Well, I did it again. Last week, I was out of town for work and decided to bring my "things" with me to finally get some girl time. I've only ever done this once before (my dressing is usually only when home alone), and the same thing happened last time. I think it's because the out of town dressing takes so much planning and coordination to pull off without anyone in the family finding out that the guilt just becomes overwhelming. It's a grand deception and (only afterwards) I feel just absolutely rotten, and the only thing I can do to calm down and feel "normal" is chuck it all in the Goodwill bin on the way home. I really tried to avoid doing that this time, but I just couldn't see anyway around it.
Luckily for me, it's really not all that much stuff, so it's not a huge loss. A couple pairs of heels that I really liked, a dress that's probably too short to wear in public anyway, and some tights and makeup. Nothing that's irreplaceable. What I think furthered this purge was a general dissatisfaction with the result. After all that planning and stress, it didn't even feel worth it. Sometimes you just look in the mirror and think, "this is ridiculous."
I think, ultimately, I just need a break. CDing takes up so much "mental space" that it begins to intrude on real life. I suppose it would be less stressful if I could just be open about it with my wife, but that topic has been beaten to death in other places here. Maybe one day I'll have the conversation, but for right now, a little vacation is in order. I've been at this long enough not to kid myself into thinking this will actually stick, but sometimes you just have to push the reset button....
Thanks for listening all. It's comforting to know there are others out there who can relate. Hugs!
Arianna