Is it fair to ask our SO to keep our CD/TG/TS status secret?

**Marleena** · 08-31-2012, 09:19 AM

A thread by Marlana in which her SO outed her made me want to ask this. In her case her CD status was made known to her sister by her wife.

Is it ever okay to break this trust?

Is the secret too much for an SO to keep to themselves?

Everyone is welcome to reply.

**Stephenie S** · 08-31-2012, 09:28 AM

Once you tell ANYONE else, it's no longer a secret.

If you have a secret, it's only a secret if you tell no one.

Of course you can request your SO not to tell, but who and what we talk to and about is our business.

I can hear your wife right now saying EXACTLY what you said to her.

"Listen sis, I have something to tell you but you have GOT to promise not to tell anyone else. It's a secret. John likes to dress up in women's clothes! Don't tell a soul, OK?"

I repeat. Once you tell anyone, it's no longer a secret.

S

**linda allen** · 08-31-2012, 09:32 AM

Your SO should keep your secret just as you should keep their secret. Crossdressing or otherwise.

My wife and I kid about telling our friends or better yet, me just showing up somewhere wearing my boobs, but it's clear it's just kidding. She wouldn't want to embarass me or herself.

**Kassandra56** · 08-31-2012, 09:41 AM

Must admit I've always expected my wife would discuss with someone else especially her closest sibling and we have never discussed my dressing being a secret. I feel she supports in every way she can but if at any time she feels some stress around the situation I think it's only fair to expect she would discuss with someone else very close to her.

k

**STACY B** · 08-31-2012, 09:44 AM

Bring it all out in the open so everyone will know !!! Then its not a secrete to know one ,,,,, An then it will be common Place that we all do it an there will be power in numbers ,,It might sting a little at first ,,But look on the Bright side ,,Ya never know who will be standing next to ya ? Might be Surprised ? No more hiding an then wqe will be FREE ,,,Free I tell ya ,,,Free !!!!!!!!!! Like meeeeeeeeee

**BRANDYJ** · 08-31-2012, 09:49 AM

Good question Marleena. But to many variables to give one answer to fit all.

If the SO is having a hard time accepting or understanding issues about crossdressing and she has a very trusted friend or relative she trusts to confide in, then she should have the right to find support for what she is dealing with just as the C mate does.

When I told my second wife, the very first person I ever told, she had a very difficult time dealing with it. She had a very close girlfriend that she trusted and felt the need to confide in her. When she told me that she had done this, since we never even discussed who to tell or not to tell, I was very upset. When she told me she needed a friend to talk to, I then eased up and accepted and understood that she had to talk to someone about it. This was long before we had the Internet and readily available information on the subject. It helped her to come around and accept me much better. On the positive side, her friend gave me some of her hand me downs in a way of saying she accepted me too.

The point is, some of us, and our SO's need someone to talk to and help them understand or cope with their feelings.
My present SO has told a few of her long time trusted friends. I trust her judgment on who to tell and who not to. So with 100% trust in place, I trust her judgement on the matter as much as my own on who to tell.
If the SO tells someone out of spite or to be hurtful, then that is just wrong.

So yes, it's fair to ask them to keep it a secret, but there are exceptions as the need may arise for them to tell someone. I know my SO and trust her choices.

**kimdl93** · 08-31-2012, 09:51 AM

Honestly, I think that an SO should be able to confide in a friend or family member if she wishes, but it would be better from a trust stand point, if she at least talked about it with her partner. I know at least one of my wife's friends is aware of me and it hasn't affected our relationship.

**linda allen** · 08-31-2012, 09:57 AM

Originally Posted by kimdl93

Honestly, I think that an SO should be able to confide in a friend or family member if she wishes, but it would be better from a trust stand point, if she at least talked about it with her partner. I know at least one of my wife's friends is aware of me and it hasn't affected our relationship.

Yes, but you are "out and about" as a female so it's not a "secret". People know about your dressing already.

For those still in the closet or who plan to remain in the closet, I think it's a breach of trust. In the case of the OP, the wife apparently told the sister as payback for something he did that she wasn't pleased about. Not to get a burden off her chest, but to punish the husband.

**Roni Lynn 68** · 08-31-2012, 10:00 AM

I agree. I trust my SO enough with my secret to allow her in, at least I should be able to allow her to trust others. I should also be told who she confided our secret with, who knows maybe this is a way for more people to understand crossdressers are "normal" people.

**Kate Simmons** · 08-31-2012, 10:03 AM

A secret known to two is no longer a secret, so be prepared. I was formerly in Army Intel. Everything there was done on a "need to know" basis.

**Diana L** · 08-31-2012, 10:12 AM

I have the opposite problem. I want to be out to most people but my wife insists that it be kept secret. I think she is afraid of what people will think of her.

Diana L

**BRANDYJ** · 08-31-2012, 10:38 AM

What about a couple that never discussed either of them telling anyone else. It simply never came up between them. Either or both just assume that the other won't tell anyone. So if it's never been brought up and the SO decides for whatever reason other then spite, then I don't feel it's a breach of trust.
Each relationship has different dynamics and levels of communication, trust, tolerance, acceptance and understanding. And yes, even the amount of love for each other. How many marriages have gone from love to merely existing in the same home for the sake of the children, money or it's just comfortable? With all these varibles, I still say there is no one right answer.

I have the opposite problem. I want to be out to most people but my wife insists that it be kept secret. I think she is afraid of what people will think of her.

Diana L

Hi Diana, Yes that is different. I hope you respect and honor your wife's wishes. Her feelings are important and need to be understood and respected.

**katie_barns** · 08-31-2012, 10:55 AM

Part of being married is respecting each other and keeping secrets. My wife has confided in me things, I will never tell anyone. I expect she can do the same for me.

**RADER** · 08-31-2012, 12:31 PM

Originally Posted by katie_barns

Part of being married is respecting each other and keeping secrets. My wife has confided in me things, I will never tell anyone. I expect she can do the same for me.

I Totally agree; If you trust your wife and confide in her your desire to wear women's clothes,
Than she should keep the secret. Now if you tell someone out side of the Marriage, You should ask her
first if it is OK with her. Remember the fact that you are a CDer might be a concern to her image
as well. and may not want the "Cat out of the Bag"
Even in the Law, The wife can not tell things about her husband that would be considered privilege
communication ( Pillow Talk ).
So I would say that communication would be the best way to address this area.
Rader

**Marie-Elise** · 08-31-2012, 01:43 PM

Yes, I think that an SO should be bound by secrecy of his/her partner wishes. I think that this is one of the reasons we have an SO, isn't it? Someone to confide in? Someone who will not break that trust? Someone who will maintain the confidentiality the other seeks and the security that provides?

Otherwise, we could all just tell therapists our secrets. They are bound to confidentiality by law and can suffer professional and/or financial penalties for revealing secrets.

**lynnmcarthur** · 08-31-2012, 01:51 PM

It is odd but I wished my SO had told people or at least discussed it. It turns out she has much more shame over this than me

**ReineD** · 08-31-2012, 02:15 PM

If a CDer is closeted, a SO needs to ask permission to tell someone else about this, simply because the CDer will still have to deal with this person in guy mode, and there is a risk that the third party will treat the CDer differently because the third party may be biased.

Also, the motive in wanting to tell is hugely important. If it is an attempt to garner sympathy for a behavior that the wife does not condone, or to be vindictive in any way, this will fuel any bias that may be present in the third party and it is not a good reason to tell.

If, however, there is no bias against the CDing, yet there are challenges to overcome and the SO needs a trusted person to talk to, or the SO feels she is being dishonest with her mother or sister, (for example, if the couple goes way for regular weekends dressed and the mother is constantly asking, "Where DO you go all the time?"), then she should be allowed to tell, as long as the third party is trusted to keep the info confidencial and will not think any less of the CDer ... which, BTW, is often influenced by the SO's own attitudes about this.

**Jocelyn Quivers** · 08-31-2012, 02:40 PM

It is fair to ask but not too realistic to expect most people even a SO or wife to keep such a very big secret which in many ways effects them just as much as the partner. I have been blessed and very lucky in that my wife has not told anyone as far as I know. When I told her however, I did so with the expectation that she most likely will tell someone eventually and that I needed to be prepared just to come out of the closet completely to everyone in my life just in case.

I have been told very personal things by my wife and other family members and friends with the understanding that I will take such information "to the grave" with me. I guess it's easier for me to do so because of my own secrets. On a lighter note my wife has told others that I shave everything, do laser and electrolysis, as a way of somewhat letting a bit of the secret out without telling anyone the whole secret.

All of which can be explained quite easily Shaving- "I lift weights, run, etc." Electro and Laser- "I don't feel like spending all of my money on Just for Men beard or mustache products, so I figured it's just easier to permanently remove all facial hair and be done with it." "I decided to get rid of my facial hair, because I'm one of those guys who has very severve razor bumps and blisters and it was just too painful for me to shave."

**reb.femme** · 08-31-2012, 02:45 PM

My wife needed someone to talk to about me, as it is one hell of a secret and a game changer for some. She has a very close relationship with her sister so she has confided in her, something we discussed prior to the event. For myself, I really don't care who knows now, so long as my wife is happy with that person knowing and no crap comes to our doorstep.

Rebecca x

**ColleenA** · 08-31-2012, 02:46 PM

To respond to the title of this thread: Of course it's fair to ASK. What's not OK is to insist -- the SO shouldn't be put in a position of dealing with such information in isolation.

When I was in my 20s, I came out to my wife after we'd been married about 2 or 3 years, hoping for understanding and acceptance. (I wasn't dressing when we got married, but it creeped back into my life.) What I didn't realize was that she was totally unprepared to deal with it. The biggest consequence was that to process the information and her reactions, she turned to her No. 1 confidante -- her mother.

This move caught me totally off-guard, but I didn't blame my wife as I had never asked her to keep it a secret; I simply assumed she would hide it just as I had done for 10 years. Meanwhile, her mother and I never talked about the matter, but I knew she knew -- and she knew I knew she knew.

After a few stabs at trying to work through things with my wife, things got to the point where the dressing went underground, but was added to the list of problems that led to divorce a few years later.

Overall, then, I take a contradictory stance: you have every right to wish for this private matter to remain private outside your home or outside your bedroom, but such should not be without regard for your partner's reactions and needs.

**Lorileah** · 08-31-2012, 02:51 PM

I never expected my wife or SO to keep anything secret. I assumed that they were smart enough to let those who could handle it know and trust that they would keep it to themselves in most instances. My wife shared with her friends but on the other hand it wasn't a secret. It was just something we didn't flaunt in most cases. When she told her best work friend she found out the co-worker's husband was also a CD. I tried for 5 years to get him to feel comfortable enough to be open...never happened (yet he would do yard work in a dress...go figure

)

**LilSissyStevie** · 08-31-2012, 02:52 PM

You can ask whatever you like and they can do whatever they want. Is it fair? As they say around here, "The fair* is in Pomona."

*L. A. County Fair