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Thread: Courage

  1. #1
    Member Delila's Avatar
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    Courage

    For those that go out dressed. Where do you find the courage? I have been out twice dressed and both times were halloween. I am even afraid to go dressed for halloween again because I am afraid friends will out me. I would love to go dressed for well anything and I have made baby steps namely in underdressing socks and panties. Ultimately I don't have the courage to go outdoors even fully dressed concerned that someone will say something. I would love to be like some of those of you that are brave and go out even though you know you will not pass. Any advice is so welcome I need to get over this mental hangup.
    Love like you've never been hurt,
    work like you don't need the money,
    and dance as if no one is watching.
    Delila

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    Your hangup seems to stem from the possibility of being seen by people who knows you. One way to deal with it is to go a comfortable distance from home where you are unlikely to see those people.

    Remember, when dressed you look very much different than your male self. Even someone who knows you in male mode will walk right by you in female mode unless there is something else that tips them off.

    Courage? I think I needed it the first time I went out dressed. Once I found out that the Gender Police didn't swoop down for me it gave me the confidence to do it again. After that, you build confidence and realize that being made isn't the end of the world. The less you worry about that,. the better you pass!
    Eryn
    "These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I! How about that!" [Kaylee, in Firefly] [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    "What do you care what other people think?" [Arlene Feynman, to her husband Richard]
    "She's taller than all the women in my family, combined!" [Howard, in The Big Bang Theory]
    "Tall, tall girl. The woman could hunt geese with a rake!" [Mary Cooper, in The Big Bang Theory]

  3. #3
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    I got to the point where my need to go out into the world over rode any fears and I just stopped caring what other people may think. But mainly it's about attitude. Regardless of whether one passes, you get back what you put out there. You've got to keep your head up, smile, and walk around like you belong there. It can be hard at first so you just gotta fake it until the confidence catches up. And it will.

  4. #4
    Member Carmen's Avatar
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    Yes Delila I second Eryn's advice. put some distance between you and your home town. I don't know the nearest major city but you will discover how easy it can be to blend into the public scene there.
    Personaly I feel that I pass about 75% of the time, and a lot of that comes with how well I present. I used to skirt around, avoid people altogether, always worried about someone pointing me out and screaming.
    Yes I still need to take a deep breath and meditate a little before I get out of the car, but after I'm out there with no place to hide I just go with it and be the girl that I am.
    Sitting in a resturant having dinner, 1 out of 10 people might focus on me for a moment, the rest just walk on by (looking at my plate) and never see me.
    As long as you don't look like a drag queen and strive to dress your age, smile and project confidence, you should be fine.
    "Missed it by that much!"

  5. #5
    Gold Member Cynthia Anne's Avatar
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    I go out in my home town 'cause I don't care what others see or say! The idea of putting some distance between you and your friends is a good one! Courage comes with exsperince! Try it! You will like it!
    If you don't like the way I'm livin', you just leave this long haired country girl alone:

  6. #6
    Member BobbieBrooks's Avatar
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    If you have someone to go with will make it easier. Dress to blend , no one will notice. Start in a bigger city, with small steps and they will get easier. Wife will go with me, and we have fun.

    BobbieB
    To Dream of the Person you want to be Is to Waste the Person you are. unknown

    And like the song: What doesn't kill you, can't hurt you.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rachel Renee View Post
    I got to the point where my need to go out into the world over rode any fears and I just stopped caring what other people may think. But mainly it's about attitude. Regardless of whether one passes, you get back what you put out there. You've got to keep your head up, smile, and walk around like you belong there. It can be hard at first so you just gotta fake it until the confidence catches up. And it will.
    Me too. It was a needs vs wants thing. Some have it, some don't. Some will get it and love it, like us.

  8. #8
    Aspiring Overlord Bree Wagner's Avatar
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    Delia,

    Lots of good advice here already.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rachel Renee View Post
    I got to the point where my need to go out into the world over rode any fears and I just stopped caring what other people may think
    I'd echo this point. It's a matter of how much do you want it vs how much do you fear the consequences of 'bad things' happening. Change either side of that formula and everything can change for you!

    Being in the Denver area there are lots of great things you can try that are very friendly to your situation. I know one of the local TG groups offers a place to change (and I'd guess most, if not all, of them do too) where you can get dressed in private without having to do it at home if that's a big concern to you. If your worries are in other areas there's probably resources to help those too. Just let us know! You'll get there.

    All the best,
    Bree

  9. #9
    trans punk Badtranny's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Delila View Post
    I am even afraid to go dressed for halloween again because I am afraid friends will out me.
    Knowing you lack courage is an important step to authenticity as you must be self aware before you can ever be yourself.

    Start out with the next town over thing and then eventually work up to having some secret friends and soon you will have an actual double life just like so many of your sisters.
    Quote Originally Posted by STACY B
    At least there is social acceptance in being a drunk in our world. Hell I was good at it too.
    Melissa Hobbes
    www.badtranny.com

  10. #10
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    In addition to all the other advice about dressing as others do for where you are going and visiting a town away from yours you could also see if there are any support groups in your area.
    Generally a support group will have a changing room so that you can dress on site. Many memebers don't travel dressed (even in my group) so this is a big help. After going to a few meetings and making friends maybe you will have someone to go out with and that will help ease your distress. The first meeting my wife and I attended we met some nice people and at the end of the meeting one of them said, "ok, who's going to the diner for dessert?". Well, it was something I had wanted to do so I just bolstered my courage and about 8 of us went to a local (to the meeting) diner. Everyone there treated us wonderfully and now it's monthly thing with us. It helped my confidence immensely and now we go out everywhere.

    Having others to talk to and get ideas from is a great thing.
    Can you see the REAL Me?

  11. #11
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    Delila, most of us made baby steps: driving, walking the block, etc. The most important thing to remember is that 99.9% of people just don't care. Dress for the location and time that you are out. No one is looking and no one wants to do you harm.

  12. #12
    Silver Member linda allen's Avatar
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    Where do you find the courage? Inside you. Just decide to do it, then do it. It's like going into a cool swimming pool. It's hard to jump in, but once you do, you're fine.

    Fear of recognition? Well that's normal and although some of us don't care, it's a real fear and a real problem for the rest of us.

    Going away from home is a good idea of course. Here are a couple others:

    If it's daytime, wear sunglasses, the bigger the better. Also a wig that covers some of your face with bangs. The wig and sunglasses, combined with your clothing, purse and jewelry will make you look much different than your male self.

    Night time - for starters, it's dark so it's harder for folks to see you clearly. Parks and outdoor shopping areas are good places to walk. Walking around alone late at night is not a good idea, you may be attacked or the police may stop you to see if you are OK or to see if you are up to no good.

    Wherever you go, act like you have a purpose, don't just wander around, and act like you are an actual female who has done this all her life.

    It takes practice and you will get better as you practice.
    [SIGPIC]http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=82706&dateline=137762 0356[/SIGPIC]Linda

  13. #13
    Silver Member STACY B's Avatar
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    Rememeber its Location,,,,,Location,,,,, Location,,,, Just like a good bizzness,,, So if you plan an outing ,,,Get the place rite . An all the other advice all the chix gave is great also . An dont dress like a hooker ,,Unless your going where Hookers hang out then you can ,,lol,, The going outta town trick isthe best for a confidence builder ,,My problem is Im friggen to Lazy ,,I want to just go down the street where I live close by,,, But hell thats just me ,, I used to be the same as you till the woman inside fried my brain ,,, She has taken over the man an has possessed him ,,, Now I just do whatever ,, An when people ask I just laugh an change the subject,,Seems to work !
    Yull Find Out !!! lol,,,,

  14. #14
    Member sonna's Avatar
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    the more you do it the easer it gets

  15. #15
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    When you go out in public, you will be seen by people. That goes with the territory. If this is something you want to do, then you need to prepare yourself. Of course, that means getting some appropriate and hopefully flattering clothes, pracicing with make up, maybe getting a shaper and forms if you want to look genuinely feminine. But, the key is going out to please yourself, without worrying or caring what someone might say. You can assume that some people will notice, many will be indifferent, while some may be amused, and others may be surprisingly sympathetic. And of course, the point is being happy with yourself, despite the knowledge that some people may be disapproving. Its not really courage, so much as a resolve to be oneself.

  16. #16
    Breakin' social taboos TGMarla's Avatar
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    The hardest part for me is simply leaving the house. My neighbors are retired, and often home. I worry that they may see me and immediately clock me, especially since I'm getting into MY car. Once away from home, though, I find it's easy to just be out and about. Since I'm out, and I have no safety net, I just don't worry about it. It gets easier by the minute while you're out doing things.

    Any money found in the laundry is MINE!


    "This is no social crisis....this is me having fun!"

    www.flickr.com/photos/tgmarla/

  17. #17
    Silver Member linda allen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TGMarla View Post
    The hardest part for me is simply leaving the house. My neighbors are retired, and often home. I worry that they may see me and immediately clock me, especially since I'm getting into MY car. Once away from home, though, I find it's easy to just be out and about. Since I'm out, and I have no safety net, I just don't worry about it. It gets easier by the minute while you're out doing things.
    The few times I've been out, I underdressed and carried everything else with me and changed in a parking lot, or I left before daylight after parking where I only had a few feet between the side door of the garage and the driver's door of my vehicle.

    Coming back home, you have no way of knowing who will be around so I always changed back ito boy mode first.
    [SIGPIC]http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=82706&dateline=137762 0356[/SIGPIC]Linda

  18. #18
    Senior Age Member sissystephanie's Avatar
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    Delila, the first thing you need to do is to decide who it is you are trying to impress when you dress!! Most people, whether CD's or not, dress to satisfy themselves. There is no difference in wearing feminine garments if that is what YOU want to do. What you wear is your business, and no one else's. Put on your pretty feminine clothes, along with your makeup and fix your hair and go out!! I go out almost every day dressed enfemme, but with no makeup and no wig (I am almost bald!). My dear late wife always did my makeup and my wig, and I am terrible at both! If people don't like the way I look, that is their problem not mine!
    Stephanie

    Lady on the outside, but man underneath!

  19. #19
    Member Carla4Guage's Avatar
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    Bobbie said it best "Dress to blend , no one will notice." If you are not dressed as a hooker or teenager when the real you is considerably older, you can pull it off. Any city 20 miles away will work and you can dress is a small gas statiion rest room if necessary. Confidence comes about 15 minutes into it! Good luck & let us know how it went, bet you'll be grinning from earring to earring!
    [SIZE="3"][/SIZE]Hugs,

    Carla

    http://flickr.com/photos/carla4guage/

  20. #20
    Silver Member Debra Russell's Avatar
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    Post some pics of your best presentation - we will give you feed back, encouragement, or help and really if you just do it it'll be fine.....................Debra

  21. #21
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Keep thinking of Halloween and how you handled that situation.You have been here long enough to pluck up courage or meet someone to assist you.
    Best of luck overcoming your hangup.
    At worst, keep trying Halloween with your friends. They may wish to encourage you to go to parties in disguise.
    That is basically what happened to me when I was eighteen.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  22. #22
    Senior Member KellyJameson's Avatar
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    The first step toward courage is having the courage to admit you are afraid.

    There is wisdom in insecurity because a certain element of caution can protect you so each person must decide for themselves when caution becomes a prison that
    limits their quality of life.

    I evaluate people and avoid those who are strongly opinionated and controlling because I have found they are usually coming from places of fear. To be free you must surround yourself with people who truly value freedom not just for themselves but everyone.

    Friends and family can be obstacles to personal growth and individual expression because they are invested in controlling others for their own use to support their own ambitions and needs.

    Crossdressing is not so much a matter of courage in oneself to crossdress as it is the realization that most people live with so much fear inside them that it becomes dangerous to be different around them.

    Instead of finding the courage to crossdress I found the courage to let go of having relationships with people who are afraid to give others the freedom to be different.

    In the world there are people living without fear and you will know them by their equanimity and when you surround yourself with them and become like them you
    will no longer fear being different (an individual) instead of an object subservient to the group defined as the greater good.

    Find your own kind and through them you will find yourself and the courage will follow.

  23. #23
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    Start by walking over to the door. Open it. Put one foot outside. Put the second foot outside. Now get dressed as you like and try it. See, no lighting bolts have struck you. Work on this by taking a step further away from the door each time. Then decide to go for a walk or drive. Something small. Work your way up to the debutante ball. Your courage and confidence will grow with each and every step. Soon you will be out walking around town like you own it.

  24. #24
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    I know where you’re coming from; I’m only a little way ahead of you along the road and still feel the trepidation of taking those steps. These are some of the things I did early on.
    Go for a drive in the early evening. You’re in a steel safety cage but out of the house. Just remember to keep a focus on your driving.
    When out driving, post some letters. These can be to yourself so when they arrive you get a nice reminder of your achievement. When you do post them, park progressively further away from the post box. It increases the time you’re out the car and helps build your confidence.
    Find a quiet ATM and check your balance.
    Park in a superstore car park that has recycling facilities and use those.
    These are things that people do so no one will think that it’s something strange and most likely not give you a second glance.
    As a safety net take a change of clothes. That way if it gets too stressful you can do a quick makeover putting them over your femme things if in a real hurry.
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  25. #25
    Pausing To Femme-flect melissacd's Avatar
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    Delila,

    There was a time when I looked at others on this site who were going out into the public, who were living their true selves and thinking wow I wish that I had their courage but I will never be able to do that. That was in 2004. Since then I have convinced myse;f that dressing is my authentic self and I just go out in to the world with my head held high and with a level of confidence that says to others this is me and I am proud of who I am. The surprising thing that I found is that if I carry myself out in the world as if I belong the there, whether I pass or not, that they just accept me as a female, treat me with friendship, respect and acceptance. Our biggest challenge to getting out there is ourselves.
    What stop do I get off at? Hmmm...

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