The flipside: what if your wife doesn't want anybody to know you're TG?

[Marleena]

I posed a question what to expect if you want your SO to keep your TG status secret and if it was fair. Now, what if your SO doesn't want anybody to know?

I can understand their thinking as being with one of us reflects on them too. There is a stigma attached and right or wrong it is there. If you're in the closet I'm not sure if it's a big deal. If you're out and about it gets more complicated.

In my case my wife and I discussed it and she doesn't want anybody to know even though she is okay with it. So far I'm not out to anybody but her so it wasn't difficult for me.

So have you had this discussion with you SO?
If you're out and about how do you keep it a secret?
Do you respect their wishes?

In my case I go out of town dressed where nobody will know me.

[linda allen]

I'm with you. My wife said she wasn't going to tell anyone and I certainly won't except for my crossdressing.com friends.

We sometimes kid about it like we're getting ready to go out and I'm dressed in male mode and starting out the door but I've "forgotten" to take my boobs off.

We were discussing the reaction of a friend the other night to my newly pierced ears and I said "I should have worn my boobs, then he wouldn't have lept talking about the earrings."

[Karren H]

One of my wifes greatest fears is that her family will find out.....

[Marleena]

One of my wifes greatest fears is that her family will find out.....

I can relate to that. It's also one of my greatest fears, I have no idea how they'd handle it. It does put pressure on her for sure.

[jennylogan]

My wife doesn't like to keep secrets. The fact that she knows about me being tg puts an enormous burden on her. She is perfectly fine with it but is adamant about not going out in public or telling any family about my secret life. They most definitely would not accept it. It is not a perfect solution, but it is not a perfect world either.

[kimdl93]

I think one should respect and be considerate of your wife's views. That doesn't mean she dictates the policy...it means that both parties reach a level of consensus before telling someone.

[linda allen]

I think one should respect and be considerate of your wife's views. .

That's the foundation of a good marriage. Of course it goes both ways. My wife does things that I wouldn't choose to do but it makes her happy so I don't try to change her. She probably would rather not come home and see me in a skirt and boobs but she doesn't try to change me.

She said she wouldn't embarass me by telling anyone that I wear women's clothes. I didn't ask, she brought it up.

[Karren H]

I can relate to that. It's also one of my greatest fears, I have no idea how they'd handle it. It does put pressure on her for sure.

When you tell someone your secret you drag them into your closet......

[Raychel]

I just go with the flow on who my wife wants to know. She is actually pretty cool with it. When I first told her she was bery distrought. She called her mother and talked to her about it. Her mothers reply was "that is all" like so what is the big deal. I think that helped my wife deal with it alot.

[Mindy More]

When you tell someone your secret you drag them into your closet......

After I told my wife earlier this year I felt kinda bad for adding this huge secret onto her plate of things to deal with. She has been very accepting of my needs in this situation. I think she's getting used to me popping out dressed up after the kids goto sleep. But I dont' think she'd want anyone to know as well as myself. I know our friends and her family are fairly judgmental. If any one of them finds out, everyone would most likely find out. As we had seen when a good friend couple had a situation with infidelity. We couldn't be anywhere where a conversation about that couple wouldn't pop up amongst friends. I thought that was stupid to talk about others like that when they're not around to jump into the discussion. So we can only imagine if anyone finds out about Mindy in our circle of friends.
My own circle of friends (my sports pals) I really don't know what they'd think. I'm sure I'd get some razzing but in the sport I play they're are so many sexual jokes and comments that I might be able to make them all think it's not real. I don't know, I really don't want to find out but wonder if any of my friends are TG (I suspect a few might be)

I'm actually quite glad I saw this question being asked. My wife and I don't usually discuss certain details about my proclivity. She just walked in the room and we talked a little bit about this. I let her know that if she wants to tell people to ask me before hand and I will do the same. She said she most likely won't be telling any of our close type friends. Outside of the circle maybe so I sorta gave her the green light but to use discretion as I would also. I even told her that I kinda want to tell a good lady friend of mine. She said "Why?" although I'm still unsure of telling my lady friend, I think she'd be cool with it is what I told my wife. But I let her know (my wife) that I'd let her know if I do tell my friend. Meeting other gurls and them knowing isn't the same thing as they're not in our circle of immediate friends and my wife knows I've been actively looking for gurlfriends to talk and hang out with. I love her so much for being so great about it all. She's totally cool with me going out if I do find myself outside with friends dressed. I think she thinks I go out to clubs and stuff when i go out to meet a new friends. All that she said is all on me if anyone we know happens to recognize me.

[STACY B]

One of my wifes greatest fears is that her family will find out.....

This is my only Wish ? Do you think it would keep them away ? If so I am GOING TO TELL,,,TELL,,,TELL, An then all is right in the world ,,, I use this stuff to my Advantage not there's ...... LOL You just cant shock me into submission ,, You gotta have something to fear for it to work . Long ago in another life I was Terrified to know end thats a FACT ,,, But after along an drawn out bit of soul searching an finaly coming to grips with all this maddness its all good now ,,,I just laugh it off ,, I carried it for the first part of my life an gave it away ,,, So they can do what they wish with ,,If they choose to hide it or tell the world its not my burden to bare anymore . So here ya go world ,,,Do what you will will with ,, You can spread it out or throw it away not my call anymore ,,,I Retire !! Gave up ,,, Gave out ,, Gave in ..

[RADER]

One of my wifes greatest fears is that her family will find out.....

Yes, I am in the same boat. My wife doesn't care what I wear around the house,
but STAY in the house. That is why I almost doubled the size a few years back.
Rader

[Jamie24]

I think that this is understandable position. She may be worried about how it would affect you, in addition to how it reflects on her. There is a great deal of unknown on how family and other friends may react. So I would agree with this request and go to where I felt I would not be recognized/

[Karen_K]

I certainly agree with the idea that who to be out to should be a mutual decision, since it affects all family members. In our case, my wife and I have a young son, and we have to think about how he might be stigmatized when he goes to school for having a CD dad (if I was out).

How do we keep it a secret? So far, any out-of-the-house activities have been support group meetings, socials, and TG conferences. Events specifically for the TG community. If I do any shopping or travel in the "real world", it'll have to be far from home. And coming and going from the house can be tricky.

[BRANDYJ]

The only people in our life, my SO and me, that she or I care about keeping it a secret from in her grandchildren. We think her youngest daughter might already know since she may have seen something left out by my SO a few years ago. But it is never discussed. They are both very private people. Beyond that neither me or my SO have talked about who not to tell or to tell. We are also into the Dominant/submissive lifestyle and she is as concerned about that remaining a secret as much or more then my being a CD. If she chooses to tell anyone about my being a CD, I trust her completely on who and why she feels the need to tell. We are private and careful with what we do. So it's a none issue with us as we understand the need for privacy and secrecy from certain people.

[Beverley Sims]

When out of town I can dress but only the wife knows so I tread carefully these days.
20 years ago, a different circle of friends and a different state. It was all out then.

[linda allen]

....... In my case I go out of town dressed where nobody will know me.

I did that a few times when my wife was out of town and before I introduced her to my dressing. She is out of town again now but I don't feel so much like going out now. It's kind of like I would be betraying her trust (That sounds strange, but that's how I feel.)

I didn't really go "out of town" but I live outside a city so I went to the tourist part of the city where it's not likely that I would meet anyone who knew me. The biggest difficulty was getting in and out of my house and neighborhood. I managed by underdressing, then changing in the car in a parking lot and changing back to "boy" mode again in a parking lot. It was a lot of trouble and of course, it's difficult to do a good job in a car.

I need a better wig before I can consider myself "passable". Also some "girl" glasses if I can't be wearing sunglasses.

At some point I would like to be able to go out (in another town) dressed with my wife by my side as two woman friends on the town. One can only hope.

[Brianna612]

Fear is our greatest enemy here. My X found me out and she couldn’t deal with it at all. She told and showed pictures to everyone, relatives and friends. Needless to say that was the end of our relationship. Surprisingly enough the reaction of most our friends and family was what a bitch she was. I expected more like OMG how could she live with him.

After that I vowed to never get in that situation again. I told my SO on our second date and life has been great ever since. Now I hardly have a stitch of men’s clothing. Just suits for various events otherwise all my clothes are of the female type. I seldom wear makeup anymore because I don’t have the time or the need to do so. I think we all need to just be who we are and let everyone else worry about what to think. That’s much simpler than trying to be whom you think everyone else wants you to be.

[MissTee]

My wife and I both agree that it stays with us. I don't go out dressed and don't want to. As for "going out" we usually rent a secluded vacation home and while there I may meander around outside. Other than that, she provides me all the "being out" fulfillment I need just by supporting and sharing Misty's existence in our relationship.

[Claire Cook]

As with so many of our discussions, there are no right or wrong answers here. Some of us are more open about our dressing, most of us are less so. Our wives may be concerned about others knowing about us, or our being embarassed (or worse) when dressed in public, and that's perfectly understandable. My wife used to be that way. Now that we are more open about it, and I'm out to a number of people, it isn't an issue. Once we were having dinner with a friend and she noted that I cd (I think our friend had as a question about my pierced ears). The response: "No big deal".

[linda allen]

As with so many of our discussions, there are no right or wrong answers here. .

I think there is a "right" answer here and that is that we should all respect our spouse's wishes and feelings. If that means not walking around the neighborhood in boobs and a wig, we should respect that. If it means not telling outsiders or family members, we should respect that. It goes both ways.

[BRANDYJ]

I think there is a "right" answer here and that is that we should all respect our spouse's wishes and feelings. If that means not walking around the neighborhood in boobs and a wig, we should respect that. If it means not telling outsiders or family members, we should respect that. It goes both ways.

Well said Linda. If we don't respect our SO's wishes and comfort level, how can we expect them to respect our need or desire to dress at all. Ignore their wishes will only end up with both parties hurt and perhaps...alone.
As a couple our decisions clearly are not our own. Our SO's are part of who and what we are and the way people perceive us.

[MichelleMiles]

So have you had this discussion with you SO?
If you're out and about how do you keep it a secret?
Do you respect their wishes?

In my situation, my wife doesn't want others to know, and I also share this view. This is something I do for my own enjoyment and I don't see why others would need to know. I have told one other friend and she was very accepting, but I don't expect that same response from everyone.

Crossdressing may not be as big a part of my life as it is for others here, so it may be easier for me to keep it hidden. I usually don't go to places where I know I might run into someone, I mostly shop just a town over, and my wife has yet to go out with me at night so chances of me getting recognized are slim.

[Danielle Gee]

My wife also doesn't want any one else to know. It's not a problem for me beacuse 1- We live really quite a way out on the sticks,so we have lots of privacy for excursions out into the yard,2- My wife loves my lifestyle,and allows unimited indoors dressing, so 3-I can dress up amost any time I please. All in all I'm very happy that I told her years ago!

[Kyndrie]

In my case my wife knows that I like to cross dress but doesn't know that I'm actively dressing in private. Her stance is that she'd rather me not do it at all, but if I do, then I need to keep it to myself. I'm OK with that for now. I fear she'll still be mad if/when she finds out that I'm still dressing, however, it's for me to decide when to stop. If such a small thing like wearing a pair of panties, or some heels, in private is enough for her to ask for divorce then I guess our compatibility wasn't good to begin with (I told her before we were married). This is as much as I'm willing to compromise.