I want to be a man but I also want to be with men?

[Rianna Humble]

Hiya Ankipan, to the crossdressers.com family!

I don't think that there is any contradiction between you being a man and wanting to be with men.

If I have understood, your dilemma comes from wanting to be with a man who wants to be with a woman, is that right?

On the other side (the MtF) there are a number of people who are bi-gender or who are gender fluid, do you think this could be where you are?

Despite what someone has posted, not all MtF transsexuals (which is what I am) believe you have to have full Gender Confirmation Surgery to live in your true gender. It is up to you to find the right balance, not up to someone else to impose it on you.

Parents can also surprise us in a positive way. Have you thought about just sharing with them that you are not comfortable in your gender but are not sure just yet where you want to end up? Do you think they would be supportive of your exploration?

[Jana]

she said she'd rather have me be a lesbian than a cross-dresser.

Whoa! Stop the presses! Sometimes parents can be so obnoxiously overbearing... I know it's not easy coming out, especially when a parent dishes out that kind of cr@p. However, I'm sorry to say, your mother will have to manage her expectations. You are not responsible for that, plus, it's not like you got a choice on this... like "I'm going be XYZ because mom would be embarassed otherwise". If she's bissexual, she should know better that people are what they are, period. You deserve acceptance REGARDLESS of her "preference". If she brings it out again while you guys talk, turn the tables on her. Tell her you rather have her not be bissexual, you know? I'm not saying you should be (too) confrontational. It's just about giving her the opportunity to understand your point of view, from her own perspective.

Best of luck!

[Kaz]

Hi Ankipan and welcome to our community. You are a getting a lot of input from MtF people because they share the issues of your situation... there are times when MtF and FtM have similar issues, and isn't it great to share them?

You are relatively young and with no disrespect at all sitting back and reflecting is indeed a good thing... Rome was not built in a day!

Your mother is just fitting things to her mental model and sadly CDing or TSing is not in that model. My wife once said that she would prefer it if I were gay... she could deal with that!

I am male, well old, wish I was a woman (and wish I had been born twenty years ago), would like to be admired by men and fantasise about that a lot (as in me being female), but simply aren't attracted to them physically... I love women... probably a bit too much!

You are in a great community here... and you have touched both sides - FtM and MtF... Thank you for making me think more deeply today.. I just hope we can help you too!

[angpai30]

In my own personal experience with such things I have found that the best way to feel good about yourself is to be honest with yourself and everyone else around you. If you feel like a boy and want to be a boy physically do as all the lovely ladies before me has suggested ask for help or guidance from some of the other forum members here and maybe even google transgender therapists. Love google!! If you're parents are already supportive of you and want you to be happy they will listen to you and ask questions if anything concerns them. But, initially I think they will still be supportive of you no matter what decision you make. There are many people who can't afford that luxurry on this forum because their parents would disown them or do something far worse than just disown them. So my advice is use what you have while you have it or you will never have another chance to use what you already had when you no longer have it.

Angela

[mistunderstood]

There are different levels of acceptance and there also is levels of grief to. My girlfriend was mad about me being FTM but after 5 years we are able to discuss this issue with out fighting. Now we do have problems but we are working on them. About the grief. Parents have hopes an dreams for there children and being LGBT is not one of them. Do not get me wrong. Be who you want to be but think of the grief they go through to. Keep the lines of communication open. Keep telling them who you are and find answers to any questions they have. They will have a lot of miss information in there head and you might need to change that for them. If you can find support meeting like P-Flag. P-Flag has meeting for both you and your loved ones.

[Angela Campbell]

I can understand. I am a genetic male but a female by gender, I am attracted to the female form. I really do not care what is under the skirt. I am not at all attracted to a male presentation as well no matter what is in the pants. It is confusing to some.

[Julian]

I was born biologically female but I believe I am male. I want facial hair and a flat chest and a deep voice and I want to dress in men's clothes and be called 'sir' and 'he' but I also am attracted to men. I like being in heterosexual relationships with men and don't like being in heterosexual relationships with women. It's like my gender is Male but my sexuality is Heterosexual Female. Can anyone make any sense of this? I mean, there have been other people like me right? I'm afraid to go for surgery because I'm scared I'll regret it when the time comes I want a post-op relationship. I like cross-dressing but it never seems like enough. What should I do? And how should I break this to my parents? My parents have always been accepting of me (my mom's even bisexual herself) but I'm worried they won't understand something as complex as this...

Another gay trans guy here. I was also in a lot of relationships as a heterosexual female. It took me a long time to sort out how I feel about my body, and some days I'm not even sure I'm not bigender or something like that. Nevertheless, you can still be whatever gender you want with or without a flat chest. And you can date whoever you want (with their permission of course) with or without a flat chest. And being a gay or bi trans guy isn't uncommon. You're in good company. :-)

I just saw a play where a lesbian describes her constant struggle with being misgendered, despite her obvious and prominent breasts. And there are plenty of men who wear breast forms for drag, or who get breast implants. So having breasts doesn't make you less of a man, if that's what you decide you are. And getting top surgery won't automatically get people to gender you correctly, either.

Here's a little thought experiment: Would you be more okay with which of the following trade offs:
1) Having a flat, male chest and some nice pectoral muscles, but forever be called 'she', (it's confusing because I'd still be dating gay and bi guys, but let's just ignore that for the sake of the experiment)
2) Being called 'he' 100% of the time, but never be able to have a flat chest.

I think I'd probably go with option #1. But that's because while I was having a lot of social dysphoria being seen as a woman and dating as a woman, I found out that more of my dysphoria had to do with my body. Ideally, of course, I'd have a flat chest and no one would call me 'she'. Ughh I just want to feel a shirt against my chest again.

Hope that helps.

[Julian]

Just out of curiosity would you ever consider being in a relationship with a male crossdresser? Speaking for myself I have found that I sometimes feel I want to be with a man when I am presenting as female. Sorry if it's a bit bold of me asking this, I'm just curious to see if you are coming from the opposite side of the spectrum to where I am

Hi Kimberly,

You make a really good point. Who is ever really 100% sure of anything?
I wanted to answer your question about being in a relationship with a male cross dresser.
I consider myself a male cross dresser, because I am male (well, trans male but still) but I like to dress up like a girl sometimes. It's hot! I've made out with other male cross dressers/drag queens, and it's really hot if that's your thing. I think it's called a kai kai? Anyway I really like other men who are bigender/genderfluid/CD. I just feel like we have a lot to relate on. And to me there is nothing more masculine than being so manly that you are confident enough to cross dress.
At least that's how I see it.