Of course it's OK to ask. You can ask someone you barely know for a kidney. You probably won't get it, but it's OK to ask.
Of course it's OK to ask. You can ask someone you barely know for a kidney. You probably won't get it, but it's OK to ask.
some people like having little secrets, others don't.
Personally, my life didn't really begin until I stopped hiding things.
...Secrets are bad. mmkay?
If a spouse or partner requests privacy, they should be respected. Unless the request is harmful, feared or illegal behavior, spouses and SOs should never betray their loved one.
Last edited by heatherdress; 10-08-2012 at 04:45 PM. Reason: Shorten
I would not associate with someone who did not respect my privacy and I certainly could not love them. This is a boundary violation.
Each person should have the right to decide what they need to do to feel safe because what hurts one may not hurt another, it is very personal and should always be respected.
Outing someone could be a form of intimidation through humiliation, exposing the person to violence and I would be inclined to question the persons moral character
who did the outing.
Gossip can destroy lives even if there was no intention to.
Love is about protecting the loved one when the request for protection is reasonable and the request for privacy is very reasonable because it is necessary to life.
Last edited by KellyJameson; 08-31-2012 at 05:45 PM.
My wife works in the medical records world. Confidentiality is paramount, or you lose your job, and the possibility of any future in the field. She would not even tell me if a family member was dying, unless she was told to by the family member, to tell me. That being said, she has never told anyone about my CDing. I on the other hand told our best couple friends. I made the mistake of not talking to her first. She was PO-ed for a little while. I will not do that again without, her prior knowledge. So in closing, I think the confidentiality clause, should go both ways.
The couple has been very supportive of us both, and it sure feels good to have a close couple in the loop.
Marcia (LOVES) Blue
From my point of view.....The SO is obligated to keep the secret for it is not hers to share ...However, ther are a couple of exceptions: To a licensed professional that is obligated by law to keep anything in confidence: or to a support group such as this ....that confidentiality or annonymity is the standard or a given. the 3rd is when the person gains the approval from the owner of the seceret to disclose to a particular individual or individuals beforehand.
Otherwise it would be breaking the trust....This type of seceret is a real biggie and not fair to out anyone.
I know I struggled with feeling a sense of guilt when I first started confiding here...thankfully all you gals help me come to terms w my sharing. and that I told my SO I am a member here......Which by the way turned out fine.
To thine ownself be true.
Put out into the universe what you would like to receive in return, because it comes back like a boomerange in 3 fold!
My SO doesnt keep it as a secret. It's not out of cruelty, in her case, she probably accepts it better than I do. She simply doesn't see it as anything wrong or to be ashamed of. In her circles, it's her thing, but she wouldn't tell my dad or anything (my mom knows). It does cause issue when we're out shopping (me in drab) and she'll hold up something pretty and say this would look good on you, or, you should try on those heels.
—Mikaela
You are not breaking a trust when you are using an annoymous screen name for yourself and don't mention the other person's name.
Now, let's turn the OP's situation around. Let's say his wife had something she was trying to keep secret. Let's say she was a former prostitute but had changed her ways, had children and a respectable job. Let's say her husband (the OP) got mad at her and told her secret to someone in her family.
How does that sound when the shoe is on the other foot?
[SIGPIC]http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=82706&dateline=137762 0356[/SIGPIC]Linda
I outed myself to a bunch of close friends and family members. It's not so easy to go through life when I come out of nowhere to having hair that is now brushing my shoulders, and colored, and the beard is gone, I'm 25 lb's lighter these days, and people are just going to plainly suspect that I have an affinity to having a girly image as of late, and thus their imagination wanders. Oh well, such is life. My girl photos on my guy FB page pretty much set the pace for me, lots of hilarious comments, no friends lost or abandoned.
A buddy of mine invited me to a backyard barbecue last weekend , which he brought his band to play. I was in my guy self. I did a couple of numbers with them , and at the end of the last song (Good Girls Don't by the Knack) he made a dig at my crossdressing, which was all good and fun. Lol! The things beer does! We are , and always be, great friends.
Sometimes it's a very tricky thing to come out. You truly never know who will keep you as a friend, or who you will lose.
Most of the crossdressers I know exercise quite a bit of discretion. Coworkers, neighbors, church members, and others in their day-to-day lives typically do not know that they are crossdressers. In the ideal world, of course, we would not want to hide important parts of ourselves from others; however, in the real world, sometimes we must. We often must hide some things from others who have some power over us, such as a boss who would not approve and might deny us pay raises, promotions, or even our continued employment.
As for SO’s keeping each other’s secrets, the consequences of not doing so could affect the lives of two persons, not just the one with the secret. If I lose my job, then our household has less money to spend on food, paying the bills, and entertainment. If juicy parts of her sexual past become known to our neighbors, then she might be looked upon less favorably by those neighbors; but I could be regarded differently, too, based on my continuing association with her. The important points are that (1) outsiders often are judgmental, and (2) their negative judgments potentially could affect both SO’s for the worse.
Should we keep someone else’s secret? Well, assuming that we do not want there to be adverse consequences, we should keep someone else’s secret. Tolerance for transgender persons has been increasing, but as of 2012 it still is both fair and necessary to ask our SO to keep our CD/TG/TS status secret, at least from those who would not understand it and might use that knowledge against us.
Just one girl’s fallible opinion!
In the beginning my wife did tell quite a few people but now she realized that she shouldnt have... I dont really care anymore! But I think because the secret is to big to burden on her own she has to share it with her constituents.
They have as much to lose as you do. My wife has told several people about me and they respect me for exploring my feminine side.
If the CD is in the home and private between the couple it ought to stay there.
If it is a couples road show it will probably be public knowledge anyway unless it is performed only well away from home base. We are nudists and used to worry about being found out but social nudity is such are private activity by a select group out of the public eye that we don't feel obligated to go out of state anymore. There are so many unforgiving conservative hyper-religious people out there that we appreciate the privacy.
I've told three partners about my dressing. One went horrible complete with blackmail attempts and everything. One went ok she gave me a makeover but ended up making vague threats after we broke up. The third has gone great, she's trans though so that's probably why she's so accepting.
I take things a bit further than that; I assume that anything told me is in confidence and can only be told to another with the express permission of the confidant. My late partner was the same way and I would expect the same from any in my future.
ALWAYS plan for the worst, then you can be pleasantly surprised if something else happens!
"The important thing about the bear is not how well she dances, but that she dances at all." - Old Russian Proverb (with a gender change)
My wife and I know plenty of things about one another that we don't share with other people. It's a matter of who you trust. I trust no one more than her. On the specific topic it's a mutal agreement to keep my crossdressing from others. There are times when I would love the world at large to know about this side of my personality. My good lady has always wanted it kept between us and I will always respect her view, as I did not tell her before we were married.
I was married for 18 years right after my ex filed for divorice she told most of my friends and all my co-workers about me my family has know about since I was a kid and my ex knew about me since our teens. she said she done it out of spite it caused me a few friends who really werent friends and some co-workers had a few laughs but in the end it made me a much better person now I have nothing to hide
The way I always approached this is that if I was going to tell someone, then I was going to be okay with them telling someone also. I just asked that I knew who so that I did get any surprises. What I found in all but one case, the first person told someone and then that second person was happy not needing to tell anyone else because they could talk with the first and didn't feel like they were holding in a secret. I have had zero issues with this approach so far.Originally Posted by Lainie
Not really an issue in our case, as my wife is so "old school" and has had such a hard time accepting my crossdressing that she would be absolutely mortified if someone outside of our immediate family ever found out that I was a crossdresser.
I guess in her world view, it would be just as shameful to admit to being married to a crossdresser as it is to actually be one - if not more so. We would then be the laughing stock of the entire world, and everyone would be making rude comments and constantly snickering behind our backs. That's because they have no lives of their own, of course, and we are the center of their respective universes. And OMG! - what would the neighbours say? After all, we see them practically every day, and how could we ever face them again if I were ever outed? So my guess is - even if someone adopted Viet Cong tactics, shoved bamboo splints under her fingernails and then lit them, she still wouldn't crack and divulge our little "secret".
The only people who know about my crossdressing at this point are my two adult children, and they found out separately from me when I was essentially backed into a corner as a result of a huge fight that my wife had precipitated on both occasions. The subject at the time - as usual - was my crossdressing, despite my strict adherence to her DADT rules. Not the ideal way to spring this on my children, but being open-minded, they took it very well and are very supportive. We haven't talked about it since, and it has essentially become a non-issue between us.
True, my wife has softened her stance regarding my crossdressing since those incidents, but it still remains a huge barrier between us. For her, it is still the type of secret that she will take to the grave if she has any choice about it.
That said, I have gotten to know a number of women since starting to go out en femme over the last 5 years or so, and it has been quite a revelation for me. These ladies have only ever met "Leslie", mind you, but they also know that there is more to her than meets the eye. They are not only intrigued by "Leslie", they are also super supportive, and I feel totally at ease in their presence. What a contrast!
A resounding "yes" from me. It Is our secret, not hers. Now while she has been brought in to the circle of trust that does not obviate the respect for privacy.
For all of my CDing life I have been worried about being caught.,worried about what others would think worried about letting my family down and worried about anyone seeing me.Now that I have told my wife, have I not passed on these worries to her as well? I know that I felt better for telling my wife,so I would think that it would be human nature for her to talk to someone close if she chose to.I would however hope that she would talk to me about it first.
Just don't get in an ugly divorce situation or everyone in the world will know including her lawyer. So keep the wife very very happy.
If I trusted someone enough to tell this secret to and she didn't keep it a secret I would have a lot of trouble ever trusting her again with anything. It would likely eventually end the relationship. Without trust what is going to grow? It is not just a lack of trust it is a lack of respect. If she respects her friends more than her spouse, with whom she took an oath, and shows this kind of lack of concern about her husbands feelings and privacy, then there really is no real marriage.
I know that my 'alternative lifestyle' was a burden for my wife in isolation, so I said she could tell her sister. No problems there, and I fully expect that she will tell her husband, a mate or several etc. etc.
It's more my own brothers and sister I wouldn't tell and the locals. Other than that, I couldn't give a rat's bottom!
Rebecca
And my former SO outed me intentionally to so many people it's not funny - anyone who would listen to her. Then she tried to use the knowledge against me in the divorce proceedings so she could blackmail alimony out of me. Luckily my lawyer told me to call her bluff, since it's not a crime in Texas to be a cross dresser. All I can say is you never know. When my former SO first found out, she was ok with it. But as the years went by and more and more things drove us to divorce, she decided to use every advantage she could think of to hurt me and try to get as much money out of me as possible.
Just be careful.
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