I need some advice!

[antonia_bee]

Hi everyone,

I am a married crossdresser whose wife does not yet know about it. I want to tell her and have tried to in the past, but something in our lives has always prevented me from doing so (redundancy, new jobs, marriage and now a baby).

My dilemma is that she will be away next weekend for work leaving me at home on my own. This gives me a unique opportunity to actually get to go to Big Night Out at Pink Punters. But this is really bothering me! To go to BNO means booking a hotel room, going out enfemme for the first time and decieving my wife. I can't tell her what I am doing and feel so guilty for misleading her, but I am really excited about actually getting out properly and meeting some other girls.

Can anyone offer any advice? I am planning on telling my wife when the baby is born so as to avoid any undue stress.

Antonia x

[Diversity]

Most definitely, if you value your marriage and your new baby, you must come clean and tell your wife. You owe this to her. She may or may not accept your admission, but to live a lie is even a worse consequence in my humble opinion. Hopefully your wife will be understanding.
Good luck.
Di

[Erica2Sweet]

As long as both parties are living and breathing, the only thing stopping Person A in a relationship from telling Person B the truth... is Person A.

[Ashley D.]

You will be able to come up with some reason not to tell your SO.
But then longer you put it off the more likely it is that she will be hurt.
The way she will fill about you dressing will be the some. The fact that your hidding something that big.
is what you should think about.

[Tina B.]

You go out like that behind your wife's back, you should feel guilty! Would she go out behind yours?
Tina B.

[bridget thronton]

I guess I am not sure why deceiving your wife is part of the plan. Telling her a lie is likely to bring problems when discovered.

[Angela Campbell]

From all of my experiences with two marriages where I kept it a secret I can tell you this. If you are a crossdresser it will not go away. It will always be there. Living a lie is difficult and not fair to either one of you. Any relationship I ever enter into again will be with the full knowlege of what and who I am. Whoever ends up with me gets us both. The more lies and deceptions and secrets there are, the less closeness there will be in a relationship because it is based on a premise that is either untrue or based on partial information.

[TxCassie]

Antonia,

I am not married but a single gay man. However, I see it a clear as a pink fog on a sunny day. I would not advise any such activity until you have "the talk". Your wife has a right to know who she married. Marriage, I always felt was the merging of two souls, emotionally, mentally, socially, physically (figuratively). How can your life proceed in one direction, however right, true, it may be for you without your soul mate not know, be a part of. Be careful honey and good choices for you.

Cassie

[Marcia Blue]

Antonia, I believe trust is really the foundation of a relationship.

Your wife needs to know before you are caught. Being caught is the worst way for a spouse to find out about your condition. Telling your dear wife you are a CD is something only you can decide. Many of the CDs here can attest to bad out comes from releasing the truth. I however will mention, to be fully prepared when the time comes. I also advise not to try the hinting game, seldom does the spouse guess what you are hinting at. When you do tell her remember communication is key.

I will suggest you stay home and dress this time also. God forbid something were to happen and you were caught Out and About.

[Jenniferathome]

Having a baby is a new stress. Don't wait. Tell her while your lives are somewhat stress free. Do not underestimate her confusion when you tell her. You can read what I told my wife in my signature.

[heatherdress]

It will be even harder and more stressful for both of you after the baby is born. Tell her now, lovingly, with positive assurances. You may be surprised with her acceptance.

[Tara D. Rose]

Oh my, this is a problem. I have been where you are. I know how it haunts you everyday. I do know that the longer you are married and then when the time comes to tell her, the length of your marriage will be a factor in her anger. Do not go to the Big Night Out, for when you ever do tell her you are a CD, she will ask you many hundreds of questions, as she should. One will be , have you ever gone out dressed before? Will you tell her yes, you went to BNO while she was out of town. That will not go over easy at all. It's hard to live a lie, I know. There are many facets with cross dressers. Some can keep it secret from their wives and live happily with that, on the far side of this, there are those that need to tell their wives. Some keep it hidden for years for fear of losing their wives. Some yearn and burn inside for years wanting to disclose their secret to their wives, for the reasons of feeling guilty and wanting to be an honest husband.

Upon the time you do tell her, she will want to know, why did it take you so long to tell her? You will say, I thought my desires would go away once we were married, and also that you feared losing her, just as you do now. There is no cut and dried or cookie cutter outcome when and if you tell her. For I don't know your wife, only you do. You do have a much better idea of how she will take it once you tell her. There is always the chance she will accept you, or she could leave you for it. Only you know, or have the best idea of how she will respond. They say honesty is the best policy, and I agree. So is it now that honesty should be used here? Yes, but then she'll say you were dishonest by not telling her long before marriage. There have been many that did tell before marriage and lost their fiance's, and some didn't. But as it is now for you, only you know whether you should tell her.

[jackie k]

Antonia,
I'm not trying to be a bitch. Are you seeing these replies? Truth and honesty good. Lies and deception bad. Even if she never finds out you going out to play while she is gone, you know. Can you live with that kind of guilt? Is it worth it? Be the person you will want your child to grow up to be and lead by example.

[reb.femme]

My dilemma is that she will be away next weekend for work leaving me at home on my own. This gives me a unique opportunity to actually get to go to Big Night Out at Pink Punters. But this is really bothering me! To go to BNO means booking a hotel room, going out enfemme for the first time and decieving my wife. I can't tell her what I am doing and feel so guilty for misleading her, but I am really excited about actually getting out properly and meeting some other girls.

Hi Antonia,

Fellow Londoner here, from the murky depths of the south east, I understand your dilemma from an “I’ve been there too” situation.

My only perspective on this one, is this and this alone. You and only you are the one to make a judgement call on whether to tell your wife and all the likely fall-out that may ensue. When the baby arrives is really, really not the best time for your revelation.

When I told my wife, she was more upset because in her own words, “I didn’t trust her enough to tell her before”. If you tell her and it goes pear-shaped, bang goes life. However, go to the Pink Pussy Cat or any other club without this being known first and you get found out, the brown stuff will hit the fan with more than equal vengeance. Third option, things go well and life will treble in expectation.

Personally and very seriously, forget the club and this week look at jenniferathome’s letter on how to tell your spouse. I used it as a template for my final confession. Couldn't get the damn link to work so just look at the bottom of her posts for the link.

Good luck!

Rebecca

[*Vanessa*]

Guilt is a man made emotion, isn't it wonderful..

As it is yours well girl, you are on your own with that dilemma. Read your post again, sweetie, it sounds like you are throwing everything and anything in front of yourself just slow it down. We don't get life to do over, it's once and then it's done.

Everything you have thrown up is only things related to your own perspective of reality, who's to say you have it right
Go have a little fun, relieve some of that stress. When you family is all back under one roof then rethink the tell. - cheers

[Laura912]

"I am planning on telling my wife when the baby is born so as to avoid any undue stress."

Having been in the field, I can assure you that telling on top of having a new baby in the house could be the straw that breaks the camels back. Do it now. Stay home.

[antonia_bee]

I want to say such a heartfelt thanks to everyone who has responded!!! Such brilliant advice, and I think I have reached a conclusion on what I should do. It is obviously selfish of me to want to go out next week, and deceive my wife. It is clearly a bad idea. I love her dearly and never wanted to keep this hidden, but I have struggled to work out the best way to tell her. I think maybe telling her sooner rather than later is probably a good idea.

Jennifer, thank you for the link. I will have a look at it and see if it helps me.

The very nature of this makes it hard to make rational decisions, so thanks again ladies for being my sounding board!

Lots of love

Antonia x

[Emily Ann Brown]

I would give you my advice...but I took my own and ended divorced.

You can figure it out from there!


Em

[Sarah Doepner]

Antonia, I went through that same situation and used the same logic to hide my crossdressing from my wife for years. I would dress on the sly and when I travelled. All the time telling myself that when her life was a little less stressful I'd share this with her. The years rolled by and I got very good at two things, hiding my crossdressing and finding new things that created stress in my wife's life. I am fortunate. She eventually found me out and after doing her research decided that I was worth holding on to, but the cloud of "What Else Is He Hiding" was there for several more years. A problem we have is often our crossdressing is "on hold" when we get married but slowly blooms, coming into it's own before we come to terms with it. Then it won't go away just because we are unable to find a way to tell our spouses. My advice is to find a way to tell your wife because you love and trust her and want her to love and trust you. I realize now that holding it back and claiming it is because of love and wanting to protect her is a lie, it's holding back because of fear. I've become a much nicer person now that I don't have that load of guilt and fear that seemed to be hovering over every decision I made.
That's my experience and I can't tell you how your life is going to go. There are excellent threads here on how to tell your wife and there are a lot of good resources for her to consult that will give her a good and accurate idea of what crossdressing is and what your life may be like in another 5 or 10 or 50 years. As so many others have said, the issue of trust is critical to your lives together. She may decide that there isn't enough trust and love to maintain the marriage but chances are that she may decide that those things she loves the most in you are reinforced by your explorations of your feminine side. Good luck.

[PretzelGirl]

One thing to remember about any kind of event in life, there is never a good time. Things in life always come up. You might be able to relate to this most in having a baby. I have heard more people say something like "we are holding off having a baby until our finances are better" or "this was not a good time to have a baby". But whenever you have that baby, the rest doesn't matter because love conquers all. So decide if you want to tell her (my recommendation) or not. And then unless there is something totally catastrophic going on, then just tell her.

[antonia_bee]

Having a baby is a new stress. Don't wait. Tell her while your lives are somewhat stress free. Do not underestimate her confusion when you tell her. You can read what I told my wife in my signature.

Thank you so much Jennifer! I told her last night!!! Thanks to your letter I had the courage to come clean. I'll post a new topic to tell everyone how it went
X