Accepting Yourself

[jenny76]

I feel lately I still can't accept myself. When I'm writing on here, it seems easy. But in everyday life, its the opposite. Its like I can't allow myself to figure things out fully. I know I'm bisexual and have a strong desire to be feminine, but the more I think about any of it the more I want to hold back. Does this ever happen to anyone?

Sometimes I start to blame the people in my life. I know they didn't do anything wrong, but when I'm around my guy friends, I can get uncomfortable and sometimes I think too much on what to say..they might even get weird-ed out, which is like a brief nightmare when that happens.... Then theres my ex-girlfriend, who I was very loyal to for years. I still talk to her on the phone and see her once in a blue moon, so my therapist suggested I tell her about my TG-side and she could maybe become a good friend for me at the very least. I don't have any gal-friends, so I thought it was a good idea. But thats been a mixed bag so far. Sometimes she'll seem supportive and sometimes she gets quiet. Even pissy, if I start to wonder why. So I just back off. She said she's had a TG friend in the past and they got along great, so that just makes me feel worse... My living situation also. I live with my Mom, Dad, and Brother and have to hide everything from them. All this makes me want to run the other way and stop embracing myself immediately. I feel like my therapist is my only safe haven right now and that its not enough.. I'm glad I at least have that, but does anyone else get stuck like this?

[kimdl93]

IMHO, instead of a safe haven, you need to get started on your own, independent life. I don't know how old you are, but I'm guessing that you're fairly young. At some point we all need to stand on our own two feet. Once you can do that, you can start building a more complete and personally satisfying life. And my second comment is that you don't need to be in such a rush to find all the answers in your life. Sometimes, there aren't concrete answers - only options. You choose what feels right, go with it. It it works...wonderful. If not, do something else.

[Alice Torn]

Though i am 58, i can sure relate! Have felt like a secret agent, in a strange country. Isolation, not close to anyone, also go to VA therapist who accepts it totally, but no one else. Still having to deal with older brother and father and older sister, who all are single, and i don't dare let them know, as they think of me as little brother, and don't respect me anyway! No one in my family ever grew up, none ever changed, none matured. It is a living hell at times. I have not had a girlfriend for decades. A loner is what i mostly am, and my only friends are 2000 mile away. If i opened up to most of them, they would not like it at all. Only three friends now, and one of them, an 80 yr old lady, i just sent many photos of Alice! Now, i hear she sent some to another older lady i know does not approve! One day at a time, as a secret agent!!

[Karren H]

Funny but that reminds me of an old Jerry Springer show where a couple girls ex-boy friends came out as tg... didn't go well... so you can tell her just done get Jerry Springer involved...

[jenny76]

IMHO, instead of a safe haven, you need to get started on your own, independent life. I don't know how old you are, but I'm guessing that you're fairly young. At some point we all need to stand on our own two feet. Once you can do that, you can start building a more complete and personally satisfying life. And my second comment is that you don't need to be in such a rush to find all the answers in your life. Sometimes, there aren't concrete answers - only options. You choose what feels right, go with it. It it works...wonderful. If not, do something else.

well I'm 36. I've always wanted to be independent, but I've stumbled along the way. I'm hoping for a breakthrough, and I've felt the need to rush lately. Your right, maybe I shouldn't look so hard and go more on feel, but I think I can't fully do that until I move out

One day at a time, as a secret agent!!

Thank you. I'm gonna try this mentality lol .. but sometimes I don't want to be a loner anymore. It also stinks how immature family members can make things so tough, but I guess that happens to everyone on some level. My brother once told me out of the blue, that he doesn't understand TG people and thinks they are selfish and indulgent - which I can't even describe how stuck that makes me feel

Funny but that reminds me of an old Jerry Springer show where a couple girls ex-boy friends came out as tg... didn't go well... so you can tell her just done get Jerry Springer involved...

lol i will, or maybe not haha.. I wonder if I screwed up our friendship by not telling her much sooner. I wish I could have

[kimdl93]

Believe me, 36 is young. And many of us, myself included, have stumbled along the way. Get your feet back beneath you and even if its a bit of a struggle, try to get a small place of your own. Nothing will be better than the feeling of renewed independence. For an additonal 2 cents worth, please don't retreat into a solitary existence. Whether you stay in your parents home a while longer or get out on your own again, please get out and do things with other people. Join some groups, make friends, make a contribution to your community in some manner. Each step will help you build your new and more fulfilling life.

[Marleena]

IDK there are two choices. You can keep beating yourself up over being TG which is not your fault or accept and move on and use that energy on other things moving forward. I chose to move forward.

[Princess_Andria]

Self acceptance is $%@! i have come to accept myself but only through my partner was i able to achieve that, i went down a slippery slope, i'm in a similar situation i still live at home and with an older brother and the ammount of times i've purged stuff and came to hating myself and everyone around me because of my denial. Don't let it get to that stage because its very easy to do. My advice for telling people is test it, don't just dive right in. Most of people i've told have come to know through different ways, like seeing a picture of me en femme and then asking about it after. And a great way to build your confidence in telling people is by telling strangers. Chat rooms is where i started and i found my method and that was in my teen years, very few guys i know know i'm a CD but i've told and met plenty of girls online and offline and have had many suppoting people be there for me. I do question it from time to time when i look from another persons perspective but i've never looked back and i'm happier then ever. This is something you will have to do in your own time Jenny and i hope it happens sooner then later. I do have more in depth advice about telling people on my blog which talks about using humor as a technique. Hope this helps

[KellyJameson]

Other people can stop you from finding your own voice (knowing who you are and what you really want)

If you are in a position where others have to much control (negative influence) over you the first step is to change your life so you are free from the destructive
affects of who you may be associating with.

This in my opinion is the most difficult step to make.

When you are free from the fear of what others may do to you than you can start taking risks in other areas of your life such as exploring your sexuality.

Becoming safe is a process of taking small steps toward freedom from others and mastery over and of your own life.

You are not yet in a place where you fully own yourself so you are having doubts.

Try to avoid becoming emotionally dependant on only one person for companionship or advice because this make the person to important and you will either suffocate them or they will abuse the power you have given them.

Move out into the world, do not lock yourself away from it.

Take chances and learn not to give to much importance on allowing others to decide your worth as a human being.

Remember to protect your privacy and only give to those what they deserve, your friends do not need to know about your sexuality if you think they will become rejecting.

Most people do not want to hear other peoples truths when those truths make them uncomfortable and it is natural to protect yourself from this.

Rejection and judgement will lose there power to hurt you as you move away from the need for acceptance to be able to accept yourself, you are making your love for yourself dependant on being loved from others and you must stop this if you are going to be free to become the person you are searching for.

[bridget thronton]

Part of acceptance is believing you aren't doing anything wrong

[natacsha]

I feel lately I still can't accept myself. When I'm writing on here, it seems easy. But in everyday life, its the opposite. Its like I can't allow myself to figure things out fully. I know I'm bisexual and have a strong desire to be feminine, but the more I think about any of it the more I want to hold back. Does this ever happen to anyone?

Hi Jenny Seems exactly like where I was only a few months ago...for umpteen amount of years, purging, denying, shame, guilt, all of it....and the worst is the fear was knowing that accepting myself was gonna open another side of me that I know I was gonna love and be happy with...moreso than I do as a man..and I'm actually a pretty happy go lucky kinda guy. But I couldn't deal with it anymore. Living like I couldn't accept myself. I did something about it. finally. started opening up to my friends and some family over the last few months and did so carefully so as not to SHOCK the hell outta them. No one has rejected me and it's been the most unbelievable feeling to know that they are all on board...maybe with one exception but that is futile compared to the rest. Is accepting yourself gonna lead to a perfect world?? NO. But you will understand Your world much better and find it easier to pass through walls without getting stuck in between them. This has been my reality and living with my family is the biggest hurdle to overcome and simultaneously the most important one. Though they've known about me dressing for over 15 years, they are soon gonna find out exactly what my intentions are of living more as a female than male for the next year or two and then the possibility of transitioning if I can find that my life as a girl is as capable and better than my life as a man.

Keep a positive attitude
don't beat yourself up
there are good days and bad days for everyone
don't let the excitement of the moment dictate your life
....and in my most humble and honestly real opinion DO NOT HATE YOUR MALE SIDE (you are the same person (heart, mind and soul) in either form. embrace both and then see which you like better)

I'm here if you need a friend XOXOXO

[elizabethamy]

jenny,

i totally get what you are saying. it's one thing to know in your heart that nothing is "wrong," yet when you live your male life all day it's obvious that what you truly are and how you truly feel doesn't fit with the world around you...so of course it's hard to accept yourself. I'm not there yet but I gather from others that acceptance can't be forced but will come eventually. Be strong as you can!

elizabethamy

[Kaz]

36 and still living at home...? Get out of there! You need to understand who you are... xx

[Barbara Ella]

Jenny, at 36 you are still young. I am 65, and realized my lot in life only one year ago. I too have the feelings of accepting myself, and it runs from the male side to the female side depending on.....something, if I could figure that out we could all be happy. Sometimes i have to believe that we overthink it and this acts as a brake on our system. I try to live in the day and not worry about what is coming, and what I will be. Because what I, or you, will be is set and thinking about it or planning it out just won't make anything change. The thinking is what gets us in trouble with those around us, as our thoughts expand to include them in our little play in our mind, and who better to blame than someone else, especially when no one is to blame, we are just who we are, and we are going to be who we are going to be.

you may need a change of life, and I hope you can arrange that. I feel that will help. For now, let each day pass,and dont think about it. You are a wonderful person as you are, so no worry.

Barbara

[Amy R Lynn]

Jenny, I recently came to the realization that this was something that I no longer desired to repress (four months ago!). I am a single father with custody of my children. They live with me full time. So I can't dress when I would like to. I have only ever dressed in the confines of my room. I'm hoping to get out someday though.

My sugesstion for you is to hook up with a support group. I'm not sure where you live, but there are CD support groups all over the US. There is a local one here in NE Ohio calle the Alpha Omega. There is the Tri-Ess group on the west coast. If you connect with one of these groups you can make some new friends. They also will give you an outlet for a place to go and dress! I have yet to go to one of the meetings here, but I have been told that they offer a dressing room! I think it would be a wonderful place to go out in public for the first time.

You also need to get a place of your own. I know that life throws curve balls at you from time to time, and living arrangments are not always what you would like. Getting your own place would be very liberating. Take it one step at a time.

[kristinacd55]

I know exactly how you feel Jenny, cause I've been there too. It is great that you have your therapist, it's got to be a Godsend. For me, I have another very close TG friend who's currently on hormones and she's really been my therapist for the past 5 months with the stuff I've been through. I think I've likewise helped her as well, so communicating with someone is SOOOO important! As Amy said, getting your own place would be a huge help for you too to help discover yourself. I joined a Meetup group in November of 2010 and that's where I've met a lot of great friends, don't know if they have any nearby you but check out meetup.com too.

[Beverley Sims]

Well first of all get yourself your own place, less restrictions, this opens up a whole new world for you and you can spread your wings and make a wider circle of friends.
Do not abandon your old ones just take note of how you interact with them. with them you are probably a man's man, but making new friends you can let your softer side come out a little. This helps develop a different personality. No you don't have to turn gay but there are a lot of softer type males in this group.
Associate and make friends with them but don't let them pat you on the bum.

[sterling12]

I think you probably have some subconscious fears about Change. Understand that virtually everybody feels that way, most all people fear The Unknown. I also sense that you have some problems with self-esteem. Most people do! If only temporarily, they have self-doubt, and tend to spend more time with their fears, rather than flying to far off lands on Ego Trips.

So, your on a Journey, with lots of Bumps along The Way. You'll have lots of fears, and lots of self-doubt. And, accepting yourself doesn't mean that you become some sort of "Superior Person." I believe It means in your case, "I accept that I am on a Journey of self-discovery, and even with all my doubts and fears, I accept that I am who I am for right now, and will finally reach some sort of End Result to become The Person I will be."

Now, does that simplify things? You don't have to have some sort of "Eureka Moment" of blinding clarity. You can go forwards, backwards or take three steps to The Side. Nobody expects you to start talking in tongues, and declare you have all the answers. You are not going to become "Uber-Transgendered" with Self-Acceptance. Usually, You keep discovering until The Day you die. It's a lot easier if you don't fret about it, looking for ultimate answers along The Way.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Vickie_CDTV]

Jenny, I can relate, I was in a similar situation in my 20s (I hope your living situation is at least civil, in my case there was constant conflict almost all hours of the day.) I am an introvert too, and it is hard for me to meet new people and make new friends; it has been especially very difficult to find a partner. As far as telling your ex-girlfriend, unless you broke up on very good terms, I would think twice before telling her. If she has anything against you, it could be used as a weapon. Be careful.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jenny, Face it , It's who you are and it's what you do.

[Angela Campbell]

I think the hardest part for me is the dishonesty. I have always been very honest and live my life that way except for my crossdressing. I have been forced to hide this from my friends and family because it would cause too much distress in my families life. I have to live with who - what I am but my family does not deserve to have to deal with something they could never be prepared for. It would not be fair to them.

Learning that someone you love is not who or what you always thought they were can be devastating. I know. In my first marriage ther were times when I knew something was wrong. I thought it was my fault until My wife (at the time no longer together now) confessed to me she had been sexually abused as a child by her father for many years. It explained a lot about her behaviours but it really shook my world. It took me a long time to get over that. Now I see what telling something to loved ones can do to them. It would forever change the world for my Mother, or daughters or my son if they new. Theif image of "dad" would forever be altered for them and that is not something I have the right to do.

So....I have to be dishonest and carefully hide what I do from them forever. Dishonesty and lies to protect others....does that make it less of a sin?

[UNDERDRESSER]

Part of acceptance is believing you aren't doing anything wrong

Oh, so true. I'm 56, and it is only in the last year or so, mostly because of this forum that I've even faced what I do and why. I'm not completely there yet, but telling my friend [ Now GF! ] and her instant acceptance went a huge way towards it.

[Stephanie47]

At almost any age a person can doubt who they are. It does not have to be cross dressing. It does take some self examination of life to make changes for the future. Self acceptance is the key to feeling somewhat ok with anything you do. It is totally normal for a MTF cross dresser to doubt himself. Society has set parameters and we violate them. Cross dressing can also cause angst for others. How will a wife and the kids see their husband or father. Almostalady has valid points.

If you want to explore yourself, you need your own place to live. In privacy you can reflect without hostile surroundings. To some extent, if members of your family already know, that's one less stress to worry about. Being single you do not have to worry about a wife. You have a clean slate to develop who you want to become. Don't let others control you.

[docrobbysherry]

I think Kim is RITE!

IMHO, instead of a safe haven, you need to get started on your own, independent life. I don't know how old you are, but I'm guessing that you're fairly young. At some point we all need to stand on our own two feet. Once you can do that, you can start building a more complete and personally satisfying life. And my second comment is that you don't need to be in such a rush to find all the answers in your life. Sometimes, there aren't concrete answers - only options. You choose what feels right, go with it. It it works...wonderful. If not, do something else.

Altho I have my own "CD acceptance" issues, none r similar to yours! I identify with u in other ways, tho. When I was your age, I had SO MANY ISSUES! Until I moved out and made what I considered a success of my life! Independent of my family and friends! None of my early issues had anything to do with dressing. As I didn't start until age 50!

[jenny76]

thanks for all the great advice! I suppose I have a long way to go. I live in Ny. high rent, and my job is unstable. yea, theres conflict where I live.. I've always dreamt of moving to another town or state, so who knows. maybe someday. You all are re-affirming that i gotta keep moving. and I hope I can get out on my own. Its good to see i'm not always alone with these types of struggles, hence, not as crazy as I thought lol