Been there done that only to go out and buy more than I had before I purged.
Been there done that only to go out and buy more than I had before I purged.
Same here been there and done it Purge that is, now if I feel I need a beak I box it up knowing full well that urge will come back. When it does I still have my clothes fulfill that urge.
Arianna,
Sorry to hear that you're having issues over CD'ing. As you've realized, purging doesn't do anything good. I'd urge you to work on accepting yourself and improving how you feel about being a CD. Try to see the positive aspects of it. I know very well how difficult it can be if your wife isn't on board, and it sounds like maybe you need to address that issue too.
Hang in there!
Carol
My name is Carol.
Thanks so much for all the advice and kind words, girls. It really does mean a lot. I'm not kidding myself, I know it won't last. I've been through it enough before. Like I said, I really just need a break. Obviously, the fact that I'm still on here proves I'm not that far gone! With past purges, I've gone so far as to delete all my photos and every online account and e-mail address, figuring I'd need to make a complete break to have any hope of stopping. Since I know that's not going to happen, I figure might as well let the "virtual me" continue to exist. I've got quite a few pictures that I quite like that I don't want to get rid of!
There are times when I've been very happy with my look, and I think that I was so looking forward to that "rush" you get when a look comes together, that when it didn't really happen this time, it was just like, "well, crap." And yeah...there's other issues at work. Onward and upward!
Alice, it's funny that you mention this, because I've thought about this long and hard.The honest answer is, I just don't know. And I say that because, she is a very open minded and accepting woman, and very kind and caring, and I know she would want me to be happy. However, that still doesn't mean she'd be ok with being married to a guy who wants to wear her clothes! That's quite a leap to make.Originally Posted by Alice B
She's never said anything like, "Oh crossdressers are gross and weird" or "You better never do that, I'd leave you." I guess what it comes down to for me is I'm just scared to take the risk, because I'm afraid of the outcome. I've found many of the "accepting wives" stories on this forum very encouraging, but as soon as I've screwed up the courage, I'll run across several posts about "be careful, you never know" and that's all it takes to scare me out of it again.
What further complicates it for me (and I've told these stories here before, so I apologize if you've heard this already), but she has seen me dressed twice already. Once, the old Halloween trick (Sarah Palin in '08 - natch). Many of us have done that. She was mostly entertained. Then, this past Christmas, I dressed up in this silly, sexy candy cane costume she has, and made her take pictures of me to give to our friends as a joke holiday card. But I went all out, wig (from the Halloween costume), heels, makeup, the whole nine yards. The next day she admitted that she thought it was pretty weird how into it I got with the whole thing, but that was it. She even made a crack when asking if I'd seen one of her bras, because she "knows I like to wear them." I could die when she says things like that! Yet, I could never get the courage to admit, that, "yes, honey. Absolutely. I do like to wear your bras." So that's the missing piece - my wife has seen me dressed like a woman twice, but what she doesn't know if that I really, really, REALLY, enjoy it! The Halloween party was one of the greatest nights of my life! As far as she knows, I was just being weird and silly.
Ah, anyway, I'm going over the same old ground again. What I'm hoping is that this "break" is actually one step backward to reach two steps forward. That's what usually happens. Before I start buying girl stuff to replaces what I purged, I'd like to be doing it with my wife's knowledge and acceptance. Having my own things so readily available made it too easy to just put off the conversation.
Wow, Arianna. So much of what you've written is as if it came from my own keyboard. The purging, the Halloween experience, the fear of coming out. You are truly not alone; I guess I'm not either, which is ultimately the beauty of this place.
I just wanted to chip in on the purging thing to comment that I sometimes think I project blame onto the clothes and everything, as if they all somehow made this situation; as if they are the metaphorical disease instead of what they really are: a symptom.
I'm one of those who see this "condition" as more curse than blessing. I know not everyone sees this the same way; I'm just speaking for myself. If only the cure were as simple as throwing away clothes. But that's just wishful thinking; the fact is that crossdressing is woven into *my* fabric, and as time goes by, I'm learning to accept and sometimes even appreciate that fact.
But sometimes shedding all of that stuff and just throwing it away feels *very* cleansing. I get it.
Yep. Couldnt agree more! Thanks for your comments.
Hi Arianna, I hope that you have a good job to support your purges.
Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......
I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !
If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.
Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!
Don't beat yourself up to much. I have purged many times in the past. The last time was 4 years ago.
Just another man in a dress
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