How can I be a good gf to my CD bf?

[Angela Campbell]

One thing I can tell you is it is a really really big thing he told you. This is a major secret most of us hold for our entire life. The fact he told you means he thinks you are pretty special and worth a long term relationship which would likely be ruined if you found out years down the road.
I have only told one person in my entire life. She was the love of my life and I would have died for her. We no longer know each other - not because of the cd thing - but it was a time of her telling me her secrets she didn't ever let anyone else know (which I will not reveal still) and me telling her my secrets. Being open and honest is a good thing and from your posts I can tell you think a lot of him too.
So I would say like the others have said. Slow down and give it time to sink in. After a time if you just cannot handle it then at least you honestly tried and so did he. No dishonor there. You may eventually get more comfortable with it you never know. Just be sure he will not likely grow out of it he may start keeping it a secret or even stop doing it to keep you. He will always want to though. It sounds like you have something that is pretty special but reality is reality. Neither one of you should live with something that bothers you. I wish you both the best.

[BRANDYJ]

Thanks everyone for your responses! I have a billion questions and concerns.

We have discussed a few nights ago slowing down. It was probably my fault that we went fast to begin with. I encouraged him to dress in front of me because I wanted him to know I loved him no matter what and that I was going to support him.

I found that I preferred him to wear my clothes around me (he only has a few things of his own anyways) because I was more comfortable with the types of clothes that I wear as opposed to his. (I am a pretty conservative woman whereas his taste are far more sexy and provocative)

After chatting on omegle with other CD's, I suggested to him, that maybe we should breakup so he could be with someone who was into CD, but he said this wasn't that big of a deal, it wasn't worth losing our relationship over. I just don't know how it couldn't be a big deal.

As far as emphasizing his masculinity, believe me he knows how much I love his masculine size. I don't know how I could praise him more. He really is one of those ultimate guys' guys.


Here are some more direct questions:
1) What does it mean to tell someone. After all these years and other girlfriends and close friends to talk to, why did he tell me after only two weeks of dating?
What it means may vary from one person to the next. But for most of us, it is like lifting a heavy weight off of our shoulders. Why he chose you to tell could be that he sensed he could trust you and sensed you would try to understand.(if that's the case, he was right) @ weeks is a short time, but he may feel that he wants a long term relationshipp with you and knew he had to tell you this about himself and that if you could not deal with it, both of you could walk before feelings got so involved that telling you later, or worse, if you found out about it on you own, it would hurt both of you much more. He did the right thing for the both of you regardless of his motives.

2) Is it possible to maintain a relationship if I preferred not to be involved?
Yes, it's very possible. Many couples respect each other enough to allow this without both being involved. He can have his alone time just as you may want alone time to engage in an activity he has no interest in. As with all couples, you don't have to share the same interests as long as they don't interfere with everyday life between you. No different then a guy that likes bowling or fishing. It's only a problem when he leaves little time for being with you.

3) Is this more about being a female or the clothes just feeling nicer?
Again, it varies. he is the only one that can answer that. For many of us, it may start at a very early age and be quite sexual. As we mature, it becomes more then that. Some of us feel we are expressing our feminine side. All men have one, just as many women have a masculine side to them, it's just some are so hung up or other reasons, they just don't express it.

4) Will there come a time when everyone he knows should find out? Will he want to tell everyone?

Most likely not. If it's true that you are the first person he ever told, then he is protective enough about his masculine image to keep it to himself, and now just between you and him. Most people that know me would never guess. I have told a handful of very carefully selected friends, mostly women. If he is private about most things, then he will be just as private about his crossdressing...if not more so.

5) Is CD always a sexual thing? Is it just a turn on or what?
Depends on many things and is different from man to man. As I said above, many, if not most started very young and it started out very sexual, as in self gratification, a turn on. For many of us, it becomes so much more then just sexual. It becomes a way for us macho men to express a softer more gentle persona that we usually find attractive in women. We tend to like women so much that we want to emulate them. For some it's an escape from the everyday competitive work world and a great way to relax.

6) Can you describe how it feels to dress? Like is it a thrilling feeling?

Again, it varies. But for me it's like becoming a woman that in my minds eye is like a woman I admire, respect and adore. I emulate those women that have touched my heart or that I otherwise admired or even lusted after. Hard one to explain. But also the feel of the clothes is sensual, soft, and romantic. The aroma of the perfume, the taste of the lipstick all sooth and enhance a hard to describe feeling of what a woman means to me.

7) I've suggested that he get clothes that are made for men but look like women's clothing so it will fit better.
He is not interested, he wants legitimate women's clothing. Is that true for you too and why?

Yes it is true for most of us. Most of us want clothes made and designed for a woman, not a man. We can find styles that do fit our masculine frames. No need for over priced specialty clothes that might be cut a little different. We want to emulate women in as many ways as we can. That means wearing clothes made for women, not clothes made for a man.


Going to work on getting the ten posts.
And am planning to buy those books after I get paid!

I hope my response helped in some small way. But you might get 10 different answers or variations from 10 different CD's.

[Rachel Morley]

To answer your direct questions from my point of view:

1) What does it mean to tell someone. After all these years and other girlfriends and close friends to talk to, why did he tell me after only two weeks of dating?
CDing is a very personal thing. I promised myself I would never ever tell another living soul as I was sure they wouldn't understand. I can only suggest that he told you and not anyone else because you're different. I think he cares very much more for you than he has done anyone else. Almost all the GGs on this site say they prefer honesty and that they be told early on in the relationship.

2) Is it possible to maintain a relationship if I preferred not to be involved?
Sure. There are plenty of CDers who are happily married with their wives not participating. Accepting, yes, participating ... not so much.

3) Is this more about being a female or the clothes just feeling nicer?
It differs for each of us. IMHO, I would say that for some of us (me included) it is about feeling that we are not 100% male (gender isn't necessarily being "all man or "all woman") and at times we want to show on the outside a little of what we are feeling on the inside.

4) Will there come a time when everyone he knows should find out? Will he want to tell everyone?
That will be entirely up to him. I myself have never told any of my family. My parents, bother, sister-in-law, uncles, aunts, everyone. What I do, I don't believe will be "value added" in their lives and so why do I need to tell them?

5) Is CD always a sexual thing? Is it just a turn on or what?
No, it's not always a sexual thing. For some yes, for others less so, and for others not at all. It used to be more of a sexual thing for me but the older I got the less it was about feeling sexy and more about wanting to get in touch with my softer, more feminine side. Some people use it to de-stress.

6) Can you describe how it feels to dress? Like is it a thrilling feeling?
Speaking only for myself, my gender (the sex of my brain) is more aligned with what is considered typically female. It's more difficult for me to fit the standard mold of a "man" in society. I find relief from these feelings when I present myself as a female and try my best to be accepted as such. I don't like many of the things that guys seem to like. I feel like the "odd one out". I like things that are more typically associated what the sorts of things women seem to like. I also happen to believe that many of my best qualities reside with my feminine side—qualities such as sensitivity, tenderness, empathy, helpfulness, and patience. My most over-riding emotion when dressed is happiness. I also feel somehow liberated, more attractive, I think I look younger, I'm less stressed, I somehow kinda feel "softer inside". It's almost like some kind of "mild self-affirming contentment drug". Expressing my femininity makes me feel relaxed, happy, and fulfilled, while suppressing it causes me stress, anxiety, and irritability.

7) I've suggested that he get clothes that are made for men but look like women's clothing so it will fit better. He is not interested, he wants legitimate women's clothing. Is that true for you too and why?
Yes, it is true for me too. There is something about wearing clothes that are made for women that makes it more legitimate and feels better. Crossdressers (just like everyone else in the world) come in many shapes and sizes and we all have different likes and dislikes about this wonderful thing that we enjoy. Everyone here knows that wearing women's clothes feels nice. They grip you in different places than men's clothes, the textures of silk and lace feel different on your body and that strange different feeling is nice, and we like it....and that's totally ok. The only problem we have is that we sometimes tend to feel guilty about enjoying this feeling because it's not exactly a mainstream activity and sometimes we feel self conscious about doing it.

[Alice B]

My wife and I have a very, very strong relationship and she accepts that I like to CD. But, she does not wish to participate. We established rules for where and when I can dress and as she became more ajusted to the fact the rules relaxed, but there will never be direct involvement and I'm OK with that. Last night in bed she summed it up very well. Our relationship and love allows us to both be independent people,without either of us feeling jealous or left out. We can share a wonderful life and be ourself. I will not try to answer all your questions, but will say that there is a sexual contex to dressing in the start. In time that aspect becomes reduced, but there is a long and difficuly road ahead if your SO pushes things in your face.

[Leslie Langford]

There is no question that this is scary territory for a "regular" GG who has had no prior exposure to crossdressing, and who has been socialized by society to think that this is just plain weird and finds it hard to get her head around such an activity. I will leave it to the others here to help you come to grips with your feelings about this and help you work through your issues with your boyfriend's crossdressing. I am going to keep it short and simple:

You have a unique opportunity to now have a boyfriend and a girlfriend all wrapped up into one, which is something that very few women ever get to experience.

You will enjoy all of the benefits of a gay male friend (empathy, being in touch with his feelings, having an appreciation of how women's minds work, a well-developed fashion sense, decorating savvy, a good understanding of make-up and hairstyles etc.) while still having a heterosexual male in your life who is "all man" in all other respects, and can still provide you with a satisfying sex life. Unlike "real" men, he will likely also be happy to accompany you on your shopping trips for clothes, provide valuable input into your choices, and not end up sitting outside of the fitting room looking as if someone had just shot his dog.

So you have a crossdressing boyfriend? How cool is that? You should count your blessings .

[Barbra P]

Thanks everyone for your responses! I have a billion questions and concerns.

I found that I preferred him to wear my clothes around me (he only has a few things of his own anyways) because I was more comfortable with the types of clothes that I wear as opposed to his. (I am a pretty conservative woman whereas his taste are far more sexy and provocative)

What a great opportunity to teach her how to dress appropriately. You grew up with other girls, maybe attended a few pajama parties along the way, but you learned what was appropriate as you grew up. He didn’t have that experience and therefore doesn’t have the knowledge of what is appropriate and what is not. One thing that many crossdressers have trouble with is how to dress and you will find countless posting suggesting that they go to a mall and observe what real GG’s are wearing, especially if they have plans to go out. Sure makes it easier to blend in if you are dressed like the other women around you rather than like a street walker that just ventured on to the mall.

After chatting on omegle with other CD's, I suggested to him, that maybe we should breakup so he could be with someone who was into CD, but he said this wasn't that big of a deal, it wasn't worth losing our relationship over. I just don't know how it couldn't be a big deal.

At my first therapy session my Therapist started off by telling me that if I was there to get cured I could stand up and leave. My Doctor basically said the same thing as did the Counselor who recommended I see a Therapist. There is no known cure and while some crossdressers can suppress the urge to dress for awhile it invariably returns, plus there may be mental health issues with suppressing the urge – depression.

Here are some more direct questions:

This is just my take on your questions and you have to remember that everyone is different, also I’m 69 and I’m relatively certain that both of you are a lot younger.

1) What does it mean to tell someone. After all these years and other girlfriends and close friends to talk to, why did he tell me after only two weeks of dating?

Generally it means a lot; it most likely means he felt comfortable enough with you to confide one of his deepest kept secrets. Many (maybe most) CD’s never tell anyone. Medical science hasn’t progressed to the point where crossdressing and it cause is fully understood but one theory holds that it may be something that takes place before birth.

2) Is it possible to maintain a relationship if I preferred not to be involved?

Only he can answer that question and to a certain extent you. The fact that he told you makes you somewhat involved even if the two of you decide that he won’t dress around you – you will know that he is doing it behind your back.

3) Is this more about being a female or the clothes just feeling nicer?

Again, only he can answer this and it is entirely possible that he doesn’t know himself why he dresses. For me it just feels right but I don’t know how to fully explain it to you.

4) Will there come a time when everyone he knows should find out? Will he want to tell everyone?

Probably not a good idea; crossdressing isn’t something that many people can understand and/or accept. Coming out of the closet to certain individuals could have life altering ramifications; it can break up marriages, friendships and families, and ends careers.

5) Is CD always a sexual thing? Is it just a turn on or what?

No. While it often has sexual overtones with younger men, many men as they grow older realize that the feelings they derive from dressing are what are most important.

6) Can you describe how it feels to dress? Like is it a thrilling feeling?

I wouldn’t say thrilling, although going out the first few times might be described as thrilling along with terrifying. I have gone to my therapy sessions enfemme and I enjoy doing that but I wouldn’t classify the feeling as thrilling, but it is a good feeling to sit and chat for an hour with another woman (my Therapist is a GG). For me it is a reduction in my stress level, as I said earlier, I feel more like this is how I should be and for the most part I’m more relaxed and easier going – I don’t have to maintain the tough macho image, I can be more carrying, softer, more emotional. My Therapist encourages me to dress more as she feels it helps with my depression but my Wife has set some boundaries; she doesn’t like me going out dressed and that includes visiting with the neighbor women although they are mostly fine with Barbra. Most weeks I will spend one day dressed.

7) I've suggested that he get clothes that are made for men but look like women's clothing so it will fit better. He is not interested, he wants legitimate women's clothing. Is that true for you too and why?

I’m not interested in men’s clothing that may have some feminine aspect, when I dress I want women’s clothes and I have a fondness for skirts and dresses, although I also some a couple pair of Capris, a skort (great in this hot weather), and a pair of women’s jeans. One big disappointment is that I can no longer wear high heels (I love pumps) although I do have a pair of wedges that I can wear. I actually find a bra comfortable along with my weighted breast forms that look, feel, and move like the real thing. I’ve had thinning hair since my twenties and I really enjoy putting on my wig, one it drastically changes my appearance, but I like the feel of hair against the side of my face and on my neck. I have more makeup than my wife does and I really enjoy doing my eyes and experimenting with different looks; I probably have close to a dozen lipsticks. I would love to go to Mac or Sephora and get a makeover. Last year my Daughter, now 29, took me for a pedicure for Father’s Day and picked out the color of polish. Except for a few weeks I have kept my toenails paint since and I wear sandals or flip-flops almost exclusively. Then there is jewelry. A week after I had the pedicure my Daughter took me to have my ears pierced, what a joy pierced earrings are over the clip-on type (which tend to hurt after a couple hours).

Going to work on getting the ten posts.
And am planning to buy those books after I get paid!

Don’t know if this gives you any insight into what your bf is going through. I suspect that he has almost as many questions about his crossdressing as you do, maybe even more.

[hisboo]

A little more insight into our relationship.

We began as girlfriends.. I would give him female names as well. We had "sleepovers" at my house where we played games and I dressed him in my clothes, put makeup on him, painted his nails, talked to him about the guys I dated etc... I never thought anything about it. (I had a little brother, and it was similar to when I was kid) Also, I made him into a female friend so that I would not develop feelings for him and ruin our amazing friendship. We are both in our mid-twenties and it was just nice for us to both be silly together and act childish. I never imagined that he wore women's clothing alone or that he had been doing it since he was little. I just thought it was awesome that he was willing to be my life-size baby doll. Now that I know about CD I feel guilty for making him dress up as a joke before I knew, even though he says it's ok. Kind of like making a sexist inappropriate joke or something.

[Rachel Morley]

I just thought it was awesome that he was willing to be my life-size baby doll. Now that I know about CD I feel guilty for making him dress up as a joke before I knew, even though he says it's ok. Kind of like making a sexist inappropriate joke or something.

Don't feel this way. If he was a CDer anyway, what you have described that you did with him is every CDers dream come true! Trust me. He means it when he says it's ok. He loved every single second of it

[Tracii G]

I'm sure he was loving every minute of the dress ups so don't worry about that.

[docrobbysherry]

I'm a 60+ y/o dresser. Been dressing since I was 50, Hisboo. I'll answer from my point of experience only!

Here are some more direct questions:
1) What does it mean to tell someone. After all these years and other girlfriends and close friends to talk to, why did he tell me after only two weeks of dating?

No idea! I'd be guessing!

2) Is it possible to maintain a relationship if I preferred not to be involved?

See answer to #1

3) Is this more about being a female or the clothes just feeling nicer?

EVERYTHING about it is exciting for me! Your BF? No idea!

4) Will there come a time when everyone he knows should find out? Will he want to tell everyone?

See answer to #1

5) Is CD always a sexual thing? Is it just a turn on or what?

It isn't always. But, for MANY of us it definitely has sexual components!

6) Can you describe how it feels to dress? Like is it a thrilling feeling?

Not simply, "a thrill". Imagine a huge adrenaline rush! Maybe like the drop from the top of a monster roller coaster? It's often like THAT for me!

7) I've suggested that he get clothes that are made for men but look like women's clothing so it will fit better. He is not interested, he wants legitimate women's clothing. Is that true for you too and why?

I want to appear and feel fem. Wearing ANYTHING that's NOT completely fem is a TURN OFF!

[becky77]

Not sure I can add any better advise than what has already been written, just let you know my perspective.
The fact you are on this site and asking questions rather than running a mile, is a very good start. The answers to some of your questions only he can answer. All I want to add is that you ask him to slow down, I know from my own experience the rush you get from a supportive SO, the sudden release of something that has been concealed so long is intoxicating. And you have been great, too great, with the best of intentions you have ignored your own feelings and concerns. Discuss your needs with him, what you describe is very common (in our community) and many wives/gf including mine are very supportive but just can't handle seeing their partner fully dressed. It's not just a man in a dress its becoming as female as possible, at that point it will feel like he is a different person, because in some ways he is, or she is? Seeing the transformation is just too weird for many to feel comfortable. Perhaps come up with some ground rules for now, he will most likely need them as much as you
Sometimes this is the only way to maintain a healthy relationship. I hope he also reads all the good advice on this site, realises how lucky he is and you two can work out what's right for you.

[May(be)]

This my friend, is a plan for disaster. Never put someone's needs over your own. Everyone needs to feel comfortable, accepted and loved including YOU! You may give him the wrong message and it will take a toll on your self esteem. If the relatiohship is worth having then go slow and pay close attention to your feelings about the topic. It's up to him to feel comfortable and accepting of himself. If you don't pay close attention to how you feel then you will end up very hurt and the relatiohship will suffer. As far as understanding why he does it? Well you may never understand. That is why you have to pay very close attention to your needs and feelings within this relationship. This kind of relationship takes more effort than most and it's easy to get lost and confused about things so do not put him over yourself or you will most certainly fail. Just my opinion as I have totally been there.

This is sage advice. You have a big heat, I hope this doesn't break.

[Eryn]

Hisboo, I'll try my best with your questions:

1) What does it mean to tell someone. After all these years and other girlfriends and close friends to talk to, why did he tell me after only two weeks of dating?

In my case, I didn't tell my wife until we had been married for over 20 years. The reason that I didn't tell her is that I had submerged my CDing deeply for my entire life and didn't even admit it to myself. For some reason it came to the surface and could not be ignored. Luckily, she understood and our relationship has survived and even improved since the stress of keeping her in the dark has diminished.

Now, in your BF's case, it might be that he said to himself "Wow, this relationship might really go somewhere! I had better tell her about myself right away so I won't be perceived as holding back when she finds out later on!" His telling you might be an act of ultimate faith and hopefulness.

2) Is it possible to maintain a relationship if I preferred not to be involved?

It has been done. It's called "Don't ask, Don't tell" or "DADT" here on the board. It's not ideal because it will be the perennial "elephant in the room" for your relationship, but many couples maintain themselves that way.

3) Is this more about being a female or the clothes just feeling nicer?

It's a bit of both. I love the feeling of the clothes, but there is also the ability to express myself as I wish. It's fun to explore the world from a different point of view and, to my mind, feminine ways of interaction are fascinating. One could draw parallels with people who go to sports fantasy camps or who participate in roleplaying games.

4) Will there come a time when everyone he knows should find out? Will he want to tell everyone?

That is not certain. Some CDers want to come out to everyone, others want to keep completely to themselves. I am not out to any of my "male world" friends and never intend to be.

5) Is CD always a sexual thing? Is it just a turn on or what?

For younger CDers it might be a turn-on at first. As we mature we tend to separate sex and gender and CDing is definitely not a turn-on. When I'm dressed I'm sexually neuter since I'm not attracted to men and I'm not really a lesbian either. After I've gone back to male mode there might be a bit of "rebound" that increases my ardor, but I think that is a definite plus for my partner. When my wife and I are out together in girl mode we act as any two female friends would act. That is what seems the most natural to us.

6) Can you describe how it feels to dress? Like is it a thrilling feeling?

Hmm, that's a tough one. There is definitely a thrill, particularly the first few times you dress, but pretty soon the thrill is replaced with a sense of calm, as my attention is focused upon doing something that isn't usual for me. Since there is that focus, the mundane problems of life diminish by comparison.

7) I've suggested that he get clothes that are made for men but look like women's clothing so it will fit better. He is not interested, he wants legitimate women's clothing. Is that true for you too and why?

It is the same for me. In fact, I prefer clothing that is made for women that will pass when I am in boy mode. I wear women's jeans, running shoes, etc. all the time. I'm tall and slim so a lot of the woman's items actually fit me better than men's clothing, particularly because women's clothing often includes a bit of spandex in the cloth. Men's clothing is baggy, shapeless and uncomfortable once you're used to the feminine stuff. Once I worked up the courage to shop for feminine clothing, shopping on the men's side of the aisle almost seems like a defeat to me!

Going to work on getting the ten posts.
And am planning to buy those books after I get paid!

Good for you! My wife Mimi is in FAB and has found it very useful.

Concerning the books and what you read on the forum, please understand that much of it will not apply to your BF. We are all unique and the folks who have contributed to this thread have ranged from transsexuals, to non-accepting GGs, to "ordinary" CDers like myself. All of our opinions are valid, but what really counts is the conversations between you and your BF. That's how you find out about how your relationship will develop! If you both handle it properly it can result in a relationship that is deeper and more meaningful than the relationship that existed before. After all, you're sharing a very intimate secret!

[Kaz]

A little more insight into our relationship.

We began as girlfriends.. I would give him female names as well. We had "sleepovers" at my house where we played games and I dressed him in my clothes, put makeup on him, painted his nails, talked to him about the guys I dated etc... I never thought anything about it. (I had a little brother, and it was similar to when I was kid) Also, I made him into a female friend so that I would not develop feelings for him and ruin our amazing friendship. We are both in our mid-twenties and it was just nice for us to both be silly together and act childish. I never imagined that he wore women's clothing alone or that he had been doing it since he was little. I just thought it was awesome that he was willing to be my life-size baby doll. Now that I know about CD I feel guilty for making him dress up as a joke before I knew, even though he says it's ok. Kind of like making a sexist inappropriate joke or something.

Hi Hisboo! Welcome to this world within a world. We are a very diverse community and whilst some CDs are very similar, we are also all very different, with very different stories to tell. I would have responded to this thread differently if I had not read this post. For you he was your 'life-size baby doll'... for him, I suspect that he saw you as someone who could understand him and be a long term partner.

This is a crazy world we inhabit. I would love an open and accepted arrangement, but then I am old and wrinkly and probably was when the internet went mainstream... so I may have had a lifetime of coming to terms with this but the reality is that I was in denial for most of my life. I just thought it was a 'quirk' that would at best go away and at worst I could lock up when I wanted... I was so wrong and only really accepted that 7 or so years ago. I feel so much happier within myself knowing that this a part of me that will never go away, but something that has no detrimental or other negative effect on anyone other than through perception and emotion. I do not knowingly and actively seek to damage anyone, but I know that I do... because of how this is perceived...

This is why talking is SO important. Yeah, maybe you encouraged him too much too soon and linking it to the bedroom would be a strong bond... but you also need to establish your needs and wants... some GGs here have found that by encouraging this too much they lose what they were attracted to. It is important that he understands that. I do not want to lose what is important to my family, but I know that I could easily do that by just giving up on my role as father, husband, breadwinner, etc in search of some fantasy that is me living as a woman. So I won't and it is not what I really want. But having the space to let this side of me out is just positive to how I feel about myself.

I LOVE to be in 'Kaz' mode... the name helps me differentiate between the two drivers, but I am quite 'whole' I assure you!... but I love to be (in guy mode) the lecturer that everyone loves, throwing out theories and challenging people's opinions, and when I play guitar in any of my bands I am Mr Rock! And loving it...

I agree with most of what you have had so far in this thread... support him and accept... but you have needs too and he needs to address these or it is not a partnership. Don't turn him into something you don't want! He may not want it either and then it is lose:lose.

OK, many on this site are TransSexual and have had surgery to give them a female body... Many haven't. I haven't. I sometimes wish I had or could, but the reality is very different (for me)... and the bottom line is that I love my wife... we have been through a lot together (grown up kids) and she is still my best friend. I don't want to lose this for the world!

OK... I am rambling now, lost in my own thoughts and probably not helping! Build the relationship but it is a two-way relationship. Build humour and trust about the CD side... but always be honest about what you have difficulties with and tell him... work through the solution as a win:win.

I have always fought shy of 'ground rules'... If my wife dictates rules you can guarantee I will not follow them... it is the one thing that does not bring me on-board... but then we are all different as I said earlier. I respond better to agreed objectives, values etc... where we can both be looking out for each other in a truly positive manner...

Oh yeah, and for the record... I have no desire whatsoever to be intimate with my wife 'dressed'... this is another wrongly held belief that all CDs are like this... we are a mixed bag. And as for the CD porn sites... there is porn available for every taste these days and the industry will promote and stimulate that demand...

You did well finding this site... it is where we try to find things out... oh yeah, and we have a lot of fun too!

[hisboo]

Hi everyone, this is boo's boyfriend. I appreciate everyone's input and trying to help. A lot of you have some really good info. I just wanted to go through and try and help clear up where I lay at on the list of questions that were posted.


1) What does it mean to tell someone. After all these years and other girlfriends and close friends to talk to, why did he tell me after only two weeks of dating?

I've dated many girls in the past and never told any until now. I didn't feel comfortable enough telling any of them or anyone else for that matter. I had been wanting to tell her for months before I finally did as we have been really close friends for a while. I honestly felt and still feel closer and most comfortable with her than anybody else. I actually told her that I like to crossdress a few weeks before we started dating. At this point I was seriously considering dating her as I felt that we were perfect together and really couldn't imagine being without her. I guess this was my way of wanting her to know about my secret beforehand in case we did take our relationship to the next level. I told her that I like to crossdress and she didn't think much of it when I originally told her. She sounded very excited about it, which I didn't expect so much excitement. She even suggested me dressing up as Cher for Halloween. I was relieved that she took it so well, but also very worried that it didn't raise any concerns for her. It was a huge weight off of me to finally tell someone that I know. A few weeks later we became more that friends, we had never said any more about it, but it began to bother me that she didn't ask any more questions or bring it up as I thought it would have and I was just as nervous to even bring it up again as I was to originally tell her. A few weeks after we began dating I decided to bring it up again. I wanted to be certain she understood the first time. She didn't take it so well. She didn't remember me originally telling her at all and it kind of made me feel bad that she didn't "know" before we began dating, but am very happy that I "refreshed" my secret with her so early into our new relationship. I felt more relieved the second time around as I got the reaction more on the end that I was expecting and that she understood this time. That week was very rough for us with this situation but am glad that we got to talk a lot of it out.


2) Is it possible to maintain a relationship if I preferred not to be involved?

We have discussed this together and I would be fine and would understand if she wished not to be involved. I would be fine with her not wanting to be around when I decided to dress up. I would only want her to be understanding that it is something that I do and be fine with me doing it on my own time even if she wishes not be around. I want her to treat me like the man that I am when I am as myself and don't want her to look at me as being less manly because of what I am...and as she has told me she does still know that I am still the same MAN. I also want her to not feel ashamed like she is doing something wrong if she chooses to have little involvement in it, which I think is something that bothers her BIGTIME. It's not her fault and that is just who she is and how she feels and I understand that. I wouldn't think any less of her as being a great person.


3) Is this more about being a female or the clothes just feeling nicer?

When I began wearing clothes as a kid, the desire to crossdress was completely for the feeling of the clothes. Now that I am older it is a mixture. I still like it for the feeling but also like it for the feeling of looking like a girl. As far as clothes choice, I like clothes that feel good on my body, more form fitting stuff versus loose fitting almost naked feeling clothes. I prefer to look like a girl if I am crossdressing. The only exception is if I were just wearing lingerie (panties, night gown etc.) I would be ok and like wearing those as a boy.


4) Will there come a time when everyone he knows should find out? Will he want to tell everyone?

I have no future desire to tell anyone else...at least for a decade or 2 lol. It was hard enough telling the person I am most comfortable with that I am a crossdresser so other people knowing....probably no time soon....or maybe ever. I definitely want to keep this secret for a while.

5) Is CD always a sexual thing? Is it just a turn on or what?

CD is not a big sexual thing to me. It never has been, it's always been more about wanting to look like a girl and the feeling of the clothes. I am sometimes aroused by it but not a big part of why I do it or what I get out of it. I would say that after I am done crossdressing I often really want to have sex...but then again I often want to have sex from just waking up lol.


6) Can you describe how it feels to dress? Like is it a thrilling feeling?

To me dressing makes me feel pretty ^_^...but deeper than that, crossdressing to me makes me feel stress free. I have no worries when I do it. It is relaxing. It feels like I am just floating and can be whatever without matter. Whatever problems I have or whatever issues are bothering me are not important while I dress. Crossdressing is also well...just plain fun to me. It's like halloween but I only want to dress as different types of girls.


7) I've suggested that he get clothes that are made for men but look like women's clothing so it will fit better. He is not interested, he wants legitimate women's clothing. Is that true for you too and why?

Well this one has already been answered so no need

[paulaloha]

Hisboo and boyfriend, let me say that I think it is awesome that you guys at working this out together! As a single guy I often wish for the chance to simply try to work it out with a girlfriend, but I'm not too worried about pushing for that right now.

I am also in my mid twenties and it's encouraging for me to hear stories like yours. From what I have read here you seem to be doing a lot of things right. And at this point in our lives lots of things are coming together and lots of things are shifting in our world views. It really is a big thing to try to work through! *Well I just wanted to throw out some thoughts in relation to the questions asked before even though 'boyfriend' you have already answered them yourself. I figure it can never hurt to have anymore input.

1) What does it mean to tell someone. After all these years and other girlfriends and close friends to talk to, why did he tell me after only two weeks of dating?
Personally i have thought about this a lot, with a few potential relationships in my life lately it has forced me to think of how and when I would tell her. I have decided that it is something I will do near the beginning because I feel it is one of those things that the longer you put it off the harder it will be to do later in the relationship for fear of how you might hurt the other. I did tell my last girlfriend a month or so after we started dating. She was less than supportive and freaked on me. She kinda blew up saying she wasn't a lesbian! She wouldn't even talk about it enough for me to further explain things. She just wanted to not think about it at all. Well we broke up later on, the CDing was a non issue in the breakup it was for other reasons. But I did always have that gnawing inside me. Knowing that she couldn't even try to work through it. So kudos to you Hisboo for making it at the very least past that, it gives me hope of meeting a girl like that one day!


2) Is it possible to maintain a relationship if I preferred not to be involved?

Yes, as others have said I totally believe it is. I'm into kayaking, rock climbing, mtn biking, skydiving, computers, triathlons, ultimate frisbee, video games, reading and crossdressing... That's a lot of things for one person to be into, and I would be thrilled to find a girl that is into all those things but I am not expecting that. I know that I need something's that only I am into and she will need things that she is into without me as well... So for myself I would say that I need a girl that is supportive but doesn't have to be directly involved. Though I would like a girl I could *shop with, I don't have to dress around her...

3) Is this more about being a female or the clothes just feeling nicer?

Well something that I will reference in future questions is that I started at young age and that has led me to realize that I am at least a little big transgendered. I always say that I am a definitely a man, but I just got a stronger feminine side than most, that lead me to having a girly part of myself. So I would say this, most girls wouldn't be ok wearing baggy tee shirts and baggy jeans if they wanted to feel girly. So neither does the girl side of me.*

4) Will there come a time when everyone he knows should find out? Will he want to tell everyone?
For me no, I have told one close friend and that has been incredible to have someone I can talk to candidly about dressing. I have debated telling my parents... I did tell me ex as I said and that ended poorly. But I do not see myself telling lots of people anytime in the future...

5) Is CD always a sexual thing? Is it just a turn on or what?

Well for me it has gone through stages. When I started at 5 years old it was not sexual at all. Then around 12-18 it became incredibly sexual for me. Now it has balanced back out and I would say that on many occasions it has reduced my sexual drive. When I want to feel like a woman I don't instantly get sexual feelings now. It makes me want to cherish a woman for who she is and love every part of her. Not just treat her as a sexual object. In example, I pretty much never look at porn while dressed in any item of women's clothing... Whereas in male clothes I find it much easier to objectify women... Not saying I'm proud of that, but it is a reality that I have now discovered about myself and I am trying to work on...

6) Can you describe how it feels to dress? Like is it a thrilling feeling?

Well as I said I do believe I am a bit transgendered so I have a part of me that feels like a girl. So when I dress it just feels right for that part of me. It's like when I make it back to mountains. There is a peace to be found there, its like being home. You can feel safe and comfortable there. *But it can definitely be thrilling and tons of fun!

7) I've suggested that he get clothes that are made for men but look like women's clothing so it will fit better. He is not interested, he wants legitimate women's clothing. Is that true for you too and why?

Well most girls wouldn't want to wear guys clothes... And the girl in me doesn't want to wear guys clothes either...*


One thing I am happy not to have heard in all of this discussion is wondering wether or not your boyfriend is gay. I assume he settled that for you early on. My ex jumped to that conclusion at first... I love that it hasn't seemed to be an issue at all as it is so commonly brought up. Even though most crossdressers are straight. I always answer it this way to myself... Inside I'm about90% straight male and 20% lesbian... That extra 10% just goes to show that we don't always make perfect sense!

Anyways, just wanted to offer up some thoughts and encouragement.

If either of you guys want someone else around your age to talk to feel free to PM me!

Blessings, Paula!

[JohannaSophia]

You might try reading “My Husband Wears My Clothes: Crossdressing from the Perspective of a Wife” by Dr. Peggy J. Rudd; about $11 in paperback on Amazon ($8 Kindle). The book may answer some of your questions. The book tells how for Peggy Rudd her husbands crossdressing actually strengthened their relationship and their marriage.

I agree with kittypw GG and Aprilrain that your needs come first, but that applies both ways. I’ve been in therapy for over a year now and one thing I have learned is that both sides of a relationship have needs. My Wife has needs and I can’t expect her to forego her needs, but I can’t forego mine either – there has to be a middle ground. As April said, boundaries are OK, and maybe not just OK, boundaries may be a necessity.

I think it is unreasonable for him to think you should act the same around his feminine self as you do around his masculine self. I can completely understand why you might find being intimate with his feminine side more than just uncomfortable. One recurring scenario that keeps appearing on the forum is having a “girl friend”, not a gf/bf girl friend but a gf/gf friend, someone with whom they can spend some girl-time. Someone to have coffee (or a glass of wine) with and discuss makeup, clothes, etc; maybe go shopping; maybe do each other’s toenails. If you can be comfortable doing that I don’t think your bf can ask for more.

That is where boundaries come in, you establish what you are comfortable doing and see if that is sufficient to meet his needs. If his needs can be met within your established boundaries than maybe your relationship can continue, if not then it might be time to move on. Your relationship will never grow if one or the other of you is uncomfortable with the circumstances. If he insists on being intimate when he is dressed enfemme than maybe he has issues that run deeper than being just a crossdresser; although it is quite common for men, especially younger men, to be turned on when dressing. You might point out to him that you are heterosexual and have no lesbian feelings and being intimate with another woman turns you off. Let him know that he will have a lot more satisfaction as a man with you than as a woman. You can be (whatever his feminine name is) friend but not her intimate friend.

You might run across a phrase on here, “The Pink Fog”, and it refers to a period when a CD has a particularly strong urge to dress. Pink fogs seem to come and go and your bf might currently be in a pink fog right now. For the first time in his life he has told someone, someone he cares for, about his crossdressing, and it feels like a great weight has been lifted. He probably wants to experience not only the freedom he is feeling but share his feminine side with you. In time the pink fog may begin to lift and he may not need to dress as often and he may spend more time as his male persona.

One other thing I would suggest is that you encourage him to get his own clothes and makeup and to stop borrowing yours.

Good advice. You mentioned having sex when your BF/GF dresses and not being comfortable with a GF/GF relationship. I have not seen it mentioned in the replies I have read but he/she may want you as her boyfriend. I personally like my wife to top me, unfortunately it does not fit any of her kinks nor does lesbian sex but bless her heart she tries. Since her satisfaction leads to my satisfaction I don't find crossdressing sex very attractive, bearing in mind we are senior citizens and we might have felt differently in our 20's.

[Cheryl T]

if you are uncomfortable with his dressing then you have to talk to him about it.
Putting him first is admirable, but it's not in the best interest of either of you. Eventually resentment will rear it's ugly head and things will get bad. Honesty is the basis of any good relationship and even though yours is just beginning as BF and GF if you have any thoughts of progression then you must resolve this now.

[Barbra P]

Hi everyone, this is boo's boyfriend. I appreciate everyone's input and trying to help. A lot of you have some really good info. I just wanted to go through and try and help clear up where I lay at on the list of questions that were posted.)

This reply is to hisboo’s bf. The Moderators can’t read and moderate each and every posting on the forum(s) although they do an amazing job. By posting under hisboo’s member name you have broken one of the Forum’s rules:

“Joint memberships -- those shared by more than a single member -- are not permitted as they have previously caused too many problems in private forum sections and posting under the wrong name.
If an account is discovered to be a shared account, the member(s) will be contacted and instructed to create a new second account. Any member not complying with the request may be banned from the forum.”

I don’t mean this as a reprimand in any way just a friendly tip. I would suggest that you establish your own membership before posting further on this forum. I know several husband/wife and bf/gf couples that post here and it really does avoid confusion when it comes to whom the message is intended for. By having your own membership you also make it possible for other members to send you PM’s (Personal Messages).

So take a minute and establish your own membership. If you want to keep it in the family you can call yourself “herboo”, I think the relationship between the two user names is rather obvious.

[ElleduSud]

I think you have done enough. You do not need to sacrifice yourself to save him. If you're not into it you're not into it, tell him that before you build up a resentment. It's OK to have boundaries

Hi Hisboo,

I, too, am the girlfriend of a CD.

1. Be very, very glad that he is telling you early in the relationship. You still have options and are not tied to him by children, shared assets or joint debt.

2. The dressing will not stop, it will escalate over time, either in frequency or in completeness (full outfits versus just panties)

3. There is a very strong probability that he will want to either dress full time or actually get hormones/surgery within 10-20 years.

4. When circumstances outside his control prevent him from dressing as planned (last minute work assignment, sick child, or unexpected visitor on evening) he will be veryfrustrated and his behavior will reflect that. At best he will be whiny or cranky. As his frustration escalates (unexpected weekend guests followed by sick child then need for overtime to catch up at work while out with the sick child) he may get very angry and verbally abusive, much like an alcoholic when he can't get to a drink.

5. His femme behavior will escalate along with the frequency/completeness of his dressing. In fact, it will reach a point when he won't need to be dressed in order for you to recognize that "she" is there and not "he".

6. He will lie to you, at some point, either directly, through omission or through partial truths, about his crossdrssing activity.

That said, Aprilrain put it best. Define what you need from this relationship. Establish borders based on those needs. Always take care of yourself. Never put yourself in a position where you feel you "can't" leave the relationship.

Get your 10 posts in, join FAB Forum, read the real responses that wives and GFs have about cross dressing.

[Chickhe]

Just have fun with it. Don't pretend and don't hide your feelings. Be honest, but also be open minded. Maybe if you don't like his manerisms then try to teach him a more natural way, but also if you just learn to accept the parts you don't like, then eventually you may see that you were being too critical. My advice...just relax and have fun with it, its not every day you get this kind of unique adventure in your life.

[BRANDYJ]

Hi Hisboo,

2. The dressing will not stop, it will escalate over time, either in frequency or in completeness (full outfits versus just panties)

3. There is a very strong probability that he will want to either dress full time or actually get hormones/surgery within 10-20 years.



5. His femme behavior will escalate along with the frequency/completeness of his dressing. In fact, it will reach a point when he won't need to be dressed in order for you to recognize that "she" is there and not "he".

6. He will lie to you, at some point, either directly, through omission or through partial truths, about his crossdrssing activity.

That said, Aprilrain put it best. Define what you need from this relationship. Establish borders based on those needs. Always take care of yourself. Never put yourself in a position where you feel you "can't" leave the relationship.

Get your 10 posts in, join FAB Forum, read the real responses that wives and GFs have about cross dressing.

Hi ElleduSud, Respectfully, I strongly disagree with the 2 items I left from the quote of your post.
I think the escalating to the point of wanting to dress 24/7, do hormones/surgery is perhaps something very few crossdressers will ever want to do. Honestly, this is rare.

You say he will lie about his crossdressing activities. True, some do, not all of us. No more, and maybe less, then a non-CD husband or boyfriend will lie about cheating and seeing an outside lover. My SO fully accepts me, trusts me and knows me better then anyone on the face of this earth. No way do I have to lie to her about anything, and I can't or won't lie to her. I have self respect and honor.
You paint an ugly picture of what sounds like you are saying ALL CD's will do. If I ever do as you suggest in 10-20 years, I'll be between 73 and 83 if I'm lucky to live that long.

[hisboo]

@Barbra P -- thanks for the advice. He said that he will make his own soon.

@ElleduSud wow... that is reallllly scary for me to consider. You're right, it is good that he told me now, early on. He's giving me the chance to run. To me though, him telling me removed any doubts I had that he loved me or trusted me. When he told me, I knew that what we had was special. I know that it was not his goal to reassure me that when he said he loved me it was genuine, but that is what it did. And I want to make sure he knows that his trust and love are not misplaced in me. That is a big reason why I am so concerned with doing the right thing and making sure his emotional and CD needs are met.

But I also think it is bad. We didn't have the opportunity to really enjoy our new relationship as I would have liked. You know, the whole honeymoon period in the beginning? It's like we have had this dark cloud over us since he told me and I don't like it. I want to handle this and then move forward in our relationship and just be happy with each other. I want to enjoy our present and not be too worried about what could or could not happen some distant day in the future. I'm concerned that if we spend too much time focused on this one thing, we may miss out on a wonderful relationship.

Last night when I told him I had posted in the forum and asked if he wanted to read, I was very nervous that he would be unhappy that I put so much about us online. We read through everyone's posts together. We talked about which experiences were similar to his. We talked about how we felt about the different aspects of his CD and our relationship. Then he agreed to respond, which I was very grateful for. It was easier for him to gather his thoughts and type them than for us to discuss without some sort of guide. So, overall this has been a very positive experience for the two of us.

I feel better about CD and I think, or at least, I hope he does too. Am I totally comfortable? Absolutely not! When will I be? I don't know when or if I ever will be. However, I consider myself very lucky to be with him, he truly is amazing and I don't want to be without him. I have come to the conclusion that a man who crossdresses is by far preferable to the men who abuse, cheat on, or manipulate their girlfriends or abuse drugs/alcohol, have gambling addictions the list could go on for days. What he is doing is harmless to me and anyone else. IF I can manage to be more open-minded, he and I will be a lot more happier in our relationship, and I think I can do that.

Several have suggested rules. These are a few I think we should try to follow for now. We've talked about some of these and I want him to establish some of his own as well. Right now, he isn't going to dress around me for a while. (I don't necessarily agree with this. I feel like we should just rip the band-aid off fast instead of slowly.) Let me know if you all think these will work.

1)Right now I just want to make sure he gives me plenty of time with his male side. Especially since we live over an hour apart, and we don't get to see each other as often as I'd like to. If we lived together or saw each other daily, it would probably be different.
2) Let me prompt dressing or related behavior. I know that I will. I'll offer to do his nails, or suggest that we go shopping or ask him to wear panties.
3) If he feels the need to dress, ask if it's ok to do it in front of me. (I feel kind of bad about this one, I don't want him to feel like he has to have my permission, but at the same time, if I'm uncomfortable, I'll never become ok with it.)
4) Appreciate what I am doing. It kind of hurts me that he wants me to be happy about it, and I just am not. (Seriously though? Who wants to find out that someone has a secret life that you or they can't understand?) Let's just focus on what I am ok with over what I'm not right now.
5) Be honest about it. Even if I don't want to hear it or it may make me uncomfortable or might not understand, I want him to tell me everything.

I'm not sure if this is what you all meant by ground rules, but This would make me feel better. To be clear: I do not think there is anything wrong with him, I don't think less of him and from what I know right now, I don't think CD will be relationship-ending.

[BRANDYJ]

Hisboo, you are on the right track. Remember, you are important to him and to yourself. True, we mentioned boundaries. If he's smart and cares about you, he will no doubt make some self-imposed boundaries he will not cross. I knew what my partner (s) liked, disliked and without a word siad, I chose to limit myself to what I knew was acceptable behavior to them. Boundaries are not etched in stone, they are expandable and changeable as your and his comfort level eases. And it will as you both become more comfortable with each other and the whole issue of crossdressing.
Please, whatever you do, don't do things with him or for him if you are not having as much fun or getting anything out if it yourself. That can be a very big mistake for several reasons. Be honest as to what you are happy doing with and for him. No different then if he wanted you to go fishing with him and you hate fishing. Then don't pretend and go fishing with him. Personally, if I ever sensed someone was doing something for me or with me that they really were not interested in, it would ruin it for me and I'd feel bad that they felt they had to participate. The whole subject of crossdressing is not his alone to deal with now. You and him as a couple have to deal with it together and on the same page.

I like your thoughts above....really. It's all about being happy together and with yourself.
think you guys will do fine.

[hisboo]

Thanks Brandy for the encouragement!

I disagree with this though:

Please, whatever you do, don't do things with him or for him if you are not having as much fun or getting anything out if it yourself. That can be a very big mistake for several reasons. Be honest as to what you are happy doing with and for him. No different then if he wanted you to go fishing with him and you hate fishing. Then don't pretend and go fishing with him.

If fishing were important to him, I would go with him, to support him even if I hated it. I would do the same for any of my friends. Not all the time, but at least enough to show that I care enough about them to at least give it a try. I feel the same about CD. Even if I don't like it, I should be able and willing to be around him. No, not all the time, and if there is something that I find seriously disturbing, then no I would not want to partake in that, but as long as it is what I've seen thus far from him, we should be ok doing it together. Just want to make sure that i still get to date the MAN that I began dating. I'm not a lesbian, and I have girl friends that I spend time with. When we are together I'd prefer he be the man because that's the premise I entered this relationship under.