Do any other young CDs feel profoundly lonely?

[spiroxlii]

This community was invaluable to me when I was trying to come to terms with my identity. I especially appreciated having a forum specifically set aside for young CDs. The day I "aged out" of that forum, I lost something very special.

Please don't misunderstand me. I don't have anything against the older members here. I've lurked and read as much in this forum as I have in any other forum. This isn't about being better or cooler or anything like that. It's a matter of how well I feel I relate to the members outside the youth forum.

I'm turning 28 this year, but I'm one of those people who has had a late start in life. I've meandered through my education, passing from school to school as part of my quest to form an identity. I have only really been out on my own living as a "real" grownup for about a year, and I'm still in school trying to make something of myself. Chronologically, I may be almost 30, but personally and professionally, I'm about 21.

I see a lot of love, wisdom, and compassion here, but I am only compelled to click on one or two of the posts I see in this forum each day, because I don't feel that I relate to some of the common problems of the people who post here (especially marital issues). Just as GGs of different ages have different concerns and interests, middle aged and older CDs are naturally going to have a lot of conversations that may not be relevant to a younger CD yet.

On the other had, I am now missing out on the conversations that DO matter to me. I care about navigating the minefield of dating as a CD, discussing GLBTQ issues on campus, and even shooting the breeze about video games.

My point is that I feel profoundly lonely now. I am surrounded by people who have one very important thing in common with me, but sometimes it feels like that one thing is the ONLY thing we have in common. I know a community of people who are more like me exists, but I am now outside the fence. Actually, it's more like a solid wall, because I can't even look in.

One day, I'll be more mature, and I'll have problems and questions more like the ones I see here every day. On that day, I will count myself as a very fortunate individual to be in such good company. Once again, I did not mean any disrespect to the people who post in this forum. I simply don't feel as comfortable out here yet. It'll be a long while before I do...

[ReineD]

After this thread dies down, you should start a thread in the Meeting Place, seeking people to talk to under the age of 30, and possibly explain that you are still in school but cannot join the Young Member's group because you are 28. Hopefully you'll get enough responses between these two threads to find a few people you can PM with.

I remember one thread there from a younger person who was bored one night and wanted people to chat with on yahoo. I think after a week there were several pages of responses with yahoo IDs.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Don't feel bad, I have been in the same exact position as you are in, on all counts (spent a great deal of my 20s after college floundering around trying to find descent work, having to move around several times, changing to a new career etc. I still feel like I am in my 20s sometimes, given I am in a position in life where I am not married or have kids and wish I had friends to go places and do things with.

I started getting involved with the trans community when I was 19 (I am now 35), when I was the only young person around at all. Even today, there is not a whole lot for the younger (especially being pre-marriage/kids) folks, and especially very little for the young occasional-dressing-hetero-TVs as opposed to those who are fulltime, TS etc.

[max]

Not sure I'd identify as lonely per-se but I can relate to a few of the life situations you described even though I'm a bit younger than you.

TBH the young members area is pretty slow. I'm not sure if this is because they're all out busy having fun or sort of a catch-22 thing where it's slow because people got used to it being slow?

[Laura912]

Now this is going to sound like an old ......! I can well remember the feeling at that age and how necessary it was to sublimate CDing to other activities to stay sane. I too was the older student and things came along later. But our difference is that I was so far into the closet as to be in another dimension and you have the benefit of this and other fora. Maybe Reine's advice will help. Best wishes.

[Jenniferathome]

Please remember, we were all young once so we can all relate to where you are. Most of us buried this inside and lived alone with it for decades. My suggestion is to find one friend with whose you can confide,male or female and come out. Communication is the key to shedding the lonliness. Still do remember that many of us here can relate and may be able to help. At least Witt he non-age specific issues;-)

[SabrinaDubh]

I'm 41 and am a profoundly lonely crossdresser.

At one point I had a group of girlfriends who all hung out and went out together. Slowly they all faded away. Some moved, others quit dressing for one reason or another. Some just got involved in other things. These days I just look at my clothes and sigh. It seems like it's so much more difficult to find nice, like minded people to hang out with these days. I tried to make friends with some people here but either they are not really like minded or just not very nice and I have no idea what other web forums there are, so I'm kinda stuck here.

Communication doesn't do much when there's no one to talk to.

[kimdl93]

Dag nabbit, you young whippersnappers, all uppity and getall. Why when I was your age we had a wood-burnin' internet. And we liked it, dag nabbit.

But seriously, I know it may not seem that you have a lot in common - besides the obvious - with a bunch of old people. Remember, that many of us have been down that same path - including meandering through higher education. Besides, there are lots of younger people here - from their late teens through early 30's.

Do a quick search and I bet you find dozens...maybe hundreds of threads that deal with dating as a CD, campus issues relating to GLBTQ and videos. It may not be the best use of your time, as a OTA college student, but I think you'll find more people with your interests than you imagine.

So,once in a while read about some of our problems and experiences. I guarantee that some inevitably will become yours. Your life story - 28 going on 21, is not at all unique. You're darn tootin' By cracky!

[Krystalina]

Oh yeah.

I've just turned 31 a few weeks ago...and am still in the process of solifiying the life I desire as a CD. Never dated, and while I have wonderful best friends, I cannot totally relate to them, let alone tell them about my secret life and desires. Hell, I just got on my own(sort of) a year ago, and have enjoyed being "comfortable" to a degree as a CD.

One of my friends harass me constantly about not having a girlfriend, and many co-workers bug me about not having an active social life. But, if I told them the truth, that I would rather enjoying socializing as Krystalina, it would make me a social pariah, and possibly embarass my family and friends. Its really frustrating to be around them at times...to not be yourself, and also not caring about your typical "man" things like sports. Admittedly, I keep my distance because of this.

So, profoundly lonely as well. I wish there were social venues where I could comfortably go as myself, meet women, hell, meet fellow CDs, party or hang-out. I've been researching lazily different social lifestyles, like Goth/Punk, or Cosplay(I'm one of the biggest anime and superhero comic fans in the world) just to see subtle ways to become Krystalina.

[KellyJameson]

Your strength is that you admit to yourself that you are lonely

When I feel lonely or bored I treat this as I would a physical pain and pain is here to guide us and keep us safe if we manage it in ways that nurture us instead of trying to suppress it by not making the effort to acknowledge the reason for it's existence.

Treat pain as a teacher, learn from it.

The more a person stands out from the crowd the greater the need to increase the size of the crowd they stand in so you will have to make a greater effort to find your
own kind because you are unique.

Becoming or being singular takes work and it is scary losing the protection of the herd, thats why many never do it. This is an illusion because you still belong within the circle of humanity and there is always a new friend around every corner.

The difference between solitude and loneliness is knowing you have a choice.

Think beyond the crossdressing to many of the other attributes and personality characterisitics of those here on the forum and you will notice a high degree
of interest in the arts and the sciences, crossdressing comes out of an active and sensitive mind.

If you pursue or develop your own artistic interests you will find friendships with people who are more likely to accept your crossdressing and may even share in it.

I would let go of making comparisons between yourself and others as a measure of your own success and maturity because success has little to do with material accomplishment and everything to do with spiritual accomplishment which is the relationship you have with yourself at the end of your life.

You leave life only with what you carry inside not what you carry on your back.

This comes from being open and curious and wading into life like you would the ocean. Closing your mind with opinions shrinks your world so keep your mind open
to learning and you will continue to live instead of being one of the walking dead.

Throw away many of your false beliefs (concepts), "late start in life" "I'm about 21" ect.. These are all beliefs as a measurement in relation to others and doing this will stop you from finding your own personal path to walk in life because they are building a concept of " I'm failing at life"

The only way to fail at life is to be indifferent to it's sanctity.

Life is precious, go out and experience it in whatever way moves you personally and forget about whether you are a failure in relationship to others, be a success in relationship to yourself and this can not happen if you continue to make comparisons.

Life is not a win or lose race with others but an extremely personal adventure.

Travel is an excellant way to discover yourself through others in my opinion.

[reb.femme]

One day, I'll be more mature, and I'll have problems and questions more like the ones I see here every day. On that day, I will count myself as a very fortunate individual to be in such good company.

Being into my fifth decade on this earth and from my personal experence, I wouldn't bet on the above statement of maturity. I refuse to grow up!
Age is a gift, the other choice isn't worth considering!

Sorry for being an old fart, but I fully understand that people like to associate more within their age group. So no offence taken here.
Hats off to you, never too late for education, only got my degree some 5 years back and left school with zero. I just hated school when I was meant to be doing it but loved it afterwards.

Anyway, off to take my over 50s pills, teeth out and off to bed.........I don't think!

Rebecca x

[Foxglove]

Your situation sounds very much like mine several hundred years ago when I was young. Didn't know where I was going, didn't know what I was doing with myself, still don't in certain ways. And yes, it can be lonely. I think a lot of us have had that experience.

I think one key is deciding what you love in life and trying to live for that. If your heart and spirit are full in that way, it compensates for a lot of things. But when you start making friends, which you will, it's still good to have direction in your life. That's something I lacked for a long time. We all go through bad patches in life but if you're living for what you love, it will help you get through a lot of things.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Raquel June]

In general, there's a higher percentage of 30-ish people in the trans section. We don't bite. But I guess we also don't talk about anime.

I thought it was pretty silly when they made the young-people-only section. Well, silly that they actually try to enforce age restrictions -- which anyone could bypass simply by making a new account lying about their age. Not that you can't try to sneak into the Safe Haven either, I guess.

Regardless, if you're into the 4chan-like discussions or discussing GLBTQ issues on campus, there are tons of places to go on the net.

[MysticVero]

Aww don't feel bad. If there is something I've learned as a your CD is that you are never alone. There are always people that share the experiences you do. I am sure you will find comfort soon and will be looking forward to the future instead of the past. Just hang in there, the people here are extremely nice and even when they haven't been in your shoes they still lend an ear and give you support.

[busker]

This community was invaluable to me when I was trying to come to terms with my identity. I especially appreciated having a forum specifically set aside for young CDs. The day I "aged out" of that forum, I lost something very special.

Please don't misunderstand me. I don't have anything against the older members here. I've lurked and read as much in this forum as I have in any other forum. This isn't about being better or cooler or anything like that. It's a matter of how well I feel I relate to the members outside the youth forum.

I'm turning 28 this year, but I'm one of those people who has had a late start in life. I've meandered through my education, passing from school to school as part of my quest to form an identity. I have only really been out on my own living as a "real" grownup for about a year, and I'm still in school trying to make something of myself. Chronologically, I may be almost 30, but personally and professionally, I'm about 21.

I see a lot of love, wisdom, and compassion here, but I am only compelled to click on one or two of the posts I see in this forum each day, because I don't feel that I relate to some of the common problems of the people who post here (especially marital issues). Just as GGs of different ages have different concerns and interests, middle aged and older CDs are naturally going to have a lot of conversations that may not be relevant to a younger CD yet.

On the other had, I am now missing out on the conversations that DO matter to me. I care about navigating the minefield of dating as a CD, discussing GLBTQ issues on campus, and even shooting the breeze about video games.

My point is that I feel profoundly lonely now. I am surrounded by people who have one very important thing in common with me, but sometimes it feels like that one thing is the ONLY thing we have in common. I know a community of people who are more like me exists, but I am now outside the fence. Actually, it's more like a solid wall, because I can't even look in.

One day, I'll be more mature, and I'll have problems and questions more like the ones I see here every day. On that day, I will count myself as a very fortunate individual to be in such good company. Once again, I did not mean any disrespect to the people who post in this forum. I simply don't feel as comfortable out here yet. It'll be a long while before I do...

well, it isn't clear whether you want to live full time, or you might transition or what your orientation might be , but it sounds as though the tail might be wagging the dog. There seems to be perhaps too much emphasis on the CD aspect of your life, and it can get in the way of living. There is a lot to life and balance is necessary. Just like any other aspect of your life, this one will have to find it's proper place. Work, the stuff of life that requires daily attention cannot just go by the wayside. That's what happens when people have the pink fog. I remember a statement ascribed to one of Art Linkletter's kids which goes something like "it's hard to grow up if you have something against it personally". But we all must grow up, move forward and be in control of our own lives. If you have aged out, there must have been a good reason for setting that limit and that may be the sign that it IS time to move forward, put the security blanket aside and join the rest of the world. As it has been said, just because we're old farts, doesn't mean we haven't been there and done that. You might be surprised what cumulative experience is here and waiting to be tapped. Best of luck to you as you wend your way through life.

[Msora]

I'm 30. That's close enough, right? Although it has been a long time since I've been in college, and I wasn't active in the local LGBT groups then. Drop me a PM if you want to chat about anything. I'll talk your ear off about video games.

[Raquel June]

I guess what I meant to say is that if you just want to have light conversation there are plenty places to go. I just assumed you weren't actually looking for support seeing as you have 163 posts in four years of being here. But if you're feeling lonely lonely, and not just wanna-chat lonely, just give it another try. Make some threads and tell people what you're feeling. There are a lot of compassionate people here who will try to help, even if you don't think they'll have much relevant to say.

[lianatcharles]

Hi spiroxlii - I'm 27 and I can say +1 to everything that you mentioned about being a little out of touch with the rest of the CDing community. I opened up about my dressing about two years ago and I got more involved with this community as well as going out in the local community where i live. I've honestly found that most of the ladies in the local groups are a bit older and it's made me feel a tad out of place, although I can say everyone is very friendly and supportive :-) I do think sometimes when we're younger we're ashamed of our feelings for dressing and may not be as open about it, so it seems like there are less of us out there.

[Xrys]

I will be 28 in september. I have bounced from one job to another, and one school to another like a blade of grass just blown about by the wind seeking a place where I belong. After months of searching, I have finally found a full time job again, and am starting to act like a responsable adult. I have friends here in AZ that share my game intrests, and i have this forum. but no place where these two aereas overlap. I understand completely. I am more of a table top gamer than video gamer, but I have lost a significant portion of my life to minecraft, and many other games over the years. I think it would be interesting to get a group together that share more in common than just cd/tg/ts stuff. mabey a gamer group, or an anime group, or a sewing group, or a musician group. I think it would be a great idea to have some overlaping interests in your social circles.

[Delila]

I think that perhaps we all feel lonely sometimes. Some of us have more support than others and all the while the loneliness remains. Our lifestyle tends to lead to some measure of loneliness whether manufactured or real. I am 31 so just a little ahead of you age wise and I regularly feel lonely really most of the time. I recommend you try to find some local CD groups and make some friends I think you will find that when surrounded with people that are in the same situation you will feel more at home. While I cannot speculate to your level of CDing a local group of like minded friends could work wonders for your self esteem. I should say I have been where you are and it is a long difficult road but at least I hope when you reach the end you are a better person for it. Just take the time to get to know people of your own age group I have found other CDers by chance. My best friend is a CDer and I didn't know that about him until we had been friends for years. Don't give up there is a lot of support around if you need it often you only need to ask as you have and the response will be considerable. I wish you luck in your life and I hope that you find the support that you are seeking. If you ever want to just chat about video games please feel free to PM me I am a bit of a gamer myself and I always love to hear a new perspective on current games

[dragdoll]

Your strength is that you admit to yourself that you are lonely

When I feel lonely or bored I treat this as I would a physical pain and pain is here to guide us and keep us safe if we manage it in ways that nurture us instead of trying to suppress it by not making the effort to acknowledge the reason for it's existence.

Treat pain as a teacher, learn from it.

The more a person stands out from the crowd the greater the need to increase the size of the crowd they stand in so you will have to make a greater effort to find your
own kind because you are unique.

Becoming or being singular takes work and it is scary losing the protection of the herd, thats why many never do it. This is an illusion because you still belong within the circle of humanity and there is always a new friend around every corner.

The difference between solitude and loneliness is knowing you have a choice.

Think beyond the crossdressing to many of the other attributes and personality characterisitics of those here on the forum and you will notice a high degree
of interest in the arts and the sciences, crossdressing comes out of an active and sensitive mind.

If you pursue or develop your own artistic interests you will find friendships with people who are more likely to accept your crossdressing and may even share in it.

I would let go of making comparisons between yourself and others as a measure of your own success and maturity because success has little to do with material accomplishment and everything to do with spiritual accomplishment which is the relationship you have with yourself at the end of your life.

You leave life only with what you carry inside not what you carry on your back.

This comes from being open and curious and wading into life like you would the ocean. Closing your mind with opinions shrinks your world so keep your mind open
to learning and you will continue to live instead of being one of the walking dead.

Throw away many of your false beliefs (concepts), "late start in life" "I'm about 21" ect.. These are all beliefs as a measurement in relation to others and doing this will stop you from finding your own personal path to walk in life because they are building a concept of " I'm failing at life"

The only way to fail at life is to be indifferent to it's sanctity.

Life is precious, go out and experience it in whatever way moves you personally and forget about whether you are a failure in relationship to others, be a success in relationship to yourself and this can not happen if you continue to make comparisons.

Life is not a win or lose race with others but an extremely personal adventure.

Travel is an excellant way to discover yourself through others in my opinion.

This was a great read. Thank you.

[Lady Panda]

One thing i can say is eventhough alot of us are seasoned doesn't mean we have nothing to relate to... I have a daughter that is 19 and I relate to her friends very well. We can talk about all kinds of silly things and serious ones too Heck my house used to be the house where all the kids used to hang out...the only reason they don't hang out anymore is I moved out of state. Many of them still message me or facebook me all the time..I also have a 31 year old daughter tooo......so don't count us "old Farts " out. Many of us have the philosophy " I may be getting older but I refuse to grow up or get OLD" I am very young at heart.


If you want to talk .... you can message me and bend my ear ....

[sandra-leigh]

"profoundly lonely" describes a lot of my life. Seldom more than two good friends at a time, since... well, ever. But I had my work, but that was a good situation to be lonely too (where if you weren't a PhD, or a drunkard, people mostly didn't talk to you.) My volunteer work is a bit more satisfactory, a lot of respect, and we can banter, but it's also not friends. But at least I can feel "useful".

There is a word that seems appropriate: I am "marginalized". And not just about being trans.

[Eryn]

I can remember that same feeling when I was your age, even though the CD component wasn't strong with me then. I think that it's part of our genetic makeup, something that drives us to get together with others and keep the species going.

That doesn't diminish the hurt, of course, but it does get better with time. I can understand the stress of being disconnected from friends simply because a number was reached and then coming here where the median age is in the 50s. I like Reine' suggestion in post #2 of using the Meeting Place to meet other CDers closer to your own age. I like the forum, but it pales compared to getting together with friends FTF.

[reb.femme]

"profoundly lonely" describes a lot of my life. Seldom more than two good friends at a time, since... well, ever. But I had my work, but that was a good situation to be lonely too (where if you weren't a PhD, or a drunkard, people mostly didn't talk to you.) My volunteer work is a bit more satisfactory, a lot of respect, and we can banter, but it's also not friends. But at least I can feel "useful".

There is a word that seems appropriate: I am "marginalized". And not just about being trans.

Hang on,

My life experience has just been stolen. I like the description 'marginalised'. I have felt this a lot at work, where you either need to be a little snooty (stuck up) or a drinker to be in the in-crowd.

After leaving the forces 20 years ago, I have no friends to speak of any more. Luckily, I have my wife and my family so not to worried to be honest. However, I have been seriously considering ways to make new acquaintances, so I suppose lonely describes me too.

Rebecca x