quote Originally Posted by DeniseNJ View Post
    I am sorry if some of you feel that I am a JERK but gaining acceptance from her felt real good . I didn't realize that I was being foolish and self centered telling her frind. Has anyone ever cried out for attention or am I the only one ???
    It's not telling her friend that is the issue so much as having gone behind your wife's back. The adult thing to have done, knowing that your wife is not OK with the CDing and doesn't want people to know, was to TELL your wife that it is important for YOU to have others know that you crossdress, and that you wanted to tell her friend. You should have done this BEFORE showing the friend your pics. Doing otherwise is behaving in a passive-agressive manner and it is rather sneaky.
    Reine

  18. #43
    Silver Member darla_g's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Babeba View Post
    I it really fair to your wife to tell her friend without her knowing?
    Babeba has it right here, you should have discussed this with your wife

  19. #44
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    im so proud of u and u must of felt so good telling ur wifes bff. u go girl!

  20. #45
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    Why is Denise being put down for telling the wife's best friend. Don't we remember the thread where a wife told her Mother without the husband's consent? So many said the wife did nothing wrong in that thread, but here, when a cd does "almost" the same thing, then the husband is told he is wrong. I'm not giving an opinion on whose right or wrong here, but I just noticed a little hypocricy going on here.
    Love & Respect.....Tara

  21. #46
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tara-mxy View Post
    Why is Denise being put down for telling the wife's best friend.
    Had Denise told his/her own mother, there wouldn't be an issue. The point is that Denise told his/her WIFE's friend, not his/her own, and s/he did this without discussing it with his/her wife first.

    (Sorry Denise, I've no idea whether you see yourself as a male or female, hence my use of both pronouns).
    Reine

  22. #47
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    The wife's feelings come first you took wedding vows.

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