All I can think about is becoming a woman

[Nicole Rose]

Hey ladies,

Was asking for some advice. What happens when you are distracted from everything in your daily life because you can't stop thinking about how uncomfortable you are in your own skin? It never leaves my mind. I just think about being a feminine woman constantly. I admire women all day and can't stop thinking about how I want to be them. I look at their mannerisms, how relaxed they are, how happy they are and grow extremely envious and almost angry. I look at their outfits and just think about how they would look on me. When this happens, I get an intense feeling in my body that I can't even describe. I work in customer service so this makes my job extremely difficult. I don't know if I hate my body or not but I definitely don't care about how I dress as a male. I don't care about how I appear at all. I just feel like these thoughts are becoming crippling. It makes every day tasks almost impossible. I'm seeing a therapist right now and told her about my issues. I hope I didn't dig myself a hole I won't be able to get out of. I am scared, need help and don't know where to turn. I wish I was able to cry easily because I'm so incredibly confused and frustrated. What's an easy way to make yourself cry? Haha, I just need an emotional release.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

Also, I can't stop thinking about how I want my body to look feminine. I crave to have a curvy body like there's no tomorrow. Thinking about it makes me sick because I feel like I need it so bad. Just looking for some advice. How can I deal with these thoughts without going crazy?

[STACY B]

Just look at the ugly ones ,,,, An then you will feel better an know how you DONT want to look when your there at last ,,,lol,,, Maybe it will make ya feel better till you come out of you fog,,, Its just something we all obsese over so it will pass soon .

[AudreyTN]

Hey ladies,

Was asking for some advice. What happens when you are distracted from everything in your daily life because you can't stop thinking about how uncomfortable you are in your own skin? It never leaves my mind. I just think about being a feminine woman constantly. I admire women all day and can't stop thinking about how I want to be them. I look at their mannerisms, how relaxed they are, how happy they are and grow extremely envious and almost angry. I look at their outfits and just think about how they would look on me. When this happens, I get an intense feeling in my body that I can't even describe. I work in customer service so this makes my job extremely difficult. I don't know if I hate my body or not but I definitely don't care about how I dress as a male. I don't care about how I appear at all. I just feel like these thoughts are becoming crippling. It makes every day tasks almost impossible. I'm seeing a therapist right now and told her about my issues. I hope I didn't dig myself a hole I won't be able to get out of. I am scared, need help and don't know where to turn. I wish I was able to cry easily because I'm so incredibly confused and frustrated. What's an easy way to make yourself cry? Haha, I just need an emotional release.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

I'm right there with ya girl, lol. I constantly stare at women, and it's not that I'm trying to be a creeper, I'm just watching and studying and admiring. god, i want hormones so friggin' bad right now, I want boobs, and ffs and to get rid of this god damn penis! lol. but patience must be exercised

[Jorja]

Go to the toolshed or wherever you keep all those manly toys. Find the hammer. Now take the hammer in your hand and take aim at you big toe. Then with all your might, whack your toe. Well, it will take you mind off of it for a while anyhow.

There is only one solution I ever found that worked like a charm. Maybe it is time for you to make a decision?

[MC-lite]

ROFLMAO @jorja. I resisted the temptation to say something Michaela-esque.

@Nicole Rose: You need to lighten up and not take things too seriously. We've all been through this. This is a right of passage for -every- trans-woman, as well as -every- teenage girl.

So, maybe it's time to "take the plunge" as Jorja said and start looking at gender therapy and possibly going to the next level of Transition.

[Inna]

Hey Nicole, the therapist you are seeing, is this a TG specialty or a general Therapy?

[Elizabeth]

Hey ladies,

Was asking for some advice. What happens when you are distracted from everything in your daily life because you can't stop thinking about how uncomfortable you are in your own skin? It never leaves my mind. I just think about being a feminine woman constantly. I admire women all day and can't stop thinking about how I want to be them. I look at their mannerisms, how relaxed they are, how happy they are and grow extremely envious and almost angry. I look at their outfits and just think about how they would look on me. When this happens, I get an intense feeling in my body that I can't even describe. I work in customer service so this makes my job extremely difficult. I don't know if I hate my body or not but I definitely don't care about how I dress as a male. I don't care about how I appear at all. I just feel like these thoughts are becoming crippling. It makes every day tasks almost impossible. I'm seeing a therapist right now and told her about my issues. I hope I didn't dig myself a hole I won't be able to get out of. I am scared, need help and don't know where to turn. I wish I was able to cry easily because I'm so incredibly confused and frustrated. What's an easy way to make yourself cry? Haha, I just need an emotional release.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

I have been where you are. It's very upsetting and I can identify with your feelings, especially about it interfering with your life. I still have bouts of it and still fight the demons, but there is hope. What you are feeling is called Dysphoria, or unhappiness about who you are and what you want to be. If you are not seeing a gender therapist, I suggest you find someone who specializes in gender issues.

It will probably never go away completely, but you can learn to cope and not have it interfere with your life. What you are experiencing is a version of "why me". Diabetics, cancer patients, and many many others go through these feelings. Why can't I be a beautiful woman who can wear all the nice clothes? One of the things that I realized that really helped me, was that I am like most women who wish they were beautiful and could wear all the nice clothes. Somehow knowing I am like most other women, is a comfort to me.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Nicole Rose]

My therapist is not a gender specialist but I plan on seeing one eventually. I gotta start somewhere, right?

[josee]

Go to the toolshed or wherever you keep all those manly toys. Find the hammer. Now take the hammer in your hand and take aim at you big toe. Then with all your might, whack your toe. Well, it will take you mind off of it for a while anyhow.

There is only one solution I ever found that worked like a charm. Maybe it is time for you to make a decision?

I thought you were going to say to aim for another part of your anatomy! Like about 30" higher. God knows I've considered it lately.

[Inna]

Hey Nicole, getting to talk to Trans specialist isn't a declaration of transition but it is a start of knowing one self and unraveling the mystery. Why it is so important? Trans oriented therapists are trained to recognize and attend to the complicated architecture of gender dysphoria, however, general therapists are not, and even though their intentions may be good they might not have enough knowledge and in effect, undermine well being of dysphoric individual.

[Noemi]

Hello Nicole.

I am sorry you are feeling uncomfortable(hug hug hug)

You described how I feel often.

Try to think of how you are of use to yourself being male. See what you come up with. What stops you from becoming more feminine?

You are already a pretty girl...So dress up allot.
Try to see the perfection in life. We are designed how we are designed for a reason.
These are things I think about, and they help me cope.

It seems the closet can not hold some of us. Our feminine side is too powerful and we must choose to be her.

I am scared too at times. I say how can this be, but it is. And at this point I know it is permanent(in my eary 40's)I have felt how you have described, though I blocked it in my youth, because it simply was not allowed. You are not allowed to be gay either in my family, or a Democrat for that matter, not that I am political just making a point.

Sorry to go on and on. I do not like long posts, but am writing more than usual tonight...

So now I am older I am my own person and avoid those hater types. Which is really easy...LOL!!

I am wishing you well honey...sending positive vibes to you☺☺☺☺
Keep talking.

♥
Noemi

[prene]

nichole,

I have been feeling the same way.
I have a therapist and she tells me to take it slow.

I do wish I had a different skin, all the time.

I do not know what to say but u are not alone.

[Aprilrain]

I look at their mannerisms, how relaxed they are, how happy they are

don't kid yourself, not all woman are relaxed and happy, not all men feel the way you do most are quite relaxed and happy with their bodies and lives.

What you describe is gender dysphoria as others have said find a therapist and be brutally honest.

[kimdl93]

well, you're seeing a therapist...that's what you have to do. Your long-term solution is going to be up to you, with input from your therapist. But in the mean time, you do need to learn some techniques - new ways of thinking - that may help ease your emotional anquish. Has your therapist suggested any mental exercises to help cope with negative or obsessive thinking?

[Jorja]

I thought you were going to say to aim for another part of your anatomy! Like about 30" higher. God knows I've considered it lately.

You do not want to damage that! If and when you have SRS, they will use it. If you are like was, I needed every little bit.

[LisaMallon]

I so know where you are at Nichole. I keep telling myself, "one day at a time" and "stick to the plan".

But I so wish I could just take the 'red pill' and wake up in reality, instead of being trapped in this terrible illusion.

Courage Nichole, it will happen. Not as fast as we both wish of course, but it will.

[Nicole Rose]

Thanks for all the responses, ladies! Today, I've called the SF health center and I'm rearranging doctors so I can get someone who specializes in gender therapy. So glad I'm finally going to talk to someone who understands my situation!

[brenne]

don't kid yourself, not all woman are relaxed and happy...
What you describe is gender dysphoria as others have said find a therapist and be brutally honest.

Hi Nicole - Aprilrain said the first thing that came to ming about this. But please definitely work with the therapist on this, and keep letting us know how you are doing.

Also might want to read books such as "She's Not There" (Jennifer Finney Boylan) - definitely covers a lot of honest issues in her transition (such as knowing the frustrations that many women/GG's go through.

Huggs? (((Nicole Rose))) - BrendaB.

Best wishes in your journey.