Fighting the urge

[Lorileah]

to purge.

I won't do that, I have too much invested but this has been a "wall" weekend. We all have them, the time when you suddenly say "why the heck do I do this?" Life could be so much easier to walk away.

But we can't. The hard part is living the double life. Having to "be" someone sometimes just "because".

The question always arises "why do you do this?" Like we choose to be ostracized get those side long glances and even the pretend acceptance. Why would anyone choose to be a part of a minority. If you had the choice would you not go with the flow? Yeah we love the roller coaster ride. How we are riding high one day, then crashing to earth the next. I take it with the territory.

But this has been a week where (and it isn't only the TG part...it is a myriad of of "life things" like finding out your good friend has cancer and the reality that you are now alone for sure because the house sold and your last physical link to the one you love is now gone.

So remind me again, Why the H*ll do we do this?

[erica12b]

We like it we have fun doing it, and it is part of us, it drives us nut, and makes us do stupid things , we can not stop, being human so get over it or just put yor toys away for now , maybe in a week or a month you will want to come out and play again . There the mothering side of erica has said her thoughts and thats that .


How many times have you helped me when i was down, now its my turn ,

[NathalieX66]

Lorileah,

Can't

Won't

Will not.

I am what I am......it will never go away.

Peace & love, darling.
Hugs,
Nathalie

[erica12b]

Someone told me once that if your going the hit a wall with your head, eather have a hard head, or find a soft spot on the wall, was the best advice i ever got , that and where to buy stock for aspirin , i was taking, hope that helps dear,


I just pop in out of the blue and spout old quotes , after never looking in for months, ill just shut up now and go back to my chair ( in the closet ) and there is no room for you in here, so dont ask ok

[Jane-C]

Hi

I purged once in a big way, had a girlfriend at the time that knew about Jane but wasn’t exactly thrilled by her. So I packed up all my stuff into 2 large boxes and forced them into the wheelie bins at the flats we were staying in at the time. Girlfriend long gone but what I miss most was a Penny Lane (from London) red stretch dress with black fishnet sleeves. That was about 10 years ago and I still kick myself for getting rid of that dress. I have told myself that if I ever feel the need to purge again I’ll pack everything up but put it into storage somewhere.



Jane

[Persephone]

Lorileah,

I can see where the pain and stress of what is going on in your life can make you question yourself. Right now I too have a dear friend who is undergoing treatment for cancer and her mother passed away yesterday.

But you are one of the women I look up to around here. I always enjoy your posts and look forward to them. Rain, even hard rain and hail, sometimes falls in our lives but we need to find ways to cry, to howl, to deal with our pain without hurting ourselves.

We do this because it is in our core, it is a vital part of who we are, and most often it makes us better, not worse, stronger, not weaker, and often more caring, not less so. It may be that our essential womanhood, our feminine side, is what makes the difficulties seem more intense, but we need to be woman enough to deal with them.

Please consider storing your stuff rather than "purging." If you feel the same way in 30 or 60 or 90 days you can always purge then.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Cynthia Anne]

I hate that wall as much as anyone! I have patched it many of times! Might as well move on and enjoy life as much as possible because some things were meant to be! Hugs!

[Shari]

For what it's worth, I just went through a similar time.
This morning the problems are pretty much behind me and I'm once again dressed in my fineries and loving the feelings it gives me.
Time does heal.
Go slow and don't do anything rash.

[Jolene Robertson]

Lorileah, You have been an inspiration to many of us (all be it without really knowing it). I'm sorry to hear about your friend. You are a strong person and will come out the other end just fine, keep your chin up. We all do this because it is who we are and know we can't change it, it makes us complete and at peace with the world.
One of mt favorite sayings "if want to hear God laugh, just tell him your plans".

Hugs
Jolene

[Georgia Rose]

We do it and keep doing it because it is a vital part of who we are. Sorry to hear about your friend. I've just had a bit of a big downer at work but that pales into insignificance when someones life is at risk. Hang in there and it will turn out ok. Disaster only happens when we make rash decisions that are not aligned with our long-term best interest.

[Raychel]

I am so sorry for your troubled times, We all go thru them, It can be very difficult. It is all a part of this thing we call life. Do the best to make today a happy day. nd for me part of making me happy is dressing in womens clothes. That is the way i is, The wall that frustrate me the wall that frustrates me the most is really the closet door.

I hope and pray your days get better soon.

[Jennifer Cox]

Sorry to hear about your friend Lori.

Why do we do this? You said it yourself - we have to and we can't walkaway. Would make life so much easier if we could, although perhaps less 'interesting'.

Like others have said, if you feel the need to purge, then just pack your stuff away somewhere. It's too damn expensive replacing it all again when the 'Pink Fog' returns.

Jen x

[Marleena]

Life can seem like a big test at times Lorileah. Sorry to hear about your friend and the home. I'm sure you'll pass the test with friends you have here and in the real world. I enjoy reading about your stories while you're out. You have inspired many others with your strength and courage. Just chill for a while and things will become clearer. Being TG makes us question ourselves during times of stress. I know you enjoy being a girl.

[Cheryl T]

We do it because it's WHO we are....

[Kaz]

Hi Lorileah,

Just adding my support too. Sorry you are going through some hard times; I've been there too and whenever I've been down you've been an inspiration to me. We know why we do it really and we know the pull will come back. Sounds like you need some breathing space.

[cassandra54]

Hell, if I looked as good as you, I wouldn't question it, but I think I know what you mean. I work pretty hard in my job and some days, the energy just isn't there to do much of anything after work. Some nights and weekends, there are things to do that I can only do in guy mode. And life and it's challenges always get in the way. And yeah, I think about why I am doing this. I think of all the money and time I spent and think of what I could have done with either.

I have to work hard at it sometimes. To come home from work, get showered and dressed sometimes takes a big effort, and sometimes I don't see the point. But when I do get dressed, I feel better.

It's not always this magical feeling. It's not always full makeup a dress and hose. But I think part of being my female self part-time is just experiencing life as a woman in a normal way. Real women don't always dress like they're going out for the evening. Sometimes it's just shorts and a tank top, yoga pants, but it's always at least nice and enjoyable when I get to that point.

As far as being someone "just because", I don't feel that way. I enjoy my guy life and everything it has to offer, even though I know I am not the "alpha male", I just enjoy being who I am. And I always know that if I don't get to dress one day, because something comes up or I'm too tired, there's always tomorrow.

Keep on keeping on Lorileah, because it seems like you are "out' to a lot more people than I am. For me, so far it's just my SO.

[Kate Simmons]

It's really a part of who we are and how we express that. I know how you are feeling as I've recently put it on the shelf myself. I have a new GG GF and while I have told her all about it and she has no problem with it, I'm wanting to experience the relationship feeling as a man does. It has stirred up all kinds of physiological effects as well. She is not telling me not to do it but I'm choosing not to. This will show me what I am really made of, however. Take care my friend.

[PretzelGirl]

I think the question should be "Why we don't do it". Life has its twists and turns. You have thoughts of loved ones that you can no longer physically hold. That is likely a stronger internal feeling than what we do. So you take time away from everything else and mentally hold her once again. Sometimes our friends are ill and need our support. That easily is more important than what we do. So it isn't about why we do this but just realizing there is more to life and there are many things that are more important. When things settle down and the time is right, this takes its place at or near the top of the list again.

[Annaliese2010]

Kinda outta boredom? IDK...usually too much work & time for me to lately. So I don't.

[Beverley Sims]

The urge to purge generally is what I think you are talking about.
Your rollerc oaster is on the down at the moment and you need a lift to get it up.
Big things , your friend, the house going all help a depressed state.
Cancer is a mean thing and so cruel all around.
I hope the prognosis for your friend is good and the house link should repair itself after time.
Have a look around, take a deep breath and say it could be worse it could be raining.
Look for the sunshine tomorrow Lorileah and pick all the positives that will come your way.
All the best,
Beverley

[TeresaL]

I asked my GP several years ago, and he told me that he was born with asthma.

[STACY B]

Get up an go out the door an go fishing or do something ,,,Dont sweat all this crap ,,Get your mind off it for a while . But for gods sakes dont do nothing CRAZY ,,, Wayyyyyyy to much invested to go overboard an PURGE !

[Contessa]

Lori

I sense that there maybe a disturbance in the force. I wouldn't want you to go away and sounds like no one else here does either. We all are sorry about your friend, but others have had cancer and beaten it too. We would miss Lorileah, and wonder where she has gone. I (we) only know Lorileah. I don't know the guy person who would be there in your place.

I have found that once you turn this on, you can't turn it off. I am not going to try cause it will lead to depression and that is not a good place to be either. Sorry what will I do, we, I will miss you and how will I find out how your friend is doing. I am sad Lori, purging has not changed anything for anyone of us. If any of you are thinking of trying this then don't tell me I am quite sensitive as a girl might be. I can't tlk about this anymore. Don't go Lori.

Tess

[Jonianne]

Lorileah, you know what I am finding out now that it's been over a year since my Angel passed? The first year everything was surreal, kind of dreamstate. Now my grief sometimes feels deeper. Not as often, but much deeper in my missing her. I know she can never be replaced and I know things can never be the same. That really hits home going into my second year. I know the loss you have had and the suffering of others in your life are overwhelming, numbing out anything but the pain you feel.

But, I believe life makes a way, no matter what. Hang in there friend and just keep sharing your heart, knowing that there are still mountain tops in your life that will make it all worthwhile when you finally get out of the valley of depression.

[ArleneRaquel]

I believe that we do it because its in our DNA. At this stage of my life purging is out of the question.

Hugs@Lorileah