Originally Posted by
danam
This morning when we're getting ready for the day, I see my wife in front of the mirror wearing only a bra and skirt, fiddling with her hair. The image strikes me. She looks wonderful. I tell her so. She likes the compliments (I've been married long enough to know that!).
As I'm looking at her, I say, practically under my breath, "I like women's clothing."
She laughs, "Good! As long as you don't like wearing them." ha ha
Without a beat, I chime, "That would probably freak you out, wouldn't it?"
"Yeah, it would," she replies. "But you don't seem the type." Of course not! I reveal nothing.
I stay silent, realizing just how serious this conversation could turn. My insides turn circles. I am not ready for this conversation. Not ready to reveal just how big a deal this is to me. Wow, I am so close to exposing myself here. I stonewall. Just like a guy. Stonewall.
"Well," she laughs again, still amused but ever-so-slightly uncomfortable, "You're certainly not denying it."
Again, I stay silent. This is not the time! There is never a time. But this isn't it. It is Monday morning before work. I'm not going to have a deep, life-altering conversation now. These desires are way, way, WAY too complex and repressed and altogether freaky for me (and her!) to discuss right now. So I'm a statue. It is easy to get distracted with the million things to do on a Monday morning. So we both continue. She with her hair, me with my work clothes.
The conversation ends there.
But the seed has been sown. Ever so gently. I will do everything to spare her a shocking experience of seeing me full-on as Dana, without time to comprehend the depth and complexity of my internal issues. But now, after this conversation, she knows that dressing is not a completely crazy, hell-no! type of idea. That's a start. Just a little here and there, a few hints and revelations over time, and maybe this will all turn out okay.