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Thread: The flipside: what if your wife doesn't want anybody to know you're TG?

  1. #26
    New Member Kyndrie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Salt Lake City, UT
    In my case my wife knows that I like to cross dress but doesn't know that I'm actively dressing in private. Her stance is that she'd rather me not do it at all, but if I do, then I need to keep it to myself. I'm OK with that for now. I fear she'll still be mad if/when she finds out that I'm still dressing, however, it's for me to decide when to stop. If such a small thing like wearing a pair of panties, or some heels, in private is enough for her to ask for divorce then I guess our compatibility wasn't good to begin with (I told her before we were married). This is as much as I'm willing to compromise.

    To be or not to be...

  2. #27
    Member Ashley D.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Cumming GA,
    My wife tells any one she wants and that is about everyone outside of my family I get to do that.
    Always remimber life is what you make it.
    So make it Beautiful.

    Love Ashley Dawn!/ashley...00004093583692

  3. #28
    Member charlytuna's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    western pa
    My wife support me dressing and that as far she wants it to go. I want to venture out but I afraid to tell anyone of my tg. I feel that I dont pass enough to go out in public, even though I dying to go out. but I not ready to be outed be the neighborhood or the family. I feel that I could pass enough I may try to go out but I know that I will never pass for a women. So I feel more secure being inside behinedclose doors

  4. #29
    Silver Member giuseppina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Hello Marlena,

    I haven't read any of the responses, but here goes:

    The questions don't apply to me because I am not out and prefer to keep it that way. I don't have a GF to share this with. Having said that, I am willing to drive for an hour or so on Highway 401 (think Interstate for our Stateside friends) where I am unlikely to run into someone I or a GF knows at a clothing store, for example.

  5. #30
    Senior Member Debglam's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Northern California
    Great point!

    My attitude after coming out is that I don't care who knows. There are a few people I would like to tell and some that if they find out - so be it. Part of the deal though is that my SO wants to keep this as private as possible for the time being. That is fine with me. I told her that anytime she feels she needs to discuss this with anyone it is her call. I only ask that let me know who she tells. I also agreed to discuss telling anyone with her first. This seems to be working out OK. We both felt it was time that my older daughter know so after discussing it, we told her about a month ago.

  6. #31
    playing dress up JC's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    my wife is also deathly afraid that anyone else in the world will find out. i can't say that i feel any different.

    the guy that plays dress up and that has the best wife in the world!

  7. #32
    Style Icon Sara Jessica's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    The OC, California
    Quote Originally Posted by Debglam View Post
    Great point!

    My attitude after coming out is that I don't care who knows. There are a few people I would like to tell and some that if they find out - so be it. Part of the deal though is that my SO wants to keep this as private as possible for the time being. That is fine with me. I told her that anytime she feels she needs to discuss this with anyone it is her call. I only ask that let me know who she tells. I also agreed to discuss telling anyone with her first. This seems to be working out OK. We both felt it was time that my older daughter know so after discussing it, we told her about a month ago.
    We have processed this TG thing internally for years, sometimes decades. So when we get to a place like you describe (which incidentally is pretty much exactly where I am on many levels), it all kind of makes sense. Comfort = the world not exploding when someone might find out. At the same time though, our SO's are often dealing with it on an entirely different level and a similar comfort level may never arrive.

    This is why both partners need to communicate about disclosure.
    Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
    Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)

  8. #33
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Coon Rapids, MN
    Fear is our greatest enemy here. My X found me out and she couldn’t deal with it at all. She told and showed pictures to everyone, relatives and friends. Needless to say that was the end of our relationship. Surprisingly enough the reaction of most our friends and family was what a bitch she was. I expected more like OMG how could she live with him.

    After that I vowed to never get in that situation again. I told my SO on our second date and life has been great ever since. Now I hardly have a stitch of men’s clothing. Just suits for various events otherwise all my clothes are of the female type. I seldom wear makeup anymore because I don’t have the time or the need to do so. I think we all need to just be who we are and let everyone else worry about what to think. That’s much simpler than trying to be whom you think everyone else wants you to be.

  9. #34
    my clever saying here.... Mindy More's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    San Diego, CA
    Quote Originally Posted by Karren Hutton View Post
    When you tell someone your secret you drag them into your closet......
    After I told my wife earlier this year I felt kinda bad for adding this huge secret onto her plate of things to deal with. She has been very accepting of my needs in this situation. I think she's getting used to me popping out dressed up after the kids goto sleep. But I dont' think she'd want anyone to know as well as myself. I know our friends and her family are fairly judgmental. If any one of them finds out, everyone would most likely find out. As we had seen when a good friend couple had a situation with infidelity. We couldn't be anywhere where a conversation about that couple wouldn't pop up amongst friends. I thought that was stupid to talk about others like that when they're not around to jump into the discussion. So we can only imagine if anyone finds out about Mindy in our circle of friends.
    My own circle of friends (my sports pals) I really don't know what they'd think. I'm sure I'd get some razzing but in the sport I play they're are so many sexual jokes and comments that I might be able to make them all think it's not real. I don't know, I really don't want to find out but wonder if any of my friends are TG (I suspect a few might be)

    I'm actually quite glad I saw this question being asked. My wife and I don't usually discuss certain details about my proclivity. She just walked in the room and we talked a little bit about this. I let her know that if she wants to tell people to ask me before hand and I will do the same. She said she most likely won't be telling any of our close type friends. Outside of the circle maybe so I sorta gave her the green light but to use discretion as I would also. I even told her that I kinda want to tell a good lady friend of mine. She said "Why?" although I'm still unsure of telling my lady friend, I think she'd be cool with it is what I told my wife. But I let her know (my wife) that I'd let her know if I do tell my friend. Meeting other gurls and them knowing isn't the same thing as they're not in our circle of immediate friends and my wife knows I've been actively looking for gurlfriends to talk and hang out with. I love her so much for being so great about it all. She's totally cool with me going out if I do find myself outside with friends dressed. I think she thinks I go out to clubs and stuff when i go out to meet a new friends. All that she said is all on me if anyone we know happens to recognize me.

    Member of the "Pulled Over When Dressed Club"

    If I can get out there, you can too

  10. #35
    Girl from the Eagles Nest reb.femme's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    S London UK
    Quote Originally Posted by Marleena View Post
    .........Now, what if your SO doesn't want anybody to know?........In my case I go out of town dressed where nobody will know me.
    Hi Marleena,

    Actually, this goes both ways for me. I don't go out locally en femme as we like our windows with the glass in tact and my wife has asked that no one at her work knows.
    However, she also needed someone to talk to so we agreed that she could tell her sister. They are very close, so only one person in our family knows.
    Personally, I couldn't give a damn who knows now, save for the windows bit above, but I go with the wife on this one.

    Flying high under the spell of life!

  11. #36
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Lowestoft UK. Beverley was here.
    When out of town I can dress but only the wife knows so I tread carefully these days.
    20 years ago, a different circle of friends and a different state. It was all out then.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  12. #37
    Senior Member KellyJameson's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    I think emotional harm could come to a person who is prevented from crossdressing so if someone changes their behavior for the S.O it should be as a gift of love and not because it is demanded from the S.O

    If you change your behavior to protect the person you love it is because they love you enough to accept your behavior, both people are protecting each other.

    When I know I'm genuinely loved (protected,appreciated,valued,respected) than I am not afraid to give the same in return otherwise I have to protect,value and appreciate myself first and foremost.

    Love is a gift not an expectation.

  13. #38
    Member Sophia Claire's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    In my estimation, being married is all about compromise and this sort of thing is no exception. While it may hurt to think that your SO doesn't want to tell her parents or friends or whomever, you have to understand her feelings as well. In a situation where so many women feel hurt and betrayed and lied to, mislead, and confused, she took it in stride because she loves you. I'd say that's worth some consideration. Within reason. She needs to respect that this is who you are, but she can't ask you to just give it up (I know that neither of those things are on the table, but I'm using them as a hyperbole).

    But then, I may be off-base considering my own marriage crashed and burned.
    "Who are they? Are they the half that we've lost - the H2 to our O, that have joined as water to make streams, seas, waterfalls, waves, storms?"
    - From "We" by Yevgeny Zamyatin

  14. #39
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Quote Originally Posted by Karren Hutton View Post
    One of my wifes greatest fears is that her family will find out.....
    Yes, I am in the same boat. My wife doesn't care what I wear around the house,
    but STAY in the house. That is why I almost doubled the size a few years back.

  15. #40
    Aspiring Member Janelle_C's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Northern California
    My wife has been okay with my dressing for a long time now. At the beginning of this year I started therapy and for the first time in my life I started to feel good about my dressing and not be ashamed about it. I started to talk about coming out and that scared the hell out of her. I know she is a little worried about how people will look at her. I'm not going out yet but I really want to where and when how knows. For right now I've slow the coming out talk way down. Hugs, Janelle
    "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" Anais Nin.

    Live, Laugh, and Love Yourself!

  16. #41
    Making a life for Tina! suchacutie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    The trade-off for me was that for 55 years I didn't know Tina existed (missed all that time!). The other side of the coin is that my wife and I found Tina together, so it was a shared adventure from the start where both of us knew next to nothing about being transgendered. Since we had no preformed expectations, we made it up as we went, talking about our feelings and watching them evolve right before our eyes, with the understanding that nothing was "in concrete" and we needed to revisit anything and everything that might change.

    One of the constants, so far, has been that Tina's existence is private between the two of us. That's been hard to maintain at times, especially when we have visitors or offspring staying in the house. However, we have been successful in maintaining Tina's privacy.

    I must say that the privacy was most important early in Tina's existence, mainly because we had no idea who Tina was, or even if she would be around next week! How do you answer questions that you don't know the answers to yourself? Now it's more the notion of risk/reward ratio. Tina is clearly here to stay and is important to us. If it is a positive to allow others to know about her, we'll act accordingly.

    How the privacy issue will play out in the future is anyone's guess. Stay tuned!

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