you look like you've been wearing makeup!

[Diane Smith]

So, does this mean I should add some poison ivy extract to my eye makeup kit?

- Diane

[Kathy4ever]

When you did wear some make up did you use hers or do you have your own? If you did use hers then maybe she noticed something different about them. If you have your own then I wold say she was kidding around and is enjoying your denial.

[BillieJoEllen]

Years ago when I started a new job (a very dirty job) I was asked many times if I was wearing eyeliner. I eventually learned how to wash my eyes but that took much practice before I could do it without burning my eyes with soap.

[Amy Fakley]

When you did wear some make up did you use hers or do you have your own? If you did use hers then maybe she noticed something different about them. If you have your own then I wold say she was kidding around and is enjoying your denial.

Oh I have my own. My wife and I have very different skin tones, so hers always looks a little goofy on me.

At this point ... no more mentions of it ... I suspect she was just having a joke, but through the lens of my own issues ... I went into full on paranoia.
thanks everyone for your comments in this thread.
this site is such a wonderful community.

[cathie pantyhose]

best thing for me was leaving those pics on the laptop "accidently". It was a struggle but we made it thru it and although I still go out in public dressed fem because of confidence/trust issues with me dressed fem, I'm relieved she knows and is still with me because we talked it out. It was painful and a lot of crying on both sides. I dont believe she suspects a thing but was playing you because of the rash but your internal guilt/fear is obviously the bigger concern here. You need to have the conversation to liberate yourself or it will eat you up inside

[IngeInCO]

It sounds like you need to have a talk with her soon.

She may not know but she may suspect.

Have a read at the link in my signature on "how to tell your partner"



This might just help you in sorting things out.

I agree this might be the time to talk, whether you like it or not. Hopefully things will go well!

[Angela Campbell]

I disagree about telling her

the comment

"When she's like that there's no rhyme or reason, she just wants to hurt everything around her, with absolutely no concept of the implications ... she is totally utterly in the moment. What she'd do when she gets like that with this knowledge about me ... sure she'd regret it later, but the damage would be done, and irreversible. "

reminds me of my first wife. If she knows about you dressing up it will be the first thing she will go to when upset and it will be disastrous.

[Amy Fakley]

best thing for me was leaving those pics on the laptop "accidently".

That is a gutsy move, my friend!
Not sure it's the right one for me ... but wow ... "accidentally" outing yourself? Holy moley!
oh HAH, I see from the other thread that you're a mountain climber ... clearly fearlessness is your thing

[ABBY_L]

I think a lot of us have had "near misses" on the eye make-up. My wife has made comments on a number of occasions that "it looks like you been wearing mascara or eyeliner"! A couple of times it was legit, but other times I just had bags from being tired. I have usually been able to explain it away and she seems satified. I always wonder if she suspects because of little things she says, but she never has pushed it to the point where I think I been busted and she wants to talk about it. I'm very careful about covering my tracks and, to my knowledge, haven't left any tell tale signs of my CDing. She is pretty open minded about gender issues and I think she would be accepting, but she is dealing with some health issues and I am sensitive to her situation right now and don't want to add anything for her to deal with. So.....Abby is still in the closet and plans to stay there for the immediate future.

[reb.femme]

I don't believe in mind reading, so I don't know that she has any 6th sense about what you're going through or not. But, given the way this is stressing you out, I think you need to get to the point. Maybe even use that episode of teasing as the point of departure for your conversation. but please, prepare yourself for the usual questions by reading Shelly's link to "how to tell your partner".

I quote Kim because I totally agree with the sentiment but would caution with the caveat, "Only you can truly judge the possible outcome of the ultimate CD confession with your wife". The worst case scenario has to be given equal weight against the personal/moral desire to be completely honest. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, as a wiser person than me once said.

Rebecca x

[Avi]

So .... my wife's been out of town for the last week and a half or so. This week of course, coincides with having joined this forum, having a crisis of realization that I need to come out to her eventually, etc.

It's been a big week or so for my femme side, to say the least.

She came home last night, which was wonderful. As much as I love my girly time, it does get a bit lonely after a while. Its great to have her home again, but face to face with her after the week I've had ... I was just nervous as hell. Internally, my mind was racing at the speed of sound, while outwardly I tried my level best to be mister cool ... "oh yeah, just me and the dogs ... playin' video games, jammin' around in the studio ... you know ... guy stuff."

So anyhow it gets to the point where I'm sort of freaking internally, and I have to get a breather, so I'm like "I'm gonna take the dogs for a walk, be back in a minute". So I do ... and one of the furry little *******s gets loose. I gotta chase her back into the woods ... she thinks it's a game.

I don't know what the hell I got into back there. I must have been allergic to something and rubbed my face, because by the time I get home, my eyes are all red and inflamed and it's just not good.

So I get in the shower, and that seems to sort of wash away whatever the issue was but my eyes are still irritated.

I get out of the shower, and my wife says:
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'VE BEEN WEARING EYE MAKEUP!

In that moment, all the blood rushed from my head. I must have been white as a ghost. My mind instantly regressed through every "almost got caught" moment of terror I've had since I was 8. "Oh God, this is happening now. Please no, I'm not ready, I can't explain this ... God ... please ... no no no ... not now" ... over and over and over ... my mind like a megaphone.

I just stand there matter of factly explaining what happened, but she just keeps with it ... "no look, it really looks like not only the redness, but like some black eyeliner that didn't come off" ... at this point ... irony ... I do not wear eyeliner, black or otherwise. She's so wrong, but so almost right at the same time ... "what does she know? how could she know? is she guessing, is this real, is this happening now?" again my mind racing like crazy. I had to put an end to this situation before I lost it completely.

The worst thing is she stuck with it ... kept teasing me all night, and on the one hand ... I wanted so bad to be like "we need to go talk in private, we have some things to discuss". I just want that weight off my shoulders so bad. I cut loose the guilt if not the shame years ago, and I want so badly to cut loose the fear of being discovered by my wife, too.

It's so damn surreal fighting so hard against yourself like this.

There's this wall of panic ... and maybe rightfully so. I have legitimate concerns as to if she's even the kind of person who could handle this (see my introduction thread ... she has developed some of her own issues over the years ... as ... obviously I have too).

I dunno ... thanks for listening ... just wanted to share that story with you all, because ... well .. you ladies are like the only people I can talk to about this, and talking about it with anyone feels good right now, like aloe on a sunburn y'know?

I think you protested too much......
You should have said, "Those dam new makeups are so hard to get off... I had to scrub and scrub..." All with a grin, and it would not be a lie.

It worked for me and the topic was dropped.

[Aylineira]

Good luck with telling your wife (one day). I hope she is accepting and not ... well the latter.

[Mistybtm]

Missed opportunity there you should of asked her (when she asked you if you had make up on) if that would bother her if you did.

[tara t]

for what it's worth, I'm absolutely certain there were zero traces of makeup on my face.
For one thing It'd been about three days since I'd worn any by then ... for another, I'm so damn anal about covering my tracks. Her comments were inside the context of helping me look for the benadryl. She's also a bit of a jokster (when she's in the right mood), so it wasn't completely out of character.

But then again, I mean I could have left other clues, and maybe she was trying to open the door.
In some ways that'd be such a miracle ... it'd mean at least at some level she's ok with it. That may be hoping for too much, and I'm in no hurry to jump to that conclusion.

i got the vibe from your first post that maybe she had seen/noticed something else in the house and was asking because of this .

[Amy Fakley]

hah, wow, this thread is still going!
thanks for all the wonderful responses ... if you've read the whole thread, then you've got a good idea why I'm so hesitant to come out.

As an update ... she did mention it one other time to me ... and I swear to Gawd ... it's had me so paranoid ... I even got the magnifying mirror out ... I do not know what the hell she's talking about, there's nothing on my face!

That of course probably means she is on to something ... either that or she's just messing with me (which she is also known to do). I'll say this, if she does know something, she's being uncharacteristically patient and good-natured about it, which only bodes well (depending I suppose on what it is she thinks she knows). Given how horribly horribly wrong this could go ... I'm just keeping my trap shut for now, unless she gets serious and is like "I need to know what went on last week" ... then of course, I'll come clean (I'll have little choice).

.... because apart from every valid reason I have, there is also the part of me that's always known I'll never come out of this closet unless I'm kicking, screaming, and holding onto the hangars for dear life, LOL.

think it's gonna be ok though, either way.
Feeling a lot better about all this after having talked with all of you about it so deeply.
I've said it so much recently, but why not say it again: this is the most amazing online community I've ever had the pleasure of joining.

[Avi]

Could you have left something out where she saw it? Used tissues in the trash with makeup on them or something?

[Amy Fakley]

Could you have left something out where she saw it? Used tissues in the trash with makeup on them or something?

well I had once prided myself on my track-covering ninja skillz, but lately I'm beginning to doubt them.

For instance ... I love me some bubble bath when it's girly times. This idiot forgot to wash out the tub, leaving a ring. My wife's like "what's that", and I'm like "you ever try the jacuzzi jets after mowing the lawn?" ... which is only partially untrue, because I did force myself to mow the lawn before indulging in the bubbles (once).

if she does know anything, it's sort of a mexican stand off ... "show me your cards and I'll show you mine." I'm really and truly not ready in any way for this conversation to happen and go badly. Totally unprepared for that ... and so ... yes I recognize that the guilt/shame/panic business I've got in my head is tearing me apart, and I also recognize my moral obligation to somehow, eventually come clean, but ... damn ... there's no way I'm doing this now unless I have absolutely no choice in the matter, y'know?

Not that any time would be a good time, but at this point ... I really do think later would be better.
Guess I'll see how it unfolds.

[Angela Campbell]

I would figure just wait and see. If it was me I would say nothing until she point blank asked me then I would tell the truth. But thats just me.

[lauren.h100]

I was also almost at the point of being in physical pain before telling my SO so I know how you feel. The conflict between knowing the honest and right thing to do was to come clean but tempered by my exquisite embarrassment at what (at the time) felt like a shameful mental weakness was crippling. I absolutely do not underestimate the difficulty of your decision and clearly only you are the best judge as to when to open your full self to your wife. However I would like to add one extra consideration to the mix.

You mentioned you had cancer at some point. I don’t know how long ago it occurred or what treatment you had but chronic stress is a known immunosuppressant and can increase the risk of recurrence. If your stress is anything like mine before I told my SO then it’s eating you up, getting in the way of simply enjoying life and possibly setting you up for a return of your cancer. I absolutely do not want to sound like an alarmist, and plenty of people with high-stress lives live to a ripe old age but I think it’s something you should consider.

If you decide not to tell her at least take up yoga or something!

[Chickhe]

I've had stuff like that happen...gets the adreneline going for sure... but if you are just a part time CDer my recommendation is not to tell her (because the words you use will not match her knowledge and she will be expecting a huge change), but instead show her. Pick an occassion like halloween and do a reverse gender costume with her involvement...explain nothing, just do it...it is a costume, that's all. See where that goes. Its a great way to remove the shock and show her its a good time.

[NathalieX66]

I was in for my 8th beard laser beard removal session two month's ago , I'm officialy 10th session down.
Assistant at the laser session says to me " wow! You have really thick eyelashes!"
I chuckled, but in reality, I was out in t before , and I still can't get the mascara off.


For you newbies & lurkers, I am happy .

[Amy Fakley]

You mentioned you had cancer at some point. I don’t know how long ago it occurred or what treatment you had but chronic stress is a known immunosuppressant and can increase the risk of recurrence. If your stress is anything like mine before I told my SO then it’s eating you up, getting in the way of simply enjoying life and possibly setting you up for a return of your cancer. I absolutely do not want to sound like an alarmist, and plenty of people with high-stress lives live to a ripe old age but I think it’s something you should consider.

If you decide not to tell her at least take up yoga or something!

Wow, that is an angle on this that I honestly had not considered until now, thank you! You'll have to pardon my vagueness, but uuuugh ... an episode of cancer is one of those things you get really tired of talking about. It was about two years ago, and the long and short of it: same thing that got Steve Jobs, 'cept they caught mine earlier. It was touch and go for a while, but two years cancer free so far, and I'm gonna take every last day I can get

That was sort of the thing that snapped me out of my denial ... I actually remember being drugged out of my mind in the hospital after the surgery and having this sort of cosmic lightbulb go off ... "dude you know what you've been doing all these years ... just admit it to yourself". It's been a slow process of untangling my own hangups about it ever since.

Thanks for the insight. You're absolutely correct about the stress. Yoga, huh? Might be worth a try.

[krissy]

The only thing bad about her not knowing ,is that the later she finds out the madder she will be or she may totally not want it in her life like my wife of 34 years .she cant stand that i do this .but i cant stop its too much apart of me.i still love her but im 55 getting older miss my dressing dont like sneaking around .but you do what you have to .