Relationships: Dressing or presenting as female - which is harder to handle?

[KlaireLarnia]

Reading a few posts on here (such as Amy R Lynn 's recent post) has got me wondering something...

We all know that telling someone else that you dress in women's clothes is one of the hardest things to do as you can never accurately judge how a person will react initially or after they have had time to think it over.

Some people take it well, are happy and accepting - others have major issues and it causes either major problems or people to split up in the worst cases. What I am wondering is whether the real issue is the dressing itself or that (as it seems with Amy's case) it is the presenting as female that is the issue - or is it both.

I can only look at my own situation where my wife freaked at the start but has come to accept what I do and why I do it - and it has not harmed our marriage or relationship in any way. But as I do not present as female that is something she does not have to deal with. "Klaire" is my second life persona and a name I have given to the other part of my personality - but to everyone I know I am "Rob" (not my real male name), always have been and always will be.

I know there is no real answer to this but it would be interesting to know what others think on this. But it seems to me reading various posts on here that it is the people who present as female who seem to have more.... issues... with relationships. I may be completely wrong here hence my post. I would love it if some GG's would also chip in as they perhaps are the best people to answer this.

Anyone can to express an opinion?

[bridget thronton]

Dressing is easy presenting as a female is hard

[Persephone]

Dressing is easy presenting as a female is hard

Agree!

Hugs,
Persephone.

[karinels]

I honestly think it has to do with the individual who has to decide how to deal with it.
I had a gf years ago who was the first I told about my dressing, and as soon as I mentioned it, she was making plans to take me shopping. Things were good for about six years, then i think it took its toll on her. She recluded from me, and nit picked her way apart. We had been seeing each other about a year when i told her, and i did have issues with sex unless i was dressed.

I am seeing a girl now that I told upfront, before I even considered hanging around with her that I dressed, was unsure of my sexuality, and had no desire to get into a steady relationship. We are going through a time right now that she says is not related to the dressing, but after a year, she has only seen me dressed twice, and the second was under stressful circumstances.
She says it doesn't matter what one wears underneath. I keep reminding her I do not want to just wear it underneath. I want to pass when i want to pass.

I feel both the girls have ego issues that are keeping them from achieving true happiness. I love the dedication of the girl I'm seeing now, but loved the dedication to the dressing of the girl before. Who is to say what is right? Each and all have their lives to defend. Note to all though, the the girl I told first did admit to me that she would probably try a relationship with another woman. The girl I am seeing now has never even suggested that.

Again, to each their own.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Dressing is one thing & even family would accept that with out to much of a issue ,
i spos you can say i present as a female because i am born that way. yet that is harder for family members to accept , im not talking about trans ether, just my difference .

When we told family members i was told if i was a dresser they would accept that. when they knew & we talked about my being female as well as male oh dear that changes things very quickly , because how your seen & accepted changes thier perception.

My self i accepted who & what i was at age 10 never had any issues , i will say we have 90% acceptance just one son & his wife are finding it hard, so even though im a female / woman i do accomadate them so to not push my self on them as that would break what relastionship we do have i just dress more in a male sence though i dont have male clothes at all ,

so its just shorts a tee ,summer or bean'e hat & sneakers with out my lippy & girl'e things ,so what, its okay im still a woman just i dont have to wear my skirts & be dressed in my normal wear,

& to top it off my women friends think what i wear is great so iv passed my pears input as to clothes,

As to other family members pretty well accepted with out hassle though you have to remember im still thier father no matter what even though im intersexed,

Jos, after being to gether for 37 years , married 34, has accepted im just a woman , we do the same things go see our Kaylyn & her tribe of 4 every week & do spend time to gether doing many things & with 9 grandkids, for now Jos & i live apart though does not stop us being close to each other. fact is she likes me staying with her lots just i have pets to look after ( our's ) so i come home for them. & yes its our home.

...noeleena...

[Allsteamedup]

Firstly, I am delighted that you appreciate there is a difference between dressing, and presenting as female!

That said, the problems that ensue require further appreciation and working through, and the effort to achieve that appears to be an inconvenience for many cders. This is infuriating to GGs who are already making an effort to come to terms with their SO's presentation; when you already have girlfriends having your SO turn into another is not always a bonus!

Yet the onus for the difficulties is laid at the GGs door! She's the one who is supposed to change the way she thinks! But thanks for understanding the difference in the problem.

[linda allen]

I'm not sure I understand the difference between dressing as a female and presenting as a female unless "dressing" is just putting on the clothes but not shaving, etc.

As for relationships, they are far more complicated than can be put into a forum post and I doubt any of us are qualified to define relationships anyway. I'm not sure people who think they are qualified really are.

So - My wife is becoming more comfortable with me wearing women's clothing and jewelry and breast forms, but she would not be comfortable with me letting anyone else know, leaving the house dressed, etc. And she would not be comfortable with me doing things that would hint of my crossdressing such as shaving my legs.

We still love each other and say it to each other several times a day.

[JeanneF]

I'll add another dressing is easy, presenting as female is hard to the chorus.

My wife and I have had this discussion many, many times. She's enthusiastic about dressing and even sometimes going out dressed. She's still not sure how she would handle if I wanted to present as a female full time. She did the "Lesbian until Graduation" thing, but she has made her feelings known that she does like me to be a guy. She claims that she would be okay if I wanted to live as a girl, but honestly I don't think that she would be able to deal with it.

[kimdl93]

I'd like to hear this from a GG, but my instinct is that dressing isn't the issue - to women, these are just clothes. But it changes the dynamic when your partner sees you as a woman, rather than the male she is attracted to. It won't always be a catastrophic change, and at times it may just be a matter of getting used to the revised and abridged edition.

[KlaireLarnia]

Firstly, I am delighted that you appreciate there is a difference between dressing, and presenting as female! The onus for the difficulties is laid at the GGs door! She's the one who is supposed to change the way she thinks! But thanks for understanding the difference in the problem.

I'm not sure I understand the difference between dressing as a female and presenting as a female unless "dressing" is just putting on the clothes but not shaving, etc.

There is a MASSIVE difference between dressing and presenting as female if you ask me. If I was to stand beside my wife right now and ask you to describe how we looked in simple terms you would say: She is a woman and he is a man in women's clothes. Bingo you get a medal for being right.

Looking at some of the images on here (and I am not going to single anyone out), you could put some of those people next to my wife and ask the same question and you would get: She is a woman and he is a man trying to look like a woman. And the important difference is one is wearing female clothes, the other is trying to look like a woman. It's easy to spot and see which is which.

The difference is what you do AFTER you put the clothes on. And it is not a single step. If you add proper breast forms to give (say) a D-Cup chest, a wig, full make-up, nail polish, wear open-toe shoes, stockings, change the tone of your voice and mannerisms etc etc. Then it is fair to say you are trying to present as a female. If you bung on jeans, a top, a zip up jumper and a pair of semi-tatty women's trainers but do nothing else - nothing to change you facial appearance, nails, go up to any guy you meet and speak to him as you would in male clothes etc then it is fair to say you will end up looking like a bloke in women's clothes.

I think the perception on places like this is often that if you dress in women's clothes you want to pass as a woman (which is not always the case strangely enough), and this where a lot of real women draw the line. Wearing clothes they can handle, they may limit it to the house (but only to ensure they get no hassle from it), but it can be dealt with. But to find this man you love, have/want to marry wants to look/act/appear female. Yeah, I would run a mile if I was them and be gone as fast as I could. This coming from a person who cross dresses!

This is why I wondered if the clothes are the issue or the presenting as female the issue. IF my wife wanted to wear my (male) clothes I am happy with it, she has done before and will again. If she came in tomorrow and said she wanted to wear male clothes full time and be called "Bob" I would have a mental and ask her if her mind is screwed up. This is what a lot women appear to do.

I hope a GG can give us their insight because I would dearly love to hear their thoughts on it.

[the_shark]

GG here. Well, sorta. I'm a strange one so I'm not going to be the purest gateway to the answer of a GG because I'm not just a GG. I'm also an FtM. Being so, I'd support however far my SO would want to go. I'd help them dress or help them present if they wanted my help. Otherwise, I'd just let them do as they please.
Being an FtM, I'd find myself a hypocrite not accepting a MtF as an SO.
Presenting as female wouldn't "freak me out" in the least.
If nothing else, it could be fun.
But remember, I'm looking the other direction do its easier to meet in the middle and identify with common feelings through an opposite but similar cause.
Hope that helped.

[sometimes_miss]

I can't 'pass' or present, so I'd say that one. The actual putting on of female clothes and things is enjoyable rather than work because it's a relief not to be wearing male clothes anymore.